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(Un)reasonable doubt……

19 Sep

This feels weird to write but it’s how I feel. My love, this wonderful man who loves me dearly and is going to move 700 miles to date me I am feeling unsure about our future. It might just be due to the turmoil I’m going through. I look forward to the fun we will have, the experiences we will share and the life we can build together with both of us working hard. Something in me is loosing the enthusiasm I once had. It might just be my own lack of confidence. Things have changed, some days I’m not sure if I’m wanting to talk.  Some times I feel pulled away from cleaning and days where I’m with my family and I don’t talk to him I get the feeling he is getting upset because I’m not making time for him.  However that might just be in my head from how I was trained to be with Dick.

He is starting to make little moves in his own life towards leaving his wife, his state and his job.  Cleaning out old things, paying off debt, having talks with his wife.  It is making it all more real.  We talked that we would date.  That I should date other men and he should date women.  His dating he has put into the less important category because he has been single as an adult he has dated and he says he knows what he wants and that is me.  Where I have no real experience, I need to squelch any what if’s and see if there is a better match.  I worry what if there is or worse what if there is a superficial match and I don’t see the douche in them.  Above all what if he changes his whole life to be with me and it doesn’t happen. 

Tom went on a romantic get away with his wife.  It was more of an attempt to see if there was a spark as they both have talked about feeling like good friends not husband and wife.  He said that they did do a bit of kissing at the start but there was virtually nothing else.  She didn’t try to cuddle up to him, hold his hand or initiate anything sexual.  It was her time of the month but there are other ways to be intimate with your husband and he said there was not so much as a hand in his lap.  He called me most of the trip.  Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.  I was cleaning one night with my Dad and was not near my phone and he called maybe three times and by the last call he sounded pretty disappointed that I had not answered.  I am even feeling that he’s needing much more attention than he has ever required even outside of this trip.  That is probably normal and the effects of the risks and changes he is taking. 

I wonder if all this stems from me starting a relationship at the wrong time.  He could really be what I’ve thought for the last year or so…..the best thing that ever happened to me.  I still wonder if my attachment came from having such a horrible situation.  Or maybe that I’m afraid of loneliness and not finding anyone else.  We are very different but a lot of the same.  With that said he is very different from Dick.  There will be no crazy tweekers, no douchey idiots that we hang out with and party, no doing coke together and he probably will not get along with a lot of the acquaintances that I probably need to get rid of anyway.  Those things are kinda scary.

These feelings come and go.  In fact since I started writing this Monday they have gone away again and I’m super excited to see him and eventually date him and possibly live the rest of my life with him.  I hope this is all normal and not just a away that my subconscious is warning me.  Only time will tell.  After I get a new life in order with Dick as a co-parent instead of someone I have to worry about every interaction I think things will start to level off.

Sex, sex, sex…..

19 Feb

He told me that he couldn’t trust me because I whored around as a teenager.  You know that right now, he would be right.  However he’s always acted this way and in 15 years this is the first year I have been unfaithful and no I didn’t tell him that, but I remind him of the many years I have been faithful to him. I tried to bend the words perfectly so I would lie as little as possible. 

He told me that because of my Daddy issues that I sought out attention from men.  That my parents divorce and being neglected by my Mother who was too focused on dating my now Step Dad let me run amuck.  The Mom thing might be true but my Dad wanted to be arround me often.  He coached my softball team on two occasions and I was against it.  I was able to bite my tongue because him giving me the old family therapy bothers me due to how completely dysfunctional his family is, but lets get back to the point.

He told me that my sexual lessons were to have attention and fill a void.  I don’t think so.  I would liken it more to drug use.  I had sex because it felt good.  I didn’t seek out lovers that would pay attention to me.  I had some lovers that would just knock on my window in the night we’d go fuck and then I’d go back home and I would not pursue any other relationship than that, just sex.  The guy I was thinking about was such a great fuck.  He’d have me cumming over and over.  But I didn’t want the attention I liked the way I felt while I was making out, cumming and fucking.

