Archive | November, 2011

Living in limbo….

30 Nov

Sophia had recently commented that working two jobs I’ll be so tired.  So far it has not been bad.  I’ve only added about 25 hours per week of work to my load.  Today and tomorrow will be special.  I’m a little nervous to see how it will work out.  I’m working 8:30am-5pm at my day job and then 10:30pm to 6am at my night job then back to work 8:30am-5pm then back to work 10:30pm-6pm.  I intend to go home at 5pm eat something then sleep and get up and work.  When I get home maybe I’ll take the dogs out for a walk then shower then go back to working….wow it seems like a lot.  I really do think I can pull it off.  

My other half…well I asked him if he checked out the work from home links I forwarded to him.  He said he started to then the computer froze.  I asked if he filed for disability he said he wants to wait for a friends doctors office to handle the paperwork for him.  Did he check with his layer on the injury case, no. He did make dinner and vacuum the house.  I should be thankful, right?  He’s also being needy and whiney.  He wants me to hold him and kiss him.  It feels like a lie.  I know I’m now a first class liar but the faking affection is hard.  Much harder than making something up to cover why I have a glowing smile on my face after I get one of my lovers texts. 

Honestly, right now, I wish he could just disappear, not die, not move, just vanish, maybe reincarnate into a happy puppy or something.  I don’t know if I have the guts to send his sorry ass away only for him to shift from being viciously hateful to utterly pitiful and back again.  The thought of my kids getting shuffled arround is also weighing on me.  My fiancé says he wants to make it work. That he loves me.  The kids and I are the best thing that has ever happened to him but he is in such pain he needs help.  Maybe it’s the pain and the diabetes and the pills, but maybe it’s not.  How long can I wait, what do I do?

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Aside

I can’t wait to get my hands on him again….

29 Nov

My lover is getting back to himself.  Sending me sexy messages.  Telling me how he misses my kisses and being in my arms.  How he wants to wake up kiss me and play with my boobs. He misses sliding his cock into my wet pussy and cumming inside of me.  It all makes me so horny and miss him all the more.  He’s also sending me more pictures.  He is growing a beard after years of not being able to.  It means a lot to him.  Unusual yes but his quirkiness is one of the reasons why I love him so.  Now he is sending me a weekly beard update. 

I recently found out in February his wife, her sister and my lover are all going to visit a town about 45 minutes from my home.  We had been talking about how strange it will be for him to be so close but not be able to see each other.  On top of that it’s the town we visited together in July.  So many wonderful memories.  The evil side of me is excited that he will remember walking those same streets holding my hand and kissing on every street corner. 

The other night we were talking about how we don’t know when we’ll see each other again.  That’s when he told me that his sister in law was taking the trip with them.  So of course the evil comes out again.  I ask, can you send them shopping?  If you can get a couple hours alone I can come meet you.  He says yes right away doesn’t even think about it.  He now just needs to figure out if he can do it on a Thursday or Friday and I’ll be there.  I love visiting this city so even if I have to hang out and wait to get time with him I’ll have fun shopping or looking at art.  I’m so excited. 

When it piles up too high…..

28 Nov

Is it weird to be unhappy when things are going well?  Last night I started to straighten out my garage.  To describe it I would say it looks like hoarders lite.  I have a very small house and my garage is full of stuff.  Last night I decided at about 10 o’clock to put up the Halloween boxes up in the rafters and take down the X-mas goods.  To make room there had to be some cleaning done.  To my surprise my fiancé came out and helped.  He has been keeping the house tidy and keeping the kids busy.  There has been quite a change in him.  I think this might be due to him watching me leave Thanksgiving at 8 at night to go to work for minimum wage to make sure my boys have a Christmas and running water, but that’s just a guess. 

So as he’s cleaning we’re talking.  Things we uncover bring up fond memories and such.  We pause for a moment to smoke and I’m not busy enough to avoid looking into his eyes when we talk.  I can see him perk up.  I feel so bad now, I have all this guilt from the stuff I’m hiding from him and he’s happy to have me be nice.  It goes from talking to now he’s touching me.  Smacking my butt, pinching my sides with a little tickle.  He finds me cornered and says kiss me beautiful.  How could I not kiss him?

