Archive | July, 2012

The first night in his domain….

31 Jul

The bands were good.  Someone skated the half pipe and fell a few times but didn’t get hurt.  They had 22s of my favorite beer.  I met a nice girl that works at a clothing consignment and second hand store.  Met some of the friends he has told me about.  Hung out with the preggo gal and her friends.  Tom chatted with some people away from me.  It was a different dynamic than I am used to.  The freedom not to be by my date’s side and not having to worry about how it will effect my night if I’m not shadowing him all the time. 

I smoked that night.  I bummed a cig the first time I smoked.  The next time I asked a fella and one of the girls I’d been talking to said, “You asked the wrong dude.  He’s the biggest bum.”  So being playful I asked him to bum a cig for me.  He did and we all chatted.  He is a funny little guy a drummer from a band and had a tattoo of a drumming panda on his arm.  We went in for a while and enjoyed the band.  They sounded great.  The energy in the room was awesome.  After a while we went back outside.  I talked with my drummer friend and Tom chatted with the girls.  The drummer guy’s buddy a singer for one of the bands they are in together came over. 

This is a punk show.  I’m not very punk. I’m more of a rock-a-billy, metal, Cali girl combo.  They started talking about my outfit.  I’m wearing a black Lucky 13 tank top with a little green loose knitted sweater and a pair of slightly baggy wide leg torn up washed out light blue jeans.  I’m from California so I’m wearing flip flops, simple black.  I’ve got black hair, betty bangs, red lips, cat eyes and little plugs.  They start in about my pants and shoes.  I should be wearing tight black jeans worn in, some chucks and not a brand name tank.  I’m teasing them back that I look good and they look like shit.  They start saying from here up beautiful, hand slicing me at my waist, from here down needs work.  They spin me arround, but you have a nice ass, front side great boobs. Here let me take off that sweater he says, it was hooked with a safety pin behind the button so he bit it off.  He’s clearly drunk but he’s funny and I’m teasing him.  Out of nowhere Tom comes through the guys and grabs me right at the sides of my boobs and guides me through those two and back to his truck.

I’m giggling the whole way.  Tom said he was done with the show.  He wanted to get me alone.  We make out in the car for a bit.  Those arousal pills were making me feel even more ready than I thought.  We’re touching and kissing on the drive home.  He grabs some towels and we head for the hot tub.  The night sky is beautiful.  We get in nude and start kissing.  I don’t know if it’s the pills or the night or the excitement to be with him again but it’s AMAZING.  I’m riding him as we’re kissing, half floating away and pulling myself back down hard.  Grinding, getting chills and tingles. 

He takes me upstairs and we’re fucking every which way.  Licking and sucking.  Touching and pushing.  He starts to play with my ass and I return the favor.  I decide to let him try again.  I have him get the lube and we go slow.  I talk him through it.  Oh, my it was hard.  He is very thick and it took more work than I thought to get him inside of me.  It was amazing but still surprising.  Once he felt comfortable he started to thrust harder.  I had to direct him to slow down.  This seems to be something I do when I’m tipsy so I threw caution to the wind and let him go back to fucking my pussy where he could thrust hard.  After a bit more fun he let me know he was cumming and I took him into my mouth.  I worked every last bit out of him as he moaned and his body shuddered against me.  He held me breathlessly and told me how wonderful it felt.  I told him how much I love him and that it was perfect for me too.  I was happy to be his first.  We fell asleep easily in each others arms.

Reunited and it feels so good….

30 Jul

I fly out at 6am.  I had to get up at 3am to make it on time to the airport.  Tom is not able to take the week off so he is adjusting his schedule to spend the most time with me possible while I’m with him and went in to work at 3am himself.  I arrive at the airport no make up and a weird combination of sleepy and wired.  The first flight I sleep.  I do my makeup during the layover and sleep some more on the next flight.  Touching down in his town I’m freaking jazzed!  I text him to let him know I’ve landed a bit late.  When I get off the plane I’m hightailing it to the outside looking for his truck.  His last text to me was that his phone was dying.  I’m standing outside looking for him and nothing. 

