Tag Archives: mental-health


7 Sep

It’s been just about a year since Dick and I separated.  Tom is still 700 miles away but not for long.  I’m still having a bit of trouble creating a tight circle of friends.  I’ve met a lot of new people and have had a lot of fun however I find myself going to most shows alone.  I got flaked on again last night a new friend and I had planned to go to dinner and see a swing band but she got stuck working later than expected.  Tonight there’s another show and again no one to go with me.  My friends from when Dick and I were together are still partying away.  I hang out with some of them on occasion but it’s more of a meet up at a bar and run arround town saying hello to everyone situation.  I it makes me feel like I’m unlikable or too distant for people to embrace.  I can’t put my finger on it.  Maybe it’s not even me, maybe it’s them?

To further my trouble with connection I had slept with an old friend.  I haven’t seen him since highschool.  He is one of my close school mates big brothers and I always had a little crush on him.  When I first saw him at a bar we talked and went back to his place to smoke some weed.  He tried to kiss me that night and I told him no.  He was very polite about it.  A while later I was looking for someone to hang out with in my contacts list.  He lives just down the way from me and has a dog so I called him up and asked him if he wanted to walk our dogs together.  We smoked some weed and went for a short walk.  Afterwards he invited me to get dinner and go out to a movie.  I’m not a movie girl but I did want to keep hanging out so I took him up on dinner.  We had a few beers then decided to get some more beer and go back to his place.  We were chatting about this and that.  I got a little tipsy and was contemplating walking home.  He offered for me to stay on the couch or in the bed either way.  When I stood up he did as well.  That turned into a kiss, the kiss turned into an embrace, the embrace turned into making out on the bed….naked…and well it was fun.  I’m a light weight now so the smoke and beer had me all so sleepy.  I don’t remember much, I think I may have fallen asleep a little too soon, but I’m not sure.  In the morning I woke up and went to the bathroom.  I laid back down and he got on top of me and fucked me again.  I was just starting to enjoy myself when he pulled out and came on my stomach.  I laid with him for a few minutes before running home to get ready for work. 

I told Tom about it. He jacked off as I told him about my friend fucking me hard and telling me how good my wet pussy felt.  Tom encouraged me to go back and get satisfied.  I texted my friend that I had fun and we should try it again some time.  He sent back That was fun.  I hit him up a while later to see if he was up for a drink, he sent back that he was with his son.  I pass by his house daily on my way to and from work and one day I saw his dog staring at his front door I texted him, “Lucy wants in.” no response.  I gave up.  Felt yucky. Then one day out of the blue he calls me at nine in the morning.  Hey I have the day off what are you doing.  I don’t work untill late and he offers for me to come over and smoke.  I invite him out for coffee because I don’t smoke and work he says he’ll get dressed and meet me…an hour and a half go by he never shows or calls.  I call him as I’m driving to work and he says he fell back asleep.  That night my dad is watching my kids and decides to stay over so I text my friend how about you smoke me out to make up for flaking on me. He says sure when I give him a time frame let him know I’ll text him and when I do, nothing.  Never hear from him again.  It’s only been a week but fuck, I feel just yucky.

Now I’m over thinking it.  Is it because I fell asleep and wasn’t good in bed.  All I need is another chance that can be fixed.  Really my mind is set that it must be my weight.  I’ve talked before about needing to loose a few pounds well I did then gained them all back.  I just can’t seem to control my eating or get myself to exercise regularly and I feel disgusting.  I just want to ask him are you just a dick or do you not call me back because I’m fat.  Either way I’m not worried about it I just want to know.  Oh well I probably never will.  Tom was a little upset with me for trying to see him the night after he stood me up.  He would never stand anyone up so he was pretty disgusted that the other guy would stand up the girl he thinks is amazing and that I would put up with it.  He was still nice enough to comfort me. 

I’ve been stood up to go to a couple of festivals, concerts and dinner.  Not dates just hanging out with friends, but really?  I let Dick handle my social life for so long that I feel out of touch.  I never created my own close friendships because Dick was my constant companion.  Now I have to create my own bonds and I’m constantly questioning each interaction or noninteraction as the case may be.  I’m just going to stay positive and keep trying.

Round and round I go…..

15 Mar

My fiancé has to go to pain management sessions to keep receiving pain killers and of course to try to help him with his pain levels.  They have him talk to a councilor and when he relayed the session to me it was sad.  He was asked if the pain was effecting his relationship with me, of course he said yes.  Asked if he had any support, family near by, friends he can depend on.  He said no.  They asked if he thought his being a home maker was womans work and he says yes and adds that he loves his boys and is very happy to be with his kids.  They ask if there are any plans for separation and he tells them no and I say there’s no place for you to go anyway ( I know total bitch move ).

  He’s telling me all this and looking so sad.  He says how I don’t want to touch him, how he knows I don’t like him because I hardly look at him.  All I can do is look down at the bed and nod a little.  I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to put blame on him now.  Right now he is sad, pitiful and lost.  Honestly so am I.

My analytical side says things will never change.  He’ll always slide back to being the overbearing user that he has been all these years.  That we’ll always struggle and be at odds.  My heart had planned that we would be together forever.  My future was to have my family together, no sharing of holidays and weekends, I would grow old with someone I know and who knows me inside and out.  Who remembers me young and full of adventure.  Now that I’ve bonded to myself to him for life with our boys it makes it so much harder.

My cold heartless side says if I break things off and I kick him out he’ll get the disability and he’ll get the settlement he’s been working on from the injury and be up $50k while I’m still struggling.  He has mentioned getting these moneys and taking our family on a vacation and buying reliable cars.  He knows how this is killing me, that I work my ass off and feel guilty spending $20 on myself.  How I’m embarrassed to see my clients in my busted up car. 

Round in circles I go.  I do have an angel helping me take a look at my life to see where things have left me off kilter.  We talk when we can and honestly I think I might be to set in my ways to take her advice but I’m willing to listen and I won’t forget.  I may not do the right thing right away but at least I’ll have the knowledge for when it’s time.  I’m tired of being under the little black rain cloud.