Can things change?….

19 Feb

We’ve started to open up a little.  He says we’ve got a bond in blood and he wants to keep our family together.  He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he loves me with all of his heart.  That I’m sexy, smart and amazing.

He knows I’m not happy and I want him to do more.  He sees that I’m sad, disconnected and stressed.  We discussed again that I need his help and not that I want him to do what he is unable to do but I want him to do what he can.  

 He keeps getting stuck on that I want him to work and don’t care about his injury.  I remind him I just want him to contribute. Whether he can find a job that can suit his physical limitations, get disability, start an E-bay store or find a work at home prospect anything that shows he is trying will help.  I remind him that I’m ticked off more because even before he was injured he wouldn’t look for a night job as his unemployment ran out.

We started talking about how he makes me feel.  That when I leave the house at night that I need to be in frequent contact with him.  He tells me how do I know you’re not whoring arround.  Sticky question for me now, right?  I tell him that all these years I’ve been faithful that shouldn’t that earn me the freedom not to have to talk to him every hour. I don’t ask that from him.  This opened the door for him to bring up my youth.  Telling me that I whored arround with 60 men before I was 17 and that I fucked a guy I knew for a week after we broke up.  Both of which were wrong (I had just wrote a bit about it in this post).  It also made me think of another post I need to write but I’ll save that for another time.

We got past that and went into name calling.  Recently at a dinner where well he was being less than desirable dinner company he complained that he is always the last person eating.  He has said a couple of things about himself in the recent past that he has a small mouth and a large gut, not both in the same sentence but he has said it.  So, my smart ass said he’s the last one to finish his meal it might be because of his small mouth and large gut he was terribly offended. Looking back I understand and feel bad about it (I’m far from perfect).  So we were talking about how he was calling me a cunt and fucking bitch when he was yelling at me the other day and he compared it to when I said the small mouth large gut thing.  It took a good 15 minutes to help him understand the difference between using words that have no other purpose than to hurt some one than using something that is off color but could be taken in stride since it’s something you’ve said about yourself.  Again I apologised and said it was wrong of me to have said what I said.  I think he said he was sorry too, he said he just gets so angry and that is the only way he can express himself.

Then he went into how the young me would be very disappointed in the current me.  To which I had to disagree. I’ve always been ambitious and resourceful.  If you think about the young me, doing drugs, stealing cars and stuff, working in the mall, my plan for the future was to rob a few banks and move to Canada, then yes the old me would be like, “Why are you working for the man and there is way too little sex, drugs and rock and roll going on here.”.  I told him I’m proud of myself and I wish you would be too.  He tells me there is nothing he would change. He is so happy to have the boys.  I ask are you proud of yourself and he goes, “Yes, I’m not a crack head, I’ve never been locked up, I’m not homeless, I don’t beat you or the kids we have our own house and great boys.”  Good lord he has succeeded because he’s not a crack head.  I guess I should have seen this coming but when you’re aspirations are to rob banks and move to Canada (pronounced by us as Can-a-Duh-Duh-Duh) not being homeless or in jail is pretty awesome.

The people from pain management had him see a counselor.  Where he told them that his injury and pain was effecting our relationship.  The big box healthcare provided offered him meds which he declined since he takes maybe 10 or so different kinds of medication a day he didn’t want to risk a bad chemical reaction.  He told me how miserable he is.  How he has thought of killing himself though he would never do it.  That the words I said to him ring in his ears, how I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine a life without him and that he doesn’t do it for me any more. 

I was as encouraging as I could be.  We talked about going to counseling.  He wants to try to do better.  I remind him that I don’t expect it to all happen at once but I need to see that he’s trying.  That he cares about making things better together and he’s nice to me and the boys.  Now I need to find a counselor that I can afford and line up child care for when we go.

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10 Responses to “Can things change?….”

  1. sexuallifeofawife February 19, 2012 at 2:31 pm #

    Good luck with the counseling! Sounds like you are already working some things through – even if things don’t work out in the end, talking is a good thing…

    • terriblytorn13 February 20, 2012 at 10:08 am #

      Yes even if things don’t work out it might help with the “after care”
      I have to feel like I tried everything before I give up

  2. LiesHurtMySanity February 19, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

    You say it very well. Can’t see a good life with him, can’t imagine life without him.
    Remember, your bonds are blood, but just as with siblings and parents sometimes you can’t let them ruin you. I’m estranged from my brother. Our lives are better and happier NOT talking at all instead of arguing over my soul.
    Wish we could go for coffee sometime. We come from two different directions to the same situations. 🙂

    • terriblytorn13 February 20, 2012 at 10:07 am #

      I like that, yes getting coffee would be great!
      If we ever end up in each others neck of the woods I’m sure we will.

  3. lovesexandmarriage February 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

    Torn, I’m in human services, and many of the counseling centers around my area offer a children’s play area at no extra cost. Ask about it… And good luck, my dear…

    • terriblytorn13 February 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

      I’ve started calling arround and now I’m asking if they have someone to watch the boys.
      Thank you!

  4. The Hook February 26, 2012 at 6:04 am #

    Words are just words; he needs to stand up (Finally!) and start being a MAN!

    • terriblytorn13 February 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

      He can’t see it, totally escspes him. He is fully aware of what woman’s work is but being a man apparently has no gravity for him

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