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Right here right now……

11 Feb

So much has happened since I last wrote….

Tom moved into my state about a year and a half ago and has lived with us now for about a year.  He had a terrible job that he hated and now working with a friend using many of his talents in an ever-changing job that he enjoys very much.  My boys are both in school.  They are sweet loving rambunctious and love me and their dad very much.  They are slowly accepting Tom though their dad has told them to keep their distance.  My ex moved in with an older woman, he still doesn’t work.  He is receiving welfare, food stamps and just got into a subsidized apartment about 10 minutes from my house.  We have gone to court five or so times this year over the visitation time he receives with the boys.  In December I lost the battle.  I was unable to prove he was not fit to care for them for week-long time spans.  They now go back and forth between our home and his apartment every week.  It’s tough adjusting but they seem to be doing OK.  I still hope for his girlfriend to dump him so he becomes homeless and then unfit to care for the boys but a girl can only hope for things like that right?

I’m still working to put together a social life.  Tom is fitting in with my old friend and we’re making new ones.  We’ve had a couple of foursomes, been to a swinger party and have had some good threesomes.  There is this beautiful woman Tom took notice of while we were out one night.  I was distracted by a loud handsome man from New Zealand (with a great accent).  We chatted with her, bought her a drink or two and we walked her to her car.  Where he kissed her, briefly but on the mouth.  That opened the discussion of, “Why are you kissing me when you have a girlfriend?”….so now she’s my girlfriend.  I’ll have to tell you more about her later but it’s been three wonderful months.  She enjoys us both and we enjoy her. 

When I read my old posts, sometimes can’t belive I lived like that with Dick.  Rereading old journals are just as shocking to me. Most of my writing was done when times were bad.  Most of the pictures are from when times were good.  I know there were good times.  However I can’t ever see going back to a life like that.  Tom and I have not fought, we’ve discussed but no terrible fights.  We enjoy trying new things, being outside, meeting new people, doing physical activity and taking care of each other.  He’s done so much to help me and our family that it’s amazing!  My family likes him…..my dad is a little iffy on him but that’s another story and another eye opening situation for me. 

 

Super loves it!!….

25 Nov

Tom, Ron, Kelly and I walked down the street.  Us girls with our arms arround each others waists.  As we stopped at the corner to figure out where we were going Kelly and I made out some. We found a hotel and stopped on the way to get some beer, vodka and champagne.  We poured some drinks and put on some soft porn.  I put our toys out on the television stand.  Kelly and I were snuggled up on the bed together, touching and kissing while the men chatted and looked on.  Ron says to Shelly, “Do you love it?”  She responds back, “Super love it!”  That was their little thing.  I kinda dug it, it was sweet and playful of them.   

  After a while I suggested we put on our bedroom gear.  We both slipped into the bathroom where we laughed that our negligees were both from Fredericks of Hollywood and didn’t really fit our boobs.  Dressing together gave me a chance to pull together more confidence about my figure and gave us time to kiss.  I compliment her on her skimpy black outfit.  She looks me up and down and tells me she loves it.

We came out and modeled for the boys.  Making out and touching she layed me down on the bed and spread my legs hard.  She tasted my wet pussy and told me how good I tasted.  She ate me out like a pro.  I was moaning and bucking against her face while Ron came up behind me and put my hands into her hair and told me to pull hard.  She responded by eating me with a new verosity.  After getting me all juiced up she put on her new strap on and fucked me while the men watched clothes on stroking at their cocks through their jeans.  She told me to get on my knees and fucked me hard from behind.  We switched places and fingered her pussy before fucking it hard with the strap on while Ron is telling how much Kelly loves it, super loves it.   It was a willey toy hard to control, I held it with one hand while I thrust into her and hard and deep and I could with her asking for more the whole way.  I put her on her knees fucking her from behind and Ron pulled out his cock for her to suck as I fucked her.  Tom had his cock out stroking and watching.  I pulled out and lay next to Tom kissing him, his arms arround me.  I slide down to suck his cock showing my pussy off behind me.

