Archive | weed RSS feed for this section

River daze…..

15 Aug

My love had to work on Thursday.  He gave me his truck again and like last time he left me his nice sunglasses as I didn’t have any.  I had talked to a few people and we had planned to float the river.  I’ve floated the local river where I live.  We take truck inner tubes and coolers of beer or drink bottles of mixed drinks and its a flashing trail of debauchery.  We make stops to drink and smoke weed and it’s crazy.  Well they do it different.  There are lot’s of floaters and you launch and land in designated parks.  There is talk of floating police looking for people drinking.  different but I’m still so excited to go.

So the singer for the band that got Tom and I together Randy, the pregnant girl who works at Adam and Eve Mandy, her friend who we met at the bar Moon and Will’s fun lesbian friend that he kisses some times Shawn are going to be the floating crew.  I meet up with Mandy first and we get together our sandwiches, fruit, waters and some box wine. We grab Randy and then head over to get our floats.  Moon was already following us in her truck.  We make it to the first park and we’re waiting for Shawn.  We eat lunch, chit chat…and wait and wait….she finaly shows up and we’re HOT and ready. 

Everyone loads into Tom’s truck and I drive our crew to the drop in point.  While I park they blow up our rafts. There is air compressors at the park.  Freakin’ sweet!  I’m in a raft with Moon.  Shawn is on her own on a lounger.  Mandy and Randy are together.  The river is fast and kinda chilly.  There are families with young kids floating in nice rafts with life vests.  It’s cool but weird.  I have our wine out of the box in just a bag.  I have two juice bottles that I’m using for the wine. 

Right off the bat I let us hit the trees on the shore getting a good laugh.  Shawn pops the back on her lounger and comes aboard with Moon and I.  I am doing terrible on paddling and managing the lounger.  I hop overboard and float on the backless lounger.  I get left behind for a bit but we find a way to catch up.  My fruit is now in the bottom of the raft.  The wine is starting to do the trick and I’ve now popped the main part of the lounger so I come aboard with the girls.  Shawn is our captain and she is hilarious.  We catch up to Mandy and Randy.  He is navigating perfectly and his lovely passenger is enjoying the ride.  Tom had given me his water proof camera so I’m taking pics and having a great time.  At one point Shawn slips up and runs us right into a tree.  That I straight arm and push us away from saving our raft!  We hit so hard that I broke the plastic juice cap that I had in my hand. Moon flashes Mandy and Mandy misses it.  We get her attention and I tease Randy not to look and flash with Moom.  He does good and doesn’t look!  A little later Moon falls out and I go to save her but I grab her leg and inadvertently hold her under a little longer that if I hadn’t tried to help her. 

The trip was great everyone was so cool.  We really wanted to just do it again.  As we pack into the trucks I tell Randy how proud I am that he didn’t look.  He’s Tom’s good friend so he goes on about respect for Tom.  I tease him again and give him a good flash.  I tell him Tom is OK with it and I was just being silly.  Shaun needed me to bring her something from the truck so after every one separated I went back to Shawn’s house and had a puff of weed and played some ping pong.  She is so sweet.  Mandy had invited us to dinner at her house and I didn’t commit because Tom and I really wanted to cook together and tonight was our last chance at dinner.  It was a great day and I was looking forward to another great night with him.

Feeling crazy….

13 Feb

If I were to sum up this weekend in one word I would go with: Fail.

My weekend started off odd.  I had plans to go to a beautiful co-worker’s birthday.  Then I wanted to go see a show in a very small bar/restaurant that consisted of two solo artists and a little band.  My fiancé had not given me the OK to go to my friends birthday party so I didn’t make plans to go thinking he might not let me go and silly me didn’t want to rock the boat.

Friday night I’m cooking and cleaning away.  I hear him talking to his friend sounds like he was making plans to go out.  I sat for a minute and played with my phone and he calls me out about it.  Telling me I need to be busy doing the housework or engaging the kids.  Once I get the kids down for the night I laid down on our bed and ask if he’s going to let me go out the next night he said he is and he’s planning on going out tonight (catch how he didn’t ask me, not that I care it’s just the double standard that makes my blood boil). 

