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Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

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Feeling crazy….

13 Feb

If I were to sum up this weekend in one word I would go with: Fail.

My weekend started off odd.  I had plans to go to a beautiful co-worker’s birthday.  Then I wanted to go see a show in a very small bar/restaurant that consisted of two solo artists and a little band.  My fiancé had not given me the OK to go to my friends birthday party so I didn’t make plans to go thinking he might not let me go and silly me didn’t want to rock the boat.

Friday night I’m cooking and cleaning away.  I hear him talking to his friend sounds like he was making plans to go out.  I sat for a minute and played with my phone and he calls me out about it.  Telling me I need to be busy doing the housework or engaging the kids.  Once I get the kids down for the night I laid down on our bed and ask if he’s going to let me go out the next night he said he is and he’s planning on going out tonight (catch how he didn’t ask me, not that I care it’s just the double standard that makes my blood boil). 

He starts to ride me a bit about not doing enough cleaning and too much fucking with my phone.  I come right back at him.  He starts yelling that I talk over him.  I’m trying to tell him he starts talking before I finish what I have to say.  I try to step back, change my tone and keep this conversation from turning into a fight.  Even after calming down, slowing down trying to keep things on track he starts to berate me.  Yelling, shut the fuck up, stupid cunt and once he calls me the c word it’s over I can’t talk to him.  I’m telling him if it’s that bad fucking leave, he’s telling me it’s our house he doesn’t have to go that he won’t leave.  He storms off. I go online and take the money in our bank account and transfer it into savings.  He will still have access to it but if he runs the card it will get declined. Hopefully it will remind him that when I’m not at home taking care of the kids and cleaning  that I’m fucking working earning the money he loves to spend!

He comes back to apologise.  He brings a joint and I smoke with him reluctantly.  He’s nice now. He says he shouldn’t do that but it’s how I act that triggers it (apparently once it’s triggered there is no turning back) and I can’t look at him.  I don’t want to fight anymore we watch Okie Noodling it’s weird and distracting.  I fall asleep as he waits for his ride.  I woke up at about 3 in the morning worried about transferring that money.  Knowing it will just make him angry again.  What did I do about it.  Read a few blogs posted a few comments. Rubbed a couple or orgasms out and went back to sleep.

The next day he was a bit pissy at breakfast but nothing to extreme.  I did some housework before taking off with the boys for a hike and a picnic.  When I came back for nap time it was like nothing happened.  I cleaned and organized and played with the kids.  I was excited about going to my friends birthday but now I was feeling apprehensive about it.  After dinner I put the boys down and started to feel very awkward about going out by myself.  Then felt weird about asking anyone to go with me.  He wanted me to smoke with him and watch a show and I did.  I’ve been looking for chances to go out and build a social life and here is a chance for me and I got all freaked out and stayed home.  It felt very strange.

The next night my Dad came over to watch the kids.  There was that show I wanted to go see.  I have sort of a girl crush on the gal who was promoting the show.  Not that I want to sleep with her just that I really would love to be her friend rather than just an acquaintance.  The music well honestly isn’t my normal type.  I found beauty in it but I wasn’t completely a fan, my fiancé didn’t like it very much at all.  The opening act was definitely not my speed.  So as we talked about going I got more and more nervous.  What would I say to the gal I like and how would it be hanging out with my fiancé who I even now feel awkward around and trying to keep him happy.  Let alone that the venue is so small I imagine the artists looking out into the crowd and being able to see everyone’s faces.  If the music is so so and my date is not my favorite company I might offend the artist.  I know it’s crazy (see the title of this post) so we didn’t go to the show. 

We got some dinner and went to a late night tasting and sample night at a organic grocery store.  It all went OK.  We got home very early the kids weren’t even in bed yet.  My Dad looked a bit concerned but he was happy to go home early.  We tried to watch a movie together and I fell asleep.  He kept asking me for sex.  I gave in.  He started kissing me and I couldn’t do it, I turned my head.  He started rubbing my breasts and legs.  My posture changed from relaxed to me curling up.  Hands clamped against my chest clearly an unwilling recipient.  His breathing was so heavy bothering me, grossing me out.  I just rolled over and let it happen.  No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me.  It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.

Pardon my long, whiney, crazy post.  Some times it feels better to get it out.  This time I’m feeling a bit embarased about it.  However I have been trying to keep an honest account of the things that effect my life with my fiance and my lover and this is it.  Maybe I’m going a bit mad.

