Archive | January, 2012
Aside

What’s good for the body is not always good for the mind…..

31 Jan

I’ve been fantasizing about –

My lover fucking me on the hood of my car in the city

Watching him jack off while I masturbate until he can’t resist entering me

Pleasuring a woman while he touches me

Watching him with another woman

Him pulling my hair while giving it to me from behind

Riding him in the back seat of my car

Fucking me from behind in the shower

So, needless to say, I’m fucking horny and have no one to play with.

In a moment of desperation while fighting with my fiancé I put an add up on an adult meet up sight.  Maybe to have some shameless text flirting, maybe a cup of coffee on my lunch break, just maybe to fuck.  Throwing caution to the wind and going where my hormones take me.  Well an hour after I did it it didn’t seem like that much fun.  Plus I wondered with these unusual circumstances if I’d meet anyone of substance.  So I canceled it, I did get 3 flirts, but couldn’t read them because I didn’t want to pay the $10 fee.

Recently in a phone conversation with my lover, Tom, I mentioned how I’m so fucking horny but I don’t want it from my fiancé.  He apologised and I assured him it’s not really him that’s doing it.  It’s my feelings towards my fiancé. 

Later I texted Tom this message: I’ve started thinking where can I meet a guy that I can fuck on days like today, all alone, big empty office….  Bars, adult friend finder, Ashley Madison…  All that comes to mind is I’ll meet some smarmy bastard who couldn’t hold a candle to you.  Don’t feel bad that youve ruined me for my fiancé…  Feel bad that you’ve skewed my perspective for any other men I might meet….and that you can’t come fuck me today.

It was a series of texts but it got the point across.  He sent me back the details of how he would pleasure me if he was able to come be with me while I worked all alone and it was fucking hot.  Ruined my panties for the day hot, he gets me so wet.

I’m in a strange situation.  I love him, I want him, I really like him and I know now I can never have him.  He’s not the super hot guy that you just lust after and want nothing else to do with.  Don’t get me wrong he’s handsome and has a lovely body but I like him for more than that.  Since we’ve talked so much I like him on a long-term, good friend….gosh I hate to say it… husband level….but since I know it won’t happen I struggle with why I’m doing this to myself and possibly to him.

RESPECT….

29 Jan

I just finished listening to a chapter in the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad To Stay.  This chapter was called RESPECT.  Like all the chapters I teeter from one side to the other thinking how bad my fiance is and what good he does have.  I take care of the bills, I earn the income, I handle most of the housework, plan anything that is more complicated than a night out and the list goes on.  He doesn’t really give me the respect I deserve for these things.  He will sometimes say that he appreciates what I do when it’s happening but when we are discussing an issue what I do and what he does are equal in his eyes.  At least that is the impression I get. 

The author talked about respect for your partner at the end of the chapter.  I think that is where it really hit home.  She talked about people not living up to the expectations that you had for them.  She asked that we evaluate what we respect about our partners.  For me it was his compassion for others, he is generally a good friend.  I’ve refered to him as my social planner for years as he is the one to make our plans or get people coming over for a party.  He is a very loving and involved parent.  His cooking is amazing.  I started thinking about all this and while it sounds fine and good I’m adding up that he has the fun list.  Anything real world or complicated falls on my shoulders. 

After thinking about all this I thought of how replaceable he is.  The bottom line is I keep him because I haven’t created my own social life and I’m very attached to him and the memories and history we have together.  Without those things would I truly want this person in my life.  It all seems to be pointing to no.  Before you read this and say she’s finally got it let me explain….

I’ve been doing all this separate from him. I’ve said to him that I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine life without him.  I’ve brought up that I feel under valued, that I think he needs to contribute to the finances and housework and I’ve even told him that he doesn’t turn me on.  Even with all this said we haven’t talked about changing things.  I’d like to at least give that a shot.  He is always telling me what he can’t do and we need to talk about what he can do and what he’s willing to do.  Honestly it’s a hard conversation and I’ve felt like we going in the right direction and I’ve bailed on it before.  We’re both miserable, this needs to change and the longer I wait the harder it gets.

Boobies!….

28 Jan

I’ve been following the blog of Ms. Titty and she has recently posted a request us bloggers write about our experiences with boobies.  I would like to say right away I love boobies!  I’ve had big ones forever.  I’ve grown into them becoming a woman and a Mom so now they are not so outrageous.

