Archive | September, 2012

Doin’ stuff and getting stuff….

19 Sep

I’ve gotten a lot done recently.  I put in a lawn, cleaned my car, straightened up and organized most of my house.  Got my hair cut. Yesterday alone I went to court and got the restraining order against Dick adjusted to make it easy to go to events for the children and allow him to use my home to see them when the rain comes.  It will be in place for three years.  I went to the doctor and with a little fight and two appointments I got an IUD.  I purchased needed clothing for my growing five year old, gassed up the car and got some wine that was on a great sale.  I went to the bank and got money for my fathers space rent and got a secured card to start to rebuild my credit after the bankrupcy.  After all that I made a delicious dinner did some laundry and cleaned the house a bit.  Staying busy is great now if I can incorporate some sociableness into this I will be one happy girl.

Tom has insisted on taking care of me.  He sent me a sprinkler and a timer that has made my life much easier.  When I found out my phone company was not replacing my phone for free he insisted on buying me a new one.  I felt very guilty about this.  However he is very sure he wants to do this for me and he explained that the smart phone kept our contact on a much more fun and convenient level.  He said he was willing to spend up to $600!!!  Yeah freaked me out too.  I was able to convince my phone company to let me upgrade early and give me an upgrade price for my new top of the line phone.  It only cost $200 it’s still more of a gift then I think I’ve ever taken from someone who is not blood and I think it cost more than my engagement ring.

After that last post taking such a kind gift felt really bad at first but he reminded me I picked up the hotel for our first meeting and our meeting in Sac.  When his funds fell short and we could have found ourselves having lunch at Subway I made sure we went someplace we would both really enjoy.  My thinking was that we had so little time together that I wanted to make everything as nice as possible and Subway is usually my last resort.  So I am excited to say I’ll be connected again soon!  Having no internet access at home sucks.

(Un)reasonable doubt……

19 Sep

This feels weird to write but it’s how I feel. My love, this wonderful man who loves me dearly and is going to move 700 miles to date me I am feeling unsure about our future. It might just be due to the turmoil I’m going through. I look forward to the fun we will have, the experiences we will share and the life we can build together with both of us working hard. Something in me is loosing the enthusiasm I once had. It might just be my own lack of confidence. Things have changed, some days I’m not sure if I’m wanting to talk.  Some times I feel pulled away from cleaning and days where I’m with my family and I don’t talk to him I get the feeling he is getting upset because I’m not making time for him.  However that might just be in my head from how I was trained to be with Dick.

He is starting to make little moves in his own life towards leaving his wife, his state and his job.  Cleaning out old things, paying off debt, having talks with his wife.  It is making it all more real.  We talked that we would date.  That I should date other men and he should date women.  His dating he has put into the less important category because he has been single as an adult he has dated and he says he knows what he wants and that is me.  Where I have no real experience, I need to squelch any what if’s and see if there is a better match.  I worry what if there is or worse what if there is a superficial match and I don’t see the douche in them.  Above all what if he changes his whole life to be with me and it doesn’t happen. 

Tom went on a romantic get away with his wife.  It was more of an attempt to see if there was a spark as they both have talked about feeling like good friends not husband and wife.  He said that they did do a bit of kissing at the start but there was virtually nothing else.  She didn’t try to cuddle up to him, hold his hand or initiate anything sexual.  It was her time of the month but there are other ways to be intimate with your husband and he said there was not so much as a hand in his lap.  He called me most of the trip.  Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.  I was cleaning one night with my Dad and was not near my phone and he called maybe three times and by the last call he sounded pretty disappointed that I had not answered.  I am even feeling that he’s needing much more attention than he has ever required even outside of this trip.  That is probably normal and the effects of the risks and changes he is taking. 

I wonder if all this stems from me starting a relationship at the wrong time.  He could really be what I’ve thought for the last year or so…..the best thing that ever happened to me.  I still wonder if my attachment came from having such a horrible situation.  Or maybe that I’m afraid of loneliness and not finding anyone else.  We are very different but a lot of the same.  With that said he is very different from Dick.  There will be no crazy tweekers, no douchey idiots that we hang out with and party, no doing coke together and he probably will not get along with a lot of the acquaintances that I probably need to get rid of anyway.  Those things are kinda scary.