Looking for answers everywhere…..

23 Jan

I’m all over the place again. My fiancé still is in terrible pain and feels sick often. He feels isolated and unloved. It makes me think of a blog entry I’ve read from MysteryCoach Doctors ~ Medications ~ Surprise Ending. She explains how you’re emotions can make you physically ill and I’m starting to wonder if our situation is effecting his physical health. He has a slew of doctors appointments and is starting in a pain management group as mandated by the pain specialist he is starting to see.

I’ve been listening to the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay (thank you F#@*knows)and it’s got me spinning some more.  So many maybes and questions if I’m expecting too much or passing harsh judgement.  Throw in his physical ailments and there is just so many variables.  The book talks a lot about people getting overwhelmed with the amount of things you have to weigh to make a decision to stay or leave.  I’m glad it’s walking me through but I worry I’ll end the book with the same ambivalence that I started with.  Either way it’s information that is helpful and giving me a new unbiased perspective.

Over the weekend he caught me looking at the responses on my blog.  I clicked out and told a sloppy lie.  After some time I told him I was contacting relationship advice web sites to see what to do about our situation.  It opened the door to talk a little about what we can do.  He doesn’t see why I’m so frustrated and sees me as a equal part of the problem.  He got a little irritated saying there is only one side of the story being put out to these advice people and maybe we should try couples counseling again.  I think we will have to do that.  I will get someone in my family to commit to watching the boys and we will have to try to talk things out together.

Things are coming together to look at this crazy situation from all angles maybe I can get my head on straight and finally commit one way or the other.  Jumping in with both feet and feeling good about trying to make things work or break things off.  I know for sure we both can’t keep living this way.

Will you still love me…..

25 Oct

I may have made a bad choice.  A poor choice of words maybe.  Maybe I’m just a bad communicator all together.  Knowing I need to focus to try to right things in my life I decided to do it.  Tell Tom that I need to talk to him a bit less.  We had not talked for most of the weekend and when talking on Monday I was a bit of a mess.  The bills, the house work, my missing him.  It is all building.  We talked about happy stuff at first.  He’s going out to see a band he likes tonight.  Then I start to tell him how stressed out I am.  How after my fiancé was horrible that it went back to pretty much normal only my fiancé was being super nice.  How I wish I had a partner that would help.  I’m up my eyeballs in debt and house work and how he (Tom) is the perfect escape.  I go on saying after going out to the pumpkin patch this weekend as a family I keep thinking I need to work harder to keep my family together.  He listened he didn’t judge me.  I told him how much I love him.  How I wish I knew what to do. 

Then I said it, would you love me as much if we talked less.  How could he say no.  I told him that I need to work on getting another job, that I should use my lunch breaks to try to get things together in my life.  That the night might be the best time for us to talk.  He seemed to take it real well, oh that and I was crying.  He said he wishes he could give me what I need.  That he could help me.  Just talking with him and my short time being with him helps, the perfect escape.  I thank him for the camping trip, for being someone who is kinda normal that loves me.  I clean myself up and go back to work.

That night after dinner I’m in neurotic cleaning mode moping sweeping, toilets, dishes, counters laundry.  Tom had said “we have plans to go to the show” I think meaning his wife, so I’m not trying to get out to talk to him.  I get a message that he just got to the show.  Later I get these bands suck.  Later on I get ” So is the talking less a way of distancing yourself or giving yourself more time to accomplish tasks?”.  I’m starting to think I should have gone out to walk the muts and talk to him.  My response ” I think both, I’m cleaning right now and I think I love y ou a little more than is OK.  Part reality check part neurotic fix stuff mission.” I’m starting to feel weird and anxious.  I didn’t even think about hurting his feelings.  Even though he loves me I think it’s different that he could go for years with out talking to me and still love me, but he doesn’t need me.  He has a good wife and a good life.  In my mind I’m the one that would benefit from him, I would just be a burden to him other than the sex and stuff.  His reply “….It makes sence to me….but I’ve been drinking….and I mean I’m D runk.”  I tell him I wish I could be there.  How I’d love to get D runk with him (we were pretty drunk the first night we kissed but not D runk!) after a few more cute texts we send our good nights. 

