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Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

Holding back tears….

24 Oct

Coming out to this trip I had planned to pour my heart out to Tom.  How I want him in my life for real.  How that feeling brings tears to my eyes often.  That I wonder about his life with his wife.  How can some one I know as very sexual be with someone who is not?  Was she ever his one and only?  Does he see himself with her forever?  I also wanted to talk about me.  How I have so much that I need to fix in my life.  That even though I love him and love being with him it distracts me from what I need to take care of.  I’m having trouble keeping myself from being depressed that I can’t be with him.  I’m constantly comparing my fiancé to Tom and he just doesn’t measure up.  I could go on and on with no good solution.  I just keep thinking I need to talk to him less, but I can’t say it.

As we drive back to town and the airport I keep looking out the window.  My eyes filling up with tears.  I don’t know how to say anything.  I keep reciting the names of my stores and their owners in my head trying to keep my mind straight and my eyes dry.  I finally can say there is something I’ve been wanting to say to you.  He looks at me with concern in his eyes, turns off the stereo.  I tell him sometimes after we’re together or after talking to him I’m sad.  How I want to be with him and I miss him.  Even though I know it’s not right for me to want what I want, I do.  That when he said to me he feels like he doesn’t have to worry that I would want us to leave our spouses to be together, I felt the urge to yell,  “I do want that”, but I know it’s not possible.  That I couldn’t expect that from him but I want it none the less. 

He told me about a girl he used to see.  She didn’t have kids but she had a boyfriend that she didn’t leave but she would run away with him for a week here and there but always go back home.  That her boyfriend would treat her bad afterwards.  Tom said he finally had to tell her he didn’t want to be with her anymore so she wouldn’t put herself through the pain any longer. 

I really didn’t get anything out about me other than my life is fucked up right now.  We kissed at the next light and he played some funny podcast from NPR.  We went back to talking effortlessly.  I asked him to stop for breakfast with me and he did.  He only ordered some fries thinking that when he got home his wife would want to eat and it would be weird if he was full.  I ate my omelet way to fast, I was nervous.  I “showered up” in the bathroom.  We left and hopped into his truck and it didn’t start.  I found someone to give us a jump and helped push the truck back into an empty parking space.  I tried not to cry on my way to the airport.  We kissed and embraced desperately before I walked inside not knowing when I’ll see him again.

State of the homefront a day before my departure…..

9 Oct

My fiancé has been extra nice to me as of late.  He also has been agonizing about how hard it will be for him to be without me for five days.  The boys are very rambunctious right now. The little one is very opinionated even defiant at times. 

My fiancé looked at me pitifully yesterday and said his knee still hurt and he was up to 12 pills.  Granted he said that at 6pm but it really freaks me out.  He said he is worried about being alone because what will happen if he has a seizure or passes out (which he has never done by the way).  I think he knows just how to play me.  I don’t even think he knows he’s doing it, but when he senses that I’m becoming distant or going to go somewhere he becomes rather nice and pitiful.  

We are very low on money but all of the families needs are met so it’s not a major concern, however when I go out of town he likes to spend for entertainment to fill in the void.  Going out to the movies, going out to eat, new toys, etcetera.  Last night my Dad came over for dinner.  He has been having terrible financial trouble.  He just got caught up and has a little extra. He has been doing side work, but still has no reliable income. Even so he always wants to help.  He knows we are tight and offers us money asking how many hundreds we need.  I want him to save the money.  My fiancé has made some silly purchases lately (one is buying a broken X box trying to fix it with pennies and a couple of towels), so I tell my Dad we’ll make do.  My fiancé chimes in that we will take what ever he will give.  Knowing I’m now in a pickle I say maybe we can borrow $100 untill my next pay day.  That way they can afford to go out to dinner one of the nights I am away.  It’s so embarrassing, my Dad is always so nice and friendly with my fiancé.  I just don’t understand how he can feel ok about taking when he knows the situation. 

So tonight I pack.  I’ll coordinate for my family and some friends to visit my family while I’m away to break up my fince’s house husband monotony.  Maybe then he’ll stay off my case.  I still have not told him I don’t land back at the airport untill 7pm on Saturday meaning I won’t be home untill almost 9pm.  He will flip out.  I think if I start the fight while I’m away not being in much contact Thursday and Friday nights will work itself out.

Pre-class jitters….

9 Oct

I fly out tomorrow.  This trip is sales training.  I’ve been so nervous about the last half of my trip I’ve completely forgotten to worry about the first half.  I’m gathering reports, following trends for opportunities and trying to think of how I can balance my sales approach.  By the way I’m not in sales.