 I still have all these problems.  Even as we’re working he needs my direction to do anything.  It’s fully clear there are a million things to do I still don’t know why he cannot figure it out on his own.  The big man-child thing is just not sexy.  We ended up cleaning until 1:30am and afterwards going straight to bed.

So here I am again waffling.  I keep coming back to I can’t imagine a life with out him but I also can’t imagine a good life with him.  I need him to do something to change my perception or it’s gotta end.

Tell me about yourself award nomination….

26 Nov

I’ve received an award nomination! Mzklever very talented writer and fellow blogger has somehow come across my crazy rants and wants to me to share more.  I am flattered, honoured and totally willing to spill my guts. The way this works is I’m to give you seven bits of me and then share up toto 15 blogs enjoy reading. I hope this gives you a little more of a feel for who I am, without disclosing too much (remember it’s a secret).  I’ve really been enjoying her writings and hope to learn from her journey as I work on my own. 

I’m going to do this backwards.  I will first share with you the blogs I enjoy and then you can learn a bit more about me. 

 Blogs I am enjoying:  Small disclaimer, since I have to write and read in secret I don’t have a large list of favorite blogs to chose from.  I’ve come up short of the 15 but I will be happy to share my favorites and I hope they will share with us too.

Sexual Life of a Wife – A blog devoted to the super hot love life of a very horny wife and her satisfying husband.  

Lost in the Arms of Destiny – A wonderfully written tale of heartbreak.  She also includes moving poetry and intimate details of her life that make you want to give her a big hug.

 Black’s Jewels – Great inspiring insights that I really enjoy reading.

Confessions of Your Husband’s Mistress – Touching, heartbreaking but above all very well written.  I want so bad for her to be utterly happy.

 a blogger in turmoil – A man like me who is in an unsatsifying marriage and has had an affair.  Our situations are very different but strangely the same.

The Hook – He has two sites the Book of the Terrible and You’ve Been Hooked.  He is a talented writer and very entertaining.  I love his sence of humor.

The Ballad of Joey Flowers – I like his insights and how he’s over coming his tough situation.  Plus a lot of the music rocks!

2passion’s Blog –  He’s funny, he likes to have fun and longs for more excitement.  I am just getting into his work and I’m definitely enjoying it. 

Oh God, My Wife is German – Oh God, this guy is funny.  I love his stories, pictures and Denglish posts. 

All of Me – She has a wonderful naughty side and a great sense of humor.  I enjoy her posts and would love to know more about her. 

Sad Man’s Tongue Rockabilly Bar and Bistro – All things Rockabilly.  Great music and hot chicks.  Cool cars and some delicious looking grub. 

Life of Wonder – She recently found me and through her comments I’ve found her.  I’m enjoying her sence of humor and the way she writes about her wonderous life. 

Seven things about me:

1.)  Two days before my water broke I went to Ozzfest.  My little baby was rocking out to Hatebreed and Black Sabbath before he was even born.  The pictures are awesome, I’m huge!  The day after that I put the offer in on my house.  My water broke that night so I was finalizing the offer from my hospital room. 

2.) I nursed both my boys untill they were one year.  I would drive home for lunch just to feed them and I pumped in the computer room in my office.  It was a wonderful experience. 

3.) I’m a credit analyst for one of the big banks and a high school drop out.  I went to a few classes at our local J.C. but didn’t accomplish anything.  I still wonder if going to school would help me professionally, however I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. 

4.) My Dad and I learned country western dancing together.  We learned line dances and couples dances.  We’d go out and dance with others.  It was great fun even though I’d never turn my radio dial to country I could appreciate some of it. He bought me a black cowboy hat to wear for the occasions.  I was probably about 14ish at the time.

