Archive | April, 2012

The song that is playing in my head…..

30 Apr

With friends like you, who needs enemies?
You ain’t right, you ain’t never gonna be
You’re out of the car, I’m afraid you’ve been declined.
You shake my hand, while you’re pissing on my leg
I’m cutting you loose, I don’t need this misery
Your soul is toxic, you ain’t no friend of mine. NO!!!

You talk real trash, when I’m not around
To build yourself up, you gotta tear me down.
You’ll have to excuse me, I got better things to do
You smile through your teeth, you talk out you’re neck
Every chance you get, you’re going to stab my back
Your time’s run out, I’ve got nothing left for you.

I’m leaving you far behind
I’m leaving you far behind
Stop wasting all, all my time
I’m leaving you far behind, Yeah!!!

So I’m pulling out the weeds, I’m taking stock
You can talk the talk, but can’t walk the walk
Your narcissistic ways have gotten the best of you
So I’m leaving you to sink in all your glory
For you and me it’s the end of the story
Get out of my way, I’ve got better things to do.

With friends like you, who needs enemies?
You ain’t right, you ain’t never going to be
Your soul is toxic, you ain’t no friend of mine.

It might be a little extreme but it hits a lot of the points I’m feeling right now.  Will fill you all in later.  It’s month end and crazy busy.  Have a nice day!

27 Apr

Wonderful wise words.
I’m always excited to see what William will share next. Thank you.

Black's Jewels

I can help you walk but you have to stand on your own first.

Think of the basic premise of walking, then add in carrying another person’s body weight, you quickly realize there is only so long you can hold them up. This is the same when it comes to life challenges. I can help you get through the death of a loved one but you have to want to get past the grief yourself. I can help you find a job but you have to do your resume and decide what kind of job you want. I can help you exercise but you have to alter your eating habits and decide to make some life changes. I can do a lot to help you but you have to meet me halfway by putting effort into standing on your own. One you learn to hold yourself up, we can make…

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Our problmes are becoming his….

25 Apr

Last weekend we had a camping trip.  Our family went with another family that have a daughter about the age of our oldest son and it was beautiful.  Fishing, drinking, some hiking and of course roasting marshmallows.  I even tried to teach my 4 1/2 year old to play chess and he was grasping the concept pretty well.  The trip started off pretty rough though.

As I mentioned my Uncle passed recently and taking care of the family has consumed much of the time I would have used to prep for our trip.  I ended up starting to work on everything the night before the trip.  We were to meet our friends at the camp sight at 1pm so it was crunch time in my mind.  The day of we had some stuff we needed from the hardware store and I needed to pick up some food for the trip. 

I was up early packing and prepping.  I know there’s a lot to do and I don’t really like to be late.  My fiancé is still in bed at 8am, 9am by 10am I’m fucking pissed and have to wake him.  We’d been up late the night before him smoking or something me getting shit ready but still 10am when we have shit to buy and get to the camp sight by 1pm!

When he wakes up I start rattling off what needs to get done and try to start planning with him who is going to do what with which kid.  He starts to push back saying no rush we don’t have to be there right at one and it’s not untill much later.  I push back to him we have a lot to do time will fly.  He doesn’t care we start to fight in a bad way.  I made shish kabobs and couscous salad as well packing a million things. 

Well, to cut to the chase we get there about 3pm.  We start to unpack and there’s a snaffoo and he has to take our mutts back to the house.  My oldest son wants to play with his little girlfriend with walkie talkies but she wants to play house with my youngest son.  My oldest gets a HORRIBLE attitude.  He is scowling and stomping and says he hates her and doesn’t want to be arround her.  I try to talk to him and he tells me not to talk to him and that he doesn’t care about anything. He is sounding a lot like my fiancé.  I have to put him on time out.  I let him sit for his time and then come back to talk to him.  He still can’t shake the anger and I try to talk him down.  Ask him questions about how he’s feeling and why he’s acting out so bad.  He says he doesn’t know.  He won’t relax.  It makes me cry.  He’s seeing bad things and it’s creating bad things in him.  I try to be as loving as possible and let him know he can talk to me about anything.  I try to dry my eyes and put myself back together so my friends won’t ask why my kids bad attitude makes me cry.

Things got better.  My fiancé wanted to be close to me he wants things to be good but he doesn’t see that he’s pushing me away constantly.  My son self corrected and for the rest of the trip he was pretty darn, good they both were.  We had a lot of fun.  He says Mama can we go camping all of Spring for 96 days.  I told him we’d have to do it more and I want to back that up.

Sorry to make you wait….

23 Apr

We were flirting a bit.  He is a handsome Marine and I’m fucking horny, how could I not.  He was brining me beers and opening them.  His mom and my dad were taking and he was playing me music videos.  He only talked a bit about his time in Iraq clearing IEDs.  When my Dad talked about death I was distracted by wondering how much death he had seen overseas. 

