Gulit is wierd…..

17 Jul

The other night Dick went to work for a friend.  Not really work more like hanging out with a bunch of tattooed tweekers taking pictures of stuff that he’ll never sell.  He was gone for most of the night is my point.  I made dinner and played with the boys.  My little one fell asleep in my arms durring dinner.  After a few go rounds I got them into bed and then little guy asked for Daddy.  I let him know Daddy is working and will come home while he’s sleeping.  He kept saying Daddy’s taking too long, that maybe Daddy’s lost or ran out of gas.  He started to cry.  He cried for a good hour in my arms asking for Daddy between his sobs.  I held him and let him know that his Daddy and I love him very much and neither of us would leave him.  My heart sank wondering how many times this will happen after Dick is gone.  Depending on how far he goes when will it stop happening?  They have such a good bond I don’t want them to loose that nor do I want them to be in pain. 

I found myself asleep with my little guy in his racecar bed.  I crept out and called Tom.  He had just left the bar.  He told a good friend, the lead singer of the band that brought us together that he has a plan to leave his wife.  Hearing that he told Randy (let’s call him that, K?) was both exciting and a little scary.  I want him to be happy and I do worry.  Am I making him lean more one way.  Would he have tried harder with his wife if I was not in the picture?  Would it work for them if it was all laid out there?  I feel like he will read this and tell me that it was going to happen with me or without me but I still have to wonder. 

Speaking of my bad behavior Tom has posted some songs for me on Facebook.  It’s so sweet.  One night as I’m trying to get my kids to bed so I could talk to him he posted Go the Fuck to Sleep.  Then he posted the song Innocent When You Dream.  The next song was, I Hope I Don’t Fall In Love With You.  I love that song and so does his wife.  Ah!  She had liked all the other songs but this one she posted, “I love that song.”.  The guilt hit, she’s thinking he’s thinking of her posting these sweet songs of love and longing.  He’s sending them to me. He’s floating farther away and my guess is she’s thinking he is as to her close as ever.  Why Facebook would make me feel this way I have no idea. 

To further confuse my unusual feelings of guilt I don’t feel guilty about the possibly of being with him in their home in two weeks.  I have asked Dick if he would be OK with me going away for work for a week and let my boss know I intend to take that week off.  Tom is cleaning the house.  Making plans.  We’re dreaming of being together but it doesn’t give me that pang of guilt that those songs did.  Maybe it’s because there is a huge chance she’ll never know I’ve been in their home but I know she saw the songs and I know how it feels to have a romantic song posted by my lover.  My co-worker calls me a sociopath.  Maybe I’m a sociopath lite

3 Responses to “Gulit is wierd…..”

  1. transformingZ July 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

    … oh I SO know how it feels being in the house with the husband while the wife is away…

  2. The Hook July 31, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    You’re far from crazy!

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