Now our no worries, no strings relationship has gotten complicated.  For the first time I’m worried that I hurt his feelings.  I don’t know how to ask.  Now I wish didn’t draw a line in the sand cutting off our lunch talks.  It might be nothing, I sent him a text  saying I’m worried that I might have hurt his feelings.  Nothing.  I sent later that getting people to take my résumé in person is harder than I thought.  His response could have been an answer to both “Really, I thought you were unshakeable.”  Now nothing.  I’ve done it to myself.  I hope he stays up to talk to me tonight.  This could all be so simple why do I have to complicate things?

Into the unknown….

27 Sep

I’m going to see him again!!!  I’m so excited!  I am going on a business trip and will have my corporate travel coordinator fly me to his town instead of back home.  We will spend the first night together in town and we will go to a secluded hot spring he has told me all about for the next night and camp out!  I love camping.  When he had suggested this at first I was surprised as it’s a 2 hour drive but then thinking of being in his arms by the campfire under the stars I realized how perfect this will be.  The hot springs is a fast running natural pool.  So we will have our own private hot tub.  He also is very excited.  We thought about me staying one day longer but I don’t think my alibi will cover me that long.  It is not as long a visit as I had hoped.  It’s going to be great though.  We both love the outdoors and have talked about camping so this will be an amazing opportunity. 

I’m very nervous.  My business trip extending to Saturday is a big stretch.  I think it should work but risk of being questioned is high.  Also the area we are staying in has no cell reception, so that will be a little hard to explain.  Usually on my business trips by the 2nd or 3rd night my fiancé and I are fighting so that might work.  I leaving in about two weeks so I have a bit of time to try to work this out.

Donna Reed eats dollar bills…..

26 Sep

I’ve been trying to focus on my home life.  Though I can’t get Tom out of my mind I know I need to step back or something really bad will happen.  I’m not sure what really bad is but I’d rather not find out.  I was lucky enough to have a 4 day weekend and I went for it like a modern-day Donna Reed.  I cleaned, organised, did yard work and maitenence.  Made breakfast lunch and dinner every day.  Laundry, oh the laundry!  I took the boys on an awesome hike.  We had so much fun chasing frog and lizards.  We climbed and bounced on trees.  On the way home they were pooped and when we got home they could not stop talking about our adventures! 

I’ve mentioned before my Fiance has not worked for a long while and is a spender.  Well this has finally become a problem.  With his messed up knee and laundry list of medications and aliments he is unable to work and has not found any other means of supporting the family (or his spending habits).  It’s come to the point where I’m applying for a night job.  I work full time and my job has good pay but it’s still not enough.  It’s not only embarrassing to have to work a 2nd job but to say my Fiance doesn’t work and has no income leaves me open to get a lot of opinions and weird looks.  Strangely enough last time this happened ( I was pregnant) the only job that I could find was inventory for minimum wage.  I hope that is not the case this time.  Needless to say this doesn’t make it any easier to work on my relationship with him.

Pinned up and pinned down….

18 Sep

Today I’m hung over.  Not too badly but it’s not something I’ve dealt with for a long while.  I am working today. It’s easier to work hangover than be at home with the boys.  My fiancé and I went out to a party.  It was a Pin Up party.  All the girls had their hair curled with flowers or bandanas on.  Cute old-school dresses and lots of polka dots.  I started drinking at the house so I wouldn’t have to drive.  I rarely get out so why should I have to be the DD?  Everyone was happy to see me.  The music was horrible but after a while it was easy to drown out.  We had champagne, rum, vodka and whiskey.  Bong rips and key bumps.  I was pretty fucked up having a great time mingling with everyone when I noticed it was 2:30am.  We needed to get home!  I don’t remember the ride home.  I know from my fiancé that my Dad was kinda mad at us for having him stay late watching the kids.  

After he left my fiancé and I started fooling arround.  My memory fades in an out but I do remember him fucking me hard standing while I kneeled at the edge of the bed.  I let him rub my ass with his cock.  He started to push in and it felt good so I let him.  I turned over on my back and spread my legs showing off my pussy as he fucked my ass.  I guided his hand and had him finger me as he came in me.  As he was getting off he was moaning with pleasure.  With him finishing I knew I could give in and enjoy a great orgasm.  The next morning I surveyed the damage.  Cloths all over the living room.  Pizza over our head-board.  Sheets a mess and my butt feels funny.  I just wish I could remember more.