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Sexuality rant….

2 Feb

Sometimes I wonder if society’s mores have stifled me as a sexually charged person.  The have forced part of me to exist in the shadows and made me inclined to feel ashamed of what I enjoy doing.  I think back and the curvey body I developed early had my class mates being demeaning to me early on.  Though I had had one kiss and one “boyfriend” by 7th grade I was called a whore and a slut.  There was no way for them to know but I’d already started coming in to my sexuality looking at Playboys and Hustler mags at the family’s home where I babysat after the children had gone to sleep.  Masturbating with the shower massager at home when no one was around. 

When I chose a less than romantic way to be deflowerd it didn’t seem to me like such a big deal.  I already had a reputation.  A few more encounters and I was able to find extreme pleasure being with another person.  Even though sex was a regular part of my life I didn’t talk about it with anyone, anyone at all. I guess I should say outside of the people at the womans clinic.  I went often to get checked and to get birth control.  My mother never knew. 

My fiancé and I met in school.  We had been together a whole year before I chose to pursue him.  I was falling out of lust with a 25 year old man I was seeing at the time I was 17. I got my future finances attention by inviting him to cut school and smoke weed.  We waited an entire week before making love.  I surprised him, I don’t remember how it started but I do remember pinning him down and riding him until I came.  He hadn’t been with someone so forward with their own pleasure before. 

After being together for a while he found my vibrator I had bought it when I was 15.  I walked down to the Adult Book store on the outskirts of town and bought it cash.  I was so embarrassed when he found it.  Again why should someone be shy about fulfilling their sexual needs?  Not to long after he found my diary.  It had accounts of my adventures sexual and otherwise.  The back the the list of all the 100 boys and men I’d kissed and the 30 I’d fucked.  He destroyed it while I was in the shower.  He was very unhappy that I had such a past.  I was very upset, to this day I’m upset about him destroying my memories bad or good they were mine and I wrote them for a reason.

I for a long time felt un-loveable.  That only the good girls deserved real love that I had to take what I could get.  Keeping my secrets to feel a little more normal.  When my future fiancé told me how disappointed he was, that I was a whore and the people I chose to sleep with were disgusting.  I took it hard.  Sure they weren’t the best of the best but I had found beauty in them and I enjoyed myself with them.  We moved forward but it still is something he will throw in my face when it suits him.  I’m just a whore.  A whore who was faithful to him always, until now.  My question to him is how dirty are you to stay with someone you think of like that.

Would it all have gone differently if someone had told me wanting to have sex is normal and to choose wisely and be discreet but not ashamed? Was I destined to be different? Am I different or is everyone else hung up because that is what the group chooses is right for everyone?  When I tell any one about this that has young girls they are shocked.  Better to find out early and help than have to clean up later right?  I’m reading so many blogs that are exploring sexuality in many diffrent ways.  Thank you to all of you for putting your pleasure out there.

Wrecking shop like an addiction…..

7 Nov

I just had lunch with my Mom.  She helped me out with a little money.  My fiancé is out of meds we’re low on gas and we could use a few fresh veggies.  I will pay her back on my pay-day.  I gave her my good news I got a 2nd job!  I will make twenty-five cents more than minimum wage and work all night long.  It’s seasonal at a large toy retailer.  Another upside is that it give me a small discount on toys. 

 Not surprising this was not good news to her.  She is completely disgusted by the lack of help I get from my fiancé on anything financial.  She aware of his poor spending habits and how I have been a push over, not putting my foot down to change things.  We had a good talk.  She said something that made me think and reminded me of a post I read recently on Black’s Jewels (On a side note I love William’s stuff you should check him out).  She said she doesn’t come see my boys because she cannot stand to look at my fiancé.  I said how about you just take them to the park (there’s a park a block away from our house).  She said she really can’t stand to give him the break.  I have a feeling that might be part of the reason my Dad doesn’t come over much either. 

I know I need to do something I feel so trapped, without my fiance I have no child care.  Right before my job interview Sunday night we started fighting.  He is really sure that he does enough housework.  I was not able to have him make a plan as I was on a tight schedule.  Maybe we can work on it tonight.  Also the income thing, he says he was not clear that it was so dire.  I asked him what else do I have to say?  I’ve been telling him our bills exceed my income for months and that we need more income to make it.  How much more clear can I be?  I asked if he needs me to nag constantly and yell.  He of course didn’t like that a bit, I think.

Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

Trying to frind my way….

4 Oct

I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.  On one had I can’t imagine life without my fiancé and on the other I can’t see a good life with him.  I am talking to Tom less and less.  I know I’ll never get to be with him.  It’s just something I got myself carried away with.  I’m still so excited to see him but I think I need to tell him I just can’t do it anymore.  It breaks my heart I really feel like we could make each other happy.  He is happy he doesn’t need me for that.  I’m the sad messed up one.  I started to think if my fiance leaves me because of this trip.  If I get caught there is no turning back.

When I think of being alone I get scared.  I really don’t have many friends.  I feel like the trashy person no one wants at their parties.  I don’t think that’s true but for some reason I get so insecure.  I see a long lonely life with the people who were once friendly acquaintances not wanting to see me because of what happened with me and my fiancé.  I get so self-conscious with new people.  I feel like I’ve been in this bubble for so long I don’t know how to operate without my fiancé.  I remember having this feeling of not belonging anywhere when my fiancé and I broke up 5 or 6 years ago.

I’m so torn.  What can I tell my fiancé?  How can I work on things?  He’s already so fragile.  He says how we’re in a loveless relationship,  how I don’t love him anymore.  I don’t know if I do or if I even can love him like I used to.  The worst part is I came back to him.  Throwing myself at him.  Telling him I was a bad girlfriend not enough sex and not doing enough around the house.  I made him cum every morning for I don’t know how long when we got back together back then.  He makes me feel safe and it feels like home with him.  It’s just everything else that is fucked up.  I don’t know if anyone would accept me like he does. I don’t know what would happen with the kids, the house, the dogs, my pay check and on and on…..

A while back I said to myself I just need to put my head down and work on myself.  I think that’s what I should do.  I need; to get into shape, a better routine around the house, a secondary source of income, a better vehicle, a more organized approach to leading my little crew at work, more time with my extended family and a circle of friends.  It’s a big list.  I know I can do it.  I just need to stop making problems for myself.  I just need to put my fiancé on the back burner and have a back bone when it comes to letting him know what I need to help run this household while we’re in it together.

Way too much info, a long story made as short as possible…..

14 Sep

I think after all my blatherings you might be curious about how this came to be.  I feel like my problems now are due to my life of borderline dysfunction.  I know it could all be worse.  As I cry to my self thinking how could I have committed my family to this fate I think back on how I got here.

I was a wild kid, smoking and drinking by the age of 11.  I lost my virginity on a bet.  The bet wasn’t to me but to a kid who had a nice body and hair but not so much in the face.  All the boys called me a whore anyway so why not like have sex.  I told him I would do it if I got half the money and I did.  I was 12.  I ran around with the “bad” kids in the neighborhood.  Pulling runners for booze and selling and smoking weed.  By 13 I had done Acid and Shrooms for the first time.  I met boys and kissed them and the ones that got me hot I fucked. 

 My best friend at about 15 was this guy he was really tall but not good-looking.  He was very spiritual and thoughtful.  He had already gone through AA and told me that the age you start doing drugs is the age you get stuck at emotionally.  I kinda thought of him as my sage.  I really looked up to him.  Eventually he became my boyfriend.  I slept at his house one night, he lived in a room in the garage of his Moms house.  I tried to have sex with him and he wouldn’t saying he wanted it to be special that now was not the right time.  We ended up breaking up because he caught me kissing another guy.  He became a pro frisbee freestyler who owns a dental lab and takes time off to travel the world. 

My Mom tried to keep me close so I was not allowed to go with the good kids who were well off enough to go to vacation homes and sking for the weekend  so all my normal friends stopped talking to me.  I was just hanging out with the other kids who stole cars, did drugs and stayed out all night. 

By 17 I’d slept with 30 guys and kissed 100.  I kept it in my diary.  By 15 I was doing speed on occasion and Xtacy.  I think what kept me from really going off the deep end and getting stuck forever was I played tournament soft ball on a team that traveled since I was 12.  I loved the traveling and independence that came with being on the road.  I also worked at a store in the mall since I was 14.  I could party all I wanted but practice, games and work were important to me.  I had to be available to work.  Sometimes I worked when I was high but I made work a priority.  School was not a priority, it was a good place to meet up with friends and get drugs.