He’s never late so this is weird.  It’s a two story situation and I think maybe he’s upstairs so I go back in and then up.  Staring hard out the windows looking for his vehicle.  Suddenly my ass is slapped hard and he slows down his run, stops and looks at me.  I can’t remember if I grabbed him or he grabbed me but we hugged each other hard and kissed deeply and long.  Holding hands walking to his truck.  Making out when we got in. Making out at every light.  He asked do I want to go eat or do I want to go home.  I chose home.  Food could wait, I’ve been wanting him for long.

I didn’t take “the tour” when I got into his house.  We went directly upstairs and undressed quickly.  Holding each other naked.  Kissing and rubbing.  Making love.  The best reunion yet.   He had purchased a simple vibe for us to play with, but when he started to use it I asked that he stop.  I just wanted to enjoy him nothing else right now. It was so easy and fun being with him. We lay in each others arms once we got tired and just enjoyed being close. 

Finlay hunger got the best of us and we tried a new place to eat.  We had to be a bit careful in his town so once he saw the coast was clear we were holding hands and kissing again.  Sharing tastes of our food and all the sweet things that couples do.  He then had plans for us a friend works at an Adam and Eve store.  She showed us arround some.  We talked about and touched the toys.  Fooled arround with the paddles and floggers.  Giggled at the movies.  At the counter we discussed supplements.  We ended up taking home a little cock ring vibe, some Dickalicious raspberry flavor, some stimulant pills and an interesting potion was said to make you feel kinda like you’re on Extacy.  We drove home and took one of the pills.  Fooled arround some more and I dozed off in his arms. 

The band that had brought us together was playing that night.  I was excited to see the show and I think he was excited to be out with me.  We would have to be careful not to touch each other too much and no kissing.  When we got there it was a cute little venue.  Dark, video game machines, a little half pipe, cool art over the little stage and a simple bar with a few tables.  The crowd matched perfectly.  I quickly saw the guys from the band and said hi and started chatting them up.  I got a little tipsy and took another pill when Tom asked if we should. The gal that sold them to us recommended two.

A new little twist….

30 Jul

Life has a way of keeping you on your toes. I just got back from a week long visit with Tom and I have a lot of writing I want to do. Before I left my manager was on vacation so I has to run the branch.  My leadership group organised a fun filled week of games for the office that I had to prep for and was gone during the game week itself.  I cleaned the house before I left with the exception of putting all the laundry away (folded it though), changed the oil on my car and paid the first of many months of my Dad’s space rent.  On top of that my big little guy turned five and we had an Aquabats Pool party for him at my Mom’s.

Before I left for my trip I also had a surprise visitor one night while Dick was out “working”.  My neighbor Olaf from the Netherlands.  He brought over half a bottle of Sailor Jerry rum and we drank and talked.  He knows Dick’s side of the story but has not yet heard mine.  He told me he sees Dick as a loving attentive father when he is with him and the boys.  I let him know about the other stuff.  The house work, money problems, the way he’ll demean me and not discuss things.  Olaf told me he sees that from Dick too.  That the way my house is kept and my cars are left dirty is appalling with a stay at home Dad at home.  That Olaf’s pride in his work as a stay at home Dad would not let him leave that burden to his wife and that he’s told Dick he should do better.

We talked about his first marriage.  It towards the end was an open marriage.  Her anorexia and lack of energy that resulted combined with his burn out from over working took the marriage down.  They are still the best of friends.  He was even to be the best man in her wedding but couldn’t attend due to the birth of his son.  He told me about his father a musician and masseuse.  At some point he offered to rub my feet.  He was very good and he started to tell me about how he has a crush on me.  From the moment he saw me he was enchanted by me.  That I do deserve better and he hopes Dick can grow and become what I need.  We also talked about his D/s interests, that he’s taken classes on knots and how to restrain.  He told me about his fantasies about taking his flogger to my backside and having me bound waiting for his desires.  Stories about the sex clubs he’s visited.  Nude plays and on line BDSM.  I let him know some about my interest too.  The night flew by and before I knew it he had hopped up to go home.

