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What’s going on with my Ex (Dick)…..

4 Sep

Up to this point….hmmm I have a restraining order that includes a move out order in place against Dick.  He refused to commit to leaving so I had to force it.  Plus every conversation seemed to degrade into him calling me names a break and then teary apologies for how he just treated me.  He’s taking muscle relaxers, pain pills, mood stabilizers and anti anxiety drugs.  That is on top of smoking weed and taking heart and diabetes medicine and it’s just a matter of time until he gets shit housed again.  I truly worry that all these things could make him snap under this stress.

He is working for a tweaker tattoo artist wh0 we hung out with a lot before his life went down the shitter and became a tweaker.  He was to be living in a trailer out back of the guys antique shop but things went South quick.  The second night he was gone I got a text that the guy broke Dick’s guitars, amp and pedals or something and locked him out.  Dick does have my car.  He went back to work for him.  Part of the work is putting things on Ebay and the money goes into a joint account Dick and I share.  I get a long text from the tattoo artist that Dick has done him wrong that I should tell him how to find him he could fix my problems and make Dick disappear and by the way he knows where I live.  I talk to Dick and he says that not only is this guy threatening his life but mine and the boys.  This is over bucks!  I tell Dick to fix this now or I will put the kids somewhere and handle it myself.  He says he’s sick and throwing up but he will fix it.  I talk to Tom about it and he says some one threatens my family I would hit them upside the head with a 2×4.  Tom isn’t the type to be mixed up with this type of person however I can belive he would take care of business if forced.  I a moment of weakness I texted Dick: Are you going to step up and hit **** for threatening your family or do you only hit girls?  Of course I got no response.  He paid the guy his money and then went back to work for him the next day. 

I don’t know where he stays.  I don’t know when he’ll want to see the kids next.  I don’t know when he will get his fucking shit out of my house.  It’s all very weird.  I do know I’ll see him at the court date later on this month.  I wonder how it will go.  I just need him to stay moved out and not to freak out.  He has done very well so far.  I don’t know if it’s because he’s afraid of the courts and police or if he’s just as done as I am.  We will see soon.

Our problmes are becoming his….

25 Apr

Last weekend we had a camping trip.  Our family went with another family that have a daughter about the age of our oldest son and it was beautiful.  Fishing, drinking, some hiking and of course roasting marshmallows.  I even tried to teach my 4 1/2 year old to play chess and he was grasping the concept pretty well.  The trip started off pretty rough though.

As I mentioned my Uncle passed recently and taking care of the family has consumed much of the time I would have used to prep for our trip.  I ended up starting to work on everything the night before the trip.  We were to meet our friends at the camp sight at 1pm so it was crunch time in my mind.  The day of we had some stuff we needed from the hardware store and I needed to pick up some food for the trip. 

I was up early packing and prepping.  I know there’s a lot to do and I don’t really like to be late.  My fiancé is still in bed at 8am, 9am by 10am I’m fucking pissed and have to wake him.  We’d been up late the night before him smoking or something me getting shit ready but still 10am when we have shit to buy and get to the camp sight by 1pm!

When he wakes up I start rattling off what needs to get done and try to start planning with him who is going to do what with which kid.  He starts to push back saying no rush we don’t have to be there right at one and it’s not untill much later.  I push back to him we have a lot to do time will fly.  He doesn’t care we start to fight in a bad way.  I made shish kabobs and couscous salad as well packing a million things. 

Well, to cut to the chase we get there about 3pm.  We start to unpack and there’s a snaffoo and he has to take our mutts back to the house.  My oldest son wants to play with his little girlfriend with walkie talkies but she wants to play house with my youngest son.  My oldest gets a HORRIBLE attitude.  He is scowling and stomping and says he hates her and doesn’t want to be arround her.  I try to talk to him and he tells me not to talk to him and that he doesn’t care about anything. He is sounding a lot like my fiancé.  I have to put him on time out.  I let him sit for his time and then come back to talk to him.  He still can’t shake the anger and I try to talk him down.  Ask him questions about how he’s feeling and why he’s acting out so bad.  He says he doesn’t know.  He won’t relax.  It makes me cry.  He’s seeing bad things and it’s creating bad things in him.  I try to be as loving as possible and let him know he can talk to me about anything.  I try to dry my eyes and put myself back together so my friends won’t ask why my kids bad attitude makes me cry.

