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Post 200 and time for a new name……

3 Sep

This is my 200th post!  I can’t belive I’ve written so much and I love to look back at how this weird wonderful love story has unfolded.  I started out sad and stuck but full of excitement and lust for this man who is unlike anyone I’d ever met.  I was torn, knowing what I was doing was wrong by my standards.  Torn about whether my relationship with Dick was worth saving or it was just too toxic to exist.  I look back and I can see my lust and curiosity with Tom turned into caring and loving.  My desire to have him in my life changed from a rescue me with your solid hard working sweet ways to knowing I don’t have to be saved that he will enhance the life I will build on my own. 

I plan to write more, once I can access my home PC or buy a lap top (Dick password protected the home PC and now I cannot log on).  I’ve been trying to be more focused at work however now I have a bunch of side things to do with courts, bills and child care.  So my writing and reading time is low but I intend to come back and write more because I love being able to look back and see how things have changed.  To read how I’ve felt about Tom and myself and even Dick.   

So now I’m not torn.  I feel sure of my path whether it is with Tom or not I need to build a good life for my kids, my dogs and I without Dick.  I will have some set backs and confusion but I won’t feel torn like I did when I started this blog.  I’m thinking I need a new name.  I was hoping to get a fw comments with suggestions.  I have not yet put any thought into it other than my name no longer fits my situation.

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Still torn….

20 Feb

Yesterday Tom texted me that he was riding his bike to work to get in better shape for our summer vacation.  I hoped he ment me and him but since we had nothing planned yet I wondered if it was a vacation he and his wife were taking together.  When he got done with his little five mile ride he called me out of breath.  After we talked for a little bit I asked if it was a vacation for him and I.  Of course it was.  He said he was all sweaty and cold and needed to get cleaned up to go into work.  It was 33 degrees and sprinkling.  I think that’s so hot and I told him so. 

I’m counting down.  Ten days until my lover will be in my neck of the woods.  With his wife and her sister and maybe her brother will be with him.  He still doesn’t have a plan to break away.  I have two days off and I don’t know which one I will need to use to drive to the city to meet him for an hour or two or more?  I’m tempted to pay for the ladies to get mani-pettis so I can steal a bit of his time. 

I know I’ve said it before but the lowred contact makes me wonder if he still has the same feelings for me.  Then he’ll get on the phone with me and tell me how amazing I am and how he wants to hold me.  He left me the cutest voice mail message saying he wanted to get behind me and squeeze my titties while he fucked me.  I still have it saved for a rainy day, listening to it always makes me smile.  He sent me a picture of his cock recently and my responce was it makes me want him to shove it inside of me.  It always amazes me that my doubt is erased by contact with him.  He really makes me melt.

Can things change?….

19 Feb

We’ve started to open up a little.  He says we’ve got a bond in blood and he wants to keep our family together.  He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he loves me with all of his heart.  That I’m sexy, smart and amazing.

He knows I’m not happy and I want him to do more.  He sees that I’m sad, disconnected and stressed.  We discussed again that I need his help and not that I want him to do what he is unable to do but I want him to do what he can.  

 He keeps getting stuck on that I want him to work and don’t care about his injury.  I remind him I just want him to contribute. Whether he can find a job that can suit his physical limitations, get disability, start an E-bay store or find a work at home prospect anything that shows he is trying will help.  I remind him that I’m ticked off more because even before he was injured he wouldn’t look for a night job as his unemployment ran out.

We started talking about how he makes me feel.  That when I leave the house at night that I need to be in frequent contact with him.  He tells me how do I know you’re not whoring arround.  Sticky question for me now, right?  I tell him that all these years I’ve been faithful that shouldn’t that earn me the freedom not to have to talk to him every hour. I don’t ask that from him.  This opened the door for him to bring up my youth.  Telling me that I whored arround with 60 men before I was 17 and that I fucked a guy I knew for a week after we broke up.  Both of which were wrong (I had just wrote a bit about it in this post).  It also made me think of another post I need to write but I’ll save that for another time.