He started to text me more.  He asked we meet in the night and we did.  Continuing the conversation and giving in to our curiosity and kissing.  His soft lips and hungry mouth were just as I expected.  He seems to exude sexuality.  His hands caressed my breasts as I squeezed his ass.  We discussed that this must not become an affair.  I let him know I would not step beyond his lead.  He has a wife and young child that as far as I know he has no intention of leaving.  I was interested him for good company and some fun. A FWB situation.  I told him about Tom.  That I love Tom and we are trying to tell if in a few years this might be something that would work in the real world.  He understood.

I also discussed this with Tom.  He seemed concerned and I sensed some trepidation in his voice as he talked about it with me.  He worried about Dick finding out.  Olaf’s wife finding out.  He also seemed concerned that I was considering sex but wasn’t planning on having him tested.  I let him know I also planned on protection.  I’m not sure where this will go but I am interested and also concerned about Tom’s heart.  It’s an interesting twist.  One I’d almost ruled out.  It will also help the discussion with Tom about my dating and if we have a future together keeping our relationship open enough to experience other people both together and separately.

Gulit is wierd…..

17 Jul

The other night Dick went to work for a friend.  Not really work more like hanging out with a bunch of tattooed tweekers taking pictures of stuff that he’ll never sell.  He was gone for most of the night is my point.  I made dinner and played with the boys.  My little one fell asleep in my arms durring dinner.  After a few go rounds I got them into bed and then little guy asked for Daddy.  I let him know Daddy is working and will come home while he’s sleeping.  He kept saying Daddy’s taking too long, that maybe Daddy’s lost or ran out of gas.  He started to cry.  He cried for a good hour in my arms asking for Daddy between his sobs.  I held him and let him know that his Daddy and I love him very much and neither of us would leave him.  My heart sank wondering how many times this will happen after Dick is gone.  Depending on how far he goes when will it stop happening?  They have such a good bond I don’t want them to loose that nor do I want them to be in pain. 

I found myself asleep with my little guy in his racecar bed.  I crept out and called Tom.  He had just left the bar.  He told a good friend, the lead singer of the band that brought us together that he has a plan to leave his wife.  Hearing that he told Randy (let’s call him that, K?) was both exciting and a little scary.  I want him to be happy and I do worry.  Am I making him lean more one way.  Would he have tried harder with his wife if I was not in the picture?  Would it work for them if it was all laid out there?  I feel like he will read this and tell me that it was going to happen with me or without me but I still have to wonder. 

Speaking of my bad behavior Tom has posted some songs for me on Facebook.  It’s so sweet.  One night as I’m trying to get my kids to bed so I could talk to him he posted Go the Fuck to Sleep.  Then he posted the song Innocent When You Dream.  The next song was, I Hope I Don’t Fall In Love With You.  I love that song and so does his wife.  Ah!  She had liked all the other songs but this one she posted, “I love that song.”.  The guilt hit, she’s thinking he’s thinking of her posting these sweet songs of love and longing.  He’s sending them to me. He’s floating farther away and my guess is she’s thinking he is as to her close as ever.  Why Facebook would make me feel this way I have no idea. 

To further confuse my unusual feelings of guilt I don’t feel guilty about the possibly of being with him in their home in two weeks.  I have asked Dick if he would be OK with me going away for work for a week and let my boss know I intend to take that week off.  Tom is cleaning the house.  Making plans.  We’re dreaming of being together but it doesn’t give me that pang of guilt that those songs did.  Maybe it’s because there is a huge chance she’ll never know I’ve been in their home but I know she saw the songs and I know how it feels to have a romantic song posted by my lover.  My co-worker calls me a sociopath.  Maybe I’m a sociopath lite

Not a very intresting read….

6 Jul

Part of my finding out if Tom and I can work is knowing what I want.  Being able to relay this to him and seeing if our wants, needs and desires match up.  I might be refining this list as I grow and I think of new things but here is a go of what I think I want from my life.

I’d like someone to explore new places and things with and the freedom to go on my own without feeling guilty if my partner is not interested.

I want to be more active and someone to do it with me.  Long bike rides, hikes, some lite climbing maybe kayaking or canoeing.

I’m looking to be more organized and have someone who values things having their places even if they don’t make it back to their homes right away. 

