You should let a sleeping bitch lie……

Since I don’t see a way out I’ve been avoiding sitting down and having a we need to talk talk with my fiance.  I’ve said to him on many occasions that I need help income wise for your family, I need him to cut out spending even on the small stuff and that I think he needs to do more around the house.  None of this is news but possibly it has not been delivered with the weight that should be behind it.  Honestly because I really can’t think of what the concequence would be.  I can’t see moving out of my own house that I soley pay for.  Would I take my boys to share a bedroom with me at my Moms?  Would I kick him out knowing he has no income and I don’t have any extra to give him knowing he has no where to go and then ask him to watch the boys while I work?  Good goodness there is no good answer to be had.

I recently went over to my Mom’s house and she ran my budget numbers, the same numbers that fuck with my brain when I run them and yep same result.  I barely have enough to get buy if I don’t drive anywhere extra or eat out ever or buy cigarettes (I smoke when I drink, my fiance smokes a pack every 2-3 days now).  I also don’t have any extra for repairs or kids clothes or heaven forbid an emergency.  So needless to say they said you’re doing all you can. You need help he needs to either step up or leave.  They also understand that even if he goes I don’t have the funds for child care but of course they said they would help as much as they could.

Yesterday I had the day off work and I was home with my boys who both have colds so I just stayed at home cleaning and cuddling them.  My fiance I don’t think did any kind of housework.  He just floated arround fucking off.  He kept telling me how beautiful I am, and he would come up behind me and run his hand over my ass telling me how good it looks.  Every time I wasn’t receptive I felt like he was trying to set me up for sex.  I could use to get laid I did masterbate several times that day and had a bit of a shaving accident that left me bare.  No matter how horny I am I don’t want sex with him because of our situation and due to this situation the man I used to find sexy and irristable is now close to repulsive most of the time.

I got the boys to bed late that night.  I stayed up a while later playing video games with my Dad and my fiance.  I fell asleep on the couch trying to watch Eastbound and Down and woke up alone in the living room.  I went to bed alone and before I knew it my fiance was next to me.  Trying to rub me. Looking at me in that way.  I let him know that I’m not intrested.  He seemed baffeled!  I exploded.

“I don’t like you.  You refuse to help me.  You know what I need and you won’t do it.  You don’t do enough around the house and you just expect me to like it.”

Well that didn’t go over well.  He said back that he does plenty and that I’m just as bad.  Back and forth we go.  He throws in that he ate me out for 40 minutes a few weeks ago and I remind him I didn’t ask for that.  Shit it was the only way to get me wet enough to fuck but I held back on saying that. I tell him to leave or maybe he can go live in the garage because I don’t want him arround.  Then he says I’d have to buy him out.  What about the $10k he put into the house and the $1k per mo for taking care of the kids.  My response is he can have half of the debt there is no equity to share we’re fucking $150k underwater in this house and the $1k per child care he can take out of the medical, food and housing that I’ve taken care of for I don’t know how long. 

So we went to bed mad.  Nothing resolved.  I woke up from sleeping on the couch to being almost back to sleep in bed and then this.  Why can’t he tell I don’t want to have sex with him!  I woke up with him with his hand on my rib cage and it made my skin crawl.  All morning he’s stomping around with a sour look on his face.  What the fuck am I to do now?!?!

Texting can suck….

I am going over in my head again and again a text conversation I had with my lover. It all started off nice enough saying some dirty things to each other. I “slept in” while my fiancé got up with the boys. Alowing me the time to work up 7 or 8 orgasms by hand. I still haven’t gotten my vibe back.

Later on while on a hike with my boys I got a text. It’s a close up of a womans perfectly manicured finger delicately caressing her swollen clit. Her lips blossoming aroused. She is a friend and lover of Tom’s. The were in a bit of contact through Facebook. Tom is going to be in the area she will be traveling to for business in the near future.

Tom and I had talked about her recently on several occasions. What he’s told me of their times together has been hot. I recently asked for the steamy details to give me more fantasy material for the long lonely stretch until we can be together again. When I asked he didn’t have time to give it justice so I wait.