Kelly and I continued to play as the men got naked.  She tells me how much she wants to see Ron fuck me in the ass.  I check with Tom he’s OK with it and I’m honest with them, I’m not sure if I can but will try.  Kelly had already been working my ass as she was playing with me.  Ron worked me with his fingers as I sucked on Toms cock.  He lubed me up with his spit and worked his cock in a little at a time.  Working through the tightness with the right amount of force.  Before I knew it he was fucking me with long deep strokes as I’m sucking dick and Kelly is watching us.  She took a turn sucking on Toms hard cock.  Tom layed her down next to me and started fucking her shaved pink pussy.  I’m sucking on her tits and she moans watching her man fuck my ass.   Tom backs away as he cums outside of the group and we all take a break.

It’s time to break into the toys again and Kelly and I choose the bright pink double headed dildo.  We each lay back and the fellas help by rubbing the head on our pussies.  It’s thick and smooth and feels very good going in.  We start to wiggle arround with the men touching and looking on.  They are moving it back and forth fucking each of us with their strokes.  We start pressing together and I grab her legs grinding up into her pussy.  It feels so good.  We’re moaning and thrashing about boobs mouth open.  I suck Tom’s cock briefly and he then moves arround to take a picture or two of our stuffed muffs.  I’m using my hand to rub my clit and grinding against Kelly.  Gripping her legs and pulling her into me.  I start to cum and it keeps cumming.  It was amazing. 

Kelly was having a harder time climaxing.  I gave her a little finger vibrator I brought to buzz her clit.  I’m still bucking against her playing with the toy.  I realize I still have the curved glass toy that will reach up and hit her G-spot,  I walk away and the men have their hands all over her.  Tom is fingering her ass.  Ron has his fingers in her pussy and the other on her throat.  I bring the glass toy and start to fuck her with it.  Slow at first then faster and harder as she starts to moan and buck against us.  She’s getting close as I’m ramming her with it hard, Tom still fingering her ass and Ron is now choking her hard like she likes it.  His cock in her face.  When she finally cums it’s loud and low and then explosive.  We all sit back for a breather after that intense round of fucking.

We start to chat.  We talk about music and a lot of our taste lines up.  The conversations drifts to other experiences we’ve had.  Tom and I have only had a woman as a third.  Tom before me has been a third for a couple but has never shared his girl.  Ron tells us that we are awesome.  This was great, he has been with couples that can’t let go of hang ups or that are totally full of themselves.  Fellas that hover over the girls and even someone who walked out on their significant other.  We were deemed legit, and Kelly confirmed she Super Loves It!.  Tom and I had an amazing time too.  At this point Tom had cum, I had cum and Kelly just came but Ron was left out.  He won!  

While Ron was in the bathroom I said to Tom and Kelly that it didn’t seem fair that Ron hadn’t had his turn.  I wanted to help him cum.  They agreed and before I knew it I was on top of Kelly kissing her and rubbing against her pussy.  Tom came in behind me as I was on top of her and started to fuck me.  Ron returned from the bathroom to us fucking and he came close enough for me to get his cock in my mouth.  I suck him and he wants to fuck me again.  I go to the edge of the bed and give him the option of fucking either hole from beind.  He grabs my hips forcefully and drives into my wet pussy fucking me hard.  I reach under and caress his balls as he’s plowing into me.  I look back over my shoulder to seem him sweating and flexing staring back at me.  I turn back to Kelly and Tom who are now fucking as well.  Ron is about to cum and he gets on the bed on his knees and tells Kelly she’s going to get it and shoots his load over her face and tits while Tom is still balls deep inside of her pussy.  Tom calls to me to take his load in my mouth and I swing arround to suck him off as he cums again.  It’s late and we just had a perfect finish to an amazing night.

We have a hard time saying our goodbyes because we keep catching ourselves in conversation.  One thing is for sure we all want to try it again.  I super loved it! I pack my toys and my left over bottle of champagne.  Tom and I are dressed it’s 2:30 and I have to be at work at 8:45am.  I kiss Kelly good bye and give Ron a hug, and end up doing it one more time before leaving for the night.  Tom driving and me dozing in the passenger seat.  

