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Can things change?….

19 Feb

We’ve started to open up a little.  He says we’ve got a bond in blood and he wants to keep our family together.  He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he loves me with all of his heart.  That I’m sexy, smart and amazing.

He knows I’m not happy and I want him to do more.  He sees that I’m sad, disconnected and stressed.  We discussed again that I need his help and not that I want him to do what he is unable to do but I want him to do what he can.  

 He keeps getting stuck on that I want him to work and don’t care about his injury.  I remind him I just want him to contribute. Whether he can find a job that can suit his physical limitations, get disability, start an E-bay store or find a work at home prospect anything that shows he is trying will help.  I remind him that I’m ticked off more because even before he was injured he wouldn’t look for a night job as his unemployment ran out.

We started talking about how he makes me feel.  That when I leave the house at night that I need to be in frequent contact with him.  He tells me how do I know you’re not whoring arround.  Sticky question for me now, right?  I tell him that all these years I’ve been faithful that shouldn’t that earn me the freedom not to have to talk to him every hour. I don’t ask that from him.  This opened the door for him to bring up my youth.  Telling me that I whored arround with 60 men before I was 17 and that I fucked a guy I knew for a week after we broke up.  Both of which were wrong (I had just wrote a bit about it in this post).  It also made me think of another post I need to write but I’ll save that for another time.

We got past that and went into name calling.  Recently at a dinner where well he was being less than desirable dinner company he complained that he is always the last person eating.  He has said a couple of things about himself in the recent past that he has a small mouth and a large gut, not both in the same sentence but he has said it.  So, my smart ass said he’s the last one to finish his meal it might be because of his small mouth and large gut he was terribly offended. Looking back I understand and feel bad about it (I’m far from perfect).  So we were talking about how he was calling me a cunt and fucking bitch when he was yelling at me the other day and he compared it to when I said the small mouth large gut thing.  It took a good 15 minutes to help him understand the difference between using words that have no other purpose than to hurt some one than using something that is off color but could be taken in stride since it’s something you’ve said about yourself.  Again I apologised and said it was wrong of me to have said what I said.  I think he said he was sorry too, he said he just gets so angry and that is the only way he can express himself.

Then he went into how the young me would be very disappointed in the current me.  To which I had to disagree. I’ve always been ambitious and resourceful.  If you think about the young me, doing drugs, stealing cars and stuff, working in the mall, my plan for the future was to rob a few banks and move to Canada, then yes the old me would be like, “Why are you working for the man and there is way too little sex, drugs and rock and roll going on here.”.  I told him I’m proud of myself and I wish you would be too.  He tells me there is nothing he would change. He is so happy to have the boys.  I ask are you proud of yourself and he goes, “Yes, I’m not a crack head, I’ve never been locked up, I’m not homeless, I don’t beat you or the kids we have our own house and great boys.”  Good lord he has succeeded because he’s not a crack head.  I guess I should have seen this coming but when you’re aspirations are to rob banks and move to Canada (pronounced by us as Can-a-Duh-Duh-Duh) not being homeless or in jail is pretty awesome.

The people from pain management had him see a counselor.  Where he told them that his injury and pain was effecting our relationship.  The big box healthcare provided offered him meds which he declined since he takes maybe 10 or so different kinds of medication a day he didn’t want to risk a bad chemical reaction.  He told me how miserable he is.  How he has thought of killing himself though he would never do it.  That the words I said to him ring in his ears, how I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine a life without him and that he doesn’t do it for me any more. 

I was as encouraging as I could be.  We talked about going to counseling.  He wants to try to do better.  I remind him that I don’t expect it to all happen at once but I need to see that he’s trying.  That he cares about making things better together and he’s nice to me and the boys.  Now I need to find a counselor that I can afford and line up child care for when we go.

Feeling crazy….

13 Feb

If I were to sum up this weekend in one word I would go with: Fail.

My weekend started off odd.  I had plans to go to a beautiful co-worker’s birthday.  Then I wanted to go see a show in a very small bar/restaurant that consisted of two solo artists and a little band.  My fiancé had not given me the OK to go to my friends birthday party so I didn’t make plans to go thinking he might not let me go and silly me didn’t want to rock the boat.