We had discussed the possibility she would meet up with him and travel with the band for the weekend. Tom had said he knows I would do well hanging with them on the road but he was concerned she’d need too much attention. Tom helps set up, sells band merch and drives the band van. He won’t be able to entertain her the whole time. They will also be crashing most likely in someones living room making sex, um, public. I of course said, “What’s wrong with fucking in the privacy of the van?”

So I know a great deal about them together.  I’ve seen her on his Facebook.  I have no reason to be jealous.  She is a church going married mother who gets wild while out of town. No big whoop right?  For a second there my mind reeled into thinking they had a tighter bond than Tom and I and that his sending me her pic means she’s already seen mine.  He’s sent me many pic’s of naked women but they had either given him permission or they weren’t his friends.  So to see her pic means there is something I don’t know or he’s betrayed her trust by sending it to me and if he’d do it to his friend he’s known longer than me who says he wouldn’t do it to me?  Then again maybe it’s just the opposite maybe we’re tighter than they are.  

He texted me that he would be telling her about me.  That I know about him and she will be OK knowing about me (he’s actually said she would love me).  I asked him what his angle was and he answered that he just wanted to be honest with us.  He said that he thought it was funny that he wanted to be honest with the women he is cheating with.  I told him how I like that about him then I asked about the picture.  I asked does she know if not will you tell her.  Right after I asked if he’d sent one of me and if he’d tell me.  His answer was short and that he would tell her and he would ask my permission.  I suddenly felt very guilty about how I asked.  Fucking texting sucks.

Fast forward to me relaxing and thinking about it from a different angle.  To me it’s hot that she sent him that picture.  I thought more about it and it started to get me all worked up again.  With my boys down for a nap and my fiancé hanging out playing video games with our friend I snuck into the bedroom and rubbed out one more for the biggest orgasm of the day.  I shared that with Tom and got no response.  Shit I’m thinking I made him uncomfortable and we won’t be able to talk about it until tomorrow.

This all goes down before 5pm.  At about 11pm I text him goodnight and he sends back goodnight sexy goddess.  I wake up to our joke, a joke I’m sure many married lovers have.  He says to me: I’m ready to run away with you.  Live in Mexico where we could live like kings.  We’ve been texting all morning and right back to normal.  Now I wonder do I even ask if I made him uncomfortable?  I guess I’ll play it by ear.

Messing with my head…..

Recently there has been a change.  My fiancé has held himself to a higher standard on the house work.  I came home the other day to dinner on the stove and a clean home.  He was incredibly nice and when the boys were in bed and we sat down to watch a program together he rubbed my feet and kissed them too.  I know I’ve been looking for some respect and caring from him but I didn’t literary want him kissing my feet but it was nice.

We were talking and smoking when he brought up some things.  He mentioned that he had run out of pain pills a week and a half ago and he was getting by with out them.  He told me he knows that I’m not happy and that he wants to fight to keep his family.  That he wants to change and do better. 

Lately he has been taking his cruiser out for rides to excercise.  He told me he has been doing some crunches.  The pain pills did get refilled but he plans on using them less and stepping down the doses until he can manage the pain and sleep more regularly. 

I recently talked to his mom about our taxes.  She by trade is a tax preparer so she does our taxes for us.  She mentioned she has been pushing him to get a part-time job.  I was surprised to hear it and brought it up to my fiancé.  He said he is not sure what he can do since he cannot sit or stand for any length of time but he is willing to look.  Bringing up that getting out of the house to work would be good for his frame of mind.  I told him even if he does go find work that he can still apply for disability.  They will pay him any back moneys owed and they might be able to deem him partially disabled and pay him a small sum of money in addition to what he earns by working.  He seamed open to it but was a bit upset that I was “hounding” him about this after he did such a great job with the house and the boys. 

This teeter totter life is maddening.  Honestly looking out in the long run I can’t bank on him doing good taking care of his family but maybe I’m wrong.  I’ve been wrong before.  I think after I get this bankrupcy situation handled I need to look back into therapy, probably couples therapy.  Something needs to happen

Wet all day….