That was less than a week ago and Tom and I are still talking about it.  Turning each other on and so excited for our next time together.

AFF…..

21 Nov

Before I met Tom I’d never heard of AFF and when he told me about it I was very leary.  Meeting people on the internet for sex.  What kind of people would we meet.  How can I make sure people I know don’t find me and treat me strangely or expose me.  Is it safe?  Before Tom had met me he had a profile with a lesbian friend of his.  He met a couple for drinks and there was no connection so it ended there however it gave me a little confidence on how the process worked and that I could bail if things didn’t feel right. 

Tom and I made a profile.  I’m pretty sure in my past posts I mentioned using our profile to fool arround on cam.  Our audience got up to 800+ viewers.  It was a huge turn on, naughty and sexy.  We fucked for them all to watch.  For a while though our profile has been put aside.  However with Tom moving to Northern California with me moved our profile and a whole new world of options opened up.  There are so many more AFF users in this area than in Toms previous location.  We started to chat here and there.  Emailing and flirting with people that looked like it would be fun to play with.  Tom and I had originally been searching for single female but over the years we started to like the idea of a couple.  He was getting more comfortable with the idea of watching me suck another mans cock and get fucked while he enjoyed either myself or the other woman.  One day we got an email from a very good potential match.  We chatted, texted, shared pics and arranged a meeting.

Dinner at 6 in a near by town.  My dad was sleeping over with the boys and Tom and I were out for our double date.  They were running late…..anticipation was running high.  I brought the glass curved toy Tom had fucked me in the parking lot of my office with and a double headed dildo.  Packed in the backpack I had a little negligee that covered the parts I wasn’t as comfortable with as I would like.  We had exchanged pictures however they were the more flattering type, lots of boob, face shots, pussy and sucking dick.  Tummies and thighs hidden away out of frame.  So I knew the girl we were meeting is thick and sexy however I couldn’t tell from the pictures how she stacked up to my self consciousness.  Tom and I walked arround a town he had never been to and had a drink.  Checked out some shops.  We went to the restaurant and waited…

When they showed up I was pleasantly surprised we were close in size.  Her man was big and handsome.  They also had a nine year age gap making us the same ages.  We talked a lot, work, kids, cars, homes…how we met.  She was a little concerned about the night because she had just finished her period so we were playing it by ear.  After a nice dinner we got a drink….while drinking her her man Ron put his hand on her boob and I followed his lead.  Kelly then grabbed mine…soon we were drinking with our hands on each others legs.  Sitting Ron, Kelly, myself and Tom all touching the person next to us.  As our drinks ran out I suggested we continue our drinking at a hotel bar.

Progress….

21 Nov

Tom is going to be moving here soon.  He and his wife have entered into marriage counseling and each session they discuss a little about how they will separate.  His parents live in their home and they are going to be moving in with his Aunt across the country.  He will drive them out and move them at the end of the month.  At the start of next month he will come to visit me and start looking for work in the area.  He already has some money saved to get a place and exist for a while untill he finds a job if he cannot find one before he moves out.  Also his friend in a near by city will be making room in his storage unit to keep his classic car and motorcycle. All the plans are moving, its becoming reality and happening fast.

I should be very happy but I have an uneasyness.  I’m excited and nervous.  He is a responsible, hard working, fun loving man who worships me.  I am so very lucky to have his love and attention.  I have trouble putting my finger on what makes me uneasy or maybe I have trouble admitting even to myself my nervousness comes from a shallow selfish place.  He’s a bit older than I am and is in attractive in a different way than I would normally find myself falling for, I hate to say it but that might be where the nervousness lies.  I would feel horrible to have him move his whole life here only to waffle on our future together.  I say these things now however I know in my heart that when he is with me all of this will disappear and I will be so very content and happy to be in his arms. 