We got past that and went into name calling.  Recently at a dinner where well he was being less than desirable dinner company he complained that he is always the last person eating.  He has said a couple of things about himself in the recent past that he has a small mouth and a large gut, not both in the same sentence but he has said it.  So, my smart ass said he’s the last one to finish his meal it might be because of his small mouth and large gut he was terribly offended. Looking back I understand and feel bad about it (I’m far from perfect).  So we were talking about how he was calling me a cunt and fucking bitch when he was yelling at me the other day and he compared it to when I said the small mouth large gut thing.  It took a good 15 minutes to help him understand the difference between using words that have no other purpose than to hurt some one than using something that is off color but could be taken in stride since it’s something you’ve said about yourself.  Again I apologised and said it was wrong of me to have said what I said.  I think he said he was sorry too, he said he just gets so angry and that is the only way he can express himself.

Then he went into how the young me would be very disappointed in the current me.  To which I had to disagree. I’ve always been ambitious and resourceful.  If you think about the young me, doing drugs, stealing cars and stuff, working in the mall, my plan for the future was to rob a few banks and move to Canada, then yes the old me would be like, “Why are you working for the man and there is way too little sex, drugs and rock and roll going on here.”.  I told him I’m proud of myself and I wish you would be too.  He tells me there is nothing he would change. He is so happy to have the boys.  I ask are you proud of yourself and he goes, “Yes, I’m not a crack head, I’ve never been locked up, I’m not homeless, I don’t beat you or the kids we have our own house and great boys.”  Good lord he has succeeded because he’s not a crack head.  I guess I should have seen this coming but when you’re aspirations are to rob banks and move to Canada (pronounced by us as Can-a-Duh-Duh-Duh) not being homeless or in jail is pretty awesome.

The people from pain management had him see a counselor.  Where he told them that his injury and pain was effecting our relationship.  The big box healthcare provided offered him meds which he declined since he takes maybe 10 or so different kinds of medication a day he didn’t want to risk a bad chemical reaction.  He told me how miserable he is.  How he has thought of killing himself though he would never do it.  That the words I said to him ring in his ears, how I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine a life without him and that he doesn’t do it for me any more. 

I was as encouraging as I could be.  We talked about going to counseling.  He wants to try to do better.  I remind him that I don’t expect it to all happen at once but I need to see that he’s trying.  That he cares about making things better together and he’s nice to me and the boys.  Now I need to find a counselor that I can afford and line up child care for when we go.

Feeling crazy….

13 Feb

If I were to sum up this weekend in one word I would go with: Fail.

My weekend started off odd.  I had plans to go to a beautiful co-worker’s birthday.  Then I wanted to go see a show in a very small bar/restaurant that consisted of two solo artists and a little band.  My fiancé had not given me the OK to go to my friends birthday party so I didn’t make plans to go thinking he might not let me go and silly me didn’t want to rock the boat.

Friday night I’m cooking and cleaning away.  I hear him talking to his friend sounds like he was making plans to go out.  I sat for a minute and played with my phone and he calls me out about it.  Telling me I need to be busy doing the housework or engaging the kids.  Once I get the kids down for the night I laid down on our bed and ask if he’s going to let me go out the next night he said he is and he’s planning on going out tonight (catch how he didn’t ask me, not that I care it’s just the double standard that makes my blood boil). 

He starts to ride me a bit about not doing enough cleaning and too much fucking with my phone.  I come right back at him.  He starts yelling that I talk over him.  I’m trying to tell him he starts talking before I finish what I have to say.  I try to step back, change my tone and keep this conversation from turning into a fight.  Even after calming down, slowing down trying to keep things on track he starts to berate me.  Yelling, shut the fuck up, stupid cunt and once he calls me the c word it’s over I can’t talk to him.  I’m telling him if it’s that bad fucking leave, he’s telling me it’s our house he doesn’t have to go that he won’t leave.  He storms off. I go online and take the money in our bank account and transfer it into savings.  He will still have access to it but if he runs the card it will get declined. Hopefully it will remind him that when I’m not at home taking care of the kids and cleaning  that I’m fucking working earning the money he loves to spend!

