Archive | December, 2011

Share the love…..

29 Dec

I truly believe that you can love more than one person romantically.  I’ve only started to feel it with a girlfriend my fiancé and I once had.  I thought she might be the one.  Imagining the three of us would have babies and a wonderful life together.  She however thought our buddy looked like more fun so that was a harsh slap in the face for me and my fiancé.   

With my current situation I know Tom loves his wife.  I know he loves me.  The two loves aren’t the same but they are both real.  If my fiancé was a better man I could say that if I were allowed to have an open relationship that it could work out very well.  I, like many men out there, love the thrill of the chase.  I love the excitement of being with someone new. 

Being bi-sexual an open relationship could play a little more into my favor.  If my partner was to find a nice girl and she liked me too I’d expect to share in their fun.  I guess I’d be a bit jealous if she didn’t want to play but I think I could get.  Honestly I like the fantasy of my lover being with another woman.  I’ll often think about my man fucking another girl to help me orgasm. 

If Tom and I were to be in a relationship I think he could make it work.  He is very confident and he also likes the hunt.  He also from what he’s told me he likes time on his own where my fiancé likes to spend every waking moment with me. 

Since it’s not something I’ve ever tried I have no idea if this would work.  Then even if you had the basics down pat with your partner there is always the variable of the other parties to mess up the plan.  Out side of that there is the fact society frowns upon it.  Even when I’m confident what I’m doing is right if the vast majority disagrees it can erode my confidence some and the grading feeling can wear on me some.  Maybe I’ll get to try it in my next life or maybe I’ll get my chance when there are fewer interesting options. 

What do you think?  Has anyone ever tried having an open relationship?  Any good stories? Am I totally weird? 🙂

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What a Christmas….

28 Dec

What a whirlwind of holiday fun.  I had taken last week off my day job and was only working nights at the toy store.  I had a great time hanging with my kids and my fiancé was being more of a help than usual.  Just like always I was tight on funds and had to do the bulk of my Christmas shopping on the 23rd when my paycheck came.  I’m not sure what my fiancé was up too that night because I was too caught up in baking.  I made a late night trip to the supermarket and did a good amount of the wrapping with him while we put Dexter on the tube. 

Christmas eve I worked untill about 5:30pm.  The boys and my fiancé delivered the cookies to our neighbors. To my surprise I came home to a clean house!  I thanked him and we were off to my Aunt and Uncles for dinner and cocktails.  I was planning on doing some drinking then finishing up all the Christmas stuff.  Well things got off track.  The boys and I had a great time at my family’s home.  I was taking shots with my Uncle and got a bit tipsy.  My Mom (also drinking) started to grill my fiancé. Basicaly giving him a hard time about the stresses that get put on me.  Well that put him in a bad mood and he wanted to go while I wanted to stay.  I’m guessing we left at about 11ish.  Things got fuzzy because, well I was drunk. 

At home I put the boys down and was snuggling them.  I might have dozed off in the chair where I read them their stories.  I remember my fiancé giving me shit about this.  I was offended so went to my room and looked up some info on my smart phone for tomorrows dinner that I would be cooking.  I again dozed off.  I don’t remember what happened but I think he stated talking shit about my Mom who I defended.  He kept going so I started in on his whole family.  Tacky I know but this always happens he starts in on my family and won’t quit untill I go to far talking about his. 

Now I’m in no mood to be around him,  I text my lover something about being drunk, miserable and that I’m looking forward to getting drunk again tomorrow.  Then a half an hour later maybe 1:30am-ish.  I text him again Merry Christmas and I love him.  Then I’m back out again.

I woke up at 6am in a panic.  I had wrapping and stockings and food to prepare and I failed it all.  I ran out to see that my fiancé had done it all (except the food stuff).  He was so upset with me he had not tried to wake me up to help after our last fight. Part of me was so relived but the guilt was so heavy on me that I had trouble sleeping. 

Everything went well.  The boys had a great time opening gifts, I got the food prepped in the morning.  My Dad and his girlfriend came over brining even more gifts for the boys.  We were over an hour late to my Mom’s where the rest of the family was waiting.  It worked out anyway and  brunch was awesome. 

 I felt a little bad because my fiancé only got a BBQ sauce kit from my Mom and StepDad.  I understood why, but it sucked to know his heart would hurt because of all this.  I also didn’t wrap his gift from me and the last-minute gift I got for the boys to give to him.  I was also supposed to wrap the gifts his Mom had mailed and I didn’t but he wrapped the Fed Ex bags so there was still a surprise for him. 

