Archive | August, 2011

Prison Wives…..

31 Aug

My fiancé called me in the bedroom.  He says you have to see this.  It was a show called prison wives.  The ones I saw on the show had married their husbands/prisoners while they were in prison.  They went on about how great their husbands are.  They are rapists and murders but these woman could not get enough of them.  One woman was struggling for money but didn’t want her prison husband to take a job inside because it would cut into their visitation time.  Weird stuff, right?  So I go back about my business cleaning the kids room.  My fiancé comes in and starts talking about the show some more.  He talks about how these woman are head over heels for these men that they have never had a relationship with outside of prison.  That it’s easy to get caught up in the nice words, a touch here and there if you spend hardly any time together.  I’m thinking of Tom as he’s talking.  He’s going on about how when you don’t have to worry about the division of housework and bills everything seems more rosey with that person.  He tells me how one of the women describes how she feels that rush of new love when she sees or talks to her prison boyfriend.  My fiancé says that it’s the limited contact that is probably driving those feelings.  My mind is working against me, I feel the stinging in the eyes like I want to cry.  I’m trying not to show that he’s talking about me. I’m all caught up with Tom feeling like a love-sick teenager.  That his every contact with me is electrifying.  When doubt sets in it goes away when we talk and when we touch.  I can’t believe I’m just like these women.  The exception is that Tom isn’t a murder just a cheater.

Can we make a date to…..

30 Aug

I talked to Tom today.  He had to be quick because he was calling from his “real phone”.  He bought a throw away phone to talk to me so the calls will not show up on the bill since his wife pays the wireless bill.  The minutes he bought had expired but he wanted to say he loves me so he called.  Right before he called I was staring at my calendar thinking of dates.  I would love to have an entire week with him.  The only times I can have a valid excuse for leaving for leaving are weekdays.  On weekdays I can say I’m on a trip for work.  I threw out some dates.  His buddy is his cover so he said he would talk with him and let me know.  We made plans to talk again after work.  Before his kid came to visit we talked 2x’s daily almost religiously.  On my lunch and at night when I walked the dogs.  Now it’s so unpredictable.  His kid is back with his ex now, but his new work hours seem to be where we are not matching up.  Now after our meeting I am so attached to him I am having these insecure feelings when he doesn’t contact me as much as he used to.  Even though I keep thinking we need to be in contact less I still want more.  The other day I woke up craving him.  I wanted him on top of me, inside of me, trusting upward like he would pick me up with his cock.  I know weird to be so specific but everything in me wanted it just like that.  I got out my vibrator and tried to satisfy myself but it was no substitute for warm flesh.  The feeling of his hands on me.  Him kissing me, enjoying me.  Before Tom and I had sex I could be horny for him and fuck my fiancé imaging it was Tom.  Now it’s so different it doesn’t work.  We’ve only had sex two times since I’ve returned from my trip with Tom.  Though I keep thinking I need to try to work things out with my fiancé I can’t find those sexy feelings I need to want him.  Because of his surgery (back in late 2010) he can’t be on top of me.  The lack of ability has really put a damper on things as well.  He also has gotten bigger since surgery so when I am on top it’s hard to work it.  When I think about sex I think about Tom and pleasure myself.  I have several videos of Tom jerking off (what can I say I’m weird).  I love watching his meaty cock in his hands.  I get wet just thinking about it.  I used by vibrator and came hard 3x’s while my fiancé went to run errands and the kids were napping.  I also got a shit ton of housework done.  I still have not found the right balance to function normally and still have Tom be as much as a part of my life as possible under the circumstances.

Oh so torn….

25 Aug

Yesterday was pretty nice.  My fiancé did some cleaning, cooked dinner and worked on our cruisers.  For the most part he was nice!  I didn’t get to talk to my love.  We exchanged a few texts that he would call me in the morning while I was at work.  I was so happy to hear his voice.  He told me all about the gifts he got for his kid who is leaving today.  We talked about his plans for the next few days and how we are looking forward to speaking more regularly and not while I’m at the office.  Tom brought up how much he missed going out to eat with me, holding my hand and just being together.  Oh and he said he misses the sex too.  We talked about trying to get together as soon as possible still not knowing when it would be.  It’s weird how it gets me choked up when I think of how hard it is to spend time with him.  I’m getting misty now just thinking about it.  I used to tease him saying “What did you do to me?”. He can get me wet just saying a few words, he can make me well up with tears just by being so sweet I feel sometimes like he’s put a spell on me.  The desire to be with him is strong in me.  I wonder how long it will last.