Update: I wrote the above about two months ago.  Since then Toms parents live across the country.  He and his wife have agreed to divorce.  Tom has quit his job, gotten a storage space in my town and moved his stuff into it.  His divorce is finalized and he is living an hour a away from me with his best friend while he looks for a job and visits with me often and gets to know my boys a little at a time.  Oh and that thing about the nervousness has faded to barely a blip on my radar. 

 

Relationships…..

7 Sep

It’s been just about a year since Dick and I separated.  Tom is still 700 miles away but not for long.  I’m still having a bit of trouble creating a tight circle of friends.  I’ve met a lot of new people and have had a lot of fun however I find myself going to most shows alone.  I got flaked on again last night a new friend and I had planned to go to dinner and see a swing band but she got stuck working later than expected.  Tonight there’s another show and again no one to go with me.  My friends from when Dick and I were together are still partying away.  I hang out with some of them on occasion but it’s more of a meet up at a bar and run arround town saying hello to everyone situation.  I it makes me feel like I’m unlikable or too distant for people to embrace.  I can’t put my finger on it.  Maybe it’s not even me, maybe it’s them?

To further my trouble with connection I had slept with an old friend.  I haven’t seen him since highschool.  He is one of my close school mates big brothers and I always had a little crush on him.  When I first saw him at a bar we talked and went back to his place to smoke some weed.  He tried to kiss me that night and I told him no.  He was very polite about it.  A while later I was looking for someone to hang out with in my contacts list.  He lives just down the way from me and has a dog so I called him up and asked him if he wanted to walk our dogs together.  We smoked some weed and went for a short walk.  Afterwards he invited me to get dinner and go out to a movie.  I’m not a movie girl but I did want to keep hanging out so I took him up on dinner.  We had a few beers then decided to get some more beer and go back to his place.  We were chatting about this and that.  I got a little tipsy and was contemplating walking home.  He offered for me to stay on the couch or in the bed either way.  When I stood up he did as well.  That turned into a kiss, the kiss turned into an embrace, the embrace turned into making out on the bed….naked…and well it was fun.  I’m a light weight now so the smoke and beer had me all so sleepy.  I don’t remember much, I think I may have fallen asleep a little too soon, but I’m not sure.  In the morning I woke up and went to the bathroom.  I laid back down and he got on top of me and fucked me again.  I was just starting to enjoy myself when he pulled out and came on my stomach.  I laid with him for a few minutes before running home to get ready for work. 

I told Tom about it. He jacked off as I told him about my friend fucking me hard and telling me how good my wet pussy felt.  Tom encouraged me to go back and get satisfied.  I texted my friend that I had fun and we should try it again some time.  He sent back That was fun.  I hit him up a while later to see if he was up for a drink, he sent back that he was with his son.  I pass by his house daily on my way to and from work and one day I saw his dog staring at his front door I texted him, “Lucy wants in.” no response.  I gave up.  Felt yucky. Then one day out of the blue he calls me at nine in the morning.  Hey I have the day off what are you doing.  I don’t work untill late and he offers for me to come over and smoke.  I invite him out for coffee because I don’t smoke and work he says he’ll get dressed and meet me…an hour and a half go by he never shows or calls.  I call him as I’m driving to work and he says he fell back asleep.  That night my dad is watching my kids and decides to stay over so I text my friend how about you smoke me out to make up for flaking on me. He says sure when I give him a time frame let him know I’ll text him and when I do, nothing.  Never hear from him again.  It’s only been a week but fuck, I feel just yucky.

Now I’m over thinking it.  Is it because I fell asleep and wasn’t good in bed.  All I need is another chance that can be fixed.  Really my mind is set that it must be my weight.  I’ve talked before about needing to loose a few pounds well I did then gained them all back.  I just can’t seem to control my eating or get myself to exercise regularly and I feel disgusting.  I just want to ask him are you just a dick or do you not call me back because I’m fat.  Either way I’m not worried about it I just want to know.  Oh well I probably never will.  Tom was a little upset with me for trying to see him the night after he stood me up.  He would never stand anyone up so he was pretty disgusted that the other guy would stand up the girl he thinks is amazing and that I would put up with it.  He was still nice enough to comfort me. 