Friday night I’m cooking and cleaning away.  I hear him talking to his friend sounds like he was making plans to go out.  I sat for a minute and played with my phone and he calls me out about it.  Telling me I need to be busy doing the housework or engaging the kids.  Once I get the kids down for the night I laid down on our bed and ask if he’s going to let me go out the next night he said he is and he’s planning on going out tonight (catch how he didn’t ask me, not that I care it’s just the double standard that makes my blood boil). 

He starts to ride me a bit about not doing enough cleaning and too much fucking with my phone.  I come right back at him.  He starts yelling that I talk over him.  I’m trying to tell him he starts talking before I finish what I have to say.  I try to step back, change my tone and keep this conversation from turning into a fight.  Even after calming down, slowing down trying to keep things on track he starts to berate me.  Yelling, shut the fuck up, stupid cunt and once he calls me the c word it’s over I can’t talk to him.  I’m telling him if it’s that bad fucking leave, he’s telling me it’s our house he doesn’t have to go that he won’t leave.  He storms off. I go online and take the money in our bank account and transfer it into savings.  He will still have access to it but if he runs the card it will get declined. Hopefully it will remind him that when I’m not at home taking care of the kids and cleaning  that I’m fucking working earning the money he loves to spend!

He comes back to apologise.  He brings a joint and I smoke with him reluctantly.  He’s nice now. He says he shouldn’t do that but it’s how I act that triggers it (apparently once it’s triggered there is no turning back) and I can’t look at him.  I don’t want to fight anymore we watch Okie Noodling it’s weird and distracting.  I fall asleep as he waits for his ride.  I woke up at about 3 in the morning worried about transferring that money.  Knowing it will just make him angry again.  What did I do about it.  Read a few blogs posted a few comments. Rubbed a couple or orgasms out and went back to sleep.

The next day he was a bit pissy at breakfast but nothing to extreme.  I did some housework before taking off with the boys for a hike and a picnic.  When I came back for nap time it was like nothing happened.  I cleaned and organized and played with the kids.  I was excited about going to my friends birthday but now I was feeling apprehensive about it.  After dinner I put the boys down and started to feel very awkward about going out by myself.  Then felt weird about asking anyone to go with me.  He wanted me to smoke with him and watch a show and I did.  I’ve been looking for chances to go out and build a social life and here is a chance for me and I got all freaked out and stayed home.  It felt very strange.

The next night my Dad came over to watch the kids.  There was that show I wanted to go see.  I have sort of a girl crush on the gal who was promoting the show.  Not that I want to sleep with her just that I really would love to be her friend rather than just an acquaintance.  The music well honestly isn’t my normal type.  I found beauty in it but I wasn’t completely a fan, my fiancé didn’t like it very much at all.  The opening act was definitely not my speed.  So as we talked about going I got more and more nervous.  What would I say to the gal I like and how would it be hanging out with my fiancé who I even now feel awkward around and trying to keep him happy.  Let alone that the venue is so small I imagine the artists looking out into the crowd and being able to see everyone’s faces.  If the music is so so and my date is not my favorite company I might offend the artist.  I know it’s crazy (see the title of this post) so we didn’t go to the show. 

We got some dinner and went to a late night tasting and sample night at a organic grocery store.  It all went OK.  We got home very early the kids weren’t even in bed yet.  My Dad looked a bit concerned but he was happy to go home early.  We tried to watch a movie together and I fell asleep.  He kept asking me for sex.  I gave in.  He started kissing me and I couldn’t do it, I turned my head.  He started rubbing my breasts and legs.  My posture changed from relaxed to me curling up.  Hands clamped against my chest clearly an unwilling recipient.  His breathing was so heavy bothering me, grossing me out.  I just rolled over and let it happen.  No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me.  It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.

Pardon my long, whiney, crazy post.  Some times it feels better to get it out.  This time I’m feeling a bit embarased about it.  However I have been trying to keep an honest account of the things that effect my life with my fiance and my lover and this is it.  Maybe I’m going a bit mad.

RESPECT….