  I got myself kicked out of school at 16 and the continuation school I went to so I could keep my work permit is where I met my Fiance.  The first year I was there we didn’t talk much.  I had a boyfriend that was 28 and I was 16.  He was a couch hopping tweaker who hung out with the Hell’s Angels.  Thinking back he might have been older and was lying to me.  We broke up.  Then I started dating a 23-year-old cook that lived with his mother his sister sold weed at my old school.  He started to gross me out.  We broke up but not before he had me do a run for him.  I drove up to his tribes reservation and drove back with 3 pounds of weed in my 1965 Mustang.  All I got out of the deal was a Marlboro box full of weed.  So here I am, my Mom always pissed at me for running arround and doing drugs.  Dating and fucking deadbeats.  Everyone thinks I’m a fuck up, I’m skating by at work and soft ball.  My parents were sick of my shit.  

I decided I wanted to start hanging out with my future Fiance.  I lured him with weed.  We hung out often.  He worked at the same mall so we took lunch together often.  He was really close with his Mom and his 3 younger sisters.  His Dad had kicked him out of the house so he was renting a room, working and going to school.  He had no car so he was taking the bus to work and school.  I thought he has things together pretty well here.  He urged me to be better to my Mom.  He didn’t tolerate speed and was always very nice to me.  He did improve my relationship with my family.  After a year of dating his landlord kicked him out.  He slept on the couch at my Moms house for 3 months and we moved out together.  Shortly after his not paying half of the bills started to be a problem.  He kept me away from my friends.  We had a lot of fun.  We had parties all the time.  After a while we just blended together.  Our friends were the guys.  Being a hard partying chick I was one of the guys.  Concerts, camping, house partys and festivals.  We were baked all the time getting fucked up almost every night.  I got my current job about 11 years ago.  We’d party untill early in the morning I’d try to get at least 2 hours to shut my eyes before going to work.  There were nights where I would go lay down and wake up to the party still going on as I was leaving for the office.  Our best buddy was a coke dealer so we’d have piles of blow, we’d drink and get high all night.  Finally it caught up with me, the same thing over and over.  The partys were never classy we were seeing some people who were really strung out some times.  My fiancé was getting mean often.  One day I told him he needed to get it together or I was leaving.  So I left. 

 I footed the bills for about 3 months.  I lived with my dad who had also gone through a break up.  I started loosing weight.  Saving money.  Not doing blow.  Drinking a lot.  I was going to a dive bar with my step-sister often.  I had kinda a crush on one of her friends.  He was a big boy, fat even but cute.  I tried my best to get him to make a move and he didn’t.  I met a dude one day at dinner with my Dad he was the chef where we were eating.  He was a high-grade large-scale grower.  We made fast friends.  I had intended to just be friends but my dreamy ways romanticize him.  He went to a lot of concerts, was an avid hiker and camper, rode a motorcycle, lived in a beautiful area on top of a mountain, he traveled often and of course grew great weed.  After seeing him for a few weeks he invited me to Hawaii.  He said he would pay for the tickets I just needed to pitch in for the house.  Him and 2 of his buddys were going to play a frisbee golf tournament that they attend yearly.  He asked me over and over and said even if we break up he would still want me to go, so I agreed.  He turned out to be boring.  He was good at oral but had trouble keeping it up.  The friends and events he said kept him busy weren’t there.  I missed being out partying.  I started to talk to my fiancé more.  I told him I was going to Hawaii and he was mad.  He needed me to bail out our buddy the coke dealer.  I gave him the $800 to get him out of the hole.  He then has his mom book him a flight home for the holidays.  The airline went under and they didn’t have the money to buy another ticket.  I footed the bill for that too.  I think January was when I went to Hawaii.  We were broken up by then I told him I didn’t love him.  I reminded him that this was just for fun and I was trouble.  He took it hard but held up his end.  We went to Hawaii and had a good time.  He slept on the floor.  One night we got fucked up and tried to fool arround and he couldn’t get it up.  Fuck that!  He was 41 he seamed healthy but I was not in for it.  I was maybe 28 at the time. 

