Archive | October, 2011

Something I found….

27 Oct

Love or commitment
Desire or a promise
Fate or failure
A fine line

I used to write.
Probably wrote it when I was 16.
Seemed fitting.

Will you still love me…..

25 Oct

I may have made a bad choice.  A poor choice of words maybe.  Maybe I’m just a bad communicator all together.  Knowing I need to focus to try to right things in my life I decided to do it.  Tell Tom that I need to talk to him a bit less.  We had not talked for most of the weekend and when talking on Monday I was a bit of a mess.  The bills, the house work, my missing him.  It is all building.  We talked about happy stuff at first.  He’s going out to see a band he likes tonight.  Then I start to tell him how stressed out I am.  How after my fiancé was horrible that it went back to pretty much normal only my fiancé was being super nice.  How I wish I had a partner that would help.  I’m up my eyeballs in debt and house work and how he (Tom) is the perfect escape.  I go on saying after going out to the pumpkin patch this weekend as a family I keep thinking I need to work harder to keep my family together.  He listened he didn’t judge me.  I told him how much I love him.  How I wish I knew what to do. 

Then I said it, would you love me as much if we talked less.  How could he say no.  I told him that I need to work on getting another job, that I should use my lunch breaks to try to get things together in my life.  That the night might be the best time for us to talk.  He seemed to take it real well, oh that and I was crying.  He said he wishes he could give me what I need.  That he could help me.  Just talking with him and my short time being with him helps, the perfect escape.  I thank him for the camping trip, for being someone who is kinda normal that loves me.  I clean myself up and go back to work.

That night after dinner I’m in neurotic cleaning mode moping sweeping, toilets, dishes, counters laundry.  Tom had said “we have plans to go to the show” I think meaning his wife, so I’m not trying to get out to talk to him.  I get a message that he just got to the show.  Later I get these bands suck.  Later on I get ” So is the talking less a way of distancing yourself or giving yourself more time to accomplish tasks?”.  I’m starting to think I should have gone out to walk the muts and talk to him.  My response ” I think both, I’m cleaning right now and I think I love y ou a little more than is OK.  Part reality check part neurotic fix stuff mission.” I’m starting to feel weird and anxious.  I didn’t even think about hurting his feelings.  Even though he loves me I think it’s different that he could go for years with out talking to me and still love me, but he doesn’t need me.  He has a good wife and a good life.  In my mind I’m the one that would benefit from him, I would just be a burden to him other than the sex and stuff.  His reply “….It makes sence to me….but I’ve been drinking….and I mean I’m D runk.”  I tell him I wish I could be there.  How I’d love to get D runk with him (we were pretty drunk the first night we kissed but not D runk!) after a few more cute texts we send our good nights. 

Now our no worries, no strings relationship has gotten complicated.  For the first time I’m worried that I hurt his feelings.  I don’t know how to ask.  Now I wish didn’t draw a line in the sand cutting off our lunch talks.  It might be nothing, I sent him a text  saying I’m worried that I might have hurt his feelings.  Nothing.  I sent later that getting people to take my résumé in person is harder than I thought.  His response could have been an answer to both “Really, I thought you were unshakeable.”  Now nothing.  I’ve done it to myself.  I hope he stays up to talk to me tonight.  This could all be so simple why do I have to complicate things?

A plan to make a plan….

25 Oct

I’m back to a weepy insecure mess.  Last week I did very poorly on my duties around the house.  I let go of the purse strings just to have an easy week.  I keep saying in my head that one night I need to sit my fiancé down and make a plan for the housework, yard work and general up keep.  Being so lazy though I haven’t felt that it was the right time to try to get him to buy in to a plan.  My goal is to have a neater more organised home with him contributing regularly.  I feel like my complaining gets no where it’s when there is a plan that we can measure results and from there I can start to see if we need to call things quits or if there is some teamwork to be salvaged.

Money, oh how I hate to think about you.  Since I got home I have not checked my bank account.  I’m behind on several bills and just don’t want to face the music.  I know I need to also set a budget and a plan, however when I try to write things down I come up short.  I’ve decided that I’m going to pull my head out of my ass and take care of it this week.  I will come up with a plan and get his buy in and then take away his debt card (he acts like a compulsive spender).  I’ve applied for jobs on line and I will start my job search in person.  I’ll also need to talk to my phone, cable and internet providers to work the bills down.  I think I’ll pick a fight with my mortgage company to try to bring that down too. 

Maybe now that I’ve written this stuff down I can make some progress!

Like nothing happened…..

