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Hopeless romantic….

14 Feb

Valentines day six years ago I was in this very office and my fiancé worked in the same business park.  I could see his building from the parking lot of my building.  He and I had broken up the previous fall.  I had a little rebound romance with a fella who ended up taking me to Hawaii with him (very cool but not as luxurious as it sounds) and I had just gotten back from that trip at the end of January.  Before we left I had broken up with rebound romance guy, we had an agreement that the trip would happen no matter what.  

I had brought my fiancé a tribal mask from Hawaii that he smashed when I handed it to him.  For some reason I was drawn back to him anyway.  I wrote him a long card.  Took photo of us as teenagers kissing and made it into art and got him a heart shaped box of his favorite chocolates.  When he got it he was upset and confused and didn’t know what to say.  He, of course, didn’t get me anything and he was mad. 

Maybe it’s my frame of mind but that’s the only Valentine’s day I recall.  Good or bad that’s the only one with him that left an impression on me.  Weird.

 A little Valentine’s tune for you

 

 

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SWK….

8 Jan

Single with kids.  When I think about it I get a little scared.  I wonder if I will have a social life.  Probably not and I am behind the eight ball because I don’t really have a collection of friends on my own.  Since my fiancé and I spent almost all of our time together my friends are our party buddies.  I like the idea of making new friends and building relationships, but with kids I wonder how much freedom I will have to nurture new relationships. 

I also have this tendency to feel nervous or inferior to others.  Like I don’t bring much to the table.  I know it’s silly.  I’m a great listener, I’m dependable and cheery but I still feel like the odd man out.  When other chicks are hanging out with their girlfriends I’m hanging with the guys talking shit. 

Meeting some one and dating.  I don’t like the idea of that at all.  Aren’t all the good ones taken.  Do I need to check cemeteries and rehabs to find good men who lost their significant other?  Then what good man would like me.  My kinda of girl attracts dirt bags. 

Even though I love Tom he’ll never be mine plus he’s a cheater.  He cheats for the trill of it.  No matter if I’m bi and into being with the woman he wants to cheat with it will mess up the thrill of it.  I know it sounds weird but I don’t want someone going behind my back.  Maybe that takes me back to the open relationship idea but then again won’t that attract the wrong types?

The stress of deciding whether to work on my relationship with my fiancé or break it off is driving me mad.  Then I have these selfish thoughts of being lonely and social dysfunctional that go along with it.  Do I just stay because it’s going to be hard and lonely?  The life I picture I should have might just be impossible since I picture it with a faceless partner that may not exist and if they do I might never find them.  Worse yet I might find them and they won’t like me.

Spinning….

22 Nov

Wow, to say I was not prepared was an understatement. Things went from I’m sure I need to get rid of this asshole to I can’t believe I’m breaking his heart like this. He recently freaked out a little from our discussions and my night out.  Where to start?  Well my fiancé has been fighting for my affections.  When I say fighting, I mean yelling and arguing that I should be more loving and affectionate.  Not a turn on. 

 I’ve opened the door to what would make me a more affectionate loving girl: 

  • Not yell at me about such things,
  • Make more of an effort around the house (he is a stay at home dad) and if he cannot do very much be aware of it and possibly be apologetic.
  • Be attentive to our money situation and contribute. 

He fought me on all of those points.  I’m no perfect angel but in my opinion, I’m worth keeping around.  Where do you find a pretty, hard working girl to support your lazy ass these days?  If you know tell me so I can ask her out on a date. 

From there the fighting ensued.  Then it broke.  He organized a bureau and dusted the TV. I cleaned the bathrooms, mopped, cooked, laundry, kids’ rooms and the kitchen.  You know what things looked good but there is still more to do. 

He then lost his fight and became mopey.  I fixed some dinner while he spent his time in the garage or in our room.  At dinner it got weird.  My son was not eating food and being a bit mouthy.  My fiancé tells him to respect his mom.  That he’s not sure if he’ll be around to remind him so he has to learn it now.  He’s now looking at us and tearing up.  Talking about how he’s going to end up like my Dad.  That he will become an afterthought for the holidays.  That I’ll be too busy trying to impress my new family to care about him. 

