Tag Archives: screwed

Damn, I’m screwed…..

25 Jul

So I didn’t plan for any of this. I was trying to get shit together in my life and then I met Tom. I was eating better, exercising and getting on top of all the shit I had to do at home. I was coming to terms that I am going to have to do most of it without my fiance’s help.

Work is going very well. Everything outside of my relationship was getting get better because I was working hard on it. Now I’m constantly distracted. I can’t stop checking my phone looking for his next text, picture or word on our scrabble games. I’m thinking of what can I say to him to start a conversation or just make him feel special.

I was doing OK at kind of ignoring my fiance but now I have no patience for him. I don’t want to see him be lazy, I react even worse to him being mean to me. I just plain don’t want to be around him a lot of the time. When my fiance is being nice and “good” I feel guilty. I know he’ll be heartbroken if he found out. Years ago I told him I wouldn’t cheat, I would just leave him. I had made good on that for so long. Now with the boys I can’t see separating them from their Dad but I don’t see their Dad being the best influence on their lives. On top of all of this even though I’m the only earner I don’t think I could pay for childcare. I hate to be dependant on him but that’s what I got now.

I find myself all the time dreaming of a life with Tom. He’ll say to me he wishes he could be a part of my life, that he would like to have me there to kiss in the mornings and make me dinner when I come home from work. Reality is he has a great life. He doesn’t need an instant couple of little kids. He has some awesome friends where he’s at and to be together he would need to come to me because of my job and my family. No matter how much I dream about a life with Tom I know it’s not really possible at least for now. I keep trying to think of how to tell him maybe this is too much for me but I don’t want to change our relationship. I love talking to him. Texting and sending pictures. I love the idea that someday we can spend more time together maybe even live together. The reality sets in and it just doesn’t seem possible or practical. Now I find myself tearing up at the thought of all these things. I’m screwed, I did it to myself and I don’t know what to do.

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