Archive | February, 2012

A small window…..

29 Feb

He’s here.  My lover is an hour away and still doesn’t know how he can see me.  His alibi is out of town and his wife knows it.  Saturday is when he is leaving and I have Thursday and Friday off. 

 I can only really make the 200 mile round trip and pay the toll to get there once.  The question is Thursday or Friday.

 Where and when? 

Honestly if it’s just a kiss and a hug while they think he’s feeding the meter I’d be happy.  Boy, that sure sounds lame when I type it out.

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When it rains….

27 Feb

I’m overwhelmed and sad.  Lump in my throat and eyes burning.

He did it again twice throwing my past in my face calling me names.  Calling me a low life for saying that I liked having sex and that’s why I did it often back then. 

I stopped looking for a therapist and started looking for child care.  So far I’ve found that if I go to a traditional childcare preschool it will cost as much as my mortgage payment.  Not an option.

He and my youngest got sick.  Two days later the oldest and I got it too.  Stuck together sick not wanting to look at each other.  It was miserable.

I was ill and called in sick to work, making me feel bad.  In my last review my boss said he knows I’m having relationship trouble. He said he would understand and will support me if I need to take a week or so off to get my child care and such in order.  It’s super nice and super sad that I’m that girl.

My lover still doesn’t have a plan on how he will see me.  It’s starting to make me feel pushy and needy.  I try to let him know it’s OK if we can’t see each other but I still want it and I’ll make myself available without sounding like an idiot. 

I’m good on my utilities and have had to forgo all my credit card and loan payments.  I’ve received a 1099 for my debt from buying furniture on my Macy’s card, a notice that they put a lien on my house for another debt (don’t worry I’m way underwater) and today I got a notice that another lender is going to garnish my wages.  So now my focus is shifted again to finding a bankrupcy attorney.  I knew I’d have to do it but I thought I could buy myself some more time. 

So I might lay low on my own posts and just pop by your blogs. I’m not sure right now.  Everyone that comments has such kind, helpful and thoughtful words and I really appriciate it.

 When it rains it pours.  When the sun comes out again everything will be ready to bloom.

Still torn….

20 Feb

Yesterday Tom texted me that he was riding his bike to work to get in better shape for our summer vacation.  I hoped he ment me and him but since we had nothing planned yet I wondered if it was a vacation he and his wife were taking together.  When he got done with his little five mile ride he called me out of breath.  After we talked for a little bit I asked if it was a vacation for him and I.  Of course it was.  He said he was all sweaty and cold and needed to get cleaned up to go into work.  It was 33 degrees and sprinkling.  I think that’s so hot and I told him so. 

I’m counting down.  Ten days until my lover will be in my neck of the woods.  With his wife and her sister and maybe her brother will be with him.  He still doesn’t have a plan to break away.  I have two days off and I don’t know which one I will need to use to drive to the city to meet him for an hour or two or more?  I’m tempted to pay for the ladies to get mani-pettis so I can steal a bit of his time. 

I know I’ve said it before but the lowred contact makes me wonder if he still has the same feelings for me.  Then he’ll get on the phone with me and tell me how amazing I am and how he wants to hold me.  He left me the cutest voice mail message saying he wanted to get behind me and squeeze my titties while he fucked me.  I still have it saved for a rainy day, listening to it always makes me smile.  He sent me a picture of his cock recently and my responce was it makes me want him to shove it inside of me.  It always amazes me that my doubt is erased by contact with him.  He really makes me melt.

Sex, sex, sex…..

19 Feb

He told me that he couldn’t trust me because I whored around as a teenager.  You know that right now, he would be right.  However he’s always acted this way and in 15 years this is the first year I have been unfaithful and no I didn’t tell him that, but I remind him of the many years I have been faithful to him. I tried to bend the words perfectly so I would lie as little as possible. 