I got back I saw my fiancé.  We talked.  Shortly after I got a DUI.  The DUI classes brought me close to his new apartment.  He worked across a field from me.  I gave him a ride some times (he still had no car).  He told me about the big houses and fancy partys he was going to.  All these new friends and made it sound like a great time.  His new place was better than anywhere we ever lived before.  It made me miss him.  I gave him a box of chocolates for Valentines day.  I got nothing.  He berated me for seeing this other guy.  He said I broke his heart.  Even though I left because he was a dead beat druggie that was often mean to me I started to fall back into a relationship with him.  Since my friends had been pushed away long ago I didn’t have my circle to hang with.  I was lonely felt like a looser.  Even my sisters fat friend didn’t want to fool arround with me.  We went to a concert together and cried about how cute our kids would have been when we got home loaded.  Before I knew it I was staying over all the time.  Partying like crazy and finally just moving in.  Before I knew it I was knocked up and we were looking for a house to buy.  He had a job, he promised he would help and I was sold.  That was 4 1/2 years ago.  He kept his job for about 6 months after I bought the home.  Hasn’t worked since.  He started partying without me since I was pregnant then a nursing Mother I would not party.  He started being mean, un helpful and having one medical issue after another.  I should have known better I blame myself for this mess.

Work harder, damn it…..

26 Jul

I’ve made a commitment to myself that I will get shit back on track for me. I’ve been kinda slacking on housework. Letting the excuse that I’ve worked all day, taken care of the kids untill 9:30 and I’m tired and need to relax. Bull shit, I can do it all. So I will. I also need to make time to talk to Tom at night but I know I can fit it all in. Plus right now he is very tied up, he has a major priority taking up a lot of his time. His kid is spending a few weeks with him. When I look around at my disorganized things and dirty windows I think not only do I want to get it in order for myself; but if Tom were miraculously able to come and visit would he think less of me? I can do more, I can’t let the poor me I have very little help be an excuse. So maybe I burn the candle at both ends for a bit but it will be worth it. I still check my phone way too much but I’m getting better at it and I think this might be a great way to take my mind off of how much I wish he was around and the creeping feelings of doubt I’m starting to get (damn female hormones). The better I feel about myself, my home and my life the better my relationship will be both here and home and 700 miles away.

Damn, I’m screwed…..

25 Jul

So I didn’t plan for any of this. I was trying to get shit together in my life and then I met Tom. I was eating better, exercising and getting on top of all the shit I had to do at home. I was coming to terms that I am going to have to do most of it without my fiance’s help.

Work is going very well. Everything outside of my relationship was getting get better because I was working hard on it. Now I’m constantly distracted. I can’t stop checking my phone looking for his next text, picture or word on our scrabble games. I’m thinking of what can I say to him to start a conversation or just make him feel special.

I was doing OK at kind of ignoring my fiance but now I have no patience for him. I don’t want to see him be lazy, I react even worse to him being mean to me. I just plain don’t want to be around him a lot of the time. When my fiance is being nice and “good” I feel guilty. I know he’ll be heartbroken if he found out. Years ago I told him I wouldn’t cheat, I would just leave him. I had made good on that for so long. Now with the boys I can’t see separating them from their Dad but I don’t see their Dad being the best influence on their lives. On top of all of this even though I’m the only earner I don’t think I could pay for childcare. I hate to be dependant on him but that’s what I got now.

I find myself all the time dreaming of a life with Tom. He’ll say to me he wishes he could be a part of my life, that he would like to have me there to kiss in the mornings and make me dinner when I come home from work. Reality is he has a great life. He doesn’t need an instant couple of little kids. He has some awesome friends where he’s at and to be together he would need to come to me because of my job and my family. No matter how much I dream about a life with Tom I know it’s not really possible at least for now. I keep trying to think of how to tell him maybe this is too much for me but I don’t want to change our relationship. I love talking to him. Texting and sending pictures. I love the idea that someday we can spend more time together maybe even live together. The reality sets in and it just doesn’t seem possible or practical. Now I find myself tearing up at the thought of all these things. I’m screwed, I did it to myself and I don’t know what to do.