That night I handled all the cooking.  Dinner wasn’t perfect but it was still tasty.  Friends came over for cocktails. We stayed up late and drank and partied.  I’m really glad the friends came over. 

No matter how much my fiancé drives me crazy and makes my life harder than it has to be I still don’t want his heart to hurt on Christmas.  We did our best to have a nice day and night.  I think it worked out OK.  With him being the hero and setting up Christmas I’m sure I won’t hear the end of how selfish I am for not holding up my end but at least he will have the pride of knowing he pulled it off all by himself.  That’s gotta count for something.     

Hopefully this will be the last year I go into the season unprepared but I think I say that every year.  At least I got the decorating done early.

Holiday Hodgepodge…..

17 Dec

Ah the holidays, I love the spirit of the holidays.  I’ve got my house covered in lights and large inflatable holiday characters in my yard.  The tree has been up and I’ve started baking with a little help from my boys.  I want them to have a great Christmas and I think I can pull it off.  They are so excited.  My major regret with them is due to my hectic work schedule I have not gotten to take them to any tree lightnings or holiday events.  Maybe I can find something to cram in this coming week.

Things with my fiancé are miserable.  He’s weepy often and constantly sick or in pain.  His need for my affections has put me in a corner.  I blurted out that he doesn’t do it for me right now.  In the argument that followed he asked if I was just holding out to tell him to leave after the holidays.  I told him again that I can’t imagine a life without him but I can’t see a good life with him.  I let him know maybe he can change my mind but from here it doesn’t look so good.  I had just worked all night got a nap and went back to work so I was tired, sore and sick.  He saw how miserable I was and came to me while I was laying in bed with the boys watching Frosty the Snowman and gave me a rub down.  I felt guilty taking it was so nice. 

I found out this week I won’t get the new title that comes with a little raise.  My manager will give it another go but they don’t know why I didn’t make the list.  It might be a corporate thing. Who knows?  I was looking forward to a little relief, but oh well.  The boys had gotten colds that turned into ear infections and even with health insurance it cost a pretty penny.  My fiancé had to pick up five medications that cost even more than usual.  My car battery finally gave out.  On top of all that I have been fighting with my mortgage company for a while now about a payment they misapplied and now they’ve sent a foreclosure notice.  I’m not concerned that I’ll lose my home, we are no where close to that, however I can’t believe they would go to that extreme over this little issue.  I again am in contact with the bank to correct this but I know its going to be a battle and I’m not looking forward to the time it will suck out of my life. 

…….and then there’s Tom.  I miss him and wish he could hold me and tell me it will be OK.  I’m so wrapped up in everything that I’m loosing that closeness we used to have.  We talk mostly when he calls me at my office.  I can talk but I can’t be open and there are somethings I can’t say.  I’m starting to wonder what we have.  Some days I feel like he’s tired of me and some days he makes me feel so special that I feel silly that I’d even thought that.  Right now he feels like something I can never have.  A huge part of my pull towards him is what a good partner he would make and I can’t see us being together.  It muddies the waters for me.  I still lust for him, I still get butterflies when we talk but something is changing and I can’t put my finger on it yet.

I want to thank you all for reading and thank you for your comments.    Things are crazy and I’m short on time so I   probably won’t write untill the last few days of the month or maybe not untill 2012.  I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday season.  Wishing the best to you and your families. 

Everyone’s looking to get some….

7 Dec

This blog thing has really interested me.  I’m messing arround with the different options, seeing how people find my site.  I’ve noticed that since I posted Lonely Pillow Humping, most of my search engine looks have been from pillow humping. 

I’m starting to think there is a lot of people out there that have an interest in humping their pillows.  Who would have thought?  I Googled it to see if I could find my own blog.  No luck there but found lots of stories and pictures and videos for pillow humping. Here is one of the reasons why pillow humping is so popular these days, there is an app for it.  One guy was saying his girl could only get off on a pillow.  He went on to talk about how when they Skype it presents a problem because he can’t get a good view while she takes care of her..um…needs.

My other big hits have been through anal sex.  The What What in the Butt post has been very popular.  Then Pinned up and Pinned Down.  This just reminds me that the underlying reason for the internet is porn.  Yes it’s incredibly useful for a plethora of things but in the end it all comes back to sex, just like so many other things.

The second best thing in my life….

7 Dec

Of course the first best thing is my kids and biological family (parents, brother, cousins). As my home life is in shambles my work life continues to shine. It’s my number two.  The deuce that I never want to drop. If I can hold down the fort while this storm beats on me from everywhere else I might just be on the right track. I’ve mentioned before I love my job. I have just the right combination of personal contact and nerdy number crunching. On top of that there is a lot of flexibility and room for free thinking. I’m not in the kind of banking that you would think of when you say banker.