Things got better.  My fiancé wanted to be close to me he wants things to be good but he doesn’t see that he’s pushing me away constantly.  My son self corrected and for the rest of the trip he was pretty darn, good they both were.  We had a lot of fun.  He says Mama can we go camping all of Spring for 96 days.  I told him we’d have to do it more and I want to back that up.

Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

Kinda like it used to be….

17 Feb

I don’t know if you recall a recent post where I’d missed going to a show because I was feeling…um…well…crazy.  Well the same two artists were playing later in the week.  My fiancé called me and said he talked to our friend (my girl crush) and she would be there with her eight year old daughter.  He called a couple of our other friends to invite them out as well. 

He had dinner ready when I got home.  We got there and our friend greeted us warmly.  I danced with the boys and the artists sounded great.  Some other folks I know were there and I got to say hi.  I only felt a little awkward.  I hung close to the boys. I’ve grown to feel like I need to be the one to mind them when I’m out with my fiancé.

He mingled the artists and our friends.  Everyone loves him.  He’s so friendly and engaging.  When it was time to go we gave hugs and good byes and everyone says we should get together, bowl, have beers, barbecue, take the kids to the park. 

He was so sweet to put this together thinking of me.  He becomes so charming and personable.  It’s times like these that leave me baffled.

A memorable Valentine’s day…..

17 Feb

My little boy is a rock star!

On Valentine’s day his friend from a play group came over to give him and my youngest a Valentine.  He’s started a preschool type program and he’s met a gor there too.  I had missed enrolling him in this session so he would not be attending class during the holiday.  The cutest little girl who has a crush on him and dubbed him her boyfriend came over and brought him a Valentine she had made.  As she was walking up she passed the other little girl.  Of course they paid no mind to each other. It was so cute!

Over all it was a nice day.  I made pink chocolate chip pancakes with little hearts in them. I had the boys give their Daddy the heart-shaped box of chocolates we got for him. Later the family picked me up from work for a picnic lunch at the park where we exchanged gifts. Hot wheels and heart-shaped box of chocolates for the boys and a t-shirt and earings for me.  We had a late steak dinner at home after the girls left. Then we watched Lady and the Tramp where I my youngest and I fell asleep all cuddled up on the couch.

Feeling crazy….

13 Feb

If I were to sum up this weekend in one word I would go with: Fail.

My weekend started off odd.  I had plans to go to a beautiful co-worker’s birthday.  Then I wanted to go see a show in a very small bar/restaurant that consisted of two solo artists and a little band.  My fiancé had not given me the OK to go to my friends birthday party so I didn’t make plans to go thinking he might not let me go and silly me didn’t want to rock the boat.

Friday night I’m cooking and cleaning away.  I hear him talking to his friend sounds like he was making plans to go out.  I sat for a minute and played with my phone and he calls me out about it.  Telling me I need to be busy doing the housework or engaging the kids.  Once I get the kids down for the night I laid down on our bed and ask if he’s going to let me go out the next night he said he is and he’s planning on going out tonight (catch how he didn’t ask me, not that I care it’s just the double standard that makes my blood boil). 

He starts to ride me a bit about not doing enough cleaning and too much fucking with my phone.  I come right back at him.  He starts yelling that I talk over him.  I’m trying to tell him he starts talking before I finish what I have to say.  I try to step back, change my tone and keep this conversation from turning into a fight.  Even after calming down, slowing down trying to keep things on track he starts to berate me.  Yelling, shut the fuck up, stupid cunt and once he calls me the c word it’s over I can’t talk to him.  I’m telling him if it’s that bad fucking leave, he’s telling me it’s our house he doesn’t have to go that he won’t leave.  He storms off. I go online and take the money in our bank account and transfer it into savings.  He will still have access to it but if he runs the card it will get declined. Hopefully it will remind him that when I’m not at home taking care of the kids and cleaning  that I’m fucking working earning the money he loves to spend!

He comes back to apologise.  He brings a joint and I smoke with him reluctantly.  He’s nice now. He says he shouldn’t do that but it’s how I act that triggers it (apparently once it’s triggered there is no turning back) and I can’t look at him.  I don’t want to fight anymore we watch Okie Noodling it’s weird and distracting.  I fall asleep as he waits for his ride.  I woke up at about 3 in the morning worried about transferring that money.  Knowing it will just make him angry again.  What did I do about it.  Read a few blogs posted a few comments. Rubbed a couple or orgasms out and went back to sleep.