These feelings come and go.  In fact since I started writing this Monday they have gone away again and I’m super excited to see him and eventually date him and possibly live the rest of my life with him.  I hope this is all normal and not just a away that my subconscious is warning me.  Only time will tell.  After I get a new life in order with Dick as a co-parent instead of someone I have to worry about every interaction I think things will start to level off.

Progress….

11 Sep

I’m feeling stronger.  More sure of myself.  Less skittish of when Dick will pop up.  What he will demand.  How he will act arround the children.  I am getting my home organized one part at a time.  I have started putting some of his stuff in our old grow room.  I let the housework slide this weekend because I was busy in the yard.  My Mom, Dad, Step-Dad and I put in grass!  I am now on a strict watering schedule and determined to keep my sod alive.  My poor puppies are locked into a small space while it sets into the ground. I chose not to install sprinklers and got one that hooks to the hose and sprays up and over, you know the one.  Well my yard is like a hallway 12 feet by 50 feet of grass so when I get it long enough it goes to wide.  I tried to Okie engineer it with duct tape, taping off a few of the jets but still too wide.  I am telling Tom about the problem and within and hour he is texting me he found one where you can turn off several jets and have it go 13 ft by 60 ft and he got a timer that hooks to the hose. He told me to shut my mouth and he has already bought it and is sending it to me.

My parents are doing a great job taking care of the child care situation.  My Dad has had a few doctors appointments on the days I need him and so far I’ve been able to adjust my work schedule to fit with his needs.  I need a third person that I can ask to watch the boys for a work day but I’m not sure who that is just yet.  I will try to get together with a friend Thursday who’s a stay at home Mom and discuss how she feels about hanging with the boys.  Her daughter goes to kindergarten too so it might be tough with afterschool pick ups.  However I could probably get my little guy on my lunch. 

My home is getting more organized, I’m starting to fill my grow room with Dick’s stuff.  I have let my diet go.  Late night munching and eating too much comfort food is showing and I’m back up quite a few pounds.  I’m doing a very basic workout routine starting Monday (two days! woo hoo) but it’s a start.  I am filling my house with healthier foods and will be trying to get out and hike more with the boys as I get my shit together at home.

New name….

10 Sep

I have chosen Anastasia13 the name means rebirth, the breaker of chains.  Seems fitting and it’s been a name I’ve always liked.  My Gravatar is the Phoenix, another great symbol. She is rising from the ashes ablaze with beautiful flames. 

No words…..

10 Sep

I am so excited!  Eighteen days until Tom comes to see me.  He is texting me sexy stories again.  I’m feeling more myself and masturbating to his sexy words.  The sound of his voice breathing erotic words into the phone.  Even just the memories of when we were together help me to cum again and again.  We are both so ready to be in each others arms.

I am trying to block off enough time as possible to spend with Tom.  It is too soon for him to be introduced to my kids as my boyfriend but we may set up a meeting in passing at a local festival.  Friday the day he arrives my Dad has agreed to watch the boys so we can have a proper date.  Tom and I will hang out in the yard or maybe the garage.  If I start feeling comfortable maybe we’ll move inside but I want to keep him separate from the boys for now.  Saturday will be one of the local festivals and that night I hope to get a sitter so we can date again.  Sunday I plan on asking my Mom to watch the boys for most of the day and stay overnight.  She does the child care on Mondays and I would love to go wine tasting and then watch the sunset at the beach.  Then snuggle in his arms all night long.  Waking up early for my favorite, morning sex!

Tom has given me a little teaser.  Something to think about before he comes.  He texted me that on my lunch break that Friday he will tell me where to find his truck.  I am to get into the back seat and not say a word.  Take down his pants and suck him off.  No words, no hugs, no kisses, just please him.  I am so excited he is taking control like this.  He tells me he has other plans for me as well.  I know some of you might be thinking; no hugs and kisses and I love yous after not seeing my lover for months.  I know he is dying for those things to.  I know that I can please him, we can have this fun moment and shortly he will take me in his arms.  Look into my eyes and tell me how much he has missed me and that he loves me deeply before kissing me passionately.  I can’t wait!

 

Aside

22 days and counting….

