I think he got it, shit….

11 May

It’s been a rough couple of days for me on the home front.  We had my youngest birthday and my now ex-fiance (it’s now on Facebook like that so it must be true right?) didn’t help as much as he should.  I honestly think he didn’t even see where he was falling behind.  As I’m readying the house for the guests, preparing the snacks and cleaning up at the end of the night, he’s following me arround trying to get hugs and kisses.

The next day he cleaned a good amount of the house.  Heated up some left over pizza for dinner while I dug on my french drain.  We had dinner together and somehow I felt like I needed to say that we aren’t all better.  Then back to work.  Digging until dark.

Later that night we sat in front of the tube.  I felt like I needed to tell him we need to keep progressing.  He needs to look for a way out, an income source this isn’t just going to go away.  It was rough stuff.  Hard for me to even say.  He just sat there looking slightly sad but mostly high falling in and out of consciousness close to emotionless.  The next morning I made breakfast and that is when the emotions came.  Crying, sobbing bawling.  I had errands to run so I took the kids and left him to his misery.  I didn’t know what else I could do.

Later that day I’m digging in the yard.  He’d been acting like he’s starting to hate me again and had unfriended me on Facebook after posting some sort of little sob that I’d told him he had to leave after he thought it could be fixed.  I went to look and saw that it still said I was engaged, it felt like a lie so I turned it to nothing thinking that I didn’t switch to single this should be under the radar but it wasn’t.  So, I went and told him I didn’t want him to hear it from anyone else.  Tom had told me he saw it on line.

He comes to me while I’m digging and offers to smoke some hash.  I do and we’re talking.  He confirms I’m going to the concert this weekend and that I have no sitter for him.  We I remind him go out the other nights it’s OK but did you have to make this such a big deal.  Then my 4 1/2 year old pipes up.  Daddy’s jealous that is why he’s so upset. My alarms go off.  My kid can’t think it’s OK to treat someone bad because you’re jealous.  I give him the run down right quick.  It’s OK to feel a little jealousy it’s natural sometimes but you can’t treat someone different because of it.  I told him about the Green Eyed monster.

That got my ex-fiance and I talking about the kids.  How I don’t want him to leave their lives, but I can’t have how he acts in their lives every day.  They need to learn work ethic.  They need to see how to treat your partner.  We talked about the times he’s hit me.  They are few and far between but he’s much bigger than I am and regardless of who started it (he says I did, I say he did). Men don’t hit women period.  He started to say that it’s been a long time since it’s happen, but when I said it was a long time between each incident he stopped.  I asked how many times should a woman alow a man to hit her and he said once and looked down. 

Here is where it really clicked.  I asked him how would his family’s lives be different if his Mom left his Dad when things started to get bad.  He looked at me really sad.  In my opinion his Dad ruined his family and still does.  He’s hit my ex-fiances Mom, oldest and youngest sisters.  He’s sold their stuff for crack.  Had hookers in the house doing crack in the bathroom.  He’s squandered the gifts that their Grandmother gave them such as a free house and mortgaged it until they had to file BK and flee to a state that is not community property.  His reckless behavior drove away his wifes loving close family to the point where they wrote her out of the will.  The only family member with children and they get squat.  Not to mention they rarely saw her and she really needed them. 

He said to me I’m so sorry.  You have been trying to tell me and I was too dumb to see it.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I see it all now and it’s too late.  I told him I don’t want to lead him on I don’t feel in my heart that things will work and I don’t see me wanting you like I should want a husband but I’d like it if you stayed close and built yourself back up.  We talked about maybe living together but not as a couple and I said the words, gulp, trial separation.  Then he left.  Hopefully he’ll find work and stay local.  I’m still not hopeful for a future with us but he needs to be with his boys.  He loves them so.

12 Responses to “I think he got it, shit….”

  1. wrongedandrighted May 11, 2012 at 11:39 am #

    Really tough conversation to have, but you know what is right for you and your kids. If this is a wake up call for him there is nothing wrong with that, as long as he understands that waking up doesn’t suddenly make everything all sunshine and rainbows. He’s apparently done a massive amount to your relationship and i understand of not loving a partner as one shoulld which is devastating in its own right.
    I hope it all works out for you, but for him as well because that is so important for your kids. Chin up (hugs).

  2. dawninflux May 11, 2012 at 11:59 am #

    Amazing, intense, wow! I’ll leave a proper comment tomorrow, I just had to say something right now.

    Big, big, squeez-y hugs ~

    • terriblytorn13 May 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm #

      Thank you, I can use all the hugs I can get.

      • dawninflux May 22, 2012 at 12:43 am #

        I wanted to have nice, supportive words to write to you, but I’m at a blank, and it’s another week already. So I’ll jump in and say hello, then run to read your next posts. *Hello!*

  3. Theo Black May 11, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

    This is very hard to work through, but you have no choice, because the future is coming whether or not you see it coming or want it.. You can control what your life is like, and he can control his. There is a rational way to approach life; doesn’t make it easy, but knowing what works for you and what doesn’t is the only way you’re going to end up where you want, not where you don’t want. –So, good for you, that you’re looking at your life and moving it in the direction you know is right for you.

    • terriblytorn13 May 13, 2012 at 1:24 pm #

      It can be hard to stay on track. I feel myself moving forward and then falling back. I try to stay focused on where I think I should be headed but sometimes I’m not sure if it’s really the right thing to do. I guess it’s natural.

  4. sexuallifeofawife May 12, 2012 at 10:53 pm #

    Hi Terribly Torn, I’ve been away for a while – but so much seems to have happened to you!
    You seem in dire straits at the moment – but things are much more out in the open! Good for you! Lots of Love Sophiax

    • terriblytorn13 May 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

      Yes the out in the open it’s a big deal. I was feeling that I wasn’t being heard and I guess from this talk I was right. Not that I wasn’t saying these same things but his anger kept him from actually hearing me.

  5. confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress May 13, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

    I hope now that he’s heard you and acknowledged his lack of action, that he begins to make steps towards changing. You deserve it and so does the family.

    • terriblytorn13 May 17, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

      He is making steps and I hate to say I don’t know if he will be able to do well. I hate to doubt him so, I’m a total optimist but this is one place where I’ve lost faith. Thank you for your comment.

  6. The Hook May 17, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

    “We had my youngest birthday and my now ex-fiance (it’s now on Facebook like that so it must be true right?) didn’t help as much as he should. ”
    Of course not! That’s why he’s the ex!

    • terriblytorn13 May 17, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

      He had been trying to turn over a new leaf…I thought it might last for a month.
      My friends and family all commented on how nice my house looked.
      Thank goondess I busted my ass before and after work to make it look good.

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