Tag Archives: motherhood

Some positives…

9 May

Lately my blog has been a real bummer.  Some things have been good and I want to share a few of the things that have made me smile.  I just threw a little party for my son who turned three.  It was very last minute but it was nice to have my family and close friends come over.  He felt really special and had a great time.  I had the house looking nice.   Our Daddy friends both took the time to voice their concern and offer any help they could and that was sweet. 

My yard, the hallway of dirt and dog poop, has been de-pooped rota-tilled and I am working on digging out the drainage on it.  I’ve got about 50′ dug and need about another 40′ to complete my french drain.   Hopefully I can bring in top soil in the next week or so and lay down sod.  You have no idea how happy this makes me.  I’ve asked for a lawn from my fiancé for Mothers Day, my birthday and Christmas for the last four years.  I’ve also been a little mad at myself that I hadn’t done it on my own but I lacked confidence and of course didn’t want to ask for help.  It’s on the way.  Now I just have to decide if I want to try to do a sprinkler system or go old school.   

Our office had a party at a winery for about 20 clients and their spouses.  It went very well.  My whole crew looked amazing.  One of the clients I like pulled me aside.  He heard that my fiancé and I were on the rocks and he was super nice complimenting me and chatting.  He is also going through a divorce and he wanted to set me up with someone.  I told him it was too soon but when he said it was his best friend and it’s looking like he’ll be joining the PGA next year and worth $50mil my little brain went, “Hello!” but my mouth did the right thing and said it’s way way way too soon and maybe we can meet as a large group for fun but setting me up right now is crazy.  I was also called a bitch by about five different clients all followed by them telling me how much they respect me, like to work with me and know that I’m working hard for them.  That and they told my boss, and his boss and in some cases his boss that I should be moved up. 

This weekend I have a big concert with great seats with office manager and his boss and a couple of clients.  Making the event free, free dinner free drinks and I don’t have to drive.  I do have to work the next day, but who cares.  Piece of cake.  Mother’s day I will be working too but afterwards I will go to my Mom’s for dinner.

I have taken on a project to build a WordPress site for the band that brought my lover and I together.  I’m excited to try.  If I can make it look good maybe it’s a side business I can build from.  It will also give me a legitimate reason to know my lover and for him to know me.  It will make our affair slightly less risky and honestly even once my fiancé leaves if I go on a vacation to the town where this all started he will KNOW you know what I mean.  At least if I’m working with this band and have no real friends to travel with I have an excuse other than I’m fucking the guy I met there in April 2011.

 

The straw……

1 May

I kinda freaked out but it might be a good thing. I had two things come the last week that pushed me to the breaking point.  Friday one of my clients who I’d like to be better friends with had a birthday.  I asked if he would watch the kids so I could go and have cocktails with her.  He didn’t even answer me.  He had gone out the two nights before and without a word to me he went out that night too.  I was aggravated but I didn’t make a huge deal out of it. 

Sunday we got started late on some yard work.  When it was lunch time we chatting and the Pink Floyd show came up in conversation.  It’s coming up really soon.  He says I need to find a babysitter to go to the show.  I am stunned.  He’s know about this for months and hasn’t said a word.  I ask him what he has planned.  He said nothing but he doesn’t want to be stuck at home while I’m out having a good time.  That he’s butt hurt and jealous that I get to go.  The bottom line is I’m not getting a babysitter if he wants to go out he can go out another night.  I asked him at least four times are you sure, this is for real.  He was dead serious and pissy about it. 

I snapped I told him if it’s like that we’re done.  It can’t be like this.  I can’t take any more we’re finished.  Kids in the room eating lunch.  Thankfully I don’t think they caught what was going down.  Honestly right now I don’t know if it went any further.  I don’t know if I layed on the table all the other shit that has brought me to this but he got it.  He knew I was serious.  He walked out side and sat in the driveway. 

I took care of the kids and got them down for a nap.  I called my Dad and explained.  I called my Mom.  They said they’d help with the kids.  My Mom was solidly behind me getting rid of him.  My Dad also backing whatever I chose, but with him it was different.  My Dad in his own words had “lost his family” he went back quickly saying he didn’t lose them but the break up changed him.  He went down the if you break up and get back together path and I cut him off.  I don’t see that as an option, that it would be worse for the kids.  Honestly I don’t see there ever being a good future with him.

He had taken off with my good car, both car seats and no money.  He has nowhere to go.  We talked and he said he would come back and watch the kids.  I let my family know.  We need to talk more and make a plan.  Things won’t be easy but I think I can stick to it.  It all seems so clear and I feel so strong when I’m away from him and then I get back and I lose my clarity.  He flips it on me.  My Mom said remember when you were little we told you about bullies.  He’s a bully don’t let him bully you into taking what he wants. 

Sorry if this post doesn’t flow or make sence I just wanted to get it out before I lose it.  When I was feeling a bit weak and unsure I went back and read about some of the crap he’s caused me while I’ve been writing this and it reminded me that it’s not just a little thing that’s bothering me.  It’s a huge problem and I need to get away from it and so do my kids.

Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.