The first time they caused a stir that was out of the ordinary was the summer that I graduated grade school.  I was turning 11 at the time.  My friends and I had gone to summer camp for a couple of weeks and it was right on the river.  It was the first day and I was wearing a modest one piece swimsuit.  I had never had attention from the boys I’m guessing because I was a little chunky and didn’t really dress in the most popular styles.  The girls I was with were used to having signficantly more attention than I.  The girls were already picking out which boys were cute.  They noticed most of the boys wanted to talk to me or were checking me out.  They equated that with my boobs that were definalty large possibly a C cup back then.  They proceeded to try to hold me under the water.  Not drown me or anything just keep my tits hidden. 

Another very boob centric part of my life and maybe a reason why I never thought much of the extra attention my big ol’ boobies drew as a problem was my relationship with my best friend and later on boyfriend in middle school and the beginning of highschool.  He was very tall and insightful beyond his years.  He wasn’t attractive in any normal sence of the word but there was something about him.  He was very interested in titties.  He would encourage me to free them and he made no passes at me and was never rude.  We spent a lot of time together and he truly valued me and respected me.  We got to a point we we argued about whether my titties were more than a handful he had really big hands and we disagreed on the definition of a handful.  He put his hand on my breast closed and showed how my tittie didnt come close to fitting in his cupped hand.  I had him spread his fingers and he could trap the whole thing in his big hands.  By then I think I was a 34D.  He talked about how titties should be free and I bought into the whole idea and for most of my sophomore year in highschool I ran around braless.  That attracted a lot of attention but it never bothered me and didn’t seem to get me into anymore trouble than I would get myself into anyway.

The bottom line for me is I’ve always liked them and if I didn’t want to attract attention to them I would cover them up and wear a bra that held them back a little.  Since I’m a bit thicker they are easier to conceal than on a tiny girl.  I’m now up to a 36DD (you should have seen them when I was pregnant!).

P.S.  I love boobies.  I try not to gawk like a guy but when I see a nice pair I just want to put my face in them.  When the bra’s are off it’s not the size of the boobies that count it’s the shape, for me anyway.

Therapy attempt….

28 Jan

I went to my therapy session at my Big Box insurance provider.  They scheduled me for a hour for intake and an hour session.  When I was directed to a room with a bunch of other women all filling out the same packet I had in my hand. I knew this wasn’t where I needed to be.  A Doctor came into the room and let us know she would be giving us a 40 minute “infomercial”  (yes that is her exact wording) of the services they offer.  Basicly saying unless you’re in need of meds and constant monitoring you might benefit from a few of the classes they offer.  They also offered a list of non-covered therapists in the area that we might go to but it would not be covered by their insurance. 

Of course I listened and took some mental notes.  Some of the classes might be beneficial but I really was hoping to talk to someone more than once and one on one.  When I sat down with the therapist I was assigned to she was very nice and said that she could possibly refer me to the drug abuse portion of their program due to my fiance constant pain and pain killer use.  My colorful past and the fact I still smoke, drink and occasionally “party” she didn’t think was a problem for me but did think my life issues may be effected by it.  Such as my tough time forming friendships that didn’t revolve around partying and my…gasp…co-depedancy!  I’m sure this could have been seen coming. 

What is a girl to do?  The book that F#@* Knows hooked me up with is giving me lots of good things to think about but I still feel torn.  Things point to good things point to bad.  One chapter asked what my bottom line is, I couldn’t think of anything other than horrible things that no sane person would tolerate.  I guess since we’ve been so dysfunctional for so long and he’s not a horrible monster it’s hard to draw a line.  Oh well, I’ll keep reading and look into my company’s mental health resources to find something that will apply to my situation.

Bugs and mushrooms…..

25 Jan

Instead of just running around in circles and having you re-read similar neurotic rants.  I thought I would tell you a couple of fun stories that my fiancé and I have laughed at over the years.

The moon was almost full that night.  Our campsight was average and there weren’t too many other campers around making it perfect for our plans.  We each ate our eighth of mushrooms and started the coals in our barbeque pit.  Feeling a little funny we put the chicken on the grill and started chatting.  We knew the chicken was done when the coals were dying, the chicken was still raw and we weren’t hungry anymore. 

I loose the order of how things went but I remember putting down a blanket in the open area in the back of our campsight.  I laid down on the blanket looking up at the stars.  I love looking at the stars while I’m tripping, they look kind of like gooey spider webs of light.   The comforting darkness broken by the light from a lantern held by my approaching fiancé.  He has this look of shock.  I sit up with a jolt and look behind me.  There are hundreds of bugs on my blanket.  The only place that is not spotted with little bugs is the silhouette of where I was laying.  I jumped up and stood with him trying to make sure what we saw was real.  We still belive it was.