He told me that because of my Daddy issues that I sought out attention from men.  That my parents divorce and being neglected by my Mother who was too focused on dating my now Step Dad let me run amuck.  The Mom thing might be true but my Dad wanted to be arround me often.  He coached my softball team on two occasions and I was against it.  I was able to bite my tongue because him giving me the old family therapy bothers me due to how completely dysfunctional his family is, but lets get back to the point.

He told me that my sexual lessons were to have attention and fill a void.  I don’t think so.  I would liken it more to drug use.  I had sex because it felt good.  I didn’t seek out lovers that would pay attention to me.  I had some lovers that would just knock on my window in the night we’d go fuck and then I’d go back home and I would not pursue any other relationship than that, just sex.  The guy I was thinking about was such a great fuck.  He’d have me cumming over and over.  But I didn’t want the attention I liked the way I felt while I was making out, cumming and fucking.

I had ground rules. No blow jobs and nothing in the back door. My first real blow job was with my fiancé.  I had tried once very poorly with a neighbor but it only lasted a minute and only done based on my curiosity and I didn’t like it.  It didn’t give me the same feeling that making out or fucking did.

My fiancé used to do speed before we met.  I wanted to try to parallel his choice of being a tweeker to my choice of being a slut.  He did it because it gave him something to do he liked the way it felt.  I fucked and made out with people for the same reasons.

Once I got that first spark of attraction I would pursue that feeling.  Kissing and touching making me tingle, making me wet.  I can’t ever remember thinking to my self, “If I just let him fuck me he’d like me.”.  What I do remember is it was about me.  Me being horny, me getting off.  Never using lube cumming pretty much every time I fucked.  Some times over and over. 

There were times where I wanted more attention but I’d not say I used sex to try to get it.  I do remember when I was young I had a little thing going with a singer in a band.  I remember he was kinda weird hanging out with me hanging out with his friends.  One day he just stopped calling me back.  I remember waiting for him in the bar in the same mall where I worked. Waiting for him to pick me up and he never came.  Now I think I might just know what part of the problem was.  I was 15 and he was 23.

I have not gotten to tell my fiance my opinions about my sexual past yet.  He really has the mindset that sex is special and you should have a deep emotional connection.  Unless we were fucking that one chick then it didn’t seem to matter too much to him.  Oh I’m confused and a bit off topic, but I think I got my point out there.

Can things change?….

19 Feb

We’ve started to open up a little.  He says we’ve got a bond in blood and he wants to keep our family together.  He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he loves me with all of his heart.  That I’m sexy, smart and amazing.

He knows I’m not happy and I want him to do more.  He sees that I’m sad, disconnected and stressed.  We discussed again that I need his help and not that I want him to do what he is unable to do but I want him to do what he can.  

 He keeps getting stuck on that I want him to work and don’t care about his injury.  I remind him I just want him to contribute. Whether he can find a job that can suit his physical limitations, get disability, start an E-bay store or find a work at home prospect anything that shows he is trying will help.  I remind him that I’m ticked off more because even before he was injured he wouldn’t look for a night job as his unemployment ran out.

We started talking about how he makes me feel.  That when I leave the house at night that I need to be in frequent contact with him.  He tells me how do I know you’re not whoring arround.  Sticky question for me now, right?  I tell him that all these years I’ve been faithful that shouldn’t that earn me the freedom not to have to talk to him every hour. I don’t ask that from him.  This opened the door for him to bring up my youth.  Telling me that I whored arround with 60 men before I was 17 and that I fucked a guy I knew for a week after we broke up.  Both of which were wrong (I had just wrote a bit about it in this post).  It also made me think of another post I need to write but I’ll save that for another time.