I had ground rules. No blow jobs and nothing in the back door. My first real blow job was with my fiancé.  I had tried once very poorly with a neighbor but it only lasted a minute and only done based on my curiosity and I didn’t like it.  It didn’t give me the same feeling that making out or fucking did.

My fiancé used to do speed before we met.  I wanted to try to parallel his choice of being a tweeker to my choice of being a slut.  He did it because it gave him something to do he liked the way it felt.  I fucked and made out with people for the same reasons.

Once I got that first spark of attraction I would pursue that feeling.  Kissing and touching making me tingle, making me wet.  I can’t ever remember thinking to my self, “If I just let him fuck me he’d like me.”.  What I do remember is it was about me.  Me being horny, me getting off.  Never using lube cumming pretty much every time I fucked.  Some times over and over. 

There were times where I wanted more attention but I’d not say I used sex to try to get it.  I do remember when I was young I had a little thing going with a singer in a band.  I remember he was kinda weird hanging out with me hanging out with his friends.  One day he just stopped calling me back.  I remember waiting for him in the bar in the same mall where I worked. Waiting for him to pick me up and he never came.  Now I think I might just know what part of the problem was.  I was 15 and he was 23.

I have not gotten to tell my fiance my opinions about my sexual past yet.  He really has the mindset that sex is special and you should have a deep emotional connection.  Unless we were fucking that one chick then it didn’t seem to matter too much to him.  Oh I’m confused and a bit off topic, but I think I got my point out there.

Therapy attempt….

28 Jan

I went to my therapy session at my Big Box insurance provider.  They scheduled me for a hour for intake and an hour session.  When I was directed to a room with a bunch of other women all filling out the same packet I had in my hand. I knew this wasn’t where I needed to be.  A Doctor came into the room and let us know she would be giving us a 40 minute “infomercial”  (yes that is her exact wording) of the services they offer.  Basicly saying unless you’re in need of meds and constant monitoring you might benefit from a few of the classes they offer.  They also offered a list of non-covered therapists in the area that we might go to but it would not be covered by their insurance. 

Of course I listened and took some mental notes.  Some of the classes might be beneficial but I really was hoping to talk to someone more than once and one on one.  When I sat down with the therapist I was assigned to she was very nice and said that she could possibly refer me to the drug abuse portion of their program due to my fiance constant pain and pain killer use.  My colorful past and the fact I still smoke, drink and occasionally “party” she didn’t think was a problem for me but did think my life issues may be effected by it.  Such as my tough time forming friendships that didn’t revolve around partying and my…gasp…co-depedancy!  I’m sure this could have been seen coming. 

What is a girl to do?  The book that F#@* Knows hooked me up with is giving me lots of good things to think about but I still feel torn.  Things point to good things point to bad.  One chapter asked what my bottom line is, I couldn’t think of anything other than horrible things that no sane person would tolerate.  I guess since we’ve been so dysfunctional for so long and he’s not a horrible monster it’s hard to draw a line.  Oh well, I’ll keep reading and look into my company’s mental health resources to find something that will apply to my situation.

How to ruin some ones life 101

3 Jan

Start by luring him into your life at a young age.

 If you pick a damaged soul even better. Mine has a dysfunctional family. His Dad physically and verbally abused him and his Mother.

Find someone who is rebounding from a bad relationship. Mine just broke up with a cheating tweeker who was pregnant. He was convinced it was not his baby.

Don’t forget as you are doing this you should be smoking weed all the time and getting black out drunk often.

 Now this may not sound like a life running tactic but this is a very important part of making someone dependant on you. When life gets tough make sure you’re the one that takes care of things. If you let the other person handle the big stuff they might become self-sufficient making it harder for you to ruin their life.

To make sure you have your hook set be amazing, friendly and take pride in your appearance. You’ll find all the losers you hang out with telling the person whose life your ruining how lucky they are and how wonderful you are.  When their Mom says you are the best thing that has ever happened to them you know you’ve achieved the desired effect. 

From there start to despise how incapable the other person is. Don’t acknowledge that you’ve taken on most of the responsiblity not letting them grow into a self-sufficient adult.