So for fun I will share my recent excitements.  I recently got number one in the company for my position!  I’ve ranked in the top ten seven months this year!  I got employee of the month for the second time this year (funny both were the months I took time off to be with Tom). We do social events with our clients so we are going to have more boxes at baseball and football games and we will be doing more cocktail hours.  Free booze and entertainment, count me in!  The office manager got four great tickets for Roger Waters doing the Wall a show coming up in the spring.  He’s taking me and we will find two clients to come with us, sweet! 

Side note I’m telling my fiancé this stuff.  He brings up the last football game I went to with my boss and ten clients.  We had a luxury box and it was great!  He brought up how some people on face book said going to a game like that without him should be grounds for divorce.  Then he got mad about the future events saying we should be building memory’s not me and my boss.  I remind him it’s part of my job.  I need to build rapport with my clients and support my office.  He scoffs at my job.  I remind him I’m nothing special I was a fucking collector and was 2nd pick for the job I have now.  I fucked up for two years untill someone showed me the way.  The key was I stuck with it.  I took a little luck and ran with it.  He just got more irritated.

 

So I’m writing this because I just got out of a one on one meeting with my branch manager.  He reminds me to try to lead my peers, review the data and make plans for my office and that I’m getting ready to take my managers spot when he leaves.  They are trying to get me a little raise.  He says to me that I could make a great credit manager and what’s to stop me from taking his job as a branch manager one day.  That I could stay in this very expensive place to live and have a good life for my family.  He knows just how to bait his employees, that is one of the reasons he’s so good. 

We’ll I’m baited I’m ready and I have to keep pushing no matter what kinda of bull shit I have to deal with outside of this place.   

Well maybe I am…..

6 Dec

Am I shallow or will more money help? I work in banking but I feel like my finances are out of control. I don’t feel like I have too many extras but maybe the cable TV has to go all together. Two smart phones, maybe that’s a little more than we should have. I’ve started putting my oldest son in a preschool type program and that is stretching me out, but I believe it’s important for him so I have to make room for it. When I try to figure out a budget I get dizzy. How much should I allot for food, gas, meds, household stuff. Now do I have anything left to save for home and auto repairs. Shit, I need a bigger more reliable vehicle but I can’t see how a car payment can fit into my life. How do others do it? What am I missing?

Mzklever recently posted that I should seek a good therapist for my emotional and mental needs maybe I also need to reach out to someone to help me make a plan to manage my bills. I work for a freaking bank you would think there would be someone that can help with that.

When I argue with my fiancé about money he tells me I’m shallow but when I have to worry about how can I afford tires, a roof, why are my floor boards curling (freaky right?), windows, rotten door frame, landscaping not to mention clothes that don’t look ragged, shoes without holes, a freaking vacation and now maybe a therapist….. is that shallow or is that building a decent life?

I have written down our financial situation and asked for his help. He’s more lost than I am. I have begged him to contribute and he has earned $20 here and $20 there fixing friends computers. He has also let himself take up smoking again after being only a social smoker for the last five years or so. I wonder if it’s the new meds. I know I like to smoke when I’m high. It’s pain relief but he’s got to be high.

I guess I need to consider getting some help from a few new souces this New Year.
1) Therapist
2) Financial planner

3) Your advice

OK ready set go…

To do it or not to do it….

5 Dec

I want to see Tom now, right now.  I want to kiss him passionately and have his arms around me all night long.  The count down to our first trip together was 55 days and that was bad.  On that trip we got to spend most of three days together.  Now the countdown is 70 days for me to see him for an hour maybe two.  No over night, no hotel room, no camping, just meeting him somewhere in a big city and hoping not to get caught for public indecency.  Believe me I don’t care where we are I’m going to get what I want from him.  I’m so horny!

Since I’ve gotten back from our camping trip I haven’t been with my fiancé.  Not for lack of trying on his part, if you consider his clumsy groping and whining for sex trying.  For a while I couldn’t even stand the idea of having sex with him.  Now it’s to the point where if I close my eyes and think about Tom maybe I’ll feel better after I get off. 

There’s the lying thing.  I hate leading him on.  If we have sex he’ll think things are getting better.  I’m not as angry at him as I was but I still don’t have the feelings like a partner should.  I still don’t have much hope for us.  Not much is changing.  My friends are telling me to be more firm, I hate working my ass off to only come home to a crappy situation but I’ve got to do something.  My current excuse to not take care of this is the Hollidays.  Maybe next year I’ll find a way to start making changes.