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Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

Can things change?….

19 Feb

We’ve started to open up a little.  He says we’ve got a bond in blood and he wants to keep our family together.  He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he loves me with all of his heart.  That I’m sexy, smart and amazing.

He knows I’m not happy and I want him to do more.  He sees that I’m sad, disconnected and stressed.  We discussed again that I need his help and not that I want him to do what he is unable to do but I want him to do what he can.  

 He keeps getting stuck on that I want him to work and don’t care about his injury.  I remind him I just want him to contribute. Whether he can find a job that can suit his physical limitations, get disability, start an E-bay store or find a work at home prospect anything that shows he is trying will help.  I remind him that I’m ticked off more because even before he was injured he wouldn’t look for a night job as his unemployment ran out.

We started talking about how he makes me feel.  That when I leave the house at night that I need to be in frequent contact with him.  He tells me how do I know you’re not whoring arround.  Sticky question for me now, right?  I tell him that all these years I’ve been faithful that shouldn’t that earn me the freedom not to have to talk to him every hour. I don’t ask that from him.  This opened the door for him to bring up my youth.  Telling me that I whored arround with 60 men before I was 17 and that I fucked a guy I knew for a week after we broke up.  Both of which were wrong (I had just wrote a bit about it in this post).  It also made me think of another post I need to write but I’ll save that for another time.

We got past that and went into name calling.  Recently at a dinner where well he was being less than desirable dinner company he complained that he is always the last person eating.  He has said a couple of things about himself in the recent past that he has a small mouth and a large gut, not both in the same sentence but he has said it.  So, my smart ass said he’s the last one to finish his meal it might be because of his small mouth and large gut he was terribly offended. Looking back I understand and feel bad about it (I’m far from perfect).  So we were talking about how he was calling me a cunt and fucking bitch when he was yelling at me the other day and he compared it to when I said the small mouth large gut thing.  It took a good 15 minutes to help him understand the difference between using words that have no other purpose than to hurt some one than using something that is off color but could be taken in stride since it’s something you’ve said about yourself.  Again I apologised and said it was wrong of me to have said what I said.  I think he said he was sorry too, he said he just gets so angry and that is the only way he can express himself.

Then he went into how the young me would be very disappointed in the current me.  To which I had to disagree. I’ve always been ambitious and resourceful.  If you think about the young me, doing drugs, stealing cars and stuff, working in the mall, my plan for the future was to rob a few banks and move to Canada, then yes the old me would be like, “Why are you working for the man and there is way too little sex, drugs and rock and roll going on here.”.  I told him I’m proud of myself and I wish you would be too.  He tells me there is nothing he would change. He is so happy to have the boys.  I ask are you proud of yourself and he goes, “Yes, I’m not a crack head, I’ve never been locked up, I’m not homeless, I don’t beat you or the kids we have our own house and great boys.”  Good lord he has succeeded because he’s not a crack head.  I guess I should have seen this coming but when you’re aspirations are to rob banks and move to Canada (pronounced by us as Can-a-Duh-Duh-Duh) not being homeless or in jail is pretty awesome.

The people from pain management had him see a counselor.  Where he told them that his injury and pain was effecting our relationship.  The big box healthcare provided offered him meds which he declined since he takes maybe 10 or so different kinds of medication a day he didn’t want to risk a bad chemical reaction.  He told me how miserable he is.  How he has thought of killing himself though he would never do it.  That the words I said to him ring in his ears, how I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine a life without him and that he doesn’t do it for me any more. 

I was as encouraging as I could be.  We talked about going to counseling.  He wants to try to do better.  I remind him that I don’t expect it to all happen at once but I need to see that he’s trying.  That he cares about making things better together and he’s nice to me and the boys.  Now I need to find a counselor that I can afford and line up child care for when we go.

What a Christmas….

28 Dec

What a whirlwind of holiday fun.  I had taken last week off my day job and was only working nights at the toy store.  I had a great time hanging with my kids and my fiancé was being more of a help than usual.  Just like always I was tight on funds and had to do the bulk of my Christmas shopping on the 23rd when my paycheck came.  I’m not sure what my fiancé was up too that night because I was too caught up in baking.  I made a late night trip to the supermarket and did a good amount of the wrapping with him while we put Dexter on the tube. 

