Feeling crazy….

13 Feb

If I were to sum up this weekend in one word I would go with: Fail.

My weekend started off odd.  I had plans to go to a beautiful co-worker’s birthday.  Then I wanted to go see a show in a very small bar/restaurant that consisted of two solo artists and a little band.  My fiancé had not given me the OK to go to my friends birthday party so I didn’t make plans to go thinking he might not let me go and silly me didn’t want to rock the boat.

Friday night I’m cooking and cleaning away.  I hear him talking to his friend sounds like he was making plans to go out.  I sat for a minute and played with my phone and he calls me out about it.  Telling me I need to be busy doing the housework or engaging the kids.  Once I get the kids down for the night I laid down on our bed and ask if he’s going to let me go out the next night he said he is and he’s planning on going out tonight (catch how he didn’t ask me, not that I care it’s just the double standard that makes my blood boil). 

He starts to ride me a bit about not doing enough cleaning and too much fucking with my phone.  I come right back at him.  He starts yelling that I talk over him.  I’m trying to tell him he starts talking before I finish what I have to say.  I try to step back, change my tone and keep this conversation from turning into a fight.  Even after calming down, slowing down trying to keep things on track he starts to berate me.  Yelling, shut the fuck up, stupid cunt and once he calls me the c word it’s over I can’t talk to him.  I’m telling him if it’s that bad fucking leave, he’s telling me it’s our house he doesn’t have to go that he won’t leave.  He storms off. I go online and take the money in our bank account and transfer it into savings.  He will still have access to it but if he runs the card it will get declined. Hopefully it will remind him that when I’m not at home taking care of the kids and cleaning  that I’m fucking working earning the money he loves to spend!

He comes back to apologise.  He brings a joint and I smoke with him reluctantly.  He’s nice now. He says he shouldn’t do that but it’s how I act that triggers it (apparently once it’s triggered there is no turning back) and I can’t look at him.  I don’t want to fight anymore we watch Okie Noodling it’s weird and distracting.  I fall asleep as he waits for his ride.  I woke up at about 3 in the morning worried about transferring that money.  Knowing it will just make him angry again.  What did I do about it.  Read a few blogs posted a few comments. Rubbed a couple or orgasms out and went back to sleep.

The next day he was a bit pissy at breakfast but nothing to extreme.  I did some housework before taking off with the boys for a hike and a picnic.  When I came back for nap time it was like nothing happened.  I cleaned and organized and played with the kids.  I was excited about going to my friends birthday but now I was feeling apprehensive about it.  After dinner I put the boys down and started to feel very awkward about going out by myself.  Then felt weird about asking anyone to go with me.  He wanted me to smoke with him and watch a show and I did.  I’ve been looking for chances to go out and build a social life and here is a chance for me and I got all freaked out and stayed home.  It felt very strange.

The next night my Dad came over to watch the kids.  There was that show I wanted to go see.  I have sort of a girl crush on the gal who was promoting the show.  Not that I want to sleep with her just that I really would love to be her friend rather than just an acquaintance.  The music well honestly isn’t my normal type.  I found beauty in it but I wasn’t completely a fan, my fiancé didn’t like it very much at all.  The opening act was definitely not my speed.  So as we talked about going I got more and more nervous.  What would I say to the gal I like and how would it be hanging out with my fiancé who I even now feel awkward around and trying to keep him happy.  Let alone that the venue is so small I imagine the artists looking out into the crowd and being able to see everyone’s faces.  If the music is so so and my date is not my favorite company I might offend the artist.  I know it’s crazy (see the title of this post) so we didn’t go to the show. 

We got some dinner and went to a late night tasting and sample night at a organic grocery store.  It all went OK.  We got home very early the kids weren’t even in bed yet.  My Dad looked a bit concerned but he was happy to go home early.  We tried to watch a movie together and I fell asleep.  He kept asking me for sex.  I gave in.  He started kissing me and I couldn’t do it, I turned my head.  He started rubbing my breasts and legs.  My posture changed from relaxed to me curling up.  Hands clamped against my chest clearly an unwilling recipient.  His breathing was so heavy bothering me, grossing me out.  I just rolled over and let it happen.  No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me.  It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.

Pardon my long, whiney, crazy post.  Some times it feels better to get it out.  This time I’m feeling a bit embarased about it.  However I have been trying to keep an honest account of the things that effect my life with my fiance and my lover and this is it.  Maybe I’m going a bit mad.

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22 Responses to “Feeling crazy….”

  1. makingredwishes February 13, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    That was a flash back of my first marriage. I do not miss that at all. Horrid. I won’t lie to you and say leaving was easy but it was defiantly freeing. And freeing felt way better than easy, and being away from him was seriously better than anything I can compare it to. I have never looked back. He is such an asshole still. I am sorry you are going through this. I wouldn’t let any man talk to me that way ever again but it is so hard to stand up to them when rocking the boat makes it so much worse. I feel for you and know right where you are coming from. Thinking of you!

    • terriblytorn13 February 13, 2012 at 6:04 pm #

      It seems like such an easy choice, I feel like a little girl.

      • makingredwishes February 13, 2012 at 7:07 pm #

        oh no.. Easy, no. It was so so so so hard. It was easily one of the hardest things I have ever done. Best thing, most rewarding thing but hardest thing.

  2. wrongedandrighted February 13, 2012 at 5:46 pm #

    Maybe you need to reeally take stock of this relationship. Mine started to crumble after a few years of marriage, you are not even married yet.
    Look I am not trying to Dear Abby you, I feel for you, I do. But rolling over and taking one because it was easier to do so, not being you just so you don’t have the argument and walking on egg shells just to keep the peace, it just doesn’t sound healthy.
    If he isn’t working he should be cleaning, taking care of the kids, getting dinner together. Maybe I am being stupid, maybe I am projecting some of the things I am dealing with on you, but shit TT you can’t do it all AND be worried about his fragile ego.
    Sorry if I went too far. Just think you should re-evaluate your self worth and despite all your thoughts to the contrary, you deserve more respect then you are getting.
    Hand me my cup of STFU juice, I am ready, lol.