No matter what I say or do or decide I wake up every morning and think of my lover.  Today was no exception.  The difference was I was really horny.  We had been saying dirty things to each other yesterday afternoon.  I sent him a few pictures, even though I told myself I wouldn’t send any untill he asked for more.  He said flattering things about how he misses the taste of my juices and the angle of the photo made him think about how he’d love to see a girl underneath me while he takes me from behind. 

We talked about how we would love to enjoy another woman.  Detailing what specific things we would like to do.  I love the idea of him fucking me from behind while eating her pussy.  He really wants to see me be eaten out by a woman.  A double teamed blow job is always a lot of fun.  Both of us have a bit of a mean streak that I don’t think we would ever use (of course unless we found someone into that sort of thing).  We giggled about him fucking me in the ass and then having her suck him off.  Honestly I’ve gone ATM at the spur of the moment and didn’t even thing about how gross it is untill after the night was over. 

Needless to say it was a long horny day.  We were talking about how we ache to be together.  There is a new position opening at his work that would up his earnings making it more realistic for him to make the expensive trip to come see me.  Again let me preface this with I’m a horrible person but being in finance I know that the second my bankrupcy is discharged everyone will want to give me a credit card and that will alow me the fundage to meet him half way and maybe bring a new toy to play with.  The waiting is killing me!

William always has something to say that I need to hear.

Black's Jewels

I am not scared of falling in love because normally there is someone there to catch you. I am scared of falling out of love because usually there is not & that is the part that hurts the most.

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Yup, still works…..

Finlay got laid and liked it.  Kinda away.  My fiancé has been better.  Making an effort around the house and for the most part trying to be nicer.  With my sinking financial situation I’m starting to settle into the idea that I’m stuck for a while longer and I’ve been softening up to him.  There has been a few times where he has caught my eye.  He has fair skin and blue eyes with dark almost black hair cut short but sometimes a little superman curl will fall onto his forehead.  He’s a beast of a man, broad shoulders, huge arms, giant calves. 

He went out on St. Paddy’s and came back early with one of our friends.  I woke up and started drinking with the guys.  That lead to smoking, doing a few bumps and chatting untill early in the morning.  We went to bed together and he started rubbing my back.  I knowing where this will lead got uncomfortable right away.  I started to relax a little and let his rubbing calm me. 

I still wasn’t as into it as I would like to have been but he started slow and I was still relaxed enough to go with it.  After a few thrusts he slid down and started to give me head.  Taking me by surprise and also that it had been a long day I was a little squirmy.  He didn’t stop and wasn’t shy.  I was having trouble relaxing enough to get carried away by orgasm.  He came up on top of me again for a minute and then went back down.  Still having trouble relaxing I started to flip through my rolodex of go to fantasies.  Hot girl sucking his dick; no, chick eating me out; the goatee makes it hard so no, Tom fucking some chick next to us;…hmm…that’s working.  So as my fiancé got his hands and tongue in time my mind wandered to watching my lover fucking some chick across the room and then mounting her face to cum in her mouth.  Before I knew it I was moaning out an orgasm so intense I wondered if I’d drenched his face.  Being very pleased with himself my fiancé entered my swollen pussy and within a few thrusts he was at climax.  I guess withholding for a month can turn almost any guy into a minute man.

 

Thoughts from the metaphorical couch…..

I have a dialogue going on with a person who is almost a therapist.  She is a fellow blogger and has been asking me some questions to help me understand why I am so stuck.  Honestly I might be too stubborn to get on the right track but I’m trying not to fight it. 

She had asked me a question that triggered some other stuff for me.  Stuff that has come out in my writings and then came out my mouth.  She asked how I really feel about what Tom is doing.  She said that he doesn’t truly love me that he’s quite possibly a sex addict. 

So how do I feel…..

When we started talking I really felt the need to get out why I’m doing this to my fiancé.  Honestly the amount of hurt it would cause was something that even though I wasn’t happy with him was a huge concern for me.  I would try to find out why he could do it to his wife.  I would ask how the guilt didn’t eat at him and he said how he could keep things separate.  I wasn’t incredibly keen to it but I wondered if there was more to the story and heck we were just talking on the phone 700 miles apart from each other how much trouble is that anyway?