I’m now noticing his eyes are very red and they are not moving in sync.  He’s falling asleep while chewing, OMG!  I ask if he just took his pills, he said he took three. His pupils are pinpoints.  He starts to ramble about how much he loves us all that we are everything to him.  I know I’ve complained and vilified him but now I just feel so sorry for him.  I feel bad for what I’ve done, what I’m doing, what I think I have to do.  When he is fighting me I forget he’s damaged goods with a poor skill set.  I’m apparently not equipped to help him grow.  I’m not a get help kinda girl. I keep thinking he should be able to do it himself but what if he can’t.  I’m currently not able to afford therapy for him and I wonder if that will just turn me into the villain.  

 I was so not ready for the sad part.  I was bracing for the mad part.  He looks like a kicked puppy.  Before this weekend I was so sure of what I have to do, now it’s fuzzy again.

 

Wrecking shop like an addiction…..

7 Nov

I just had lunch with my Mom.  She helped me out with a little money.  My fiancé is out of meds we’re low on gas and we could use a few fresh veggies.  I will pay her back on my pay-day.  I gave her my good news I got a 2nd job!  I will make twenty-five cents more than minimum wage and work all night long.  It’s seasonal at a large toy retailer.  Another upside is that it give me a small discount on toys. 

 Not surprising this was not good news to her.  She is completely disgusted by the lack of help I get from my fiancé on anything financial.  She aware of his poor spending habits and how I have been a push over, not putting my foot down to change things.  We had a good talk.  She said something that made me think and reminded me of a post I read recently on Black’s Jewels (On a side note I love William’s stuff you should check him out).  She said she doesn’t come see my boys because she cannot stand to look at my fiancé.  I said how about you just take them to the park (there’s a park a block away from our house).  She said she really can’t stand to give him the break.  I have a feeling that might be part of the reason my Dad doesn’t come over much either. 

I know I need to do something I feel so trapped, without my fiance I have no child care.  Right before my job interview Sunday night we started fighting.  He is really sure that he does enough housework.  I was not able to have him make a plan as I was on a tight schedule.  Maybe we can work on it tonight.  Also the income thing, he says he was not clear that it was so dire.  I asked him what else do I have to say?  I’ve been telling him our bills exceed my income for months and that we need more income to make it.  How much more clear can I be?  I asked if he needs me to nag constantly and yell.  He of course didn’t like that a bit, I think.

Will you still love me…..

25 Oct

I may have made a bad choice.  A poor choice of words maybe.  Maybe I’m just a bad communicator all together.  Knowing I need to focus to try to right things in my life I decided to do it.  Tell Tom that I need to talk to him a bit less.  We had not talked for most of the weekend and when talking on Monday I was a bit of a mess.  The bills, the house work, my missing him.  It is all building.  We talked about happy stuff at first.  He’s going out to see a band he likes tonight.  Then I start to tell him how stressed out I am.  How after my fiancé was horrible that it went back to pretty much normal only my fiancé was being super nice.  How I wish I had a partner that would help.  I’m up my eyeballs in debt and house work and how he (Tom) is the perfect escape.  I go on saying after going out to the pumpkin patch this weekend as a family I keep thinking I need to work harder to keep my family together.  He listened he didn’t judge me.  I told him how much I love him.  How I wish I knew what to do. 

Then I said it, would you love me as much if we talked less.  How could he say no.  I told him that I need to work on getting another job, that I should use my lunch breaks to try to get things together in my life.  That the night might be the best time for us to talk.  He seemed to take it real well, oh that and I was crying.  He said he wishes he could give me what I need.  That he could help me.  Just talking with him and my short time being with him helps, the perfect escape.  I thank him for the camping trip, for being someone who is kinda normal that loves me.  I clean myself up and go back to work.