29 Jan

I just finished listening to a chapter in the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad To Stay.  This chapter was called RESPECT.  Like all the chapters I teeter from one side to the other thinking how bad my fiance is and what good he does have.  I take care of the bills, I earn the income, I handle most of the housework, plan anything that is more complicated than a night out and the list goes on.  He doesn’t really give me the respect I deserve for these things.  He will sometimes say that he appreciates what I do when it’s happening but when we are discussing an issue what I do and what he does are equal in his eyes.  At least that is the impression I get. 

The author talked about respect for your partner at the end of the chapter.  I think that is where it really hit home.  She talked about people not living up to the expectations that you had for them.  She asked that we evaluate what we respect about our partners.  For me it was his compassion for others, he is generally a good friend.  I’ve refered to him as my social planner for years as he is the one to make our plans or get people coming over for a party.  He is a very loving and involved parent.  His cooking is amazing.  I started thinking about all this and while it sounds fine and good I’m adding up that he has the fun list.  Anything real world or complicated falls on my shoulders. 

After thinking about all this I thought of how replaceable he is.  The bottom line is I keep him because I haven’t created my own social life and I’m very attached to him and the memories and history we have together.  Without those things would I truly want this person in my life.  It all seems to be pointing to no.  Before you read this and say she’s finally got it let me explain….

I’ve been doing all this separate from him. I’ve said to him that I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine life without him.  I’ve brought up that I feel under valued, that I think he needs to contribute to the finances and housework and I’ve even told him that he doesn’t turn me on.  Even with all this said we haven’t talked about changing things.  I’d like to at least give that a shot.  He is always telling me what he can’t do and we need to talk about what he can do and what he’s willing to do.  Honestly it’s a hard conversation and I’ve felt like we going in the right direction and I’ve bailed on it before.  We’re both miserable, this needs to change and the longer I wait the harder it gets.

Spinning….

22 Nov

Wow, to say I was not prepared was an understatement. Things went from I’m sure I need to get rid of this asshole to I can’t believe I’m breaking his heart like this. He recently freaked out a little from our discussions and my night out.  Where to start?  Well my fiancé has been fighting for my affections.  When I say fighting, I mean yelling and arguing that I should be more loving and affectionate.  Not a turn on. 

 I’ve opened the door to what would make me a more affectionate loving girl: 

  • Not yell at me about such things,
  • Make more of an effort around the house (he is a stay at home dad) and if he cannot do very much be aware of it and possibly be apologetic.
  • Be attentive to our money situation and contribute. 

He fought me on all of those points.  I’m no perfect angel but in my opinion, I’m worth keeping around.  Where do you find a pretty, hard working girl to support your lazy ass these days?  If you know tell me so I can ask her out on a date. 

From there the fighting ensued.  Then it broke.  He organized a bureau and dusted the TV. I cleaned the bathrooms, mopped, cooked, laundry, kids’ rooms and the kitchen.  You know what things looked good but there is still more to do. 

He then lost his fight and became mopey.  I fixed some dinner while he spent his time in the garage or in our room.  At dinner it got weird.  My son was not eating food and being a bit mouthy.  My fiancé tells him to respect his mom.  That he’s not sure if he’ll be around to remind him so he has to learn it now.  He’s now looking at us and tearing up.  Talking about how he’s going to end up like my Dad.  That he will become an afterthought for the holidays.  That I’ll be too busy trying to impress my new family to care about him. 

I’m now noticing his eyes are very red and they are not moving in sync.  He’s falling asleep while chewing, OMG!  I ask if he just took his pills, he said he took three. His pupils are pinpoints.  He starts to ramble about how much he loves us all that we are everything to him.  I know I’ve complained and vilified him but now I just feel so sorry for him.  I feel bad for what I’ve done, what I’m doing, what I think I have to do.  When he is fighting me I forget he’s damaged goods with a poor skill set.  I’m apparently not equipped to help him grow.  I’m not a get help kinda girl. I keep thinking he should be able to do it himself but what if he can’t.  I’m currently not able to afford therapy for him and I wonder if that will just turn me into the villain.  

 I was so not ready for the sad part.  I was bracing for the mad part.  He looks like a kicked puppy.  Before this weekend I was so sure of what I have to do, now it’s fuzzy again.

 

Funky crockpot fire…..