I’ve been stood up to go to a couple of festivals, concerts and dinner.  Not dates just hanging out with friends, but really?  I let Dick handle my social life for so long that I feel out of touch.  I never created my own close friendships because Dick was my constant companion.  Now I have to create my own bonds and I’m constantly questioning each interaction or noninteraction as the case may be.  I’m just going to stay positive and keep trying.

Checking in……

5 May

Well hi there!

Pardon my disappearance.  Work has gotten progressively more demanding and the life of a single mom doesn’t give much spare time.  I’m happy to say Dick is still out on his own.  He has no job and no income but has managed to find a girlfriend with steady work.  He is getting food stamps and is pursuing disability.  Though I’m better off without him the fact he’s now trying to file for disability is a kick in the teeth as he wouldn’t do it for our family.  He’s blown up the car I gave him and lives 30 minutes away so he doesn’t see the boys as often as they would like. 

My work has been a struggle.  My co workers go from catty to sweet minute by minute.  There are several government agencies looking into our industry and as a result we are changing all the time.  Our dealer customers are more and more demanding every day and will use anything to get what they want.  I want out but I’m not sure how to make this kind of money with these hours and flexibility so I’m feeling stuck.  As the sole provider even a small pay cut could be very challenging. 

My sweet Tom can’t wait to be here to help me.  He is trapped in his home town.  His ex-wife (not current wife) has decided to ask the courts to re-look at their child support agreement.  He has never missed an agreed upon payment and has gone above and beyond to provide for his daughter however the child support agreement has not been set up through the court system and years ago they worked out a verbal change.  She is reneging and it’s turning out to be costly.  He does have very low cost legal representation.  His attorney is his current wife’s cousin.  These two things have him laying low and waiting before making a move. 

He is coming to visit in a week and a half.  Next week is my youngest sons 4th birthday and in June my parents, the kids and I are taking a family trip to Disney land!  There’s a lot to look forward to and plan for.  I’m excited and exhausted.  However I miss posting.  Only time will tell if I can get back into the grove of my little life documentation project.

Missed you guys!

I hope I can work on catching up on all the blogs I’ve missed.  Hope you are well out there in the world.

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After work….

23 Oct

 Tom sat and watched what I do and chatted with me between deals.  We went to the older part of our downtown and strolled arround holding hands.  We chose a pub to have a bite and a couple of beers.  I told him about some of the local breweries that had offerings on tap. We stared at each other talking and stealing brief kisses as we enjoyed our pastry wrapped bangers and beer.  With a little tiny buzz we headed back to my house.  

It was later and my boys were in bed.  He introduced himself to my Dad and tried to strike up a conversation.  Dad was quicker than usual to leave.  I had hoped they would talk more but maybe Dad was just giving us time alone. 

Once alone we found ourselves in the bedroom quickly.  We made love and the aftermath included a couple of showers.  The timing of his visit and my visitor were bad.  After cleaning up we held each other tight until we could no longer keep our eyes open.  He set his alarm for about 4am so he could sneak out before the boys woke.  I love falling asleep with my head on his chest.  His arms wrapped arround me.  Waking together and kissing.  Making love before he had to leave.  Things were going very well and we were just getting started.  It was only Friday night (and early Saturday morning)  and he was staying in town until Monday morning.

Another great lunch with my love…..

23 Oct

He texts me and tells me to call him once I leave the building at 3pm. I spot his truck.  Sun visor in the window and he has it running with the air on.  He tells me I am to enter the truck from the rear passenger side.  Take off his pants and suck his cock.  I will do as he wishes untill 3:33 and only address him as Daddy. 

I do as I’m told.  I almost go to kiss him but I redirect my eyes to his belt.  Undoing the belt, then button.  He helps me by lifting himself off of the seat to pull away his clothes.  Once he is naked I bend over and take him into my mouth.  Sucking and licking him lightly at first then taking a firm grip of his hard cock and stroking it as I suck and lick harder.  One hand playing with his balls while I stroke his cock faster and faster with the other.  I slow down to look into his eyes and see the look of pleasure on his face.  He enjoys my efforts for a while before having me get on my knees in the back seat. 