That night after dinner I’m in neurotic cleaning mode moping sweeping, toilets, dishes, counters laundry.  Tom had said “we have plans to go to the show” I think meaning his wife, so I’m not trying to get out to talk to him.  I get a message that he just got to the show.  Later I get these bands suck.  Later on I get ” So is the talking less a way of distancing yourself or giving yourself more time to accomplish tasks?”.  I’m starting to think I should have gone out to walk the muts and talk to him.  My response ” I think both, I’m cleaning right now and I think I love y ou a little more than is OK.  Part reality check part neurotic fix stuff mission.” I’m starting to feel weird and anxious.  I didn’t even think about hurting his feelings.  Even though he loves me I think it’s different that he could go for years with out talking to me and still love me, but he doesn’t need me.  He has a good wife and a good life.  In my mind I’m the one that would benefit from him, I would just be a burden to him other than the sex and stuff.  His reply “….It makes sence to me….but I’ve been drinking….and I mean I’m D runk.”  I tell him I wish I could be there.  How I’d love to get D runk with him (we were pretty drunk the first night we kissed but not D runk!) after a few more cute texts we send our good nights. 

Now our no worries, no strings relationship has gotten complicated.  For the first time I’m worried that I hurt his feelings.  I don’t know how to ask.  Now I wish didn’t draw a line in the sand cutting off our lunch talks.  It might be nothing, I sent him a text  saying I’m worried that I might have hurt his feelings.  Nothing.  I sent later that getting people to take my résumé in person is harder than I thought.  His response could have been an answer to both “Really, I thought you were unshakeable.”  Now nothing.  I’ve done it to myself.  I hope he stays up to talk to me tonight.  This could all be so simple why do I have to complicate things?

Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

Holding back tears….

24 Oct

Coming out to this trip I had planned to pour my heart out to Tom.  How I want him in my life for real.  How that feeling brings tears to my eyes often.  That I wonder about his life with his wife.  How can some one I know as very sexual be with someone who is not?  Was she ever his one and only?  Does he see himself with her forever?  I also wanted to talk about me.  How I have so much that I need to fix in my life.  That even though I love him and love being with him it distracts me from what I need to take care of.  I’m having trouble keeping myself from being depressed that I can’t be with him.  I’m constantly comparing my fiancé to Tom and he just doesn’t measure up.  I could go on and on with no good solution.  I just keep thinking I need to talk to him less, but I can’t say it.

As we drive back to town and the airport I keep looking out the window.  My eyes filling up with tears.  I don’t know how to say anything.  I keep reciting the names of my stores and their owners in my head trying to keep my mind straight and my eyes dry.  I finally can say there is something I’ve been wanting to say to you.  He looks at me with concern in his eyes, turns off the stereo.  I tell him sometimes after we’re together or after talking to him I’m sad.  How I want to be with him and I miss him.  Even though I know it’s not right for me to want what I want, I do.  That when he said to me he feels like he doesn’t have to worry that I would want us to leave our spouses to be together, I felt the urge to yell,  “I do want that”, but I know it’s not possible.  That I couldn’t expect that from him but I want it none the less. 

He told me about a girl he used to see.  She didn’t have kids but she had a boyfriend that she didn’t leave but she would run away with him for a week here and there but always go back home.  That her boyfriend would treat her bad afterwards.  Tom said he finally had to tell her he didn’t want to be with her anymore so she wouldn’t put herself through the pain any longer. 

I really didn’t get anything out about me other than my life is fucked up right now.  We kissed at the next light and he played some funny podcast from NPR.  We went back to talking effortlessly.  I asked him to stop for breakfast with me and he did.  He only ordered some fries thinking that when he got home his wife would want to eat and it would be weird if he was full.  I ate my omelet way to fast, I was nervous.  I “showered up” in the bathroom.  We left and hopped into his truck and it didn’t start.  I found someone to give us a jump and helped push the truck back into an empty parking space.  I tried not to cry on my way to the airport.  We kissed and embraced desperately before I walked inside not knowing when I’ll see him again.