The next day he was a bit pissy at breakfast but nothing to extreme.  I did some housework before taking off with the boys for a hike and a picnic.  When I came back for nap time it was like nothing happened.  I cleaned and organized and played with the kids.  I was excited about going to my friends birthday but now I was feeling apprehensive about it.  After dinner I put the boys down and started to feel very awkward about going out by myself.  Then felt weird about asking anyone to go with me.  He wanted me to smoke with him and watch a show and I did.  I’ve been looking for chances to go out and build a social life and here is a chance for me and I got all freaked out and stayed home.  It felt very strange.

The next night my Dad came over to watch the kids.  There was that show I wanted to go see.  I have sort of a girl crush on the gal who was promoting the show.  Not that I want to sleep with her just that I really would love to be her friend rather than just an acquaintance.  The music well honestly isn’t my normal type.  I found beauty in it but I wasn’t completely a fan, my fiancé didn’t like it very much at all.  The opening act was definitely not my speed.  So as we talked about going I got more and more nervous.  What would I say to the gal I like and how would it be hanging out with my fiancé who I even now feel awkward around and trying to keep him happy.  Let alone that the venue is so small I imagine the artists looking out into the crowd and being able to see everyone’s faces.  If the music is so so and my date is not my favorite company I might offend the artist.  I know it’s crazy (see the title of this post) so we didn’t go to the show. 

We got some dinner and went to a late night tasting and sample night at a organic grocery store.  It all went OK.  We got home very early the kids weren’t even in bed yet.  My Dad looked a bit concerned but he was happy to go home early.  We tried to watch a movie together and I fell asleep.  He kept asking me for sex.  I gave in.  He started kissing me and I couldn’t do it, I turned my head.  He started rubbing my breasts and legs.  My posture changed from relaxed to me curling up.  Hands clamped against my chest clearly an unwilling recipient.  His breathing was so heavy bothering me, grossing me out.  I just rolled over and let it happen.  No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me.  It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.

Pardon my long, whiney, crazy post.  Some times it feels better to get it out.  This time I’m feeling a bit embarased about it.  However I have been trying to keep an honest account of the things that effect my life with my fiance and my lover and this is it.  Maybe I’m going a bit mad.

How does he do it?….

9 Feb

He’s not my knight in shining armor.  He’s not going to run to me if I end up breaking up my family.  He’s not even sure how he find a way to spend time with me.  Something about him makes me happy and freaking horny.

Yesterday I had a great time.  My fiancé had an oppertunity to make money in the city and took off early in the day.  I took the day off of work.  The boys and I went out to the park, to lunch, to the library, to the dentist (they really liked the dentist) and back home for naps. 

After I got them down I tried to make contact with Tom.  I sent a few texts nothing out of the ordinary.  He tried to send me a picture (remember he’s growing a beard and giving me beard updates) and it wasn’t sending.  He also had gotten off work and got home before I could get free.  At home he was no longer alone so we couldn’t talk. 

 I sent him a note that maybe I’ll get a nice surprise later with his picture.  He sends “Are you OK?” Then right after, “You sound somber.”  I kept it vague.  How can you explain in text what’s weighing on my mind?  He then sent me a series of responses that had me laughing out loud. 

I can’t wait to talk to him again.  Last time we spoke I had to leave the conversation too quick while he was venting about the frustrations in his life.  Work trumped my phone time.  I felt bad and he understood.  He texted me after we hung up how much he loves me and that my voice was still ringing in his ears.  I think no matter what happens we will be friends. We’ve shared with eachother things we don’t share with others.  There is a bond between us that I’ve shared with very few people.

Treading water…..

1 Feb

I’m sad to say I still have not gotten to have a decent talk with my fiancé.  We had started one about a week ago.  We were both in the garage and I told him how stressed out I am handling it all and to my standards doing poorly.  I gave him some examples of how he could help that would be low impact due to his health problems.  He seemed open to it, he told me he loves me and wants to do the right things for me and our family.  I then felt like I had left my little ones alone too long and ran inside and started playing with them and that was it. 

That night I didn’t want to rock the boat I thought about talking but was happy to have the kids in bed and peace in the house and just let the sleeping dog lie, so to speak.  It’s always on my mind and I always find a way to dodge it, always finding a way not to rock the boat or avoid him.  I’m disappointed in myself. 