Christmas eve I worked untill about 5:30pm.  The boys and my fiancé delivered the cookies to our neighbors. To my surprise I came home to a clean house!  I thanked him and we were off to my Aunt and Uncles for dinner and cocktails.  I was planning on doing some drinking then finishing up all the Christmas stuff.  Well things got off track.  The boys and I had a great time at my family’s home.  I was taking shots with my Uncle and got a bit tipsy.  My Mom (also drinking) started to grill my fiancé. Basicaly giving him a hard time about the stresses that get put on me.  Well that put him in a bad mood and he wanted to go while I wanted to stay.  I’m guessing we left at about 11ish.  Things got fuzzy because, well I was drunk. 

At home I put the boys down and was snuggling them.  I might have dozed off in the chair where I read them their stories.  I remember my fiancé giving me shit about this.  I was offended so went to my room and looked up some info on my smart phone for tomorrows dinner that I would be cooking.  I again dozed off.  I don’t remember what happened but I think he stated talking shit about my Mom who I defended.  He kept going so I started in on his whole family.  Tacky I know but this always happens he starts in on my family and won’t quit untill I go to far talking about his. 

Now I’m in no mood to be around him,  I text my lover something about being drunk, miserable and that I’m looking forward to getting drunk again tomorrow.  Then a half an hour later maybe 1:30am-ish.  I text him again Merry Christmas and I love him.  Then I’m back out again.

I woke up at 6am in a panic.  I had wrapping and stockings and food to prepare and I failed it all.  I ran out to see that my fiancé had done it all (except the food stuff).  He was so upset with me he had not tried to wake me up to help after our last fight. Part of me was so relived but the guilt was so heavy on me that I had trouble sleeping. 

Everything went well.  The boys had a great time opening gifts, I got the food prepped in the morning.  My Dad and his girlfriend came over brining even more gifts for the boys.  We were over an hour late to my Mom’s where the rest of the family was waiting.  It worked out anyway and  brunch was awesome. 

 I felt a little bad because my fiancé only got a BBQ sauce kit from my Mom and StepDad.  I understood why, but it sucked to know his heart would hurt because of all this.  I also didn’t wrap his gift from me and the last-minute gift I got for the boys to give to him.  I was also supposed to wrap the gifts his Mom had mailed and I didn’t but he wrapped the Fed Ex bags so there was still a surprise for him. 

That night I handled all the cooking.  Dinner wasn’t perfect but it was still tasty.  Friends came over for cocktails. We stayed up late and drank and partied.  I’m really glad the friends came over. 

No matter how much my fiancé drives me crazy and makes my life harder than it has to be I still don’t want his heart to hurt on Christmas.  We did our best to have a nice day and night.  I think it worked out OK.  With him being the hero and setting up Christmas I’m sure I won’t hear the end of how selfish I am for not holding up my end but at least he will have the pride of knowing he pulled it off all by himself.  That’s gotta count for something.     

Hopefully this will be the last year I go into the season unprepared but I think I say that every year.  At least I got the decorating done early.

Holiday Hodgepodge…..

17 Dec

Ah the holidays, I love the spirit of the holidays.  I’ve got my house covered in lights and large inflatable holiday characters in my yard.  The tree has been up and I’ve started baking with a little help from my boys.  I want them to have a great Christmas and I think I can pull it off.  They are so excited.  My major regret with them is due to my hectic work schedule I have not gotten to take them to any tree lightnings or holiday events.  Maybe I can find something to cram in this coming week.

Things with my fiancé are miserable.  He’s weepy often and constantly sick or in pain.  His need for my affections has put me in a corner.  I blurted out that he doesn’t do it for me right now.  In the argument that followed he asked if I was just holding out to tell him to leave after the holidays.  I told him again that I can’t imagine a life without him but I can’t see a good life with him.  I let him know maybe he can change my mind but from here it doesn’t look so good.  I had just worked all night got a nap and went back to work so I was tired, sore and sick.  He saw how miserable I was and came to me while I was laying in bed with the boys watching Frosty the Snowman and gave me a rub down.  I felt guilty taking it was so nice. 