24 Oct

The next day I got up and cooked breakfast for the family. The fiancé and I were cordial.  I was taking the boys to the beach and invited him to come along.  To my relief he declined.  The boys and I had a great time.  Sand castles, climbing, picnic lunch.  They told me how much they missed me.  A perfect day.  I saw all the other families with two parents, making me wish I had a partner who I could have a nice time with.  

We left and stopped in for some taffy and they did so well.  I got away from the coastal bluffs and saw a sign for a market that said chowder tasting.  We went in and sampled.  I see I have a signal now and have a message.  My fiancé called.  In a sad voice he says he hopes we are having a nice time, that he loves me and can’t wait to see us.  I try to call him to tell him I’m brining home chowder and crab mac and cheese but I have to leave a message. 

At home it was back to nice, nice.  I felt drained and didn’t do all the housework that was needed.  After getting the boys in bed I took the dogs for a walk. Tom and I talked for maybe 15 minutes while I was out with the muts.  He was out with his friends and seemed a bit distracted. 

It feels so weird to just melt back into the same when I know the same doesn’t satisfy me, but it was easy.  That night my fiancé stayed up late doing laundry (he doesn’t do laundry).  My son needed clean pants for pre-school the next day and he was up late taking care of it.  I guess it’s a step in the right direction.

Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

Holding back tears….

24 Oct

Coming out to this trip I had planned to pour my heart out to Tom.  How I want him in my life for real.  How that feeling brings tears to my eyes often.  That I wonder about his life with his wife.  How can some one I know as very sexual be with someone who is not?  Was she ever his one and only?  Does he see himself with her forever?  I also wanted to talk about me.  How I have so much that I need to fix in my life.  That even though I love him and love being with him it distracts me from what I need to take care of.  I’m having trouble keeping myself from being depressed that I can’t be with him.  I’m constantly comparing my fiancé to Tom and he just doesn’t measure up.  I could go on and on with no good solution.  I just keep thinking I need to talk to him less, but I can’t say it.

As we drive back to town and the airport I keep looking out the window.  My eyes filling up with tears.  I don’t know how to say anything.  I keep reciting the names of my stores and their owners in my head trying to keep my mind straight and my eyes dry.  I finally can say there is something I’ve been wanting to say to you.  He looks at me with concern in his eyes, turns off the stereo.  I tell him sometimes after we’re together or after talking to him I’m sad.  How I want to be with him and I miss him.  Even though I know it’s not right for me to want what I want, I do.  That when he said to me he feels like he doesn’t have to worry that I would want us to leave our spouses to be together, I felt the urge to yell,  “I do want that”, but I know it’s not possible.  That I couldn’t expect that from him but I want it none the less. 

He told me about a girl he used to see.  She didn’t have kids but she had a boyfriend that she didn’t leave but she would run away with him for a week here and there but always go back home.  That her boyfriend would treat her bad afterwards.  Tom said he finally had to tell her he didn’t want to be with her anymore so she wouldn’t put herself through the pain any longer. 

I really didn’t get anything out about me other than my life is fucked up right now.  We kissed at the next light and he played some funny podcast from NPR.  We went back to talking effortlessly.  I asked him to stop for breakfast with me and he did.  He only ordered some fries thinking that when he got home his wife would want to eat and it would be weird if he was full.  I ate my omelet way to fast, I was nervous.  I “showered up” in the bathroom.  We left and hopped into his truck and it didn’t start.  I found someone to give us a jump and helped push the truck back into an empty parking space.  I tried not to cry on my way to the airport.  We kissed and embraced desperately before I walked inside not knowing when I’ll see him again.

Dirty camp love….

24 Oct

It was dark and the stars were just starting to show.  Tom got a nice cozy fire started.  We talked easily, for hours.  He is just so nice to be with.  Looking up at the countless stars together.  I don’t think we even ate until after 11pm.  We brought some brauts and roasted them over the coals.  They went perfectly with our beers and was an easy no mess perfect camp meal. 

Moon rise was late due to the high cliffs around our camp.  The glow of the moon on the hills was magic.  He set up a spotting scope that gave us a great view of the moon.  The time flew by.  The night was perfect.  No rain fly was needed on the tent, so from our bed we could still see the stars.  He ran his fingers through my hair as we lie together cuddled up.  Our last night together for who knows how long. 

The morning came quick.  We seemed to wake up together.  We came together with kisses, caressing each other.  Making love, beautiful, dirty, stinky, camping love.  I put myself together some and we broke camp.  Packing up together felt so nice.  Really doing anything normal with him feels so nice.  We drove out, my hand on his leg until we got to the good part of the dirt road back to the highway, then he held my hand.