Tom’s beautiful words….

4 Jul

When I got back to civilization I got a long series of texts that had been sent while I was out of range.  I intended to summarize them but I’m not sure how so I will just share what he sent:

I feel that I love you more
Not sure if it was your words or that they made me question some things
You can tell me you love me and I believe it. But when you describe how you feel about me to strangers, I get a deeper understanding of it.
I wonder if I was to do that, would you understand more? Could I put down in word how I love you?
A few posts back you did say some things that stung but was the truth.
I’m not sure why I cheat. I like the attention more than any sex.
But there’s something different about how you made me feel.
When we started talking and flirting was the turning point.
On several occasions I was with a girl and stopped at for play like I did with you.
And each time that was the last we saw of each other. That’s perfect, I think I got what I was after. Proof that I could have gone further.
After you left I was sure we would never talk again. I knew you were upset with me for stopping short. but when you sent me the first pic I was confused.
Why are you talking to me? This is the part where you cuss me out, not try to talk.
The more we talked the more I was confused by you. Dont get me wrong, I fucking loved it, but why are you, such a beautiful woman, talking to me?
As time went on I felt more comfortable thinking that you liked me.
I’ve never told someone else the things I’ve told you. Normally half that info would sent them running
But you stayed
I guess what I’m trying to get across is that you are a huge part of my life now. I think about you and I all the time.
In my head I imagine us on drives to cool out of the way places. And yes your kids are there. I think about the smile on our faces as we go to sleep each night

I’ll stop rambling
I do feel differently about you. A stronger feeling of love and want than I’ve ever had for anyone.
Fuck! I can’t stop checking this!!
K, 8pm. Just ate. I’m so distant tonight. I’m trying to avoid checking my phone but it’s not working
When shes talking about projects around the house next year, my mind is screaming to say I want to be gone by then… But I can’t. I sit with a fake smile and keep thinking of holding you
Looks like you’ll get these Sunday
Second coat of stain is on the fence. Picked up the boat yesterday. Gonna get it cleaned up and ready for the water.
When I’m thinking about taking it out, I always picture you with me on it.
The more I think about the future the more I keep thinking of us. I’ve been thinking a lot about this today. I think we should try to see where this could go. See each other every chance and make sure we’re what the other really wants.
Talk more seriously about things

When I saw these words I was excited, amazed, scared and felt so loved.  I wanted to call him right away but I was still an hour away from home.  Driving with my ex and the boys.  My mind racing trying to look casual as I stared into my phone.  Texting when I could. 

 It seemed he was feeling similar to how I felt in those early months.  The feelings that I tried so hard to re-route into something less urgent.  To subdue the longing for him in my everyday life.  I was worried that maybe that getting all this info at once was the reason for the seemingly sudden change in Tom.  Just a few weeks ago he told me when his friend asked about “us” he told him we would be long time long distance lovers.  That I was not leaving California and he is not leaving his state. 

I couldn’t wait to talk to him but it would be a while before I could.  I was waiting on pins and needles to find out more.  I think he was too.

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