I want to have a bigger home.  I would like a home with character and would prefer to either live downtown or in a more rural area.  The suburbs are frankly bland.  I either want to be able to walk right down into the middle of the action or be out far away where it’s beautiful.  Kinda weird but so am I.

I’d like to have a reliable family car preferably with the capacity to seat eight but reliable is the first step.  One day I’d like to have a hot rod to work on and show my boys the beauty of American muscle.  Learn to ride a motorcycle…dirt or street I don’t care but I want to ride.

I don’t want to be the only person responsible for responsiblity.  I’d like a second mind playing into big decisions.  Possibly finding things I’ve missed.  Pushing me to do a little better when needed.

Someone who has some drive, integrity and is a good role model for my boys.  An optimist with a can do attitude.  My Dad really is very mechanically inclined and with his help I feel like I can take on a lot.  Often with him right beside me but over time I belive I’ll be more sure of myself.  I want someone to help instill that in my boys as well.

Someone who is aware of how their actions and words affect others.  Care if they are causing undue harm to another person.  Someone who doesn’t take from others without giving genuine thanks.  Knows there is a limit and that a good deed should be returned in one way or another. 

I want equal rights in my own home.  A partner that supports my need to have a life too.  That work and home are not all there is for me.  Someone I can feel comfortable taking to my events at work.

I’d like to be able to talk to someone about a disagreement not finger point, call names and yell.  Someone able to put themselves in my shoes and look at it from the other side before making a judgement.  Even if I’m straight up wrong to try to see why I’m feeling this way and talk out a resolution.  Someone calm enough for me to do the same for them. 

I want to create family traditions. I want to bring my family and friends together at my home.  I want to be trusted and respected by my children’s friends parents.  I want my boys to feel comfortable bringing their friends to our home.  I want them to feel safe and loved.  I want them to see first hand how a man should treat a woman.  How a family supports each other for a common goal. 

I need to create my own circle of friends.  Have someone to take on a girls weekend to Vegas or Reno without jealously.  Maybe a book club, maybe just someone to go to a dance club with. 

It seems like I’ve got a whole lot of I want’s here but this will be something I look back on and see what’s changing what needs to be added or is not as important as I had though. 

Feel free to comment with anything I might have left off the list. 🙂

 Is it just me or is this list pretty simple stuff?

Timing is everything….

5 Jul

I have a window of time that calls to me, taunts me, the possibility drives me crazy.  Tom has an empty house at the end of this month and has invited me to join him.  I want it more that I can describe.  To be with him in the morning.  Cooking together, sitting together on the patio, seeing where he lives and snuggling at night.  Maybe even going out on his boat.  Since our AFF profile is in his town we’d even have a chance at a few dates.  So much to want and look forward to, if I can just make it there.

The situation with Dick (we’re calling my ex Dick now) has me frozen.  I worry that I might need to take a week off to get my child care situation in order if he blows out with out notice.  He gets so mad when I leave town.  Lying to him again to have free time to spend with my love makes me feel so guilty. 

If I can make this trip it might also help us see each other in a more realistic light.  No hotels, no far away places.  A house in a neighborhood, him going to work, us working together in the kitchen.  Maybe I’ll even mow his lawn…topless and in heels….kidding only kidding. 

I hope this daydream can become real.  I’ve got a few weeks to get up the courage to put the pieces I need together to leave.  I’m just having trouble picking another lie.  Facing the uncertainty.  Times ticking and I’m just out in the breeze unable to pick a direction.

Getting to know each other in a whole new way….

4 Jul

When we got home from camping we went to my Mom’s house for a BBQ and some swimming.  We got home late and I got the kids down rather quickly.  Since our dogs had been cooped up that was the perfect excuse to get out of the house so I could call Tom.

We talked for two hours.  It was a lot.  He sounded so concerned and serious.  At times even nervous and on edge.  With all that I could hear the love in his voice too.  I voiced my concern about the seemly sudden change in him and asked him why.  Tom told me he had felt that way for a long time now.  That he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to influence my situation with my now ex-fiance. 