    • terriblytorn13 February 13, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

      No worries, no cup of STFU needed. The words in my about me section are still true. Good bad or whatever I need and want to hear peoples opinions.
      I do worry that maybe I don’t write enough about the good things but I’m at a loss right now for what they are.

      Please don’t worry about saying what comes to your mind and if you feel like you need to keep it private for any silly reason you can email me at Terriblytorn13@gmail.com.

      Thank you!

      • LiesHurtMySanity February 13, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

        I feel for you on the letting the SO have sex just to get it over with. I always feel dirty and dishonest and horrible after I do that, even though I did it to make him feel BETTER. It’s the worst catch 22 ever, and I hate myself for doing it, and I hate myself for NOT doing it. It’s no way to continue a relationship. It’s NOT a relationship.

        • terriblytorn13 February 14, 2012 at 11:28 am #

          Right now it’s like living with a step kid that I don’t like very much.

  3. thewhitetrashgourmet February 13, 2012 at 8:05 pm #

    Oh honey, this is no way to live. I finally left a very similar marriage after 20 years when a friend of mine pointed out that I was looking for consensus and was never going to get it. The next day I hatched my escape plan. I also never looked back but with three kids and a mountain of debt it wasn’t easy, however it was the right decision. I had autonomy for the first time in my life and it was glorious. Is my life easy now? No way but I’m truly happy and that is something. You only go round once, life isn’t a dress rehearsal. Make the most of it and maybe be selfish. It’s ok.
    xoxo

    TWTG

    • terriblytorn13 February 14, 2012 at 11:39 am #

      It of course is not always like this but it does seem like we don’t know how to talk to eachother. I have the feeling that if we split it would be for the best but it’s hard to break up the family and to…well….fail.

  4. lovesexandmarriage February 13, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

    Torn… I hate how he comes to apologize to you, but then still blames you for his behavior. That’s bullshit. I grew up in an abusive household, and let me tell you, 90% of it doesn’t involve hands or fists. It makes me sad for you. I want to come get you and run away…

    • transformingZ February 14, 2012 at 4:09 am #

      When I read your post, my only thought was: You need to get out of there.

      • terriblytorn13 February 14, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

        That might be the case. I don’t know if this can be fixed but I want to try thearpy just in case, he is the father of my kids and I have 15 years invested. Investment….hmmm…….makes me think of the saying throwing good money after bad….

    • terriblytorn13 February 14, 2012 at 11:50 am #

      I’m sure when he talks about me I sound pretty bad too. OK maybe not that bad.
      I don’t want my kids to say what you just said. They should not see people treat each other that way especially two people that are supposed to love each other. Thank you for your sweet comments.

  5. The Hook February 15, 2012 at 10:12 am #

    “I just rolled over and let it happen. No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me. It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.”
    It certainly appears that way!
    You should NEVER just give in! It’s your body, not a carnival ride!
    I know you’re genuinely trying, but you have to step back and look at this situation from my persepctive; this guy DOESN’T DESERVE YOU ANYMORE!
    SIMPLE AS THAT….

    • terriblytorn13 February 15, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

      Honestly when I read what I had written it felt yucky. Thank you Hook. I’ve got some good things to write but I’ve not had the time today.

  6. justhh February 16, 2012 at 1:37 am #

    Oh Sugar! Poor you.
    You would not be a failure if you left. You would be a very strong, brave and courageous girl. I was scared, god aren’t we all when we do new things. No one deserves to be treated like this.

    • terriblytorn13 February 17, 2012 at 9:28 am #

      I agree it’s no way to be treated. I’m still looking into therapy and we’ve had a couple of talks since I posted this. I think the main reason why I have this nagging feeling of failure is because I broke up with him before the kids and I wooed him back. I chose this and chose to create a family together. I should have seen in coming.

  7. confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress February 17, 2012 at 11:09 am #

    aww sweetheart! It sounds like you already know what needs to be done, but are waiting for courage. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. No one can blame THEIR behavior on someone else. Plain and simple. He has to give you permission to live your life, but has no problem doing his own thing. These are classic signs of emotional abuse. You already know that. It’s time to start living your life for you so you can continue to be the best mom in the world.

    • terriblytorn13 February 19, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

      Thank you for the kind words. My heart and head are at odds. I planned my whole life with him. I waited to have kids because I wanted to make sure I was having them with someone I would spent the rest of my life with.

      • confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress February 19, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

        I understand. You did everything you could to be sure it was the best possible situation for your family. I hope he sees how much he needs to work on the relationship and doesn’t just give up. There’s still time to change the path as long as he’s willing to fight for it.

  8. mzklever February 26, 2012 at 4:28 am #

    Sweetie, non-consensual sex…is rape. You may have “allowed” him to rape you because you felt guilty, but it was still rape. You have GOT to get out of there.

    • terriblytorn13 February 26, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

      I know it’s just getting worse. I don’t want to leave again. He fucked up our apartment and my stuff last time I left. Now it’s my house that I own and my kids. I can’t get him to leave he has no where to go, I can’t afford child care and I can’t afford this mortgage and a rent.
      That and there’s part of me thinks there is a little sliver of hope that things can be fixed so all this time hasn’t just been mostly a waste.
      Thank you for your concern and comments. Hopefully I’ll have something brighter to post soon.

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