Now just a few minutes ago I got off the phone with my fiancé.  He was super sweet.  When he is nice like this it really makes the guilt sting.  He told me how he felt sick in the morning and was in pain.  How at about 11am he was able to get out of bed and get the kids out of the house.  He went on how the new medicine gives him headaches and the pain in his legs is worse.  He admitted he got nothing done around the house again.  This time he said he was sorry.  That he wanted to do more.  He usually won’t say that.  He called to hear my pretty voice and see if I liked his choice for dinner tonight.  He went on about how lonely he gets with no help.  When he says no help he refers to my parents.  That they don’t come over and play with the kids.  How he has very little adult interaction.  I did the opposite of what he has done to me over the years and pushed him to hang out with friends.  That he can’t be the only stay at home parent that needs some adult conversation.  At the end of the call he thanked me for the conversation.  Weird right?  Sad too.  Boy I’m a fucking bitch.  He can be sweet but it’s just so few and far between now it’s hard to believe that things will get better consistently.  Just another reason why I keep hanging in there.

Sneeking it in……..

24 Aug

How horrible am I?  This morning I woke up thinking about my love.  Thinking of him makes me wet and horny.  My fiancé lay in bed snoring away.  I closed my eyes and thought of the time Tom and I spent together and started to touch myself.  Rubbing my clit.  Thinking about his touch, his kisses.  Thinking of his cock slipping into me as I finger myself.  After cumming I still wanted more.  My fiancé still resting on the other side of the bed I pulled out my vibrator.  I came again quietly thinking of my love as my household slept.  My relationship with my fiancé is so off that we have a wall of blankets and pillows between us.  We didn’t build it, it kind of formed on its own.  The point is it’s there and neither of us gets rid of it.  When I go to give him a kiss hello when I get home instead of a hug I put my hand on his chest.  He called me on it the other day.  When he brought my attention to it I realized it did feel like I was pushing him away as I gave him a little kiss.  I feel guilty hanging in there.  I look at him some times all pale and flabby and hairy and think how can I cuddle with him.  I wish things were better.  I wish I wanted to put in the work.  More importantly I wish he wanted to put in the work.  I keep thinking of how different Tom is.  How I want to press myself against his body.  How much I love to cuddle him.  How tight I hold him when we kiss.  The problem is I don’t know when we’ll kiss again.  I’ll just keep hanging I guess.  Using my fantasies to get me by untill something gives.

A third……

23 Aug

Tom and I have talked about getting together with another woman.  Strangely enough my fiancé put an ad on Craig’s list saying we are looking for a girl to join.  First yuck I don’t want to meet anyone through Craig list.  He did it just to see he says.  Second the only response he got was a 50-year-old man who wanted to join, gross!  With my fiancé we can meet people and get to know them.  I’ve been with about 5 women.  I love how they feel.  How they smell.  I love feeling their hair fall against me.  Their hands on my breasts.  I love going down on them.  My tongue caressing the soft folds of their pussy.  Feeling that silky wetness in my mouth.  I get so turned on by seeing my man kissing another woman.  Watching them fuck gets me so wet.  Watching my lovers cock stretching her pussy.  Watching the flesh pull a little as he pulls out.  Fucking hot.  Alas I have not been with a woman for a few years now.  Since I had the babes I’m not in the shape I like to be in.  Also with the little ones we don’t go out as much so it’s harder to meet some one.  I can’t really pick up on some one in the grocery store for a threesome.  With Tom he has some friends that would be interested but they aren’t my regular type.  He has an account for an adult personal add.  He is on there with one of his friends not his wife.  At first I thought no way.  He gave me the password and told me to look arround.  After browsing the profiles I think it might be possible but I’m really scared of herpes and other yucky things.  If you rember I had Tom get a full check out blood drawn and all.  Well maybe I’ll try it, post a profile and meet some others who want to play.  I sure want to see Tom fuck some chick.  I know he wants to see me eat some pussy.  Who knows just gotta keep my eyes looking for opportunity!  Maybe I can live my dream with Tom.  My fiancé and I were kinda seeing this chick.  She was a preschool teacher.  Totally cute and sweet.  Fair skin, red hair, freckles on her nose and she wore glasses.  We talked about living together and raising a family.  My fiancé and I would work and she would be home with the babies.  I think that would be perfect a woman and a man to be with.  Two extra hands to help around the house.  Well that was my dream.  It would be weird now because the kids are big enough to ask about why is there another woman living at home.  Under the right circumstances I’d still be in.