5.) When I found out I was pregnant with baby number two I was hoping to have a little girl.  When the time came time to find out the sex of the baby my fiancé and my son who was about 26months were both in the room.  They announced it’s a girl and I started to cry a little and my son started to cry a lot.  My fiancé took him out of the room, he was just being fussy, maybe he  needed a diaper change.  While the technician was finishing the baby moved.  It was now clear that she was a he.  She printed out a picture of my little guy.  She used the computer to draw a circle around his manhood and put a little arrow pointing to it with the word boy next to the arrow.  When I got out my fiancé was on the phone with his Mom just about to announce that our baby was a girl.  I put the picture in front of his face just in time for him give his Mom the correct news.  At first I was a bit heartbroken that I wasn’t having the little girl I wanted but overtime I started to realize I was a horrible nightmare for my Mom and if my little girl were anything like me I might be in over my head. 

6.) I was working at a store in the mall when I was maybe 16 and it was Christmas time. It was a locally owned Nature store with telescopes, books, wind chimes, bird feeders, toys, rocks and tons of other hippy earthy stuff.  I had forgotten that I had to work that day and took some Acid with my friends.  I didn’t want to call in sick and leave my co-workers hanging so I came in and helped.  It was a madd house Christmas rush style.  No one ever mentioned or asked if I was high so I must have done OK.  What I remember most vividly from that trip is wrapping the Christmas presents.  As each item I wrapped beamed with patterns and colors. I got the idea in my head that I was wrapping my hallucinations into the packages.  That on Christmas morning the families would unleash the patterns and movement that I was seeing as I wrapped the stuff. 

7.) At my current job I am the good girl.  We work with a colorful bunch of clients so there is dirty jokes, crazy stories and cussing that go on constantly.  Every client is surprised when my boss tells them I could drink them under the table.  When I let out a swear word I get congratulated by my customers.  My co-workers know but my clients are always delighted to find out that I’m not the librarian type they assume I am.

Spinning….

22 Nov

Wow, to say I was not prepared was an understatement. Things went from I’m sure I need to get rid of this asshole to I can’t believe I’m breaking his heart like this. He recently freaked out a little from our discussions and my night out.  Where to start?  Well my fiancé has been fighting for my affections.  When I say fighting, I mean yelling and arguing that I should be more loving and affectionate.  Not a turn on. 

 I’ve opened the door to what would make me a more affectionate loving girl: 

  • Not yell at me about such things,
  • Make more of an effort around the house (he is a stay at home dad) and if he cannot do very much be aware of it and possibly be apologetic.
  • Be attentive to our money situation and contribute. 

He fought me on all of those points.  I’m no perfect angel but in my opinion, I’m worth keeping around.  Where do you find a pretty, hard working girl to support your lazy ass these days?  If you know tell me so I can ask her out on a date. 

From there the fighting ensued.  Then it broke.  He organized a bureau and dusted the TV. I cleaned the bathrooms, mopped, cooked, laundry, kids’ rooms and the kitchen.  You know what things looked good but there is still more to do. 

He then lost his fight and became mopey.  I fixed some dinner while he spent his time in the garage or in our room.  At dinner it got weird.  My son was not eating food and being a bit mouthy.  My fiancé tells him to respect his mom.  That he’s not sure if he’ll be around to remind him so he has to learn it now.  He’s now looking at us and tearing up.  Talking about how he’s going to end up like my Dad.  That he will become an afterthought for the holidays.  That I’ll be too busy trying to impress my new family to care about him. 

I’m now noticing his eyes are very red and they are not moving in sync.  He’s falling asleep while chewing, OMG!  I ask if he just took his pills, he said he took three. His pupils are pinpoints.  He starts to ramble about how much he loves us all that we are everything to him.  I know I’ve complained and vilified him but now I just feel so sorry for him.  I feel bad for what I’ve done, what I’m doing, what I think I have to do.  When he is fighting me I forget he’s damaged goods with a poor skill set.  I’m apparently not equipped to help him grow.  I’m not a get help kinda girl. I keep thinking he should be able to do it himself but what if he can’t.  I’m currently not able to afford therapy for him and I wonder if that will just turn me into the villain.  

