Round and round I go…..

15 Mar

My fiancé has to go to pain management sessions to keep receiving pain killers and of course to try to help him with his pain levels.  They have him talk to a councilor and when he relayed the session to me it was sad.  He was asked if the pain was effecting his relationship with me, of course he said yes.  Asked if he had any support, family near by, friends he can depend on.  He said no.  They asked if he thought his being a home maker was womans work and he says yes and adds that he loves his boys and is very happy to be with his kids.  They ask if there are any plans for separation and he tells them no and I say there’s no place for you to go anyway ( I know total bitch move ).

  He’s telling me all this and looking so sad.  He says how I don’t want to touch him, how he knows I don’t like him because I hardly look at him.  All I can do is look down at the bed and nod a little.  I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to put blame on him now.  Right now he is sad, pitiful and lost.  Honestly so am I.

My analytical side says things will never change.  He’ll always slide back to being the overbearing user that he has been all these years.  That we’ll always struggle and be at odds.  My heart had planned that we would be together forever.  My future was to have my family together, no sharing of holidays and weekends, I would grow old with someone I know and who knows me inside and out.  Who remembers me young and full of adventure.  Now that I’ve bonded to myself to him for life with our boys it makes it so much harder.

My cold heartless side says if I break things off and I kick him out he’ll get the disability and he’ll get the settlement he’s been working on from the injury and be up $50k while I’m still struggling.  He has mentioned getting these moneys and taking our family on a vacation and buying reliable cars.  He knows how this is killing me, that I work my ass off and feel guilty spending $20 on myself.  How I’m embarrassed to see my clients in my busted up car. 

Round in circles I go.  I do have an angel helping me take a look at my life to see where things have left me off kilter.  We talk when we can and honestly I think I might be to set in my ways to take her advice but I’m willing to listen and I won’t forget.  I may not do the right thing right away but at least I’ll have the knowledge for when it’s time.  I’m tired of being under the little black rain cloud. 

4 Responses to “Round and round I go…..”

  1. sexuallifeofawife March 17, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    I’m sorry, it doesn’t sound too good for you at the moment…

    • terriblytorn13 March 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

      It’s going to get better but right now it’s a bit overwhelming.

  2. The Hook March 20, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

    I LOVE that closing cartoon!

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