He starts to ride me a bit about not doing enough cleaning and too much fucking with my phone.  I come right back at him.  He starts yelling that I talk over him.  I’m trying to tell him he starts talking before I finish what I have to say.  I try to step back, change my tone and keep this conversation from turning into a fight.  Even after calming down, slowing down trying to keep things on track he starts to berate me.  Yelling, shut the fuck up, stupid cunt and once he calls me the c word it’s over I can’t talk to him.  I’m telling him if it’s that bad fucking leave, he’s telling me it’s our house he doesn’t have to go that he won’t leave.  He storms off. I go online and take the money in our bank account and transfer it into savings.  He will still have access to it but if he runs the card it will get declined. Hopefully it will remind him that when I’m not at home taking care of the kids and cleaning  that I’m fucking working earning the money he loves to spend!

He comes back to apologise.  He brings a joint and I smoke with him reluctantly.  He’s nice now. He says he shouldn’t do that but it’s how I act that triggers it (apparently once it’s triggered there is no turning back) and I can’t look at him.  I don’t want to fight anymore we watch Okie Noodling it’s weird and distracting.  I fall asleep as he waits for his ride.  I woke up at about 3 in the morning worried about transferring that money.  Knowing it will just make him angry again.  What did I do about it.  Read a few blogs posted a few comments. Rubbed a couple or orgasms out and went back to sleep.

The next day he was a bit pissy at breakfast but nothing to extreme.  I did some housework before taking off with the boys for a hike and a picnic.  When I came back for nap time it was like nothing happened.  I cleaned and organized and played with the kids.  I was excited about going to my friends birthday but now I was feeling apprehensive about it.  After dinner I put the boys down and started to feel very awkward about going out by myself.  Then felt weird about asking anyone to go with me.  He wanted me to smoke with him and watch a show and I did.  I’ve been looking for chances to go out and build a social life and here is a chance for me and I got all freaked out and stayed home.  It felt very strange.

The next night my Dad came over to watch the kids.  There was that show I wanted to go see.  I have sort of a girl crush on the gal who was promoting the show.  Not that I want to sleep with her just that I really would love to be her friend rather than just an acquaintance.  The music well honestly isn’t my normal type.  I found beauty in it but I wasn’t completely a fan, my fiancé didn’t like it very much at all.  The opening act was definitely not my speed.  So as we talked about going I got more and more nervous.  What would I say to the gal I like and how would it be hanging out with my fiancé who I even now feel awkward around and trying to keep him happy.  Let alone that the venue is so small I imagine the artists looking out into the crowd and being able to see everyone’s faces.  If the music is so so and my date is not my favorite company I might offend the artist.  I know it’s crazy (see the title of this post) so we didn’t go to the show. 

We got some dinner and went to a late night tasting and sample night at a organic grocery store.  It all went OK.  We got home very early the kids weren’t even in bed yet.  My Dad looked a bit concerned but he was happy to go home early.  We tried to watch a movie together and I fell asleep.  He kept asking me for sex.  I gave in.  He started kissing me and I couldn’t do it, I turned my head.  He started rubbing my breasts and legs.  My posture changed from relaxed to me curling up.  Hands clamped against my chest clearly an unwilling recipient.  His breathing was so heavy bothering me, grossing me out.  I just rolled over and let it happen.  No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me.  It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.

Pardon my long, whiney, crazy post.  Some times it feels better to get it out.  This time I’m feeling a bit embarased about it.  However I have been trying to keep an honest account of the things that effect my life with my fiance and my lover and this is it.  Maybe I’m going a bit mad.

Rambeling about myself…..

14 Aug

In a nut shell my situation is this.  I’m with my fiancé who I’ve been together with for 15 years now.  We have been together since high school.  We have two kids under the age of 5, two dogs, a house and two cars.  Kinda like the American dream right?  Well that’s the short version.  I feel the need to give the long version now. 

We are both high school drop-outs.  I some have a great job even though I’m quite the fuck up.  I’ve smoked weed well over half of my time on this earth.  I got my job at before they started drug testing.  I enjoy using a variety of tamer drugs for recreation when the time is right.  Before my kids I used to trip about once a month.  Do E about every so often and do blow well probably 4-5 nights a week.  Don’t even ask about the drinking.  Even with all this I always showed up to work and performed.  I have a grow room all my own.  When it’s working I stay up late caring for my ladies and playing chemist with all the supplements that a hydro system needs.  I listen to metal, psychobilly, reggae and rock.  I’m just starting to get into punk.  I love to go to shows and even though I’m too old for this shit I love to bounce around in a mosh pit.  Now instead of a Slayer pit I stick to the more tame ones.  Even though I have two little kids I still like to have a good time, but I will not let my wants get in the way of caring for them and protecting them.  I have scaled back my partying a ton.  In fact now it’s probably 2 – 3 nights a year that I get crazy and that’s only when the kids are safely staying with a family member.  I’m learning how to live a “normal” life.  My co-workers mostly don’t know about my tendency to party.  They for sure don’t know I’m bi.  I feel like I have to keep so much of my self separate from parts of my life.  My work has social events some times you bring your spouse.  I have trouble bringing my fiancé because of all the stuff he cannot talk about.  Plus with no career or job he kinda doesn’t fit in.  I think sometimes like I’m an undercover freak.