After that little ordeal we went for a walk in the moonlight.  We were chatting about what ever craziness you talk about while you’re shroomin’. I hop up on a large log that is lying by the pathway.  I’ve got a stick in my hand and I’m waiving it around a bit.  Balancing about four feet off the ground on the log took a bit of attention. I’m studying the log to carefully place each footstep and I see something odd yet beautiful.  It looked like a leaf or part of the log and I poked at it with my stick.  It moved! It was some sort of huge bug, maybe a moth.  I was so startled that I jumped down into a pile of wood and leaves below.  Shaken we continued our moon light walk talking about how crazy that was and how the bugs are out to get me. 

Mid stride I feel something wiggling in my pants.  I’m thinking it’s just the mushrooms messing with me because of my strange buggy night.  I kicked my leg out to loosen what ever was bugging me and a HUGE beetle flew out of my pant leg.  Of course this made me belive that the bugs are attracted to me.  Out to get me even.  I’m in shock, disgusted and seeing colors literally.  I feel twitching against my foot. I scream into the night and kick my foot with such force my platform sandel flew into the night.  Out popped another huge beetle I screamed again tore my pants off and ran to the car.  After doing a full bug inspection I redressed joined the party and sat out on the edge of the mountain over looking the lake and relax and enjoyed the rest of the night without any more bug attacks.

I was going to recount for you a second bug/hallucinogen story but this one ran too long.  Oops.

Looking for answers everywhere…..

23 Jan

I’m all over the place again. My fiancé still is in terrible pain and feels sick often. He feels isolated and unloved. It makes me think of a blog entry I’ve read from MysteryCoach Doctors ~ Medications ~ Surprise Ending. She explains how you’re emotions can make you physically ill and I’m starting to wonder if our situation is effecting his physical health. He has a slew of doctors appointments and is starting in a pain management group as mandated by the pain specialist he is starting to see.

I’ve been listening to the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay (thank you F#@*knows)and it’s got me spinning some more.  So many maybes and questions if I’m expecting too much or passing harsh judgement.  Throw in his physical ailments and there is just so many variables.  The book talks a lot about people getting overwhelmed with the amount of things you have to weigh to make a decision to stay or leave.  I’m glad it’s walking me through but I worry I’ll end the book with the same ambivalence that I started with.  Either way it’s information that is helpful and giving me a new unbiased perspective.

Over the weekend he caught me looking at the responses on my blog.  I clicked out and told a sloppy lie.  After some time I told him I was contacting relationship advice web sites to see what to do about our situation.  It opened the door to talk a little about what we can do.  He doesn’t see why I’m so frustrated and sees me as a equal part of the problem.  He got a little irritated saying there is only one side of the story being put out to these advice people and maybe we should try couples counseling again.  I think we will have to do that.  I will get someone in my family to commit to watching the boys and we will have to try to talk things out together.

Things are coming together to look at this crazy situation from all angles maybe I can get my head on straight and finally commit one way or the other.  Jumping in with both feet and feeling good about trying to make things work or break things off.  I know for sure we both can’t keep living this way.

The problem with my mind is effecting my mouth….

21 Jan

I’ve gotten to speak a bit more to Tom the last couple of days.  I know he seems so good because I don’t have to share everyday challenges with him and my situation is a little tough right now, but I got that sad pull again.  Even talking to him about his upcoming trip I was excited for him to show his wife and sister in-law the areas we visited (they are very famous places).  It was a strange feeling.  I was wondering how they’d like it.  Not the right frame of mind for a mistress right?  I even think I started to distance myself while we were talking.  Saying how I’d get annoyed with him if we could be together and that it would bother me that he’d need more space than I’m used to.  As I was saying it I felt….off, maybe wrong is the right word, hm?

My co-worker knows. Outside of all of you she is the only person in my life that knows what I’m doing.  She’s seen me beaming when he calls, she’s seen me cry as I miss him or talk about how much my fiancé weighs on me.  She knows that even though I’m a (mostly reformed) party girl I’ve never done anything like this.  The other day we were talking about driving in the snow.  Tom’s a pro at it.  I was telling her about how he would drive crazy fast with no chains in snow and she says to me I see why you guys are soul mates.  Awe how sweet, ripping my fucking heart out. Later when Tom an I talked I told him what my coworker had said and then back peddled muttering something about how much I love him but trying to negate the soul mates statement.  I think he started to open up about how weird our situation is, but I killed it running my stupid mouth.  It seems when I get nervous I talk.  I killed his comment by saying that he should have just hit it and quit it with me and saved himself the expense of a second cell phone, air fair, etc….