His fingers enter me and he’s working them in and out.  Rubbing my clit gently at first.  Then he stops.  There is a minute where I don’t know what he’s doing and then something rounded hard and cool enters my waiting pussy.  He starts to fuck me with this rigid toy.  The lube is warm and feels good.  His fingers find their way to my arse.  He starts to work that tight hole a little at a time.  My ass in the air, I’m moaning as he’s working me hard both with the toy and two fingers.  I can feel it starting to rise in me.  I’m moaning and cumming loud.  I can feel my body clenching on the toy as my pussy squeezes it with my long intense orgasm.  When I’m spent he takes his fingers back and then goes to remove the toy and due to my clenched muscles it was harder to get out than expected.  Then shoves his cock inside my wet swollen pussy and fucks me hard.  Giving me every inch of his cock.  It feels so amazing.  I’m so happy giving myself to him.  Telling him fuck me harder Daddy.

When he’s done using me he instructs me to sit down and he holds me and kisses me tenderly.  Stroking my body, telling me how amazing it was for him.  Music is playing, we can’t stay away from each other.  Touching while we look into each others eyes while we talk, kissing between sentences.  He shows me the toy, the surprise he brought for me.  It’s a deep indigo glass dildo.  It has three glass bubbles on the handle.  The shaft curves up sharply to hit the G-spot and at the end is a glass ball.  It was a great gift.  He said he will use it on me again and then will leave it behind for me to play with while he’s gone again.

Our time was up.  I straightened up and hopped out of the truck.  My legs were weak.  The sun was bright.  I walked back into my office to finish the day of work.  Once my office cleared out Tom would join me and chat with me while I finished the late shift.  From there we would go out and get a bite and a beer.

The arrival…..

1 Oct

I had the best weekend I can remember.  Tom is now driving back to his state.  A ten hour drive, 653 miles he will drive it in one shot.  Just like he did when he came to see me.  He left work early Thursday.  He loaded up his truck with the things he would need to help me and stopped by to say good bye to his wife before leaving town.  I talked with him on my lunch break until he lost signal. 

He said he should make it to town between midnight and one am.  When I got home I got busy.  Mopping, tidying up, getting the patio ready…I was getting things close to how I wanted them to be when my love arrived.  At 11 o’clock was just taking a break to prepare myself for his arrival a little orgasm to take the edge off my nerves and freshen up some.  

My phone had frozen up so I turned it off and pant’s off in my bedroom I turned it back on.  This new phone boots up quick.  Instantly I see I have a picture message.  It’s my house numbers.  I call him.  Stuttering ,”How did you get here so fast? oh my god I’m not ready.”.  I’m putting on pants as I’m walking to the door.  I let my dogs out first so they don’t wake the children as they get to know him. 

They seem unphased by him.  I grab him seconds after they sniff him and we hold each other tight kissing passionately.  I take him into the house.  I can’t remember if I gave him a tour.  I know we ended up in the bedroom.  I had not yet made the bed.  It didn’t matter we locked the door and kissed like teenagers.  So happy to be together again.  I started to undo his belt, his pants…he stood up and took them off.  I took off everything.  We pressed against each other savoring the skin to skin contact we’d been longing for.  I slid down and started to lick him and kiss him.  Finally taking him into my mouth giving him a very attentive blow job.  I’m paying attention to the details.  Caressing his balls as I suck him deeply, creating a rhythm with my hand and mouth.  Keeping as much suction as I can.  Taking him deep and cramming his cock against the back of my throat.  Letting him trust up as much as he would like into my waiting mouth while he grips a fist full of my hair.  I’m so wet.  I hear what I’ve been waiting for the change in his breathing.  He says,” Oh, fuck yeah baby I’m cumming. I’m cumming.”. I feel him starting to ease off thrusting and then my mouth is filled with his seed.  I suck and lick and keep him moaning for as long as I can.  He never gets soft.  He’s still ready to fuck me. 

