Thoughts from the metaphorical couch…..

15 Mar

I have a dialogue going on with a person who is almost a therapist.  She is a fellow blogger and has been asking me some questions to help me understand why I am so stuck.  Honestly I might be too stubborn to get on the right track but I’m trying not to fight it. 

She had asked me a question that triggered some other stuff for me.  Stuff that has come out in my writings and then came out my mouth.  She asked how I really feel about what Tom is doing.  She said that he doesn’t truly love me that he’s quite possibly a sex addict. 

So how do I feel…..

When we started talking I really felt the need to get out why I’m doing this to my fiancé.  Honestly the amount of hurt it would cause was something that even though I wasn’t happy with him was a huge concern for me.  I would try to find out why he could do it to his wife.  I would ask how the guilt didn’t eat at him and he said how he could keep things separate.  I wasn’t incredibly keen to it but I wondered if there was more to the story and heck we were just talking on the phone 700 miles apart from each other how much trouble is that anyway?

He has mentioned before little things.  Like that he doesn’t like to be arround the same people too much and that his wife seems to keep a separate life a bit.  Even separate bills and accounts.  Strange to me but maybe not to strange to people that have been through divorces and even that have become adults without their partner with them.  Once he did say that he didn’t want to attend a family function with his wife and that struck me wrong.  I would expect him to do do it for me so maybe I’ve thrown my heart the wrong direction. 

As the time has passed from when we started talking to now my overwhelming desire to live with him has faded into reality.  Knowing we’ll probably never be together I’ve been able to relax.  Not question how he can do this to a wife he seems to have no issues with.  He still is a fun, amazing interesting person that I would love to spend more time with but if he were to show up one day and say, “Hi let’s get married.”  I would be a little scared.

Would he cheat on me, would I be too clingey for him, would his conservative (I use the term loosely) ways be a bummer for me?  So many what if’s that I don’t see myself ever having to deal with but surely if I’m getting in this deep I should be ready for the possibly.

So all this swirling in my head while we were talking.  I think his wife had come up and or maybe the trip to the City where I stalked him.  I told him that I thought I was OK with him not breaking away to kiss me but it sort of hurt.  That I would have found a way.  Of course he didn’t even have to defend himself I did it for him, saying I know how careful he is and that I couldn’t expect him to risk his good life and his nice wife.  That lead me to how I feel guilty that by continuing on with him I’m part of risking their marriage and her feelings.  She seems like such a nice girl and from here I would guess she would be devastated to know her devoted hard working husband was cheating on her.  I told him I justify it by knowing if it wasn’t me it would be someone else but should I be part of this.  I said maybe it would be best if I let him go.  I finally let him talk and he said please don’t, don’t let me go.  Telling me how special it is between us and that he is enjoying it very much.  Even with all the bad and confusion and longing I’m enjoying him too.

Maybe I’m a bad person, maybe I’m a weak person and I know for sure I’m prone to fantasy.  My rose colored glasses make everything appear brighter with the exception of my self and seeing through the bullshit at work.  I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse.  Loyal to a fault but maybe for the wrong reasons.  I hope one day I’ll find out.  Maybe answering these hard questions as honestly as possible will help.  I just hope I don’t take too many people down with me.

10 Responses to “Thoughts from the metaphorical couch…..”

  1. thewhitetrashgourmet March 15, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

    You are doing good work here. Getting it all out is healthy and questioning yourself and your motivations (along with Tom’s) is a great step. There comes a point where you have to be a bit selfish and look out for your own happiness. A good friend once told me life isn’t a dress rehearsal, you only get one chance. If you aren’t happy do everything in your power to find what makes you happy. If not you will end up with so much regret and resentment that it will be hard not to become bitter.


    • terriblytorn13 March 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

      I never had many regrets or resenment untill recently. I think you’re on to something here.

  2. sexuallifeofawife March 17, 2012 at 10:25 am #

    Good that you are asking these questions – the answers will hopefully help you to work out the right way to go…

    • terriblytorn13 March 19, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

      I’m always looking for a sign. Maybe I’ve missed it but I’ll keep checking.

  3. LiesHurtMySanity March 19, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

    Enjoy your togetherness as long as it lasts. Who says a deep, meaningful fling is impossible?

    • terriblytorn13 March 19, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

      I like the way you think Lies. I’m in total agreement.

  4. confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress March 19, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

    Questions are a bitch aren’t they? Those probing thoughts that bring up things you’d rather keep supressed. Ugghh. From where I sit, the best questions are about yourself and what you want to get out of the relationships. Hard to answer the questions for Tom and your fiance.

    • terriblytorn13 March 20, 2012 at 11:33 am #

      That is very true. I can’t answer for anyone else. Trying to read their minds is a bad thing to get caught up in. Right now I just want a real dependable partner (maybe even a partner in crime).

  5. The Hook March 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    So what if you’re occasionally bad and weak?
    Who isn’t?

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