He is going to his first pain management class tonight.  His doctor has taken his prescription down to weekly instead of filling a whole months worth of pills.  They are monitoring him and want to get him off the narcotics but he still says he’s in a lot of pain.  I don’t know what to think.  I was told recently that long term use of pain killers can cause ghost pains.  The body’s way of asking to be fed more narcotics, maybe that’s what he’s got going on there’s no way for me to tell.  I still lean on the fact that when he’s out of pills he doesn’t seek them like I’ve seen addicts do. 

Maybe I’ll get something done this weekend, I have some good ideas of what to talk about from the audio book.  I’m still searching for a therapist and getting antsy whether I should try couples right away or try to go on my own a few times and then go into couples work.  Still just treading water.

RESPECT….

29 Jan

I just finished listening to a chapter in the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad To Stay.  This chapter was called RESPECT.  Like all the chapters I teeter from one side to the other thinking how bad my fiance is and what good he does have.  I take care of the bills, I earn the income, I handle most of the housework, plan anything that is more complicated than a night out and the list goes on.  He doesn’t really give me the respect I deserve for these things.  He will sometimes say that he appreciates what I do when it’s happening but when we are discussing an issue what I do and what he does are equal in his eyes.  At least that is the impression I get. 

The author talked about respect for your partner at the end of the chapter.  I think that is where it really hit home.  She talked about people not living up to the expectations that you had for them.  She asked that we evaluate what we respect about our partners.  For me it was his compassion for others, he is generally a good friend.  I’ve refered to him as my social planner for years as he is the one to make our plans or get people coming over for a party.  He is a very loving and involved parent.  His cooking is amazing.  I started thinking about all this and while it sounds fine and good I’m adding up that he has the fun list.  Anything real world or complicated falls on my shoulders. 

After thinking about all this I thought of how replaceable he is.  The bottom line is I keep him because I haven’t created my own social life and I’m very attached to him and the memories and history we have together.  Without those things would I truly want this person in my life.  It all seems to be pointing to no.  Before you read this and say she’s finally got it let me explain….

I’ve been doing all this separate from him. I’ve said to him that I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine life without him.  I’ve brought up that I feel under valued, that I think he needs to contribute to the finances and housework and I’ve even told him that he doesn’t turn me on.  Even with all this said we haven’t talked about changing things.  I’d like to at least give that a shot.  He is always telling me what he can’t do and we need to talk about what he can do and what he’s willing to do.  Honestly it’s a hard conversation and I’ve felt like we going in the right direction and I’ve bailed on it before.  We’re both miserable, this needs to change and the longer I wait the harder it gets.

Living in limbo….

30 Nov

Sophia had recently commented that working two jobs I’ll be so tired.  So far it has not been bad.  I’ve only added about 25 hours per week of work to my load.  Today and tomorrow will be special.  I’m a little nervous to see how it will work out.  I’m working 8:30am-5pm at my day job and then 10:30pm to 6am at my night job then back to work 8:30am-5pm then back to work 10:30pm-6pm.  I intend to go home at 5pm eat something then sleep and get up and work.  When I get home maybe I’ll take the dogs out for a walk then shower then go back to working….wow it seems like a lot.  I really do think I can pull it off.  

My other half…well I asked him if he checked out the work from home links I forwarded to him.  He said he started to then the computer froze.  I asked if he filed for disability he said he wants to wait for a friends doctors office to handle the paperwork for him.  Did he check with his layer on the injury case, no. He did make dinner and vacuum the house.  I should be thankful, right?  He’s also being needy and whiney.  He wants me to hold him and kiss him.  It feels like a lie.  I know I’m now a first class liar but the faking affection is hard.  Much harder than making something up to cover why I have a glowing smile on my face after I get one of my lovers texts. 

Honestly, right now, I wish he could just disappear, not die, not move, just vanish, maybe reincarnate into a happy puppy or something.  I don’t know if I have the guts to send his sorry ass away only for him to shift from being viciously hateful to utterly pitiful and back again.  The thought of my kids getting shuffled arround is also weighing on me.  My fiancé says he wants to make it work. That he loves me.  The kids and I are the best thing that has ever happened to him but he is in such pain he needs help.  Maybe it’s the pain and the diabetes and the pills, but maybe it’s not.  How long can I wait, what do I do?