 I was so not ready for the sad part.  I was bracing for the mad part.  He looks like a kicked puppy.  Before this weekend I was so sure of what I have to do, now it’s fuzzy again.

 

Longing….

21 Nov

I have not spoken to Tom as much as I would like.  We keep missing each other.  I’m not going on my nightly walks he’s going to bed early.  Before we were so in sync.  Our lunches matched.  He’d get off work late and I’d go out to talk to him now it’s a train wreck. 

When we do get to talk I have very little positive stuff to talk about.  I mostly get him talking and listen to his normal everyday stuff.  I love the sound of his voice.  When he asks me how it’s going for me I try to give him the light version.  He’s always so sweet and says how he wishes he could make it better for me.  I let him know it would be nice but I’d never expect that from him.  That it’s my mess and I’ve got it covered.  What I do wish he could give me is a night in his arms.  I need to be held I need a good fuck.  I want to kiss him. 

It starts with a night out…..

21 Nov

It’s starting to get weird.  We still have been on odd terms.  Nitpicking  each other over chores and money.  His crying the blues that we aren’t having sex.  We still have not made any plans to improve the situation since neither one of us will taken enough blame to satisfy the other. 

I worked Friday from 9am to 10:30pm between both jobs.  I only saw my boys in the morning.  When I got home they were already a sleep.  Saturday I took the boys out for a hike.  We climbed and ran.  Collected fall leaves and had a picnic in the forest.  We checked out mushrooms and mossy rocks.  We had a great time.  They got home and had a good long nap.

That night my coworker was meeting one of our clients for cocktails.  I don’t get to go out much on my own especially since I don’t have many girlfriends.  I was excited to go.  He didn’t argue with me going out.  He always asks when I will get home (I never ask him).  It was a client I have not hung out with before and my coworkers sitter couldn’t stay late so I told him I thought it would be an early night.

We went out and had a cocktail or two at a local Mexican resteraunt.  My client was a lot of fun.  When my coworker left she and I went out to a brew pub and had a pint and checked out a cover band playing music from our highschool days.  It was a nice time.  We made plans to go out again some time,  maybe even catch a show.  I had texted my fiancé that I would be finishing my beer and leaving soon. 

I had to grab some milk and such from the supermarket.  It was very cold out my trunk was like a freezer, so I went out to get one more beer after the market.  I went to my old local hang out.  I spent every Tuesday and Sunday there for a long while maybe 7 or 8 years ago.  While the crowd was not the same the bartender was.  I sat on my own and had a pint of Guinness. 

Eventually I struck up a conversation with the old couple next to me.  Then I met a man who was enchanted with me when I went out to smoke.  I blew him off but it’s always good for the ego.  It was karaoke night so there were quite a few characters out.  The singing was bad but it was entertaining.  I met a transgender girl who used to work at a topless resteraunt in Houston, TX.  Then the fella two chairs over flagged me down and we started chatting.  He insisted on buying me one more beer.  Cute guy ex military covered in ink and worked with a large shipping company.  The woman I was talking to earlier says the guy across the bar has been stairing at you all night.  She asked if I was interested in him.  I told her I’m not really interested in anybody, not wanting to get into a longer story.  She then say the guy next to me and said oh, he’s much cuter. 

By this time my fiancé is texting me and I forgot my original text that I would be home soon.  It’s 1am and he wants fast food.  I tell him I will bring it, sorry I’m late and go to leave.  I have one more smoke before taking off and start off a conversation with a large amature comedian that was fucking funny.  I spent a little more time than I should have talking to him but it was fun.

I got home shortly after with the groceries and fast food.  Catching an earful from my fiancé about how I’m bad with my phone.  Got drilled about my where abouts and why I didn’t answer my phone.  Honestly I didn’t hear the phone calls but I did respond to the texts.  I hate talking to him when he’s already riled up so I just avoided the whole situation. 

All and all I had a good time.  I wish it didn’t rock the boat at home but it seems to be the price of me going out solo.