Man I hope therapy can help me organise my thoughts.  I’m starting to doubt it will even work.  I wonder if I can be honest about how I feel.  I’m not even sure if I’m honest with myself let alone some stranger who works for a big box insurance company that I don’t trust.  I keep running in circles and getting nowhere.

How we got Larry…..

19 Jan

I thought I’d share with you another memory that makes my relationship with my fiancé…um….unique.  I consider myself now to be a professional.  I’m a Mother, a home owner, a banker and have some degree of authority at work.  I still love to goof off.  I try never to take myself to seriously.

One year for my company Christmas party we were at a historic restaurant.  Our party was in an upstairs banquet room with a bar and there was a neighboring room by the bathrooms that has a balcony overlooking the street below.  The building has been the sight of a historic speech by a political figure about 70 years ago or so.  Everything was old and they had many bucks mounted on the walls. 

The party was going well.  My fiancé was having fun with a few of my co-workers husbands.  I was pregnant and couldn’t drink so he was enjoying the liberty of having a DD.  From the start of the event our service from the restaurant was poor.  It got worse and the staff was not only slow but rude.  I see the men plotting something and I have to see what is going on.

They are all down by the bar debating how they will get a bucks head out of the restaurant.  I told them how to do it.  I left them be and went back to mingling with my co-workers and their spouses.  I don’t know if you’ve read my post Riding Dirty but if you have I’ve mentioned how it drives me crazy to hear someone go on about how they are going to do something that never happens.  The bucks head was turning into one of those situations.

The night was coming to an end.  The fellas had not come through on their silly idea.  It’s weird even with not drinking I felt the drunkenness of others rubbing off on me.  I instructed my fiance to ready the trunk.  I sent my friends husband down under the historic balcony.  I grabbed one of the bucks heads that was just laying around (there were three of them laying there plus maybe 15 on the walls).  I quietly took the screen off the window.  Worked the old window open and hoisted my pregnant ass out the window.  I maneuvered that horned bucks head outside with me.  I spotted my friends husband waiting below.  Made sure the coast was clear of any managers from my office or employees of the restaurant and heaved it over the railing.  Letting that thing drop was funny, the horns spun down and nearly impaled my friend waiting below.  A few co-workers caught the show and they were all sworn to secrecy.

Now we have Larry.  He is the mascot of my game room/garage.  Since he wasn’t mounted to a board he just kinda hangs out in the rafters looking down untill we can find a way to mount him. He fits right in with the pool table, dart board and video games.  He also makes for a great conversation piece.  I wonder how many fellas would tolerate this kind of behaviour from their lady?

If I sink at least I’m buoyant…..

18 Jan

I’ve found myself settling back into a routine that I’m not happy with. I’m starting to get the housework under wraps but my diet and exercise has gone by the wayside.  I’ve gained…gasp…4 pounds. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot but it’s just the fact I’m moving backwards. I was OK with holding, but now that I’ve seen an uptick I’m at arms ready to fight. I’m not finding the energy. I’ve got no inspiration. Feeling trapped, stuck, alone, unloveable. However these feelings general help me catapult myself into a better place. I will turn this big ol ship around and not hit the outcroppings from a little island and capsize the mother fucker, right?

So much to work on so little time….

Luke warm…..

17 Jan

Things are up and down since my change of heart to try to work things out. My fiancé has been in a lot of pain, sick, I think, too. There is always something wrong with him it seems. His previous gusto on helping me out has petered out a bit but not so much that it’s horrible. He has been a bit harsh on the kids, but he seems to take notice of it and they have been especially challenging lately.

I feel warm towards him but not hot.  I have no urge to kiss him.  We’ve had relations but it was uninspired to say the least.  I have sexual desires just not for him.  I’m not sure what can be done to change it. 

My health provider has found a new date for my therapy appointment.  I hope it can help sort things out.  I have not found a place for couples therapy but maybe I’ll start with myself and then it can help me see what I need from the couples sessions. 

I did get some good news from Tom.  He met with a friend who lives close to the area that he and his wife will be visiting.  His friend offered for Tom to use him as an excuse to get away for a few hours.  This will give us our window to meet up.  Now I just need to figure out what to do with him or maybe just where to do it.