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Living in limbo….

30 Nov

Sophia had recently commented that working two jobs I’ll be so tired.  So far it has not been bad.  I’ve only added about 25 hours per week of work to my load.  Today and tomorrow will be special.  I’m a little nervous to see how it will work out.  I’m working 8:30am-5pm at my day job and then 10:30pm to 6am at my night job then back to work 8:30am-5pm then back to work 10:30pm-6pm.  I intend to go home at 5pm eat something then sleep and get up and work.  When I get home maybe I’ll take the dogs out for a walk then shower then go back to working….wow it seems like a lot.  I really do think I can pull it off.  

My other half…well I asked him if he checked out the work from home links I forwarded to him.  He said he started to then the computer froze.  I asked if he filed for disability he said he wants to wait for a friends doctors office to handle the paperwork for him.  Did he check with his layer on the injury case, no. He did make dinner and vacuum the house.  I should be thankful, right?  He’s also being needy and whiney.  He wants me to hold him and kiss him.  It feels like a lie.  I know I’m now a first class liar but the faking affection is hard.  Much harder than making something up to cover why I have a glowing smile on my face after I get one of my lovers texts. 

Honestly, right now, I wish he could just disappear, not die, not move, just vanish, maybe reincarnate into a happy puppy or something.  I don’t know if I have the guts to send his sorry ass away only for him to shift from being viciously hateful to utterly pitiful and back again.  The thought of my kids getting shuffled arround is also weighing on me.  My fiancé says he wants to make it work. That he loves me.  The kids and I are the best thing that has ever happened to him but he is in such pain he needs help.  Maybe it’s the pain and the diabetes and the pills, but maybe it’s not.  How long can I wait, what do I do?

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Wrecking shop like an addiction…..

7 Nov

I just had lunch with my Mom.  She helped me out with a little money.  My fiancé is out of meds we’re low on gas and we could use a few fresh veggies.  I will pay her back on my pay-day.  I gave her my good news I got a 2nd job!  I will make twenty-five cents more than minimum wage and work all night long.  It’s seasonal at a large toy retailer.  Another upside is that it give me a small discount on toys. 

 Not surprising this was not good news to her.  She is completely disgusted by the lack of help I get from my fiancé on anything financial.  She aware of his poor spending habits and how I have been a push over, not putting my foot down to change things.  We had a good talk.  She said something that made me think and reminded me of a post I read recently on Black’s Jewels (On a side note I love William’s stuff you should check him out).  She said she doesn’t come see my boys because she cannot stand to look at my fiancé.  I said how about you just take them to the park (there’s a park a block away from our house).  She said she really can’t stand to give him the break.  I have a feeling that might be part of the reason my Dad doesn’t come over much either. 

I know I need to do something I feel so trapped, without my fiance I have no child care.  Right before my job interview Sunday night we started fighting.  He is really sure that he does enough housework.  I was not able to have him make a plan as I was on a tight schedule.  Maybe we can work on it tonight.  Also the income thing, he says he was not clear that it was so dire.  I asked him what else do I have to say?  I’ve been telling him our bills exceed my income for months and that we need more income to make it.  How much more clear can I be?  I asked if he needs me to nag constantly and yell.  He of course didn’t like that a bit, I think.

Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

Riding Dirty…..

17 Oct

I had mentioned earlier how I feel like I don’t fit in at work conferences. Well of course I fit right in.  I had a great time.  Class went very well.  The food was good.  I closed the bar down every night and was up early and bright eyed for class.  One night 5 of us went out to a sports bar after class and drank.  We had been joking arround about signing karaoke then lo and behold it was karaoke night at the bar.  The other girl kept talking about singing I offered to go with her.  When it was clear she was not in to do it I had to make it happen.  Too much lip service to something that doesn’t get done drives me crazy.  Since they didn’t have any Pantera I chose Black Sabbath “War Pigs”.  I had a great time screaming out the song.  My group gave me a great applause.  Even though I throughly butchered the song I felt good because I made it happen.  We rode dirty back to the hotel.  I say that because the sweet little thing from a midwest branch was bumping some of the nastiest rap I’ve ever heard.  There were four of us in the back (one guy laying across all of our laps) and a big fella and the sweet little thing on his lap in the front.  She played the classic song “Gin and Juice” by Snoop Dog and we all sang along.  It was a great night. 

On the flip side the contact with my fiancé started decline with each conversation.  He was stressed out.  The boys were trying his patience and his body was bothering him.  Saying things to me like have a good time, sarcastically.  Telling my I shouldn’t go out, that I’m a sloppy drunk.  That men and women are held to different standards.  By Wednesday he was calling me names and just being mean.  Strangely perfect timing.  I hung up on him and texted back my own nastiness.  I used his poor demeanor for the reason why I was not in contact other than to tell the boys good night and that I love them.  I know it all seems so horrible but it worked.  Plus if you can count on someone to be mean to you what is really going on anyway?

WTF….

