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Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

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Holding back tears….

24 Oct

Coming out to this trip I had planned to pour my heart out to Tom.  How I want him in my life for real.  How that feeling brings tears to my eyes often.  That I wonder about his life with his wife.  How can some one I know as very sexual be with someone who is not?  Was she ever his one and only?  Does he see himself with her forever?  I also wanted to talk about me.  How I have so much that I need to fix in my life.  That even though I love him and love being with him it distracts me from what I need to take care of.  I’m having trouble keeping myself from being depressed that I can’t be with him.  I’m constantly comparing my fiancé to Tom and he just doesn’t measure up.  I could go on and on with no good solution.  I just keep thinking I need to talk to him less, but I can’t say it.

As we drive back to town and the airport I keep looking out the window.  My eyes filling up with tears.  I don’t know how to say anything.  I keep reciting the names of my stores and their owners in my head trying to keep my mind straight and my eyes dry.  I finally can say there is something I’ve been wanting to say to you.  He looks at me with concern in his eyes, turns off the stereo.  I tell him sometimes after we’re together or after talking to him I’m sad.  How I want to be with him and I miss him.  Even though I know it’s not right for me to want what I want, I do.  That when he said to me he feels like he doesn’t have to worry that I would want us to leave our spouses to be together, I felt the urge to yell,  “I do want that”, but I know it’s not possible.  That I couldn’t expect that from him but I want it none the less. 

He told me about a girl he used to see.  She didn’t have kids but she had a boyfriend that she didn’t leave but she would run away with him for a week here and there but always go back home.  That her boyfriend would treat her bad afterwards.  Tom said he finally had to tell her he didn’t want to be with her anymore so she wouldn’t put herself through the pain any longer. 

I really didn’t get anything out about me other than my life is fucked up right now.  We kissed at the next light and he played some funny podcast from NPR.  We went back to talking effortlessly.  I asked him to stop for breakfast with me and he did.  He only ordered some fries thinking that when he got home his wife would want to eat and it would be weird if he was full.  I ate my omelet way to fast, I was nervous.  I “showered up” in the bathroom.  We left and hopped into his truck and it didn’t start.  I found someone to give us a jump and helped push the truck back into an empty parking space.  I tried not to cry on my way to the airport.  We kissed and embraced desperately before I walked inside not knowing when I’ll see him again.

Riding Dirty…..

17 Oct

I had mentioned earlier how I feel like I don’t fit in at work conferences. Well of course I fit right in.  I had a great time.  Class went very well.  The food was good.  I closed the bar down every night and was up early and bright eyed for class.  One night 5 of us went out to a sports bar after class and drank.  We had been joking arround about signing karaoke then lo and behold it was karaoke night at the bar.  The other girl kept talking about singing I offered to go with her.  When it was clear she was not in to do it I had to make it happen.  Too much lip service to something that doesn’t get done drives me crazy.  Since they didn’t have any Pantera I chose Black Sabbath “War Pigs”.  I had a great time screaming out the song.  My group gave me a great applause.  Even though I throughly butchered the song I felt good because I made it happen.  We rode dirty back to the hotel.  I say that because the sweet little thing from a midwest branch was bumping some of the nastiest rap I’ve ever heard.  There were four of us in the back (one guy laying across all of our laps) and a big fella and the sweet little thing on his lap in the front.  She played the classic song “Gin and Juice” by Snoop Dog and we all sang along.  It was a great night. 

On the flip side the contact with my fiancé started decline with each conversation.  He was stressed out.  The boys were trying his patience and his body was bothering him.  Saying things to me like have a good time, sarcastically.  Telling my I shouldn’t go out, that I’m a sloppy drunk.  That men and women are held to different standards.  By Wednesday he was calling me names and just being mean.  Strangely perfect timing.  I hung up on him and texted back my own nastiness.  I used his poor demeanor for the reason why I was not in contact other than to tell the boys good night and that I love them.  I know it all seems so horrible but it worked.  Plus if you can count on someone to be mean to you what is really going on anyway?

State of the homefront a day before my departure…..

9 Oct

My fiancé has been extra nice to me as of late.  He also has been agonizing about how hard it will be for him to be without me for five days.  The boys are very rambunctious right now. The little one is very opinionated even defiant at times. 

My fiancé looked at me pitifully yesterday and said his knee still hurt and he was up to 12 pills.  Granted he said that at 6pm but it really freaks me out.  He said he is worried about being alone because what will happen if he has a seizure or passes out (which he has never done by the way).  I think he knows just how to play me.  I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it, but when he senses that I’m becoming distant or going to go somewhere he becomes rather nice and pitiful.  

