The problem with my mind is effecting my mouth….

21 Jan

I’ve gotten to speak a bit more to Tom the last couple of days.  I know he seems so good because I don’t have to share everyday challenges with him and my situation is a little tough right now, but I got that sad pull again.  Even talking to him about his upcoming trip I was excited for him to show his wife and sister in-law the areas we visited (they are very famous places).  It was a strange feeling.  I was wondering how they’d like it.  Not the right frame of mind for a mistress right?  I even think I started to distance myself while we were talking.  Saying how I’d get annoyed with him if we could be together and that it would bother me that he’d need more space than I’m used to.  As I was saying it I felt….off, maybe wrong is the right word, hm?

My co-worker knows. Outside of all of you she is the only person in my life that knows what I’m doing.  She’s seen me beaming when he calls, she’s seen me cry as I miss him or talk about how much my fiancĂ© weighs on me.  She knows that even though I’m a (mostly reformed) party girl I’ve never done anything like this.  The other day we were talking about driving in the snow.  Tom’s a pro at it.  I was telling her about how he would drive crazy fast with no chains in snow and she says to me I see why you guys are soul mates.  Awe how sweet, ripping my fucking heart out. Later when Tom an I talked I told him what my coworker had said and then back peddled muttering something about how much I love him but trying to negate the soul mates statement.  I think he started to open up about how weird our situation is, but I killed it running my stupid mouth.  It seems when I get nervous I talk.  I killed his comment by saying that he should have just hit it and quit it with me and saved himself the expense of a second cell phone, air fair, etc….

Man I hope therapy can help me organise my thoughts.  I’m starting to doubt it will even work.  I wonder if I can be honest about how I feel.  I’m not even sure if I’m honest with myself let alone some stranger who works for a big box insurance company that I don’t trust.  I keep running in circles and getting nowhere.

10 Responses to “The problem with my mind is effecting my mouth….”

  1. BimodalTendancies January 21, 2012 at 8:34 am #

    I’d like to say I’m sure it will all work out for the best, but we can never predict the direction situations like this will go. However, You seem like a tough woman, so regardless of the outcome, I AM sure you will survive and be better for it. I wish you the best of luck with this.

    • terriblytorn13 January 21, 2012 at 1:34 pm #

      Thank you for the vote of confidence. I hope I don’t make a choice that wastes even more time. Luck should help with that!

  2. The Hook January 21, 2012 at 11:13 am #

    Have faith… and give therapy a shot!

    • terriblytorn13 January 21, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

      I have faith even though I am not faithful. Yes I’m looking forward to therapy. I hope I don’t over analyze the therapist.

      • The Hook January 25, 2012 at 8:57 am #

        They can take it! Remember, you’re paying for the best service possible.

        • terriblytorn13 January 25, 2012 at 10:56 am #

          I like the way you think Mr. Hook. I’ll keep that in my back pocket

  3. sexuallifeofawife January 21, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

    Sometimes its surprisingly easy to speak to a stranger/therapist…

    • terriblytorn13 January 21, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

      They’ll probably have trouble getting me to shut up

  4. f#@*knows January 21, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

    I know all about the insane thoughts you have

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