29 Sep

My morning started out normal enough I made some oatmeal for the family. As I was making lattes for my fiancé and I he seasoned the oatmeal and served it to the boys. I was bringing sprinkles for the boys to put on the oatmeal as my oldest asked for cinnamon in his. My fiancé said he already added some so I went to the stove to serve myself. It smelled like Indian food, weird right? I put my nose into my bowl of oatmeal and that was it. My fiancé added cumin instead of cinnamon. He took a bite before I could spit out the words. He said he couldn’t get the cumin taste out of his mouth …*giggle*. I made another batch and was now running late.

At work for the most part things are good. I’m the department lead. We are making record profits and when my manager moves on I pretty much have his job in the bag. At the end of the day my manager is having a strange conversation in his office. One of our top clients is bitching about how I delivered a final decision on their account. My manager bends to her request even though his boss had said not to. I had the authority to make the call but it wad an unreasonable request. We got in a long talk about how he learned to deal with these blow hards. He says not to wory about it but how can he expect them to respect my decisions if the can just push him around and get what they want. Needless to say I went home a little frustrated.

I was feeling sick and had a headache at the end of the day. It could have been that I’d had just some cheese and crackers for lunch and I was getting crampy from the time of the month. I get home and say hello to everyone. I ho into the kitchen where my fiancé is cooking dome stir fry and right before I reach him my stomach turns and cramps and I get a horrible look on my face from the discomfort. I say I feel sick. He the yells at me telling me that shouldn’t be the first thing I say to him. I’m instantly pissed. I tell him I said hello daddy as I was came in the house. That I truly feel sick and that’s the first thing he says to me every morning for months now. I’m crying now and go sit with my boys and space out as they watch sesame street. He calls us in for dinner and snaps at me because I only have a tiny bit of food on my plate. I say again I feel sick and he starts in on me again. He calls me a cunt at the dinner table in front of my boys. I politely ask him not to say such words in front of them. At that point he yells at me gor being 15 minutes late and I told him I was talking to my boss about a problem account. He says you lied in your text about just leaving the office. I try to explain and he yells what else do you lie about. What are you doing with your phone all the time. My 4 year old leans over and say do you remember how much fun we had at the fair without Daddy. He gets pissed saying how we’d lile it if he wasn’t around. My oldest said I was just trying to tell mommy a secret. The boys and I are done eating and i’m trying to think of where we can go when my fiancé says he’s leaving. It’s good for me. As he takes off on his beach cruiser I pray for a car to hit him or a freak lightning storm to take him out. When he’s gone the boys and I do puzzles together. I’m trying not to cry but I keep leaking a little. My two year old brings me a beer saying here you go mama have a beer. I have him put it back but thank him. My oldest tells me how he doesn’t like it when we fight. He says he saw my tears and and it makes him sad and gave me a hug. He asks when will you feel like your self again. I finally cheer up and we pick up and do bedtime stories.

My fiancé returns home and I take my muts out for a walk. Tom is already in bed with his wife 700 fucking miles away and I feel defeated I’m broke, I’ve got two great kids with an asshole that I don’t have the guts to stand up to and I need to grow a dick to get ahead at work. What the fuck!!!!

Donna Reed eats dollar bills…..

26 Sep

I’ve been trying to focus on my home life.  Though I can’t get Tom out of my mind I know I need to step back or something really bad will happen.  I’m not sure what really bad is but I’d rather not find out.  I was lucky enough to have a 4 day weekend and I went for it like a modern-day Donna Reed.  I cleaned, organised, did yard work and maitenence.  Made breakfast lunch and dinner every day.  Laundry, oh the laundry!  I took the boys on an awesome hike.  We had so much fun chasing frog and lizards.  We climbed and bounced on trees.  On the way home they were pooped and when we got home they could not stop talking about our adventures! 

I’ve mentioned before my Fiance has not worked for a long while and is a spender.  Well this has finally become a problem.  With his messed up knee and laundry list of medications and aliments he is unable to work and has not found any other means of supporting the family (or his spending habits).  It’s come to the point where I’m applying for a night job.  I work full time and my job has good pay but it’s still not enough.  It’s not only embarrassing to have to work a 2nd job but to say my Fiance doesn’t work and has no income leaves me open to get a lot of opinions and weird looks.  Strangely enough last time this happened ( I was pregnant) the only job that I could find was inventory for minimum wage.  I hope that is not the case this time.  Needless to say this doesn’t make it any easier to work on my relationship with him.

What’s up buttercup?…..