He was playful and quietly teased he thought he could get my dad to dance.  He tried playfully to get him to boogie getting some good laughs for his efforts.  It was really quite charming.  At some point in the conversation I let “Get ‘er done.” Oh, how he teased me.  I don’t look like a get ‘er done chick.  Betty bangs, flower in my hair, gauges in my ears. I reminded him I’m hanging out with my dad in a trailer park of course I have a rough side. 

Shortly after he came back with a 2nd 18 pack his mom who was his ride said she had to go home to her new husband and she would need to drop him off at his grandmothers where he was staying while he is going to school.  I liked him and wanted our flirting to continue so I kept him.  He was new to the area and having fun his mom thought it was a good idea. 

It was getting later and my Uncle, his step daughter and her fiancé had just come over to see my Dad.  They are a rough crowd, fitting more than one “You might be a redneck” stereo types.  My new Marine friend had no jacket so he went into the house.  I followed him in.  He put on some more danceable music and he tried to get me to dance.  I wasn’t feeling taking the lead so I kept hoping he’d slide into me and press his hips against mine getting me started but he never did. 

Getting pretty tipsy I was getting more flirty and so was he. He caught me giggling to myself and asked why I was laughing at him. After trying my best not to answer (knowing my answer would push things further), I gave in and said it’s because I think he’s cute. 

We decided to try a game of chess.  While looking for the chess board he put his hand arround my waist here and there.  Our game was set and as I was contemplating a move he poked the side of my boob and smiled at me.  I went back to concentrating and made a pretty strong move.  Things escalated in the name of distraction.  Tickeling and grabbing trying to throw off each others game.  He finally got brave and kissed my neck.  I leaned over to him and kissed him back.  Then back to concentrating on the game. 

I ran my hand up his leg and he did the same to me.  Next thing you know he leans over and bites me hard on the neck.  Oh how wonderful, chills over my whole body.  Like he knows what I want to hear he asks if I want him to dominate me.  He pulls up my shirt and bites my nipple and I’m running my hands over his muscular chest.  I’m suddenly yanked on top of him kissing him passionately as he grinds into me from below.  I hear footsteps.

My Dad pops in, grabs a few beers and then back out.  We keep making out in short bursts I’m nervous I don’t want to do anything to bother my Dad (not to say he would be upset but I don’t want to have him feel like he needs to keep a secret of mine).  I stand up and try to keep my distance.  He steps into me kissing me hard and pushes me over the side of the couch grinding his hard-on into me.  I let my weight drop back and we end up on the floor…me on top grinding him putting my breasts in his face.

I get nervous again.  Back to playing chess, rubbing legs, chests, little bites and kisses.  My hand starts to evaluate the shape of his cock.  It’s just right for a lot of fun.  It’s hard and ready.  He pulls it out and brings my hand down to stroke his shaft while he rubs my pussy through my pants.  I start to get shy again and put my chess face back on and he squeezes his cock teasing me with what I want.  I can see the tip shimmer with pre-cum and he wants me to put his hard member into my mouth.

I want to play but oh God I don’t want my Dad to come in and me with my boobs out and cock in my mouth.  I tell him no with a smile.  He wipes it off with his finger and has me suck off the juices.  I can hear my uncle leaving so we button ourselves up for some good byes.  My Dad is now seeing them off and having another smoke.  My Marine friend is following me arround as I’m cleaning up.  Stealing kisses, grabbing and rubbing me.  When I bend over to get the trash he slides his hand down the back of my pants into my panties.  He slides his finger along my wet lips driving me crazy.  He wraps his other hand arround my waist and pulls me into him my back against his chest.  Leaning in close his breath on my neck he bites me hard again while he slips two fingers inside of me.  Holding me tight against him he works my ready pussy.  He’s up to three fingers and I’m moaning and wiggling against his hold.  Just a minute or two longer I’m bucking against him cumming in his hand.  After he feels me get off he releases me to turn around and kiss him.  Putting his two fingers in our mouths while we kiss.  Tasting my juices.

I’m still flush when my Dad comes back in to lock up the house.  I’m taking him with me for the night so he doesn’t have to sleep alone in the house he once shared with my Uncle.  My Marine friend hops in back and we drop him off at his house.  Back at my house we’re texting and he’s pushing for me to meet him.  He doesn’t know me so he doesn’t understand that it’s impossible for me to do without big trouble.  I know the next day will be very busy so I tell him if he keeps me interested that I will meet him in two days.  I ask if he will stay interested and he says that he kinda likes me.  We say a few other horny nasty things to each other and my fiancé walks up and pulls the phone out of my hands.  He demands to know what I am doing.  The phone loses charge and shuts down as soon as it leaves my fingers.  Trying to hide my relief I tell him playing scrabble.

The next morning I see my neck is bruised from the biting.  Some quick cover up and good as new.  I text my Marine friend that he’s marked me.  No response.  Later I talk to my Dad and he lets me know that my Marine’s friends Mom called my Dad to check on him.  I text that to my new friend.  No response.  I’m starting to feel a bit dirty but I wonder if maybe he’s just not into texting.  One more try, so on Wednesday the day we talked about meeting.  I sent text early.  Nothing.  I sent one a little before lunch.  Already I’m thinking if this guy comes through I’m not having sex with him.  I’ve brought a chess board (we never finished our game) my office had lunch catered so I can bring lunch for free.  So I send another text: “Hey, are you still going to meet me for lunch and a little game?”  Nothing.  A few hours later I text him that  an I’m not interested would have been nice and that I’ll stop bugging him and deleted him from my phone.  What started with a bang ended with a whimper.  Shitty to be rejected but it’s probably better off anyway.

