Tag Archives: sexual desires

It ends not with a whimper but with a bang…..

5 Aug

I still have a night and two days to write about from my last visit with Tom.  We had so much fun.  I feel so at home, so at ease with him.  We wanted to make our time like real life but we couldn’t.  We went out and had fun every night. We never cooked or worked on anything together but we thorourghly enjoyed our time.  It brought us even close together.  With that said I have had a huge change in my life and need to write it out. 

I have been visting with Olaf a bit more than I should.  Not that Tom is upset with it but he has been finding it in his heart to how to deal with our connection.  I have kept Tom in the loop and I have expressed to Olaf my feelings for Tom.  I have also let Olaf know that sometimes his feelings come off stronger than I am comfortable with and I don’t want to lead him on or hurt him.  I feel an attraction and a strong friendship but it is going to be second to my love for Tom. 

So as you know I’ve kissed Olaf.  We’ve also met several times in the night and he has spanked my ass very nicely.  We talk about a lot our past relationships, my current situation, the kids, his current situation, BDSM, music.  He’s becoming a good friend and with my current situation having someone who knows what’s going on that I can open up to is a huge release.  

Olaf and his wife have discussed his polyamorous nature and she is not able to come to terms with it so the are living as very good friends.  She is in love with him but he loves her but without any infatuation.  Their sexual desires are not aligned either.  So now he is free to date and has evenings and weekends available to do as he pleases.  This all started because of the kiss we shared, he discussed this with Dick and I on the porch the other day but leaving out that the interest, the girl was me. 

I was texting with him advice on how to get things moving with Dick.  That I was going to speak to him and set a deadline to either move out locally or fly home to his Mommy.  Olaf suggested I have a more solid plan and he wanted to talk to me help me plan.  Alright I set the stage take off to clear my mind with a drive.  I take a journal with me that has suff about my relationship at home and with Tom and Olaf just incase I want to make notes or refer him to my past writings.  The journal never gets used.  We talk and have a nice night and it ends with a few kisses and a nice spanking.

I get home late and Dick is playing video games.  Chair in the middle of the  room close to the TV and bong on the table next to him.  The kids nestled in their beds sleeping.  He wants to watch TV with me so I sit and leave my purse in the kitchen.  I doze off quickly and wake up to him screaming in my face who is Tom!!!  Over and over.  Calling me names, lying cheating whore, fucking cunt, slut, disgusting cow…yelling that I kissed Olaf who was supposed to be his friend.  He’s over me eyes wide and all I can say is don’t hurt me.  He yells it back don’t hurt you??? I say physically don’t hurt me.  He moves away and takes my journal shredding it.  He did it to my diary too when we first dated.  It had accounts of the boys I fooled arround with before him and it made him angry so he destroyed that recount of my past too. 

He’s running arround yelling.  He goes into the kitchen and grabs a wooden chair and holds it over his head.  I think he’s going to hit me with it so I cower.  He smashes it into the ground.  I’m responding to his yelling that I would never have done it if he treated me right.  I was faithful for 14 years and I told him to leave, I told him I don’t want him.  That my lover isn’t moving in the second he steps out the door.  I need to be alone.  I want him gone.  He smashes the chair on the ground again and storms into the garage.  I text Olaf he only lives a few streets over and Dick could be there in a heart beat.  He tells me Dick is already on the phone with him cussing him out.  There is nothing left to do.  It’s 2:30am in the morning and I have to work the next day.  I work alone on the weekends there is no calling in sick. 

I lay in my bed trying to rest and he comes in yelling.  He takes the mattress and picks the thing up over his head and tosses me off and throws it on top of me.  I’m starting to get scared I’m thinking I need to call the police and then I hear the knock.  I think it’s Olaf but when Dick opens the door it’s the police.  He moves the bong and we step outside.  We tell them I haven’t been touched and they let us know more than one home has called them.  They question us both separately and the one that is with Dick asks if he’s intoxicated.  He says no, the officer says last time I came you were shit faced and peeing in the closet before you hit your old lady.  The officer watching over me gestures to the bong and they over to Dick.  I say it’s his, he asks if I smoke and I said on occasion.  He asks if there is a grow here.  I tell him no (well not now anyway it’s shut down but all the stuff is still there). 

They decide he should leave.  So he goes.  Takes the car and gone into the night.  The boys were snuggled quietly in their beds when I checked on them and went to sleep.  I got up early and called my Mom she says I can take the kids to her so I can work.  I tell her the cliff notes and head off to work.  Waiting to see what Dick will do next.

Luke warm…..

17 Jan

Things are up and down since my change of heart to try to work things out. My fiancé has been in a lot of pain, sick, I think, too. There is always something wrong with him it seems. His previous gusto on helping me out has petered out a bit but not so much that it’s horrible. He has been a bit harsh on the kids, but he seems to take notice of it and they have been especially challenging lately.

I feel warm towards him but not hot.  I have no urge to kiss him.  We’ve had relations but it was uninspired to say the least.  I have sexual desires just not for him.  I’m not sure what can be done to change it. 

My health provider has found a new date for my therapy appointment.  I hope it can help sort things out.  I have not found a place for couples therapy but maybe I’ll start with myself and then it can help me see what I need from the couples sessions. 

I did get some good news from Tom.  He met with a friend who lives close to the area that he and his wife will be visiting.  His friend offered for Tom to use him as an excuse to get away for a few hours.  This will give us our window to meet up.  Now I just need to figure out what to do with him or maybe just where to do it.