He comes back to apologise.  He brings a joint and I smoke with him reluctantly.  He’s nice now. He says he shouldn’t do that but it’s how I act that triggers it (apparently once it’s triggered there is no turning back) and I can’t look at him.  I don’t want to fight anymore we watch Okie Noodling it’s weird and distracting.  I fall asleep as he waits for his ride.  I woke up at about 3 in the morning worried about transferring that money.  Knowing it will just make him angry again.  What did I do about it.  Read a few blogs posted a few comments. Rubbed a couple or orgasms out and went back to sleep.

The next day he was a bit pissy at breakfast but nothing to extreme.  I did some housework before taking off with the boys for a hike and a picnic.  When I came back for nap time it was like nothing happened.  I cleaned and organized and played with the kids.  I was excited about going to my friends birthday but now I was feeling apprehensive about it.  After dinner I put the boys down and started to feel very awkward about going out by myself.  Then felt weird about asking anyone to go with me.  He wanted me to smoke with him and watch a show and I did.  I’ve been looking for chances to go out and build a social life and here is a chance for me and I got all freaked out and stayed home.  It felt very strange.

The next night my Dad came over to watch the kids.  There was that show I wanted to go see.  I have sort of a girl crush on the gal who was promoting the show.  Not that I want to sleep with her just that I really would love to be her friend rather than just an acquaintance.  The music well honestly isn’t my normal type.  I found beauty in it but I wasn’t completely a fan, my fiancé didn’t like it very much at all.  The opening act was definitely not my speed.  So as we talked about going I got more and more nervous.  What would I say to the gal I like and how would it be hanging out with my fiancé who I even now feel awkward around and trying to keep him happy.  Let alone that the venue is so small I imagine the artists looking out into the crowd and being able to see everyone’s faces.  If the music is so so and my date is not my favorite company I might offend the artist.  I know it’s crazy (see the title of this post) so we didn’t go to the show. 

We got some dinner and went to a late night tasting and sample night at a organic grocery store.  It all went OK.  We got home very early the kids weren’t even in bed yet.  My Dad looked a bit concerned but he was happy to go home early.  We tried to watch a movie together and I fell asleep.  He kept asking me for sex.  I gave in.  He started kissing me and I couldn’t do it, I turned my head.  He started rubbing my breasts and legs.  My posture changed from relaxed to me curling up.  Hands clamped against my chest clearly an unwilling recipient.  His breathing was so heavy bothering me, grossing me out.  I just rolled over and let it happen.  No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me.  It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.

Pardon my long, whiney, crazy post.  Some times it feels better to get it out.  This time I’m feeling a bit embarased about it.  However I have been trying to keep an honest account of the things that effect my life with my fiance and my lover and this is it.  Maybe I’m going a bit mad.

The second best thing in my life….

7 Dec

Of course the first best thing is my kids and biological family (parents, brother, cousins). As my home life is in shambles my work life continues to shine. It’s my number two.  The deuce that I never want to drop. If I can hold down the fort while this storm beats on me from everywhere else I might just be on the right track. I’ve mentioned before I love my job. I have just the right combination of personal contact and nerdy number crunching. On top of that there is a lot of flexibility and room for free thinking. I’m not in the kind of banking that you would think of when you say banker.

So for fun I will share my recent excitements.  I recently got number one in the company for my position!  I’ve ranked in the top ten seven months this year!  I got employee of the month for the second time this year (funny both were the months I took time off to be with Tom). We do social events with our clients so we are going to have more boxes at baseball and football games and we will be doing more cocktail hours.  Free booze and entertainment, count me in!  The office manager got four great tickets for Roger Waters doing the Wall a show coming up in the spring.  He’s taking me and we will find two clients to come with us, sweet! 

Side note I’m telling my fiancé this stuff.  He brings up the last football game I went to with my boss and ten clients.  We had a luxury box and it was great!  He brought up how some people on face book said going to a game like that without him should be grounds for divorce.  Then he got mad about the future events saying we should be building memory’s not me and my boss.  I remind him it’s part of my job.  I need to build rapport with my clients and support my office.  He scoffs at my job.  I remind him I’m nothing special I was a fucking collector and was 2nd pick for the job I have now.  I fucked up for two years untill someone showed me the way.  The key was I stuck with it.  I took a little luck and ran with it.  He just got more irritated.