He let me know that his wife is a very good girl.  He loves her for it, but their love is turning into more of a friendship.  That he wants more in a marriage to be truly happy on all levels.  The thought of hurting her kills him but with me or without me he needs to move on. Spontaneity was one of the things he mentioned enjoying with me that he doesn’t have at home. He told me that since we’d met he and his wife had only made love two times.  I asked him if he’d talked to her about it? Can they work it out?   He was resolute in telling me that it is just her way and he doesn’t want her to change who she is to be what he needs.  My heart sank a little for the both of them but I do understand. 

We talked about getting to know each other.  He didn’t know my middle name and I had forgotten his.  Both of us intend to find the right person to spend the rest of our lives with and we needed to be sure before any big steps were taken.  Now don’t get all excited that we are running away together next week.  We both have a lot on our plates.  His father lives with him and he won’t want to move.  He must finish caring for his Dad before he can consider moving to California.  I will have to get an arrangement set with my ex and honestly need to be a grown up on my own.  To come into my own before we decide to start a life together.  I do want to go on a few dates.  That may seem odd from what you’ve read about my love for Tom, but I feel like if I don’t explore the adult dating world I might have that what if in the back of my head if I didn’t at least see what it’s like.  He also would go on dates too. 

Our next few conversations would go like this.  I would read into his voice a seriousness and a certain amount of apprehension or concern that seemed very different to me.  I was worried and felt very bad that maybe reading all those 180 and posts in less than a week was tweaking his brain.  In those first few talks I almost felt he was sizing up the chances for us to work.  Looking for my definitive answer.  Worried that it could be a no.

  On my part I felt a strange urgency to give myself to him to let him know everything I could about me.  How I am from day to day.  What can I let him know to show my flaws or things that might rub him the wrong way?  How horrible my ex might be and how I’ll probably be financially stretched taking care of the boys with most likely no help from their father.  No amount of words can really let us know what it will be like living with the other person.  Our intention is to try to learn as much as possible until we can spend more time together.  Taking things one step at a time over the next few years to see if this is going to work in real life.

Tom’s beautiful words….

4 Jul

When I got back to civilization I got a long series of texts that had been sent while I was out of range.  I intended to summarize them but I’m not sure how so I will just share what he sent:

I feel that I love you more
Not sure if it was your words or that they made me question some things
You can tell me you love me and I believe it. But when you describe how you feel about me to strangers, I get a deeper understanding of it.
I wonder if I was to do that, would you understand more? Could I put down in word how I love you?
A few posts back you did say some things that stung but was the truth.
I’m not sure why I cheat. I like the attention more than any sex.
But there’s something different about how you made me feel.
When we started talking and flirting was the turning point.
On several occasions I was with a girl and stopped at for play like I did with you.
And each time that was the last we saw of each other. That’s perfect, I think I got what I was after. Proof that I could have gone further.
After you left I was sure we would never talk again. I knew you were upset with me for stopping short. but when you sent me the first pic I was confused.
Why are you talking to me? This is the part where you cuss me out, not try to talk.
The more we talked the more I was confused by you. Dont get me wrong, I fucking loved it, but why are you, such a beautiful woman, talking to me?
As time went on I felt more comfortable thinking that you liked me.
I’ve never told someone else the things I’ve told you. Normally half that info would sent them running
But you stayed
I guess what I’m trying to get across is that you are a huge part of my life now. I think about you and I all the time.
In my head I imagine us on drives to cool out of the way places. And yes your kids are there. I think about the smile on our faces as we go to sleep each night

I’ll stop rambling
I do feel differently about you. A stronger feeling of love and want than I’ve ever had for anyone.
Fuck! I can’t stop checking this!!
K, 8pm. Just ate. I’m so distant tonight. I’m trying to avoid checking my phone but it’s not working
When shes talking about projects around the house next year, my mind is screaming to say I want to be gone by then… But I can’t. I sit with a fake smile and keep thinking of holding you
Looks like you’ll get these Sunday
Second coat of stain is on the fence. Picked up the boat yesterday. Gonna get it cleaned up and ready for the water.
When I’m thinking about taking it out, I always picture you with me on it.
The more I think about the future the more I keep thinking of us. I’ve been thinking a lot about this today. I think we should try to see where this could go. See each other every chance and make sure we’re what the other really wants.
Talk more seriously about things

When I saw these words I was excited, amazed, scared and felt so loved.  I wanted to call him right away but I was still an hour away from home.  Driving with my ex and the boys.  My mind racing trying to look casual as I stared into my phone.  Texting when I could. 