Now I’ve got a new secret in my life Tom.  He doesn’t do drugs or smoke.  He has a job.  He was in the military for 10 years.  He does like to go to shows and he loves me.  I think he is the closest to a normal person who loves me ever.  I broke up with my fiancé once and I started dating a chef who was also a large-scale grower close to normal but not so much.  He had 10lbs of weed in his back room and half a pound of psychedelic mushrooms and the underside of his deck was double grow room.  Now I have a guy who is interested in me that would match up with how normal my life has become.  I could take him with me to the normal events and I wouldn’t have to remind him of what not to talk about.  I’ve told him about as much of my life as he would listen too.  I’d feel comfortable telling him anything he wants to know.  He says he’d be OK if I still chose to do drugs for fun.  He’s OK with me liking women ( guess what guy wouldn’t be).  He even said he would be OK letting me fuck another guy if it made me happy.  I love the way I feel when I’m talking to him.  When I’m with him.  He lives 700 miles from me.  He is married, they have a house, two dogs and two cars and a person they take care of.  We’ve only been in the same place a total of 6 days.  3 of those days were only a few hours.  I am so drawn to him.  When we talk about sex I’m so turned on by him.  When we talk about everyday stuff I want to be there.  When we talk about meeting I’m ready to run to him.  Still I don’t know where this will lead.  My heart is getting way to wrapped up in this and I’m starting to lose it.  My life was already complicated but now it’s dizzying. 

Some times I wonder why don’t I just say good-bye to both of them.  One doesn’t help me much and sometimes drags me down.  The other is, well, unavailable.  Then I think who would know me and love me.  I need a decent person to be with me and my kids and what decent person would like me with my crazy ways.  Maybe I’m over thinking this but it keeps coming back arround in my head.  I think I’ll do what I’ve always done.  Look forward, work hard and keep being me.

And so it began…..

23 Jul

Out of town on business for a week in a state I had never been to, nor did I think I would ever visit.  I read the local paper and saw there would be some bands at two of the local bars.   I picked one at random and after dinner I went out and sat down at the bar by myself.  The bartender was tattooed, the place was dark and smokey.  I loved it.  I was early so I kept a pleasant conversation with the bartender.

 

  The first act was good.  Some how I met the second band before they went on stage and asked if I could take a video of their performance to share with my friends back home.  I loved their music, I took two videos and on my second one this guy stepped into my shot.  Instead of just passing me by he apologized to me.  We talked a little, turned out he was with the band.  After their set I ended up talking to them some.  Being a stoner I kept looking for someone who smoked because I couldn’t bring my stash with me.  I was talking to everyone there, they were all so nice.  The guy that got into my video let’s call him Tom invited me to come out the following night.  It was for a friend’s birthday at a local bar/pool hall.  I gave him my number and said I would join the party.  I finally found the Barber.  He said he would go get me a joint. 

 

When he returned we smoked outside.  He was well dressed, heavily tattooed and very interested in having sex with me.  Showed me pictures of his wife, telling me it’s OK with her.  I begged him to back away, telling him I’d buy him lap dances at the local strip club, be his wing woman to find an available girl to get together with.  That I’m engaged with two kids I don’t want to fool arround.  He pressed himself against me, he had an amazing body.  His big strong arms on either side of me.  Strong chest pressed against me trying to kiss me.  My quick breath and expression was giving a mixed signal, but I was clear this is not something I want.  I was embarrassed I had gotten myself into the situation and didn’t want my new friends to see me with this guy.  I started to walk back to my car.  The barber offered me a ride, telling me how beautiful he thinks I am and how it would be our secret if we fucked.  When I got to my car it was clear I drank too much and was not able to drive.  He drove me to my hotel, he pressed me for a kiss.  He got the worst kiss I have ever given anyone.  I retired for the night, drunk stoned and happy to be alone in my bed.