Frozen with fear…..

7 Feb

I think I know what my problem is, I’m scared.  I’m scared of the fighting, the yelling the name calling the lack of solutions and the feeling of dread that no matter what I ask my fiancé to do it will not work. 

I’m scared that even if he is to try to make things work I will never feel that spark again.  That he’ll never turn me on again.  I know I can have him do what ever I want to make sex more interesting but the thought of him doing it turns me off. 

I’m scared that if we stay together we will always live pay check to pay check. That my kids won’t get to play football or go to summer camp or learn to snowboard.  That every date night for us takes away an outing we could do with the kids because we are so tight on funds.

I’m scared that even if he says he will let me have time to myself that he will continue to be bitter and mopey about ever time I go to a work event or o go out with friends or family.  That some how he’ll hold me back from forming relationships outside of the walls of my home or office. 

I’m scared that he will forever be unhealthy and we won’t be able to hike, camp, sight see as a family because he will only be able to walk so far with us and can’t sleep anywhere other than a bed. 

I’m scared that my eyes and heart will wander again and seek out a relationship even more toxic than the one I have now.  That if I cheat again that it will go terribly wrong.

I’m scared that if I keep going on I will be miserable and if I break things off I will regret it. 

I’m scared that joint custody will happen across the country and involve plane tickets. 

I’m scared my kids will hate me for taking their Daddy away. 

I’m scared that if I wait to long that I won’t be marketable.  That all the good ones are taken.  That with very few friends that I’ll be lonely and have very few options to meet someone new.

The only thing that will make things less scary is to bring them into the light.  Talk about it, do something about it, face my fears.  Right now I’m frozen, overwhelmed and slack off when I have my chance to open my mouth because I just want some peace and happiness.

16 Responses to “Frozen with fear…..”

  1. confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress February 7, 2012 at 6:32 pm #

    I don’t know if it helps, but everything you are feeling is very normal. Change is scary. Scary as hell. And even when you think you’re prepared, you’re not fully ready for what the next step is going to be like. Acknowledging the fear is a first step. Don’t run, take the steps slowly and as you’re ready.

    • terriblytorn13 February 9, 2012 at 9:38 am #

      Thank you and it does help. I sometimes see people that have chosen to break up with a long-term partner and they are so sure of themselves and free. I feel just the opposite on top of not being sure if breaking up is even the right thing to do.

  2. LiesHurtMySanity February 7, 2012 at 8:49 pm #

    Those are exactly my fears, for the most part. My husband is healthy in body, but more every day his words and actions confuse me. I know I have to leave. I know there are other options than the unacceptable ones I see. I’m so scared that I destroy myself with worry and panic. I know I have sex with him not because he turns me on (which is false) but because he’s familiar and safe and available.
    Thank you for sharing your fears. You are not alone. We love you for who you are, who you have been, and who you can become.

    • terriblytorn13 February 9, 2012 at 9:46 am #

      I find myself in a similar cycle of worry and panic looking at the same options over and over and not even considering what else might work. Even worse not opening my mouth to talk about it. Thank you for the comment and your support.

  3. lovesexandmarriage February 7, 2012 at 9:20 pm #

    Torn… My heart hurts for you. As Mistress said, change is not easy. But life, and love, is not predictable. I wish there was some great wisdom that could be handed down, lead you in the right direction, but I don’t have it… Just remember, it’s your life. You can’t live it for him, for your kids, for anyone else. It’s yours. And you need to do what is best for you. The kids will adapt. They will forgive. But, if you do what is not right for you, will you adapt? will you forgive?

    • terriblytorn13 February 9, 2012 at 9:49 am #

      Those are very wise words. Thank you for your comment.

  4. f#@*knows February 8, 2012 at 12:44 am #

    I know all about it

    I’m shit scared that it will be the biggest regret of my life but at the same time I never see myself being happy with what I have anymore.

    So i’ve got to go I think…

    • terriblytorn13 February 9, 2012 at 9:56 am #

      Yes you do, reading your blog always got me choked up. I imagine there are many others out there stuck. Thank you for sharing your story.
      I wishing you the best my friend.

  5. transformingZ February 8, 2012 at 1:48 am #

    I feel with you. Maybe it helps to imagine that there isn’t any “right” decision. Every decision and change has its good and its bad sides, and whatever you do, it won’t be pain-free to any of the persons involved. – Even if you leave everything as it is, it’s you getting hurt and being stucked.
    So the best way out is to embrace the change, and even the pain, because it will help you to grow and develop and move forward. Whatever you decide, follow your path, and don’t look back regretting.

    • terriblytorn13 February 9, 2012 at 10:01 am #

      That really opens things up for me. I have been so focused on finding the right thing to do.
      Embrace the pain, I like that.
      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it.

  6. sexuallifeofawife February 9, 2012 at 2:31 pm #

    If you do split your kids will def forgive you…. They may be upset at first – but they love you… Where do you want to be in 10 years time? Picture it? Can you achieve even some of the things you want sticking with your fiance?

    • terriblytorn13 February 10, 2012 at 11:46 am #

      Great things to think about. This might be something I can use when I plan out how to start a discussion to either make things better or call it off.

  7. makingredwishes February 10, 2012 at 8:28 am #

    focus, breathe, focus, breath, step. (I say it over, and over, and over and over….)

    thinking of you.

    • terriblytorn13 February 10, 2012 at 11:38 am #

      Thank you very much, I so need to hear that right now.

  8. The Hook February 15, 2012 at 10:16 am #

    Just keep fighting your fears, young lady.
    I know you’re tired and heartsick but keep going.

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