He has mentioned before little things.  Like that he doesn’t like to be arround the same people too much and that his wife seems to keep a separate life a bit.  Even separate bills and accounts.  Strange to me but maybe not to strange to people that have been through divorces and even that have become adults without their partner with them.  Once he did say that he didn’t want to attend a family function with his wife and that struck me wrong.  I would expect him to do do it for me so maybe I’ve thrown my heart the wrong direction. 

As the time has passed from when we started talking to now my overwhelming desire to live with him has faded into reality.  Knowing we’ll probably never be together I’ve been able to relax.  Not question how he can do this to a wife he seems to have no issues with.  He still is a fun, amazing interesting person that I would love to spend more time with but if he were to show up one day and say, “Hi let’s get married.”  I would be a little scared.

Would he cheat on me, would I be too clingey for him, would his conservative (I use the term loosely) ways be a bummer for me?  So many what if’s that I don’t see myself ever having to deal with but surely if I’m getting in this deep I should be ready for the possibly.

So all this swirling in my head while we were talking.  I think his wife had come up and or maybe the trip to the City where I stalked him.  I told him that I thought I was OK with him not breaking away to kiss me but it sort of hurt.  That I would have found a way.  Of course he didn’t even have to defend himself I did it for him, saying I know how careful he is and that I couldn’t expect him to risk his good life and his nice wife.  That lead me to how I feel guilty that by continuing on with him I’m part of risking their marriage and her feelings.  She seems like such a nice girl and from here I would guess she would be devastated to know her devoted hard working husband was cheating on her.  I told him I justify it by knowing if it wasn’t me it would be someone else but should I be part of this.  I said maybe it would be best if I let him go.  I finally let him talk and he said please don’t, don’t let me go.  Telling me how special it is between us and that he is enjoying it very much.  Even with all the bad and confusion and longing I’m enjoying him too.

Maybe I’m a bad person, maybe I’m a weak person and I know for sure I’m prone to fantasy.  My rose colored glasses make everything appear brighter with the exception of my self and seeing through the bullshit at work.  I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse.  Loyal to a fault but maybe for the wrong reasons.  I hope one day I’ll find out.  Maybe answering these hard questions as honestly as possible will help.  I just hope I don’t take too many people down with me.

Round and round I go…..

My fiancé has to go to pain management sessions to keep receiving pain killers and of course to try to help him with his pain levels.  They have him talk to a councilor and when he relayed the session to me it was sad.  He was asked if the pain was effecting his relationship with me, of course he said yes.  Asked if he had any support, family near by, friends he can depend on.  He said no.  They asked if he thought his being a home maker was womans work and he says yes and adds that he loves his boys and is very happy to be with his kids.  They ask if there are any plans for separation and he tells them no and I say there’s no place for you to go anyway ( I know total bitch move ).

  He’s telling me all this and looking so sad.  He says how I don’t want to touch him, how he knows I don’t like him because I hardly look at him.  All I can do is look down at the bed and nod a little.  I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to put blame on him now.  Right now he is sad, pitiful and lost.  Honestly so am I.

My analytical side says things will never change.  He’ll always slide back to being the overbearing user that he has been all these years.  That we’ll always struggle and be at odds.  My heart had planned that we would be together forever.  My future was to have my family together, no sharing of holidays and weekends, I would grow old with someone I know and who knows me inside and out.  Who remembers me young and full of adventure.  Now that I’ve bonded to myself to him for life with our boys it makes it so much harder.

My cold heartless side says if I break things off and I kick him out he’ll get the disability and he’ll get the settlement he’s been working on from the injury and be up $50k while I’m still struggling.  He has mentioned getting these moneys and taking our family on a vacation and buying reliable cars.  He knows how this is killing me, that I work my ass off and feel guilty spending $20 on myself.  How I’m embarrassed to see my clients in my busted up car. 

Round in circles I go.  I do have an angel helping me take a look at my life to see where things have left me off kilter.  We talk when we can and honestly I think I might be to set in my ways to take her advice but I’m willing to listen and I won’t forget.  I may not do the right thing right away but at least I’ll have the knowledge for when it’s time.  I’m tired of being under the little black rain cloud. 