I found out this week I won’t get the new title that comes with a little raise.  My manager will give it another go but they don’t know why I didn’t make the list.  It might be a corporate thing. Who knows?  I was looking forward to a little relief, but oh well.  The boys had gotten colds that turned into ear infections and even with health insurance it cost a pretty penny.  My fiancé had to pick up five medications that cost even more than usual.  My car battery finally gave out.  On top of all that I have been fighting with my mortgage company for a while now about a payment they misapplied and now they’ve sent a foreclosure notice.  I’m not concerned that I’ll lose my home, we are no where close to that, however I can’t believe they would go to that extreme over this little issue.  I again am in contact with the bank to correct this but I know its going to be a battle and I’m not looking forward to the time it will suck out of my life. 

…….and then there’s Tom.  I miss him and wish he could hold me and tell me it will be OK.  I’m so wrapped up in everything that I’m loosing that closeness we used to have.  We talk mostly when he calls me at my office.  I can talk but I can’t be open and there are somethings I can’t say.  I’m starting to wonder what we have.  Some days I feel like he’s tired of me and some days he makes me feel so special that I feel silly that I’d even thought that.  Right now he feels like something I can never have.  A huge part of my pull towards him is what a good partner he would make and I can’t see us being together.  It muddies the waters for me.  I still lust for him, I still get butterflies when we talk but something is changing and I can’t put my finger on it yet.

I want to thank you all for reading and thank you for your comments.    Things are crazy and I’m short on time so I   probably won’t write untill the last few days of the month or maybe not untill 2012.  I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday season.  Wishing the best to you and your families. 

The second best thing in my life….

7 Dec

Of course the first best thing is my kids and biological family (parents, brother, cousins). As my home life is in shambles my work life continues to shine. It’s my number two.  The deuce that I never want to drop. If I can hold down the fort while this storm beats on me from everywhere else I might just be on the right track. I’ve mentioned before I love my job. I have just the right combination of personal contact and nerdy number crunching. On top of that there is a lot of flexibility and room for free thinking. I’m not in the kind of banking that you would think of when you say banker.

So for fun I will share my recent excitements.  I recently got number one in the company for my position!  I’ve ranked in the top ten seven months this year!  I got employee of the month for the second time this year (funny both were the months I took time off to be with Tom). We do social events with our clients so we are going to have more boxes at baseball and football games and we will be doing more cocktail hours.  Free booze and entertainment, count me in!  The office manager got four great tickets for Roger Waters doing the Wall a show coming up in the spring.  He’s taking me and we will find two clients to come with us, sweet! 

Side note I’m telling my fiancé this stuff.  He brings up the last football game I went to with my boss and ten clients.  We had a luxury box and it was great!  He brought up how some people on face book said going to a game like that without him should be grounds for divorce.  Then he got mad about the future events saying we should be building memory’s not me and my boss.  I remind him it’s part of my job.  I need to build rapport with my clients and support my office.  He scoffs at my job.  I remind him I’m nothing special I was a fucking collector and was 2nd pick for the job I have now.  I fucked up for two years untill someone showed me the way.  The key was I stuck with it.  I took a little luck and ran with it.  He just got more irritated.

 

So I’m writing this because I just got out of a one on one meeting with my branch manager.  He reminds me to try to lead my peers, review the data and make plans for my office and that I’m getting ready to take my managers spot when he leaves.  They are trying to get me a little raise.  He says to me that I could make a great credit manager and what’s to stop me from taking his job as a branch manager one day.  That I could stay in this very expensive place to live and have a good life for my family.  He knows just how to bait his employees, that is one of the reasons he’s so good. 

We’ll I’m baited I’m ready and I have to keep pushing no matter what kinda of bull shit I have to deal with outside of this place.   

Well maybe I am…..

6 Dec

Am I shallow or will more money help? I work in banking but I feel like my finances are out of control. I don’t feel like I have too many extras but maybe the cable TV has to go all together. Two smart phones, maybe that’s a little more than we should have. I’ve started putting my oldest son in a preschool type program and that is stretching me out, but I believe it’s important for him so I have to make room for it. When I try to figure out a budget I get dizzy. How much should I allot for food, gas, meds, household stuff. Now do I have anything left to save for home and auto repairs. Shit, I need a bigger more reliable vehicle but I can’t see how a car payment can fit into my life. How do others do it? What am I missing?