5 Sep

I thought I was on the right track.  I thinking I’ll talk to Tom a little less.  Try not to be touching my phone constantly looking for his next message to me.  I planned to go home and have some wine and be nice to my fiancé.  Maybe even try to be romantic, getting a little tipsy always helps, right?  My night started off well.  I got home from work and my fiancé was BBQ’ing some ribs and potatoes.  I had some wine he had some too.  We were talking in the back yard having a puff or two.  I started in on myself, about how I need to do more.  My backyard is a mess, my garage has a pool table dartboard and video games and is so cluttered we cannot play anything, various areas of my house desperately need some organizing.  As I’m stressing about all I have to do he’s trying to comfort me.  How we have nice things, we own our home and the house is clean just needs some organizing.  After a nice dinner, I start to clean up the kitchen.  The kids and my fiancé are watching a movie.  I have not gotten to spend any time with the kids so I sit down and cuddle up with my oldest.  My youngest then hops on my lap.  We are talking about the movie and I get a text from Tom.  He is letting me know he’s going to bed early and won’t be able to talk.  I send him a quick goodnight.  We are watching the movie all warm and cozy and I doze off.  I know it doesn’t seem like much but it makes my fiancé so mad.  The kids are up about an hour and a half past bedtime.  After the movie, I’m getting them put to bed and I’m groggy.  I say no story tonight because we stayed up extra late to watch the movie.  The kids are OK with this.  Then as we are singing to them (we sing to them every night) my fiancé says they have not brushed their teeth.  I say they can do it tomorrow they are already in bed.  He then digs at me for being lax on my parenting.  I get their teeth brushed.  I help my 2 year old but let my 4 1/2 year old brush without my help.  My fiancé comes in to check on us.  Making sure I’m doing the brushing.  I let him know the oldest is doing a fine job on his own.  He starts makes a few other rude comments that make me not even want to look at him.  Instead of trying to wake myself up and hang out with him, I just crawl into bed.  I’m a heavy sleeper, he is not.  He often complains that if I’m cooking or cleaning in the kitchen I make too much noise for him to sleep.  So as I’m lying down I hear banging and smashing going on in the kitchen.  It is way beyond a by accident situation.  Then stomping along with the banging.  I do what I’m best at.  Ignore it and go to sleep.  I doze off and wake up I’m guessing shortly after because my fiancé has turned on all the lights.  He’s being kinda nice all of a sudden.  We talk about watching a show.  He puts on a show I missed that he had already seen to pass the time until the new show comes on.  I fall asleep again.  He doesn’t wake me this time. 

This morning I’m thinking maybe if we do it, he’ll be a little nicer.  Plus I wake up thinking of Tom and it makes me horny.  I know fucked up.  Before he can even answer I hear my youngest rustling around in the kitchen.  I get up and help him.  He needs to go potty.  Both the kids are up now and I take them into bed and we cuddle for a bit.  My fiancé doesn’t acknowledge us at all.  We go off to have some breakfast the boys want cereal.  So as they eat I’m cleaning.  All that noise last night was just my fiancé piling things into the skink not actually cleaning.  I then see Tom has played scrabble with me so I send a few words and then think about eating myself.  My fiancé is now up and cooking something.  The boys are asking to go cuddle again.  I tell them I will.  I send off one more scrabble word and go to hook up my phone to the CPU to download all the pictures I have.  I have to install the program to import the pictures.  While I’m fiddling with this stuff the boys run into our bedroom.  My fiancé starts yelling at me that I told them I would cuddle but I’m too busy with my phone.  I start to explain what I’m doing and he just barks that I’m not doing what I said I would do.  Then I say I’m hungry boys I want to eat something.  My fiancé barks at me again that I’m not attending to the boys.  So I ditch my breakfast.  Send a quick message to Tom wishing him a good morning and that I love him and then go cuddle with the boys.  As I pass my fiancé, he starts bitching at me.  Calling me names.  Telling me I’m a bad parent.  I ask how much he really engages the boys or just throws out toys or crayons and goes back to whatever he was watching or fucking with on his phone.  He claims he does engage them but he has given no details.  I shut the door and just enjoy the boys.  After we cuddle for a while, I tell them time to go play.  Send them out to the front where my fiancé is and I start folding laundry and putting it away.  I do another load.  Run the dishwasher and hop in the shower.  I have to be at work in 30 minutes.  On my way to work I’m just beside myself I just picture myself driving all the way to Tom and getting a big hug from him.  It’s so not possible he lives 12 hrs away, but it just sounds so good.  When I get to the office, I’m alone for a minute and there is a ton of work.  As my computer fires up I check my phone and see a message from Tom.  The messages go like this:

Me:  Hope you have a nice morning…..love you.

Tom: You don’t sound like your normal cheerful self.  You OK?

Me: I can’t believe you can tell….I’ll be OK

Tom: What’s up buttercup?

Tom: Couldn’t you tell if I was unhappy?

Me: Yes…It just wasn’t much of a message….I’m surprised you noticed with so little info….Thank you

Tom:  I love you Kelli.  It’s my job to pick up what you’re puttin down.

So that’s where I’m at.  Working my ass off.  Wishing I was someplace else.  Trying not to let my co-workers see me tear up.  Thinking I’m gonna fuck off after work.  It’s a short day being a holiday and all.  My fiancé doesn’t know.  My co-worker that is on with me today is just about my closest friend.  She knows what a dick my Fiancé is and she knows who Tom is but not the extent of our relationship.  Since she has dinner at my house and hangs out with my fiancé so I don’t want to burden her with the secret.  We might go get a drink together.  I hope I can keep my mouth shut and my eyes dry.