I lay next to him and I feel euphoric too.  We are both just enjoying the afterglow of an amazing blow job.  It’s the first time he’s cum in my mouth from head alone and I’m loving it.  He is still hard.  I am still horny.  After a little rest we’re kissing and touching again.  He’s rubbing my pussy and I’m so wet.  His fingers feel amazing.  He gets between my legs and starts rubbing me with the head of his cock.  He’s driving me madd and then he suddenly slides into me all the way making me gasp.  He’s fucking me slowly and deep.  It feels amazing.  Something I’ve been waiting for so long.  The rhythm gets faster, my legs are up on his shoulders and I’m squeezing my thighs together and he’s getting that look.  I swear I feel his cock swell before he says he’s cumming again.  When he’s to the point he can no longer thrust I use my legs to pull up against his dick.  The pressure causing him to moan each time I pull up.  We lay together for a short while before showering up and dressing again.

Since the boys are home he cannot stay with me.  We cuddle for a few minutes but he is sleepy from the 10 hour drive to my home.  His hotel will not be ready until the next day at 2pm so I give him a blanket and a pillow and he says he will sleep in his truck.  He will stay by my office so I can see  him before work and at lunch.  I’ll be working late the next day and he has plans for us.  I see him out and go to sleep so excited for tomorrow.

(Un)reasonable doubt……

19 Sep

This feels weird to write but it’s how I feel. My love, this wonderful man who loves me dearly and is going to move 700 miles to date me I am feeling unsure about our future. It might just be due to the turmoil I’m going through. I look forward to the fun we will have, the experiences we will share and the life we can build together with both of us working hard. Something in me is loosing the enthusiasm I once had. It might just be my own lack of confidence. Things have changed, some days I’m not sure if I’m wanting to talk.  Some times I feel pulled away from cleaning and days where I’m with my family and I don’t talk to him I get the feeling he is getting upset because I’m not making time for him.  However that might just be in my head from how I was trained to be with Dick.

He is starting to make little moves in his own life towards leaving his wife, his state and his job.  Cleaning out old things, paying off debt, having talks with his wife.  It is making it all more real.  We talked that we would date.  That I should date other men and he should date women.  His dating he has put into the less important category because he has been single as an adult he has dated and he says he knows what he wants and that is me.  Where I have no real experience, I need to squelch any what if’s and see if there is a better match.  I worry what if there is or worse what if there is a superficial match and I don’t see the douche in them.  Above all what if he changes his whole life to be with me and it doesn’t happen. 

Tom went on a romantic get away with his wife.  It was more of an attempt to see if there was a spark as they both have talked about feeling like good friends not husband and wife.  He said that they did do a bit of kissing at the start but there was virtually nothing else.  She didn’t try to cuddle up to him, hold his hand or initiate anything sexual.  It was her time of the month but there are other ways to be intimate with your husband and he said there was not so much as a hand in his lap.  He called me most of the trip.  Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.  I was cleaning one night with my Dad and was not near my phone and he called maybe three times and by the last call he sounded pretty disappointed that I had not answered.  I am even feeling that he’s needing much more attention than he has ever required even outside of this trip.  That is probably normal and the effects of the risks and changes he is taking. 

I wonder if all this stems from me starting a relationship at the wrong time.  He could really be what I’ve thought for the last year or so…..the best thing that ever happened to me.  I still wonder if my attachment came from having such a horrible situation.  Or maybe that I’m afraid of loneliness and not finding anyone else.  We are very different but a lot of the same.  With that said he is very different from Dick.  There will be no crazy tweekers, no douchey idiots that we hang out with and party, no doing coke together and he probably will not get along with a lot of the acquaintances that I probably need to get rid of anyway.  Those things are kinda scary.

These feelings come and go.  In fact since I started writing this Monday they have gone away again and I’m super excited to see him and eventually date him and possibly live the rest of my life with him.  I hope this is all normal and not just a away that my subconscious is warning me.  Only time will tell.  After I get a new life in order with Dick as a co-parent instead of someone I have to worry about every interaction I think things will start to level off.