Mzklever recently posted that I should seek a good therapist for my emotional and mental needs maybe I also need to reach out to someone to help me make a plan to manage my bills. I work for a freaking bank you would think there would be someone that can help with that.

When I argue with my fiancé about money he tells me I’m shallow but when I have to worry about how can I afford tires, a roof, why are my floor boards curling (freaky right?), windows, rotten door frame, landscaping not to mention clothes that don’t look ragged, shoes without holes, a freaking vacation and now maybe a therapist….. is that shallow or is that building a decent life?

I have written down our financial situation and asked for his help. He’s more lost than I am. I have begged him to contribute and he has earned $20 here and $20 there fixing friends computers. He has also let himself take up smoking again after being only a social smoker for the last five years or so. I wonder if it’s the new meds. I know I like to smoke when I’m high. It’s pain relief but he’s got to be high.

I guess I need to consider getting some help from a few new souces this New Year.
1) Therapist
2) Financial planner

3) Your advice

OK ready set go…

It starts with a night out…..

21 Nov

It’s starting to get weird.  We still have been on odd terms.  Nitpicking  each other over chores and money.  His crying the blues that we aren’t having sex.  We still have not made any plans to improve the situation since neither one of us will taken enough blame to satisfy the other. 

I worked Friday from 9am to 10:30pm between both jobs.  I only saw my boys in the morning.  When I got home they were already a sleep.  Saturday I took the boys out for a hike.  We climbed and ran.  Collected fall leaves and had a picnic in the forest.  We checked out mushrooms and mossy rocks.  We had a great time.  They got home and had a good long nap.

That night my coworker was meeting one of our clients for cocktails.  I don’t get to go out much on my own especially since I don’t have many girlfriends.  I was excited to go.  He didn’t argue with me going out.  He always asks when I will get home (I never ask him).  It was a client I have not hung out with before and my coworkers sitter couldn’t stay late so I told him I thought it would be an early night.

We went out and had a cocktail or two at a local Mexican resteraunt.  My client was a lot of fun.  When my coworker left she and I went out to a brew pub and had a pint and checked out a cover band playing music from our highschool days.  It was a nice time.  We made plans to go out again some time,  maybe even catch a show.  I had texted my fiancé that I would be finishing my beer and leaving soon. 

I had to grab some milk and such from the supermarket.  It was very cold out my trunk was like a freezer, so I went out to get one more beer after the market.  I went to my old local hang out.  I spent every Tuesday and Sunday there for a long while maybe 7 or 8 years ago.  While the crowd was not the same the bartender was.  I sat on my own and had a pint of Guinness. 

Eventually I struck up a conversation with the old couple next to me.  Then I met a man who was enchanted with me when I went out to smoke.  I blew him off but it’s always good for the ego.  It was karaoke night so there were quite a few characters out.  The singing was bad but it was entertaining.  I met a transgender girl who used to work at a topless resteraunt in Houston, TX.  Then the fella two chairs over flagged me down and we started chatting.  He insisted on buying me one more beer.  Cute guy ex military covered in ink and worked with a large shipping company.  The woman I was talking to earlier says the guy across the bar has been stairing at you all night.  She asked if I was interested in him.  I told her I’m not really interested in anybody, not wanting to get into a longer story.  She then say the guy next to me and said oh, he’s much cuter. 

By this time my fiancé is texting me and I forgot my original text that I would be home soon.  It’s 1am and he wants fast food.  I tell him I will bring it, sorry I’m late and go to leave.  I have one more smoke before taking off and start off a conversation with a large amature comedian that was fucking funny.  I spent a little more time than I should have talking to him but it was fun.

I got home shortly after with the groceries and fast food.  Catching an earful from my fiancé about how I’m bad with my phone.  Got drilled about my where abouts and why I didn’t answer my phone.  Honestly I didn’t hear the phone calls but I did respond to the texts.  I hate talking to him when he’s already riled up so I just avoided the whole situation. 

All and all I had a good time.  I wish it didn’t rock the boat at home but it seems to be the price of me going out solo.