 Now if you really want to fuck things up start doing an expensive addictive drug. I like cocaine but you could use pills or meth maybe heroin. Since you’re the stronger one you probably won’t have a problem controlling your usage but the person you’re ruining should form some kind of habit and a poor state of mind should come from this usage.

The person whose life you’re ruining should be pretty broken down now.  It is the perfect time to leave.  Go ahead drain the bank account take the car.  Leave them with nothing.

Now this is not for the weak hearted:  You need to woo them back.  They may not come willingly at first but some well written letters.  Flaunt your body.  Little gifts.  That should get their attention.

So now you’re back together.  Start talking about the life you should have together.  Profess your undying love.  Tell them how cute the babies will be. Tell them you weren’t being a good girlfriend.  Have lots of sex and give lots of oral. 

You still should be smoking lots of pot, getting black out drunk and recreationally using coke or your hardcore drug of choice.

Now that you’ve won them back start to build the American dream.  Get a second car, a house, a dog, make some babies. 

OK you’ve now got stuff you can’t ruin.  Get sober, be responsible and focus.

When you’re target can’t keep up complain, yell, emasculate him.  When he gets sick call him weak. 

When he can’t figure out how to help support the family take his debit card away. 

Refuse affection. 

Have an affair.

Work so much you’re not around.

Let people see how you have to bust your ass.  They’ll praise you and look at him like he’s a piece of shit.   

Don’t mention that you started this by making sure he had no skills to take care of his family. 

Now tell him to leave, no job, unhealthy, broken-hearted.  Keep the kids, the house, the dogs and let him have the shitty car. 

If he’s not dead by now he can see you rebuild you’re life better than before.  He can watch as men date you. Another man taking care of you and the kids. 

If that has not killed him you have surely ruined his life and it took only 15 short years to do it.   

I am not suggesting anyone should do this and of course I have not yet told him to leave.  It’s just what I feel I’ve done to my fiancé.  It feels like my fault, all of it. It sounds harsh but this is mostly what I’ve done though I’ve never planned it or tried to be malicious.  Looking back there was a better way.

 I’m a smart girl I should have seen the hole I was digging for myself before I fell in.  Now I can live in the hole with him or bury him as I climb my ass out.  Maybe he’ll find a way out maybe he won’t.  Maybe I’ll drag his ass out with me.  Without making a decision we’re both stuck.

Spinning….

22 Nov

Wow, to say I was not prepared was an understatement. Things went from I’m sure I need to get rid of this asshole to I can’t believe I’m breaking his heart like this. He recently freaked out a little from our discussions and my night out.  Where to start?  Well my fiancé has been fighting for my affections.  When I say fighting, I mean yelling and arguing that I should be more loving and affectionate.  Not a turn on. 

 I’ve opened the door to what would make me a more affectionate loving girl: 

  • Not yell at me about such things,
  • Make more of an effort around the house (he is a stay at home dad) and if he cannot do very much be aware of it and possibly be apologetic.
  • Be attentive to our money situation and contribute. 

He fought me on all of those points.  I’m no perfect angel but in my opinion, I’m worth keeping around.  Where do you find a pretty, hard working girl to support your lazy ass these days?  If you know tell me so I can ask her out on a date. 

From there the fighting ensued.  Then it broke.  He organized a bureau and dusted the TV. I cleaned the bathrooms, mopped, cooked, laundry, kids’ rooms and the kitchen.  You know what things looked good but there is still more to do. 

He then lost his fight and became mopey.  I fixed some dinner while he spent his time in the garage or in our room.  At dinner it got weird.  My son was not eating food and being a bit mouthy.  My fiancé tells him to respect his mom.  That he’s not sure if he’ll be around to remind him so he has to learn it now.  He’s now looking at us and tearing up.  Talking about how he’s going to end up like my Dad.  That he will become an afterthought for the holidays.  That I’ll be too busy trying to impress my new family to care about him. 