 

So I’m writing this because I just got out of a one on one meeting with my branch manager.  He reminds me to try to lead my peers, review the data and make plans for my office and that I’m getting ready to take my managers spot when he leaves.  They are trying to get me a little raise.  He says to me that I could make a great credit manager and what’s to stop me from taking his job as a branch manager one day.  That I could stay in this very expensive place to live and have a good life for my family.  He knows just how to bait his employees, that is one of the reasons he’s so good. 

We’ll I’m baited I’m ready and I have to keep pushing no matter what kinda of bull shit I have to deal with outside of this place.   

Living in limbo….

30 Nov

Sophia had recently commented that working two jobs I’ll be so tired.  So far it has not been bad.  I’ve only added about 25 hours per week of work to my load.  Today and tomorrow will be special.  I’m a little nervous to see how it will work out.  I’m working 8:30am-5pm at my day job and then 10:30pm to 6am at my night job then back to work 8:30am-5pm then back to work 10:30pm-6pm.  I intend to go home at 5pm eat something then sleep and get up and work.  When I get home maybe I’ll take the dogs out for a walk then shower then go back to working….wow it seems like a lot.  I really do think I can pull it off.  

My other half…well I asked him if he checked out the work from home links I forwarded to him.  He said he started to then the computer froze.  I asked if he filed for disability he said he wants to wait for a friends doctors office to handle the paperwork for him.  Did he check with his layer on the injury case, no. He did make dinner and vacuum the house.  I should be thankful, right?  He’s also being needy and whiney.  He wants me to hold him and kiss him.  It feels like a lie.  I know I’m now a first class liar but the faking affection is hard.  Much harder than making something up to cover why I have a glowing smile on my face after I get one of my lovers texts. 

Honestly, right now, I wish he could just disappear, not die, not move, just vanish, maybe reincarnate into a happy puppy or something.  I don’t know if I have the guts to send his sorry ass away only for him to shift from being viciously hateful to utterly pitiful and back again.  The thought of my kids getting shuffled arround is also weighing on me.  My fiancé says he wants to make it work. That he loves me.  The kids and I are the best thing that has ever happened to him but he is in such pain he needs help.  Maybe it’s the pain and the diabetes and the pills, but maybe it’s not.  How long can I wait, what do I do?

Caffeinate and conquer……

4 Nov

I started off full sprint.  I should have known I couldn’t keep momentum especially without a support network.  There is just so much to do, I hate to say it but I’m a little overwhelmed. 

I lost my drive quick and fell into a funk that has held me down like quicksand.  I would get home to a mess.  I’d play with my boys then do bed time.  Then at nine or ten at night I would lie on my bed and read a blog or check Facebook for a few minutes.  I know that I should pop back up and get to work on the housework or take out the dogs but I didn’t. I know I needed to talk with my fiancé about all the issues but it felt so much better to just sit on the couch while he sits in his chair and stare into the TV making a comment or two about the show until I fall asleep. 

Since I’ve been slacking it didn’t seem like the right time to try to set clear goals and expectations with my fiancé (it’s never the right time, right?).  I would just sink in the couch and watch the tube. Most nights I’d fall a sleep in the first few minutes of the show.  He is totally annoyed by my sleeping.  Waking up early to get stuff done wasn’t working either.  When I get depressed I sleep more and eat poorly. 

I got a bonus from work.  Took the family out for dinner.  Paid up almost all of my bills.  Had a couple of drinks out at the bar during Halloween weekend.  Well somehow I miss calculated.  I over drew my account by $200! I’ve never goofed up my account this bad.  It’s going to be fine, lights are on, pull ups in the cupbord and plenty of food in the house however it’s embarrassing and just another sign of how bad I’m failing. 

My fiancé and I are back to being catty.  He’s yelling the boys are consoling me.  I’m tearing up at work.  All this makes me withdraw.  I don’t want to tell anyone, I don’t want to ask for help.  I guess I just need to pull my ass out of this shit and get to work.  I’ve never been one to drink a Rockstar or Caffeinate to get shit done but maybe it’s time to try.  Millions of people can’t be wrong, right?