6 Sep

Tom will come to see me soon.  Twenty two days to be exact.  I am coordinating ways to see him.  It is too soon for him to spend time with my sons so I will be trying to line up child care to give us the most time together possible.  I think I will “run into him” at the park.  Just so he can see them but nothing more than a hello and then move on.  I will be asking my Father and my Mother to watch my boys for two of the nights that he will be in town and try to line up a babysitter for the third night.  I think I will tell my parents who I am seeing instead of lying and saying I’m out with friends.  I will give them the option to meet them if they choose too.  My Dad specifically because Tom will be brining me home and my Dad will be there with the boys in their beds sleeping.

I am so excited to be held and kissed.  I am nervous about the possibility of him meeting my family.  Is it too soon.  Will they like him if they do choose to meet him.  Will they think this is too soon?  I’ve been giving them a little information here and there.  What a great guy he is; hard working, honest and clean.  That he knows I need time to build a life for myself.  That I need to date. 

Then there’s my house.  It’s better, so much better.  I still have some stuff to organize.  My garage and yard are big challenges but I’m making progress.  My car is DIRTY but it’s low on my list first the home and yard.  Need to get grass in before the rainy season starts.  I have three yards of amended soil coming tomorrow so I will start hauling it back, grading the yard and fencing off the area where I will lay the sod so the dogs won’t get to it.  Maybe I’ll have it done before he gets her.  I’m so excited.

I’ve been having some car issues.  My Dad and I changed my breaks.  One of the pads was down the the metal and monched my rotor but it’s still thick enough to work.  It squeaked for a few days but now it’s mated and quiet.  The car has not started a few times recently and a few months back it died while driving on two occasions.  Tom tells me how he’d love to fix these things for me.  He hears the car door squeak and I know he’s thinking he wants to fix that too.  I love that idea someone who takes care of things.  Creates things.  Cares about me and wants to take care of me.  For years now every birthday and Mother’s Day Dick asks me what I want.  Every time I say a lawn in my back yard and the flat screen mounted above the fireplace.  I should have the lawn done myself now and Tom offered to mount the TV in the short amount of time he will be in my home.  Sigh…so sweet…but Dick might take the TV. He got the money in a settlement from his last employer.  So this time Tom will not hang a TV for me but you never know maybe one day.

What’s going on with my Ex (Dick)…..

4 Sep

Up to this point….hmmm I have a restraining order that includes a move out order in place against Dick.  He refused to commit to leaving so I had to force it.  Plus every conversation seemed to degrade into him calling me names a break and then teary apologies for how he just treated me.  He’s taking muscle relaxers, pain pills, mood stabilizers and anti anxiety drugs.  That is on top of smoking weed and taking heart and diabetes medicine and it’s just a matter of time until he gets shit housed again.  I truly worry that all these things could make him snap under this stress.

He is working for a tweaker tattoo artist wh0 we hung out with a lot before his life went down the shitter and became a tweaker.  He was to be living in a trailer out back of the guys antique shop but things went South quick.  The second night he was gone I got a text that the guy broke Dick’s guitars, amp and pedals or something and locked him out.  Dick does have my car.  He went back to work for him.  Part of the work is putting things on Ebay and the money goes into a joint account Dick and I share.  I get a long text from the tattoo artist that Dick has done him wrong that I should tell him how to find him he could fix my problems and make Dick disappear and by the way he knows where I live.  I talk to Dick and he says that not only is this guy threatening his life but mine and the boys.  This is over bucks!  I tell Dick to fix this now or I will put the kids somewhere and handle it myself.  He says he’s sick and throwing up but he will fix it.  I talk to Tom about it and he says some one threatens my family I would hit them upside the head with a 2×4.  Tom isn’t the type to be mixed up with this type of person however I can belive he would take care of business if forced.  I a moment of weakness I texted Dick: Are you going to step up and hit **** for threatening your family or do you only hit girls?  Of course I got no response.  He paid the guy his money and then went back to work for him the next day. 

I don’t know where he stays.  I don’t know when he’ll want to see the kids next.  I don’t know when he will get his fucking shit out of my house.  It’s all very weird.  I do know I’ll see him at the court date later on this month.  I wonder how it will go.  I just need him to stay moved out and not to freak out.  He has done very well so far.  I don’t know if it’s because he’s afraid of the courts and police or if he’s just as done as I am.  We will see soon.