Rambeling about last week…..

23 Aug

I’ve been busy this last week.  For my Birthday night we went to the local market and listened to a band.  I was on edge because I’m never sure how my fiancé will act.  He stayed on his best behavior and we had fun dancing around to the band.  Went out for dinner with my family.  Very plain evening.  I think after the cake was eaten and the kids were in bed he yelled at me a bit more.  Tom sent me sweet messages.  Still we could not talk.  I was happy to go to a golf tournament on Friday.  It was for charity so it was just best ball and booze.  It was nice not to work, be out side and drink.  I got home just in time to put the kids to bed.  After my I finished my work I drifted off to sleep with the sound of my fiancé again bitching at me.  I can’t even remember what his problem was it’s so hard to keep track of.  Since I finally had the day off the next morning I asked him to get up with the kids.  He wouldn’t so I handled cooking breakfast and was happy not to have a hung over.  We went to a ball game that night.  It was actually fun other than the amount of money he spent on souvenirs and ballpark beer and food.  Saturday I ran some errands while my fiancé fucked off.  We spent the afternoon swimming and barbecuing.  It was a nice day.  All of those days were nice days but I still feel depressed.  Hopeless.  I am having trouble getting my act together.  I still day-dream about living with Tom.  I miss him so.  I keep wishing my fiancé would disappear.  At the ball game I kept hoping a line drive would take him out.  How bad am I to think such things.  I just can’t imagine how it would work if we separated.  Kids going two places, splitting holidays.  I think he would have to move across the country and live with his family since he has no skills, no job, no income.  How weird would it be.  I was talking with my friend and she was asking what will I do.  I let her know that I’ve been thinking he has till both the kids are in grade school.  At that point I could afford child care for the 3 hours after school.  She asked have you told him yet.  I know I need to let him know but he is so mean.  I feel like he doesn’t value me at all.  I think talking about it would just make life with him harder and push him out sooner.  Maybe that is what I need to do.  No matter what I need to suck it up and take care of business.  I’ll find a way to work out this other shit later.

Crying on my Birthday…..

17 Aug

This morning I woke up the sound of rustling in my kitchen.  I thought that my littlest was climbing into the cupboards looking for sweets.  I looked to the side to see if my fiancé was going to handle it this time since it is my birthday.  He wasn’t there.  I realized that he was making breakfast for me.  I ate with the family and got ready for work.  Before I left he asked what I had planned for lunch.  I had planned to hit the driving range.  He pushed that I should have lunch with the family.  I told him I would.  The kids would be happy to have lunch with me on my birthday.  So lunch time rolls around and they don’t have anything planed.  We go to a taqueria and the littles is being a problem.  It’s my job to keep him under control.  We go to the parking lot and the little one’s greasy hand slipped away from me.  We were 5 feet from the car and he was going directly to it.  It didn’t worry me because we were so close to my fiancé and the car.  Well it backfired as I was yelling my kids name my fiancé opened the car door right into my kids face.  He cried so hard.  It was so sad.  I was flustered.  I was being yelled at and all I wanted to do was comfort my baby.  He kept yelling at me.  Calling me names.  Filling the car with his horrible words.  My older son tried to interrupt his rant.  Saying Daddy, Daddy.  My fiancé didnt respond.  When he did respond he started yelling what.  He yelled it over and over untill I could hear the words echo out on the streets.  We were driving as he was doing this.  I finally stopped my responding to him and focused on my crying children.  It breaks my heart he doesn’t have the sence to try to make something better instead of worse.  I have plans to meet some family and friends tonight for a show.  I asked they have some snacks and meet me there so we can enjoy the show.  He lets me know that’s not what he wants to do.  That’s two times today he ask me what I want to do and then tells me no.

What has cheered me up is my lovely Tom.  Telling me how happy he wants to make me.  That he would love to spend my birthday with me.  Sent me a picture of him in his kitchen cooking saying he would like to to be cooking for me.  He just got back from another camping trip.  I love how he takes these trips on a whim.  I came back to work and it’s kept me busy.  All I can think about is how much I want to run away with my lover.  Just have him hold me as we look up into the stars.