We got past that and went into name calling.  Recently at a dinner where well he was being less than desirable dinner company he complained that he is always the last person eating.  He has said a couple of things about himself in the recent past that he has a small mouth and a large gut, not both in the same sentence but he has said it.  So, my smart ass said he’s the last one to finish his meal it might be because of his small mouth and large gut he was terribly offended. Looking back I understand and feel bad about it (I’m far from perfect).  So we were talking about how he was calling me a cunt and fucking bitch when he was yelling at me the other day and he compared it to when I said the small mouth large gut thing.  It took a good 15 minutes to help him understand the difference between using words that have no other purpose than to hurt some one than using something that is off color but could be taken in stride since it’s something you’ve said about yourself.  Again I apologised and said it was wrong of me to have said what I said.  I think he said he was sorry too, he said he just gets so angry and that is the only way he can express himself.

Then he went into how the young me would be very disappointed in the current me.  To which I had to disagree. I’ve always been ambitious and resourceful.  If you think about the young me, doing drugs, stealing cars and stuff, working in the mall, my plan for the future was to rob a few banks and move to Canada, then yes the old me would be like, “Why are you working for the man and there is way too little sex, drugs and rock and roll going on here.”.  I told him I’m proud of myself and I wish you would be too.  He tells me there is nothing he would change. He is so happy to have the boys.  I ask are you proud of yourself and he goes, “Yes, I’m not a crack head, I’ve never been locked up, I’m not homeless, I don’t beat you or the kids we have our own house and great boys.”  Good lord he has succeeded because he’s not a crack head.  I guess I should have seen this coming but when you’re aspirations are to rob banks and move to Canada (pronounced by us as Can-a-Duh-Duh-Duh) not being homeless or in jail is pretty awesome.

The people from pain management had him see a counselor.  Where he told them that his injury and pain was effecting our relationship.  The big box healthcare provided offered him meds which he declined since he takes maybe 10 or so different kinds of medication a day he didn’t want to risk a bad chemical reaction.  He told me how miserable he is.  How he has thought of killing himself though he would never do it.  That the words I said to him ring in his ears, how I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine a life without him and that he doesn’t do it for me any more. 

I was as encouraging as I could be.  We talked about going to counseling.  He wants to try to do better.  I remind him that I don’t expect it to all happen at once but I need to see that he’s trying.  That he cares about making things better together and he’s nice to me and the boys.  Now I need to find a counselor that I can afford and line up child care for when we go.

Kinda like it used to be….

17 Feb

I don’t know if you recall a recent post where I’d missed going to a show because I was feeling…um…well…crazy.  Well the same two artists were playing later in the week.  My fiancé called me and said he talked to our friend (my girl crush) and she would be there with her eight year old daughter.  He called a couple of our other friends to invite them out as well. 

He had dinner ready when I got home.  We got there and our friend greeted us warmly.  I danced with the boys and the artists sounded great.  Some other folks I know were there and I got to say hi.  I only felt a little awkward.  I hung close to the boys. I’ve grown to feel like I need to be the one to mind them when I’m out with my fiancé.

He mingled the artists and our friends.  Everyone loves him.  He’s so friendly and engaging.  When it was time to go we gave hugs and good byes and everyone says we should get together, bowl, have beers, barbecue, take the kids to the park. 

He was so sweet to put this together thinking of me.  He becomes so charming and personable.  It’s times like these that leave me baffled.

A memorable Valentine’s day…..

17 Feb

My little boy is a rock star!

On Valentine’s day his friend from a play group came over to give him and my youngest a Valentine.  He’s started a preschool type program and he’s met a gor there too.  I had missed enrolling him in this session so he would not be attending class during the holiday.  The cutest little girl who has a crush on him and dubbed him her boyfriend came over and brought him a Valentine she had made.  As she was walking up she passed the other little girl.  Of course they paid no mind to each other. It was so cute!

Over all it was a nice day.  I made pink chocolate chip pancakes with little hearts in them. I had the boys give their Daddy the heart-shaped box of chocolates we got for him. Later the family picked me up from work for a picnic lunch at the park where we exchanged gifts. Hot wheels and heart-shaped box of chocolates for the boys and a t-shirt and earings for me.  We had a late steak dinner at home after the girls left. Then we watched Lady and the Tramp where I my youngest and I fell asleep all cuddled up on the couch.