Sexuality rant….

2 Feb

Sometimes I wonder if society’s mores have stifled me as a sexually charged person.  The have forced part of me to exist in the shadows and made me inclined to feel ashamed of what I enjoy doing.  I think back and the curvey body I developed early had my class mates being demeaning to me early on.  Though I had had one kiss and one “boyfriend” by 7th grade I was called a whore and a slut.  There was no way for them to know but I’d already started coming in to my sexuality looking at Playboys and Hustler mags at the family’s home where I babysat after the children had gone to sleep.  Masturbating with the shower massager at home when no one was around. 

When I chose a less than romantic way to be deflowerd it didn’t seem to me like such a big deal.  I already had a reputation.  A few more encounters and I was able to find extreme pleasure being with another person.  Even though sex was a regular part of my life I didn’t talk about it with anyone, anyone at all. I guess I should say outside of the people at the womans clinic.  I went often to get checked and to get birth control.  My mother never knew. 

My fiancé and I met in school.  We had been together a whole year before I chose to pursue him.  I was falling out of lust with a 25 year old man I was seeing at the time I was 17. I got my future finances attention by inviting him to cut school and smoke weed.  We waited an entire week before making love.  I surprised him, I don’t remember how it started but I do remember pinning him down and riding him until I came.  He hadn’t been with someone so forward with their own pleasure before. 

After being together for a while he found my vibrator I had bought it when I was 15.  I walked down to the Adult Book store on the outskirts of town and bought it cash.  I was so embarrassed when he found it.  Again why should someone be shy about fulfilling their sexual needs?  Not to long after he found my diary.  It had accounts of my adventures sexual and otherwise.  The back the the list of all the 100 boys and men I’d kissed and the 30 I’d fucked.  He destroyed it while I was in the shower.  He was very unhappy that I had such a past.  I was very upset, to this day I’m upset about him destroying my memories bad or good they were mine and I wrote them for a reason.

I for a long time felt un-loveable.  That only the good girls deserved real love that I had to take what I could get.  Keeping my secrets to feel a little more normal.  When my future fiancé told me how disappointed he was, that I was a whore and the people I chose to sleep with were disgusting.  I took it hard.  Sure they weren’t the best of the best but I had found beauty in them and I enjoyed myself with them.  We moved forward but it still is something he will throw in my face when it suits him.  I’m just a whore.  A whore who was faithful to him always, until now.  My question to him is how dirty are you to stay with someone you think of like that.

Would it all have gone differently if someone had told me wanting to have sex is normal and to choose wisely and be discreet but not ashamed? Was I destined to be different? Am I different or is everyone else hung up because that is what the group chooses is right for everyone?  When I tell any one about this that has young girls they are shocked.  Better to find out early and help than have to clean up later right?  I’m reading so many blogs that are exploring sexuality in many diffrent ways.  Thank you to all of you for putting your pleasure out there.

Advertisements

13 Responses to “Sexuality rant….”

  1. Fun-sized February 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

    I feel ya, I do, I stayed with a man for a long time who routinely said degrading things to me, and it became part of who I was. My husband now never talks to me like that but I always feels that he thinks things like that about me.

    Aren’t you the mother of his children though? I think you should ask him to stop. I did it yesterday under less intense circumstances but I am gonna try it again. (((((TT)))))))

    • terriblytorn13 February 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm #

      Yes, I am the mother of his kids and I have told him to stop. He doesn’t say it all the time. Only when we fight or talk about breaking up. He also is very hung up on when we broke up about 5 years ago I got together with a guy that was maybe 11 years older than me. I think he has anger issues, but it doesn’t make it OK.

      I hope your situation gets better.

  2. sexuallifeofawife February 2, 2012 at 1:51 pm #

    Personally, I think you are very lucky to have ‘whored’ around (for want of a better word!) I wish I’d been abit more adventurous at that young age with other people – but maybe I wasn’t ready yet. I did masturbate every night though – so sexually I got to know myself well. I think its awful of your fiance to call you a whore in a derogatory way. Our pasts are what make us. I guess he is probably just insecure about you having laid more people than him – but he is being nasty none the less!

    • terriblytorn13 February 2, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

      I had fun, I was safe careful and disease free. Honestly, he has reaped the benefits of my sexual freedom. You are right he has laid fewer ladies than I have men. Shoot, we laid an equal amount of ladies together as he had before we met.

      I was trying to go more for the angle of what society says is OK and how the opinions of others can slant you’re self worth. I still need to work on my writing skills.

      • sexuallifeofawife February 2, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

        Your writing skills are just fine! I was just honing in your fiance! ; )

  3. transformingZ February 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm #

    I feel sorry for how your fiancee thinks about your past.

    I also have quite a vivid past with more than enough lovers, and before I got together with my current lover I avoided telling the guys- either they think you are a whore (not worth appreciating or respecting), either they get their own issues like “she is so experienced, I am sure i cannot live up to her expectations” (Bollocks. If I love/fuck, I love/fuck however experienced/unexperienced the guy is)

    My current man loves me the way I am, including the “slutty” part. Which is still there, just somehow controlled, I don’t pursue it any more. I don’t really feel like a slut in negative sense, I feel like someone who enjoys sex, maybe enjoyed it too much in the past, sometimes with the wrong guys. But almost every encounter I had, was somehow special for me at the time and I lived and loved with dedication- one night stand, affair, or boyfriend. As long as no STD gets spread, where’s the problem?

    If your fiancee dismisses you because of that, I am sure he has his own issues which he is taking out on you.

    • terriblytorn13 February 2, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

      Thank you so much for sharing that. I agree if it’s fun and safe why get uptight about it.
      It isn’t something that is a constant in our relationship but it comes out every so often when we fight.

      • LiesHurtMySanity February 3, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

        I must disagree on this point. It IS a constant in your relationship if he keeps bringing it up. He’s taking something wonderful and precious – your SELF – and wiping his ass with it.
        I’ve been with a guy who did nothing but degrade and use me, who made me feel like I was his mother except he could fuck me whenever he wanted. I’ve been with another to whom I was just a pretty plaything, an accessory with a hole in it. And I’ve learned from both of those men.
        I’ve learned that I have to love me before I love anyone else.
        If I don’t love me, how can anyone else love me?
        Love your self, love your past, and to Hell with anyone who stands in the way of you being YOU.

        • Fun-sized February 4, 2012 at 5:23 pm #

          I love this comment I love it long time 😉

        • terriblytorn13 February 4, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

          I never thought of his actions that way. I always assumed he didn’t have the tools to keep up in a heated argument.
          Its amazing whathow somw people takein for granted. Some good stuff for me to think about. Powerful stuff

  4. The Hook February 3, 2012 at 11:51 am #

    “Again why should someone be shy about fulfilling their sexual needs?”
    They shouldn’t! Neither should you!
    HE DESTROYED YOUR DIARY?
    Why is this man still breathing? Most women would have ripped his private parts off! You deserve better, young lady.

    • terriblytorn13 February 4, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

      He had to. All those documented acts made me a bad girl. He was just trying to defend my honer. OK, that’s total bullshit. I don’t recal what I was thinking at the tine, but there was a good chance it was something lame like that.

  5. confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress February 5, 2012 at 8:00 pm #

    Wow! This is something I could have written. My sexual past is not anywhere near yours, but still there was so much shame put upon me that I actually enyoyed the act. My partners would demean me as a “slut” because of it. Yeah. You’re not alone. Men are studs for fucking, women are whores. Who are the men fucking then? NOT other men because that’s not acceptable either. Arrgghh!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: