29 Jan

I just finished listening to a chapter in the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad To Stay.  This chapter was called RESPECT.  Like all the chapters I teeter from one side to the other thinking how bad my fiance is and what good he does have.  I take care of the bills, I earn the income, I handle most of the housework, plan anything that is more complicated than a night out and the list goes on.  He doesn’t really give me the respect I deserve for these things.  He will sometimes say that he appreciates what I do when it’s happening but when we are discussing an issue what I do and what he does are equal in his eyes.  At least that is the impression I get. 

The author talked about respect for your partner at the end of the chapter.  I think that is where it really hit home.  She talked about people not living up to the expectations that you had for them.  She asked that we evaluate what we respect about our partners.  For me it was his compassion for others, he is generally a good friend.  I’ve refered to him as my social planner for years as he is the one to make our plans or get people coming over for a party.  He is a very loving and involved parent.  His cooking is amazing.  I started thinking about all this and while it sounds fine and good I’m adding up that he has the fun list.  Anything real world or complicated falls on my shoulders. 

After thinking about all this I thought of how replaceable he is.  The bottom line is I keep him because I haven’t created my own social life and I’m very attached to him and the memories and history we have together.  Without those things would I truly want this person in my life.  It all seems to be pointing to no.  Before you read this and say she’s finally got it let me explain….

I’ve been doing all this separate from him. I’ve said to him that I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine life without him.  I’ve brought up that I feel under valued, that I think he needs to contribute to the finances and housework and I’ve even told him that he doesn’t turn me on.  Even with all this said we haven’t talked about changing things.  I’d like to at least give that a shot.  He is always telling me what he can’t do and we need to talk about what he can do and what he’s willing to do.  Honestly it’s a hard conversation and I’ve felt like we going in the right direction and I’ve bailed on it before.  We’re both miserable, this needs to change and the longer I wait the harder it gets.

10 Responses to “RESPECT….”

  1. BimodalTendancies January 29, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

    “…we need to talk about what he can do and what he’s willing to do.”

    Oh my dear lord, I love you.

    This is absolutely right. Before anything can ever be fixed, you have to stop focusing on what doesn’t work anymore, and find a way to change those things. This is something Ashley and I have been discussing for a while now, and I am super proud of you for recognizing it!!!

    • terriblytorn13 January 29, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

      I appreciate the sentiment but the fact I still haven’t started the talks is the real disappointment. Lazy or gutless I’m not sure which. I hope you and Ashley make progress (if that is what you want) she does seem to be so dear to you.

  2. justhh January 30, 2012 at 9:03 am #

    I hope you can sort things out, my ex and I kept on coming back to the same conversation over and over again. In the end he said he couldn’t change. I feel it is not about change but about developing as a couple. Good luck x

    • terriblytorn13 January 31, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

      I’m having trouble getting the conversation started but I get the feeling it will be the same one. I don’t know if he’ll be able to tell me he can’t change. It sounds like you two had a real breakthrough by having him admit that your needs were no longer a match to the abilities’.
      Thank you for your comment.

  3. sexuallifeofawife January 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm #

    Fantastic that the book is really helping! Talking is def the first step to change – whatever that may be…

    • terriblytorn13 January 31, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

      It is, I’m glad he sugested it. Still I waffel back and forth but at least I have some real things to focus my thoughts on.

  4. The Hook January 30, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

    You’re on the right path, young lady! Keep moving forward!

  5. confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress February 1, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    I admire how much effort you are putting into the relationship. It’s such hard work. Keep it up!

    • terriblytorn13 February 1, 2012 at 11:31 am #

      Thank you, I’m ashamed to say it’s been one sided so far. I’ve only been able to get out a little of the problem and talk a little about how to fix it. We’ve discussed nothing about expectations and what his are.
      As always a work in progress.

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