I’m now noticing his eyes are very red and they are not moving in sync.  He’s falling asleep while chewing, OMG!  I ask if he just took his pills, he said he took three. His pupils are pinpoints.  He starts to ramble about how much he loves us all that we are everything to him.  I know I’ve complained and vilified him but now I just feel so sorry for him.  I feel bad for what I’ve done, what I’m doing, what I think I have to do.  When he is fighting me I forget he’s damaged goods with a poor skill set.  I’m apparently not equipped to help him grow.  I’m not a get help kinda girl. I keep thinking he should be able to do it himself but what if he can’t.  I’m currently not able to afford therapy for him and I wonder if that will just turn me into the villain.  

 I was so not ready for the sad part.  I was bracing for the mad part.  He looks like a kicked puppy.  Before this weekend I was so sure of what I have to do, now it’s fuzzy again.

 

Wrecking shop like an addiction…..

7 Nov

I just had lunch with my Mom.  She helped me out with a little money.  My fiancé is out of meds we’re low on gas and we could use a few fresh veggies.  I will pay her back on my pay-day.  I gave her my good news I got a 2nd job!  I will make twenty-five cents more than minimum wage and work all night long.  It’s seasonal at a large toy retailer.  Another upside is that it give me a small discount on toys. 

 Not surprising this was not good news to her.  She is completely disgusted by the lack of help I get from my fiancé on anything financial.  She aware of his poor spending habits and how I have been a push over, not putting my foot down to change things.  We had a good talk.  She said something that made me think and reminded me of a post I read recently on Black’s Jewels (On a side note I love William’s stuff you should check him out).  She said she doesn’t come see my boys because she cannot stand to look at my fiancé.  I said how about you just take them to the park (there’s a park a block away from our house).  She said she really can’t stand to give him the break.  I have a feeling that might be part of the reason my Dad doesn’t come over much either. 

I know I need to do something I feel so trapped, without my fiance I have no child care.  Right before my job interview Sunday night we started fighting.  He is really sure that he does enough housework.  I was not able to have him make a plan as I was on a tight schedule.  Maybe we can work on it tonight.  Also the income thing, he says he was not clear that it was so dire.  I asked him what else do I have to say?  I’ve been telling him our bills exceed my income for months and that we need more income to make it.  How much more clear can I be?  I asked if he needs me to nag constantly and yell.  He of course didn’t like that a bit, I think.

State of the homefront a day before my departure…..

9 Oct

My fiancé has been extra nice to me as of late.  He also has been agonizing about how hard it will be for him to be without me for five days.  The boys are very rambunctious right now. The little one is very opinionated even defiant at times. 

My fiancé looked at me pitifully yesterday and said his knee still hurt and he was up to 12 pills.  Granted he said that at 6pm but it really freaks me out.  He said he is worried about being alone because what will happen if he has a seizure or passes out (which he has never done by the way).  I think he knows just how to play me.  I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it, but when he senses that I’m becoming distant or going to go somewhere he becomes rather nice and pitiful.  

We are very low on money but all of the families needs are met so it’s not a major concern, however when I go out of town he likes to spend for entertainment to fill in the void.  Going out to the movies, going out to eat, new toys, etcetera.  Last night my Dad came over for dinner.  He has been having terrible financial trouble.  He just got caught up and has a little extra. He has been doing side work, but still has no reliable income. Even so he always wants to help.  He knows we are tight and offers us money asking how many hundreds we need.  I want him to save the money.  My fiancé has made some silly purchases lately (one is buying a broken X box trying to fix it with pennies and a couple of towels), so I tell my Dad we’ll make do.  My fiancé chimes in that we will take what ever he will give.  Knowing I’m now in a pickle I say maybe we can borrow $100 untill my next pay day.  That way they can afford to go out to dinner one of the nights I am away.  It’s so embarrassing, my Dad is always so nice and friendly with my fiancé.  I just don’t understand how he can feel ok about taking when he knows the situation. 

So tonight I pack.  I’ll coordinate for my family and some friends to visit my family while I’m away to break up my fince’s house husband monotony.  Maybe then he’ll stay off my case.  I still have not told him I don’t land back at the airport untill 7pm on Saturday meaning I won’t be home untill almost 9pm.  He will flip out.  I think if I start the fight while I’m away not being in much contact Thursday and Friday nights will work itself out.