 It seemed he was feeling similar to how I felt in those early months.  The feelings that I tried so hard to re-route into something less urgent.  To subdue the longing for him in my everyday life.  I was worried that maybe that getting all this info at once was the reason for the seemingly sudden change in Tom.  Just a few weeks ago he told me when his friend asked about “us” he told him we would be long time long distance lovers.  That I was not leaving California and he is not leaving his state. 

I couldn’t wait to talk to him but it would be a while before I could.  I was waiting on pins and needles to find out more.  I think he was too.

Sharing is caring….

3 Jul

This may come out wrong and it’s a whole surprise situation that is still very much in process.  If you’ve been reading you’ve seen my interest peaked in the whole D/s scene.  I found a friend who would be interested in toping me.  I trust him.  He is a blogger and his stories of taking his sub have gotten me wet more than once.  Tom knows this, I have spared him the details giving him as much info as it seemed to me he was comfortable with at any one time.  This person also gives me encouragement, advice and I also listen to him.  He’s also in a rough spot right now.  I value his friendship and his perspective. 

Tom even though open and very accepting of me seems over the phone to be raising an eyebrow at this.  Has even voiced a bit of uncomfortableness that this friend has the potential to give me things that Tom doesn’t feel like he can.  He could very well be quite wrong but it’s nothing I’ve explored and also nothing I intended to take.  Really, I was only looking to take a beating from my friend.  I thought maybe if he understood my friend more it would be easier for him to accept. 

I shared with him a conversation that my friend and I had about my feeling selfish in calling off my relationship.  He really encouraged me and pointed out what I was glossing over.  Then he let me know I could share his blog with Tom.  I did e-email Tom a link to a post I liked on my friends blog.  I was going out of town so we weren’t talking much right then.  I saw a text from Tom he said I’m reading some of your posts.  I’ve always told him if he wants to see my blog just ask.  I’ve sent him a few posts and even given enough info to find it should he want to look and welcomed him to do so.  He texted that he was loving the story of us.  I knew that things were going to change in the blog.  I felt like most of the things I’ve written I’ve said to him in one way or another.  Even so reading it is different.  The words there for you to re-read.  To ponder.  I started to get nervous and re-read my posts to be ready for what he might question, feel bad about or even make him excited.


Damage plan….

3 Jul

My poor ex he’s so lost, sad and want’s to make me love him.  I’ve wanted things to be good between us, still letting him know that I don’t see a future for us as a couple.  Still he has not reapplied for disability, still no job applications.  There has been work arround the house.  He’s nice as pie to me and has been put on Prozac.  I think in my efforts to keep things normal and be kind I’ve messed with his head a little.

Father’s day we had a wonderful time with my Dad, brother and of course our boys.  He told me how nice a time he had with me. With my Dad who is like a father to him.  His birthday a few days later, I made sure he had what he needed to take the boys out to the beach and buy stuff for a picnic.  That night we went out to a nice Thai restaurant where the boys were angels and the dinner was amazing.  Again he told me what a nice time he had with me.  Then camping with some friends we’ve known for over 10 years.  It was a lot of fun.  I know after I went to bed they pushed him to find work.  Take good care of me.  Let me be the conductor and follow what I ask.  They even gave me the plea to try to make it work, that we’re such a great couple and they always think of us together.  They’ve been through a lot too. 

It looks like my ex will be with us until at least the end of the month.  His plan is to leave for Florida and then return to my house and try to find work and a place to live.  I don’t like this idea.  I would like him to start looking now or when he comes back to the California to stay with someone else.  When I brought this up it brought him to tears.  Telling me how he has nothing and is nothing before leaving the room to be by himself.  His pain breaks my heart, I want things to be easier for him, I want my boys to have their Daddy near by.  I’m scared I don’t have the nerve to put my foot down and make him leave.  I hate the idea of having to take from my family for child care.  There is a lot of change and a lot of heart ache that is not going to stop any time soon.  I just want to mitigate the damage if I can help it.