We are very low on money but all of the families needs are met so it’s not a major concern, however when I go out of town he likes to spend for entertainment to fill in the void.  Going out to the movies, going out to eat, new toys, etcetera.  Last night my Dad came over for dinner.  He has been having terrible financial trouble.  He just got caught up and has a little extra. He has been doing side work, but still has no reliable income. Even so he always wants to help.  He knows we are tight and offers us money asking how many hundreds we need.  I want him to save the money.  My fiancé has made some silly purchases lately (one is buying a broken X box trying to fix it with pennies and a couple of towels), so I tell my Dad we’ll make do.  My fiancé chimes in that we will take what ever he will give.  Knowing I’m now in a pickle I say maybe we can borrow $100 untill my next pay day.  That way they can afford to go out to dinner one of the nights I am away.  It’s so embarrassing, my Dad is always so nice and friendly with my fiancé.  I just don’t understand how he can feel ok about taking when he knows the situation. 

So tonight I pack.  I’ll coordinate for my family and some friends to visit my family while I’m away to break up my fince’s house husband monotony.  Maybe then he’ll stay off my case.  I still have not told him I don’t land back at the airport untill 7pm on Saturday meaning I won’t be home untill almost 9pm.  He will flip out.  I think if I start the fight while I’m away not being in much contact Thursday and Friday nights will work itself out.

Pre-class jitters….

9 Oct

I fly out tomorrow.  This trip is sales training.  I’ve been so nervous about the last half of my trip I’ve completely forgotten to worry about the first half.  I’m gathering reports, following trends for opportunities and trying to think of how I can balance my sales approach.  By the way I’m not in sales.

My class list shows I’ll be with some experienced folks and I don’t want to make an ass out of myself.  Most of the people I work with are papered.  They have degrees, tons of experience and well, they dress really nice.  I always feel like I’m trying to sneak in.  Reality is no one knows and no one cares.  I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling this way.

I can only go up and then down and then up again from here…

5 Oct

 I’m on a roller coaster this year.  I was so down in the dumps.  My fiancé had surgery.  His sisters came to live with us to help.  One of them had a nervous breakdown and had to leave.  The younger one stayed and was so sweet.  My fiancé constantly complaining about my family.  Then in April a business trip. I felt like I was on top of the world.  Managing a branch, meeting new contacts, enjoying the night life.  My fiancé brining me down at every phone contact until it finally ended up he would just yell at me and call me names.  Then the last night that magical Thursday night where I found comfort in Tom’s arms.  He already had my attention by being so nice.  For more about it check out my post, I wasn’t looking but I got found…http://wp.me/p1IMS5-j

 

When I got back home my fiancé again was mean and made me sad.  I made contact with Tom and we started talking.  We were both still flush with the thrill of our night together.  When there was a chance that his friends band would play in our town we started talking about meeting.  The things he would say gave me such a rush.  I was on top of the world.  Thoughts of him filled my days and nights.  When I found out the tour wouldn’t come to the town 15 minutes away I still had to see him.  We made plans to meet outside of the tour.  The 55 day count down was exciting and all my troubles seemed to vanish as I waited for him to come to me.

 

After the trip his child came to stay with him and the contact dwindled.  When she left he was bummed and things didn’t go back to the same.  In the mean time my life had gotten away from me.  I was like a zombie just making it through on auto pilot.  I let things get worse. 

 

Everything I’d do I’d wonder how Tom would fit in.  How my fiancé just doesn’t compare to him.  How stuck I am.  Now as my count down is down to 7 days I’m scared.  I’m excited to see him but sad to know this might change everything forever.  The tears keep coming and I don’t know what to do to make things better.

 

I started this blog because I was so excited about all these new feelings that I had no one to share them with.  Now it’s just my neurotic ramblings.  I feel like I’m trying to keep my life running like I keep my car together.  Duct tape, zip ties and special fluids.  No matter what I feel better writing this stuff down.  I’m starting to wish I had more time to write and read.

Will this be the end?

5 Oct

In a week I’ll be in my lovers arms.  Maybe for the last time.  I’m starting to question if this trip is even a good idea.  I was so excited I missed that my dates were off.  Tom wants to take me to an amazing place he has been telling me about since we first met and I’m so excited to go with him the only problem is there is no cell service. 

I am planning to tell him I’m just not cut out for this.  That I want to be with him. I’m feeling jealous and that is weird for me. That the lowered contact hurts my confidence.  He has been a great friend.  He’s an interesting person who I love talking to.  I would love to stay in contact with him.

I still have not asked Tom much about his wife.  I wonder how they met.  How they fell in love.  Did he always have other girls on the side he fooled arround with or was there any point where it was just his wife.  His one and only.  It blows my mind he has only been in that town for 5 maybe 6 years now.  They’ve been married for three.  Doing the math makes me wonder.  I wonder if he will get board with his life there and look to move and make another life.  Maybe one closer to me.  I still can’t get the idea that maybe we can be together someday out of my head.  I think I need to though.

So my trip, with all this going on in my head you might ask why am I still going on this trip.  

  1. I’m fucking horny.
  2. I want to tell him this stuff in person.
  3. I need an adventure.