My day as a stalker…..

<p>Going into this he didn’t have a plan on how he could get free to see me.  I didn’t know what day to drive an hour South to meet him.  Thursday I got dressed in a skirt and a cute top and some cute lacy undies and left for the day like I was going to work.  I stopped at a department store and did some shopping.  Checking my phone.  Went to the local charity and dropped off some items.  Checking my phone.  Ran another errand.  Checking my phone……still nothing.</p>
<p>I got a text from Tom.  He and his crew were shopping on that same long street where we had walked together hand in hand, kissing at every corner.  He told me when he got close to where we had parked together he had expected to see my T-Bird. </p>
<p>I texted him back that I’m placing my bet on tomorrow and if he thinks it’s a bad be to let me know now.  I stopped by the library and got a few books and paid my fine.  He texted me back that they won’t leave his side.  I told him I’m going home and that I’ll drive to him tomorrow and maybe we’ll have some luck.</p>
<p>Friday I thought about wearing pants but chose a skirt again because a girl scout is ready for anything right?  I made breakfast for my family and left before having time to do my make-up. I texted Tom from a stop light that I was on my way to the city and I felt like I was skipping school.</p>
<p>Right about the time I get into the city I see a text from Tom that he’s at the chocolate factory.  I park about a block away and finish my make-up.  Then I see them, first Tom’s sister-in-law and wife, then brother and law and then him.  My heart starts racing.  I’m facing them as they are walking by me.  My mirror is down and I see them casually peer into my car.  Just checking out the nobody they know sitting there.  Tom has dark glasses on I don’t know if he saw me and he’s acting cool or if he saw nothing at all.  He’s at the back of the bunch.  I think I have to make a noise.  I think honk the horn, but no too obvious.  I roll down my window right as he walks by but he doesn’t even flinch.</p>
<p>They pass right by.  I see them gathered together at the waterfront talking.  Making their plans taking pictures.  I can’t stop looking.  I feel like such an outsider.  I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be there.  Fuck it I’m there and I’ve got to see him again.</p>
<p>I re-park closer to their destination.  I big tourist area that is like an outdoor mall.  I wait near a the museum that Tom and I had visited together July of last year.  I still don’t spot them.  I’m loosing hope I wonder if they got by me.  I head toward their destination texting him that I’m there and going to get a coffee.  He lets me know they’re almost there.  I text him back, “Ah, try not to look.”</p>
<p>It feels like forever that I sit there next to an old couple who are watching pigeons.  There is a band about ten yards away and a tour bus behind me.  Me and the old couple sitting on a bench drinking coffee on a warm sunny March day.  I’m waiting, adjusting my shirt, fussing with my phone, my purse, my hair and trying to look casual.</p>
<p>I see them coming I try not to stare.  I keep peeking casually.  Trying to keep my lips over my teeth.  My body wants to smile.  My legs want to get up and run to him.  My arms want to wrap around him.  I sit there forcing everything to remain calm.  He sees me and stares at me.  He’s dropped to the back of the group everyone’s distracted by the touristy hubbub.  He hangs back and looks at me and smiles.  It’s a warm wonderful smile and then he walks by.  He has to keep moving with the group.  I watch them not knowing what to do next.  I sit there feeling alone with the old couple I don’t know and watching my love walk by with his wife and her family. </p>
<p>I walk into alcove of shops and restaurants.  I try to shop around casually.  I’m suddenly aware that my bright blue blouse and brightly colored pencil skirt with a little ruffle at the bottom stick out in the crowd of drab-colored clothes. </p>
<p>I see them here and there.  I text Tom and he sends me little notes on where they are at.  While I was trying on rings he called me.  I picked up my phone and called him back and he didn’t answer.  He wasn’t alone again.  I sat and watched a magic show waiting for him to come out of the arcade.  I get a text saying they were back out on the street.  I had missed him some how. </p>
<p>They went back to the hotel and I did some shopping. I didn’t find the shoes I was hoping for but I did find a cute blouse.  I got to head home alone.  No hug or kiss for my efforts.  Just a smile a wonderful warm smile.</p>