Aside

Thank you for sharing……

12 Apr

I’ve been reading your blogs and the blogs of others. Boy, oh boy there is a lot of sexy stuff out there.  More than one of my regular reads likes to get spanked or smacked.  Used or talked dirty to.  Fucked hard and put away wet, dripping wet depending on who you read.  I’ve always been interested in a little spanking, hair pulling use me a bit when I’m into it but reading the passionate writings out there has really got me wanting to try.  Not the kind where your lover is nervous to Dominate (did I do that right?) but when he or she really has an air of authority and is ready to take what you have agreed to give until you tell them to stop with your special word.

Asking questions and being me I’m finding out more and more.  It’s leaving me with a different kind of frustration.  I can’t replicate a good smack on my ass or pussy without a partner.  Shoot with my missing vibrator I can’t even replicate getting laid but that’s another story.  Frustrated or not I want to know more so I’ve started asking questions and surprise I’ve started getting some HOT details!

These questions and interests have led me to making a friend who has a firm grasp of things of this nature.  He has given me not only direction but heartfelt concern and warnings on what not to let happen and how to stay safe.  No, he has never had a chance to spank my ass but he did send me a series of super hot messages that described how he would take me.  His leather paddle cracking me hard and slow at first and then speeding up. Directing me to rub my clit with the rhythm of his blows.  After I’m completely mad with desire he will hit my ass hard again.  Giving me all I can take.  Letting me collapse on the bed and fingering me until my he makes my dripping wet pussy cum in his hand.  Then having me to kneel before him and let him use my mouth and making me wait for him to enter me.  My pussy now begging to be filled, he makes me wait……And due to a surprise turn of events that is kinda how we left it…I thought he was teasing but turned out he just fell a sleep.

Aside

One of the many reasons I think I need a spanking…

11 Apr

I’m wondering if when I’m stressed or feel cornered I act out like a teenager.  Since things have gotten bad and I feel trapped I’ve acted out sexually.  I never would have kissed Tom if things with my fiancé weren’t so bad.  He was sweet I had an attraction to him but if I was really out on the prowl he would not have been my target. 

With him being so far away I’m finding myself very frustrated and I’m letting it branch out.  I’ve checked personals for available girls.  I posted on an affair weight but didn’t pay for it so I haven’t “reached out” to anyone.  It seemed like a good idea at the time because I talked to someone that had some luck on the site.  I’ve even caught myself staring at attractive people more often.

 This brings me to the reason for my post.  My fiancé met another stay at home dad at the park.  He is a fella from the Netherlands, he likes metal and plays guitar.  They hit it off and my fiancé invited him over for a beer that night.  I need to give him a name and I shall call him Olaf because his accent and his love of metal reminds me of Jay and Silent Bob.  Olaf metal! and then he sings Making fuck and making love bezerker….well I’m off topic but Olaf seems fitting right now. 

So he’s a pretty good-looking guy, beautiful skin, just below chin length hair light brown, gorgeous blue eyes, sturdy build.  After I get the boys to bed we’re all drinking, he’s playing guitar with my fiancé.  Regular chit-chat stuff, a few friends come over so now all five of us are chopping it up.

  For a few minutes I’m alone with him and I ask him about Second Life (he met his wife on the game).  He told me he DJ’d at a 2nd life club for pay.  He said he also made money building furniture digitally for the game.  Strange concept to me a total Second Life laymen.  He said you can put the furniture in your flat or apartment or your dungeon or torture chamber.  That he specialized in furniture that would restrain a body in different ways. OMG on-line bondage?!?!  I want to know more but then they all came back…plus I just met the guy so I try to keep my eagerness to find out more totally hidden.

Through the course of our conversation Olaf refered to his wife as a princess at one point.  Other than that he didn’t speak much about her.  I had mentioned something about wanting to watch the Game of Thones to check out the hot chick that gets naked and he lit up asking me, “Do you like women?”.  When I left the room he told my fiancé how he thought I was, so my little horny mind is going berserker.  What if he has a hot wife that likes girls and they will spank my ass while I lick her up and down? When he left that night he gave me lingering close hug.

The next night he invited us over for our kids to play and meet the Mrs.  Walking up the porch he hollers out hello sexy.  Nice condo, nice car….open the door meet the Mrs.  OMG she is a big lady, she is also signficantly older than I would expect a princess to be.  She is super sweet but is definitely not getting licked by me.  We’ll be friends though. They just moved here three weeks ago so she was very happy to meet us.  Though I feel a little guilty about it but I still wonder if he wants to bind me and spank my ass and I wonder if I’d let him. Only time will tell. Gotta be safe with that kinda of stuff.

Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.