Tag Archives: heart ache

A brief update…..

14 Aug

I still haven’t finished writing about my week with Tom.  My chaos is stealing my concentration at work.  I wanted to give a brief update.  After a few days of volatility with Dick things have leveled off.  He is seeing that it’s not just my affair that has ruined us.  He refused to listen to my concerns and needs.  He refused to grow up.  He’s been in crisis therapy all week.  He says that he had been thinking about killing himself but won’t mainly so he won’t cause the boys heart ache but also because his counselor told him that children from families with a suicide are 50% more likely to try suicide.  The group therapy he likened to Fight Club, he is the only one sobbing. 

My family is handling child care and they are pushing for me to put my foot down hard.  My step dad wanted the locks changed.  I considered a restraining order before Dick calmed down and they thought it was a good idea and started to gather the pictures they’d gathered over the years of black eyes and broken stuff.   They tell me I don’t owe him and want me to not give him more money. 

The situation with Olaf blew up.  I think I will detail it in another post but to summarise it almost made Tom cut off contact with me for the period while his daughter is with him.  That is for the next three weeks or so.  My heart hurt and we talked through it but I have chosen to be sensitive to Toms feelings and have no physical contact with Olaf though I made sure I could be his friend.  We can talk by phone and text but are to stay off of sexual topics. 

Work is hard.  I make decisions for a living.  I’m staring at my work having trouble making the decisions I need to make.  Another huge part is talking to our clients…a lot of talking.  That has been tough but it’s getting better and I have the support of the managers and my co-workers as I make my way though this shit storm. 

Things are going to get better.  It will be hard but it’s for the best.  Dick isn’t gone yet but I miss him in a way already.  The boys strangely don’t seem phased that they are not in his care but they do see him often.  I wonder how it will go when he is across the country and they only talk on the phone and Skype for I don’t know how long.  We still need to explain to them what is going to happen.  I belive it needs to be something we do together with love.  I don’t want them to wonder I want them to hear from both of us it has nothing to do with them and we love them more than anything.

I felt like a hearbroken teenager….

1 Aug

I had a rough weekend. First Tom has his kid visting from out-of-town so he is not much contact with me right now. He went on vacation only to come home get ready and leave for another vacation with his family and won’t be back untill next Sunday. So Friday I received a response from a love advice column that had written to. The advise was to dump my fiance and give up hope waiting for Tom. I had written I felt like we were a perfect match and the columnists response was he’s married and 700 miles away how is that a perfect match. Now I’m totally bummed I had hoped maybe the columnist would read some of these posts and see how magic Tom and I are together. That we would be perfect together; romancing women, camping, traveling, hiking, seeing shows, he could teach me how to snowboard (laugh when I fall on my ass for the 100th time), work on cars (maybe even build a hot rod together), boating, swimming, listening to music, we could do housework together and have a great time kissing, making love and I’m sure I left out something but I know you get my point. So I’m weepy thinking of how we can’t be together and how much my heart aches for him. Feeling isolated because the only opinion I have is that I should just give up. I think she even said what makes you think he’ll leave his wife for you. Not that I would want that…right now anyway. Then he sends me a text telling me of a love song, Fish and Bird. I read the lyrics and started to cry.


Fish and Bird


By Tom Waits


They bought a round for the sailor
And they heard his tale
Of a world that was so far away
And a song that we’d never heard
A song of a little bird
That fell in love with a whale


He said, ‘You cannot live in the ocean’
And she said to him
‘You never can live in the sky’
But the ocean is filled with tears
And the sea turns into a mirror
There’s a whale in the moon when it’s clear
And a bird on the tide


Please don’t cry
Let me dry your eyes


So tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I’ll never sail back to the time
But I’ll always pretend you’re mine
Though I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart


Please don’t cry
Let me dry your eyes


And tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I’ll never sail back to the time
But I’ll always pretend that you’re mine
I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart


So, I can’t talk to him, the columnist tells me to give up on him and now this. My mind kept whispering he’s breaking up with you. He’s telling you he’ll always love you but it just cannot be. I usually like to think I’m tough, that I think like a guy but my heart kept breaking. I kept looking for sad songs to further my sulking in a half-broken heart. So I did what any girl should do when they feel broken-hearted. I started cleaning, then drinking then I took the dogs for a run (well a fast jog). Then he called. I was so happy to hear his voice. I wasn’t sure I would tell him how I got sad and insecure but I did. It felt good to tell him. He admitted he teared up too when he listened to the Fish and Bird song thinking of me. I don’t care if he was fibbing it was sweet. We talked about how we have to meet up again. I don’t know when, I think we know where but either way I know we cannot wait to be together again. I still feel like a heartbroken teenager. Listening to sad love songs, thinking about poems, writing a fucking blog about how I feel. Yeah, I love him and I just don’t know what to do. The one thing I do know, I’m not taking that columnists advice.