Tag Archives: good friend

RESPECT….

29 Jan

I just finished listening to a chapter in the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad To Stay.  This chapter was called RESPECT.  Like all the chapters I teeter from one side to the other thinking how bad my fiance is and what good he does have.  I take care of the bills, I earn the income, I handle most of the housework, plan anything that is more complicated than a night out and the list goes on.  He doesn’t really give me the respect I deserve for these things.  He will sometimes say that he appreciates what I do when it’s happening but when we are discussing an issue what I do and what he does are equal in his eyes.  At least that is the impression I get. 

The author talked about respect for your partner at the end of the chapter.  I think that is where it really hit home.  She talked about people not living up to the expectations that you had for them.  She asked that we evaluate what we respect about our partners.  For me it was his compassion for others, he is generally a good friend.  I’ve refered to him as my social planner for years as he is the one to make our plans or get people coming over for a party.  He is a very loving and involved parent.  His cooking is amazing.  I started thinking about all this and while it sounds fine and good I’m adding up that he has the fun list.  Anything real world or complicated falls on my shoulders. 

After thinking about all this I thought of how replaceable he is.  The bottom line is I keep him because I haven’t created my own social life and I’m very attached to him and the memories and history we have together.  Without those things would I truly want this person in my life.  It all seems to be pointing to no.  Before you read this and say she’s finally got it let me explain….

I’ve been doing all this separate from him. I’ve said to him that I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine life without him.  I’ve brought up that I feel under valued, that I think he needs to contribute to the finances and housework and I’ve even told him that he doesn’t turn me on.  Even with all this said we haven’t talked about changing things.  I’d like to at least give that a shot.  He is always telling me what he can’t do and we need to talk about what he can do and what he’s willing to do.  Honestly it’s a hard conversation and I’ve felt like we going in the right direction and I’ve bailed on it before.  We’re both miserable, this needs to change and the longer I wait the harder it gets.

A new normal…….

16 Jan

At first I was hurt and feeling rejected by the fact Tom was texting me less.  Sometimes even bypassing my questions I’d texted to him.  Usaly nothing of importance just digital small talk but he had a strong hold on my heart and to be ignored sucked.  When we started talking we couldn’t get enough of each other the feelings felt mutual. 

I learned he had experience cheating. I would tell him how guilty I felt when I thought about how much this could hurt my fiancé.  He didn’t seem to have the same issues at all.  He told me how he could keep things separate and it didn’t bother him.  It seamed so strange to me, I didn’t think I’d ever feel that way. Time has passed and now things are separate for me too. A new normal.

Time is making it easier for me to define a place in my life for Tom.  Before it was a strong pull to be with him to bring him into my everyday life.  I think a few things worked together to get me over this.  He has said somethings that make me think that maybe he’s not the ideal partner I imagined him to be, nothing major just little things.  The lowered contact has also helped lessen the pull, I almost feel like he’s training me to accept this but that just might be in my head.  I’m refocusing on my home life.  It’s putting things back into perspective. 

I still love to talk to him.  I still can’t wait to see him.  I don’t have the heartache and the weepyness anymore.  I even worry that maybe I need to let him know that things are changing for me.  Sometimes I think I know what another person is feeling or thinking but I’ve been wrong more than once.  I wonder if he still thinks that if he asked I’d run to him ( I guess more like clear a spot for him to run to me ).  I don’t know if that would work now.  However I don’t think that is ever going to happen. 

I am moving forward with a new normal.  Tom is a good friend, a wonderful lover (when I get my hands on him).  I don’t wait for his every text checking my phone every few seconds.  I don’t send him a picture every day.  I don’t feel slighted when he doesn’t text me.  When we do talk it’s always wonderful.  When we touch it’s magic.  Sometimes when you get too much of a good thing it looses it’s magic, this might be the perfect way to keep the magic going.