15 Nov

I’ve been in a funk.  I’m still not been able to have the kind of talk I need to with my fiancé and my contact with my lover is down to almost nothing.  I’ve slacked off on my exercise and eating poorly.  I have started to handle my finances.  I spent 45 minutes on the phone with my cable/internet provider and got them to reduce the past due bills some, yeah!  I adjusted my package down from HD and premium channels to the bare minimum.  He knew I was adjusting things down to save money.  We didn’t talk before he sat down and turned on the TV.  He yelled out what the fuck when he saw we didn’t have HD, complaining the picture was fuzzy.  When he saw our channel selection he threw the remote.  It was a slap in the face due to our current money troubles. 

Later on in the week I spent some time over at my Mom’s house.  I didn’t take my fiancé along.  As we were chit chatting I told them about my new job.  I really like it so far.  The stocking, the playing with a little computer the challenge of getting things done quickly and correctly.  Call me a nerd but I like that stuff.  Also the stockroom is upstairs so I can get some exercise by running up and down, bonus!  As we are talking I’m looking through a crock pot cook book and marking pages.  They ask what I’m doing.  I let them know that I’m working on a meal plan for the week.  My plan is to target my shopping to save money and resolve the late day phone call from my fiancé saying asking what do I want for dinner.  He stops me and says why do you think you have to do it all.  He goes on to tell me that he can just see that once the boys are in school that I won’t put up with this anymore.  I’m thinking has he been reading my blog?  They told me they don’t mean to beat me up but they are worried about me.  We had a great night, I need to spend more time with my loving supportive family. 

I didn’t get to speak to Tom untill today (Monday).  We even were light on texting.  He was out Sunday night and I was too buried in cleaning to go out so I sent him a text.  I asked him send me something that I can think about in my dreams. I fully expected something sexual.  What he sent got me all misty.  He texted: I loved standing beside the fire looking at your eyes shining back at me.  The feeling of us being together felt perfect.  I wished that it could be that way everyday.  I know it’s silly to keep thinking about being with him.  It is just such a nice thought to be with someone like him.  It’s like a vacation for my brain.

Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

Trying to frind my way….

4 Oct

I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.  On one had I can’t imagine life without my fiancé and on the other I can’t see a good life with him.  I am talking to Tom less and less.  I know I’ll never get to be with him.  It’s just something I got myself carried away with.  I’m still so excited to see him but I think I need to tell him I just can’t do it anymore.  It breaks my heart I really feel like we could make each other happy.  He is happy he doesn’t need me for that.  I’m the sad messed up one.  I started to think if my fiance leaves me because of this trip.  If I get caught there is no turning back.

When I think of being alone I get scared.  I really don’t have many friends.  I feel like the trashy person no one wants at their parties.  I don’t think that’s true but for some reason I get so insecure.  I see a long lonely life with the people who were once friendly acquaintances not wanting to see me because of what happened with me and my fiancé.  I get so self-conscious with new people.  I feel like I’ve been in this bubble for so long I don’t know how to operate without my fiancé.  I remember having this feeling of not belonging anywhere when my fiancé and I broke up 5 or 6 years ago.

I’m so torn.  What can I tell my fiancé?  How can I work on things?  He’s already so fragile.  He says how we’re in a loveless relationship,  how I don’t love him anymore.  I don’t know if I do or if I even can love him like I used to.  The worst part is I came back to him.  Throwing myself at him.  Telling him I was a bad girlfriend not enough sex and not doing enough around the house.  I made him cum every morning for I don’t know how long when we got back together back then.  He makes me feel safe and it feels like home with him.  It’s just everything else that is fucked up.  I don’t know if anyone would accept me like he does. I don’t know what would happen with the kids, the house, the dogs, my pay check and on and on…..

A while back I said to myself I just need to put my head down and work on myself.  I think that’s what I should do.  I need; to get into shape, a better routine around the house, a secondary source of income, a better vehicle, a more organized approach to leading my little crew at work, more time with my extended family and a circle of friends.  It’s a big list.  I know I can do it.  I just need to stop making problems for myself.  I just need to put my fiancé on the back burner and have a back bone when it comes to letting him know what I need to help run this household while we’re in it together.