My class list shows I’ll be with some experienced folks and I don’t want to make an ass out of myself.  Most of the people I work with are papered.  They have degrees, tons of experience and well, they dress really nice.  I always feel like I’m trying to sneak in.  Reality is no one knows and no one cares.  I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling this way.

Into the unknown….

27 Sep

I’m going to see him again!!!  I’m so excited!  I am going on a business trip and will have my corporate travel coordinator fly me to his town instead of back home.  We will spend the first night together in town and we will go to a secluded hot spring he has told me all about for the next night and camp out!  I love camping.  When he had suggested this at first I was surprised as it’s a 2 hour drive but then thinking of being in his arms by the campfire under the stars I realized how perfect this will be.  The hot springs is a fast running natural pool.  So we will have our own private hot tub.  He also is very excited.  We thought about me staying one day longer but I don’t think my alibi will cover me that long.  It is not as long a visit as I had hoped.  It’s going to be great though.  We both love the outdoors and have talked about camping so this will be an amazing opportunity. 

I’m very nervous.  My business trip extending to Saturday is a big stretch.  I think it should work but risk of being questioned is high.  Also the area we are staying in has no cell reception, so that will be a little hard to explain.  Usually on my business trips by the 2nd or 3rd night my fiancé and I are fighting so that might work.  I leaving in about two weeks so I have a bit of time to try to work this out.

The day he left…..

25 Jul

We woke up together and started kissing, hugging, touching. Before we knew it we were making love again. Both of us were sore but we couldn’t stay away from each other especially today our last day together untill, well I don’t know when. We showered together and packed our things away. We searched out a little breakfast restraunt and sat across from each other talking about what to do with our time together. I had wanted to take him to this fort on the water. It has a bunch of rooms and nooks we could fool around in I was totally excited to show him the views and the history of the place. When we got there it was closed. He took some photos of the outside of the fort. I loved the angles he chose to shoot. I kept grabbing him and hugging him, holding him close.

We drove off, I went the wrong way and ended up at another old military area by the sea. We wandered arround and found what looked to be an abandoned building. He took me by the hand and went around to the back of the building. He gave me this mischievous smile as he led me arround to the hidden area. He pressed me against the concrete wall kissing me passionately. I grabbed his ass (he has a great butt) and kissed him hard back. My hands groping his pants as we are making out. I started to undo his belt and opened his pants. I undid my pants and slid down and took his cock in my mouth. Making sure it was very hard and very wet before standing back up. I turned to face the wall and leaned over. My hand underneath me grabbing his cock and bringing it to me. When he entered me I got chills, it was so exciting. He held my hips and trust into me quick. It felt so good. I could feel him about to cum and told him how I want him to cum inside of me. I’m getting wet now just thinking about it. We kissed again as we put ourselves back together. We walked around the building holding hands and smiling at each other. Then I hear the sound of children. Turns out the building we thought was empty was a gymnasium. No one seemed to notice us so we just walked out together to explore the rest of the area.

We found a place to get coffee.  It was a short drive a way and was very unique to the city we were in. It was getting closer to the time he would need to catch his flight. He had found out that his flight was again delayed. I tried to steal the time with him, but he wanted to make sure he was waiting for the plane and we made a quick stop looking arround at another record store and then off to the airport.

He played a song, maybe a Shane McGowan song and it hit me that I don’t know when we’ll be together again. We had such a good time. Then I was crying, I tried for a minute to hide it. I smiled through my tears and had him change the music. He found some comedy bit about Dixon Nuts and Cayman Spices. He had me laughing before my tears even dried. On the way to the airport I took off my bra and had him playing with my boobs. I love his touch, it made the ride so much nicer. When we got to the airport I dropped him at the curb. We made out for a few minutes holding each other tight. As I drove away the tears started coming and I couldn’t stop them. He had said to me before our trip that he wanted me to love him more when he left and I did. I had fallen in love with him completely and now he was gone. Holy shit what do I do now.

Finaly we meet again……

24 Jul

OK our kiss was not this grand but it sure felt like it was.

When we started our countdown at 55 days it seamed like our meeting would never come. Soon it was less than a month and a week and before we knew it we were counting down the hours. Tom was on the road with the band. He was having a great time even tough travel conditions were a little rough. He had stayed with the band at a friends house in the desert. She was a sweet girl and they made out that night he stayed. Being who I am it turned me on, especially since he didn’t go all the way with her. He was saving himself to go all the way with me anyway. I was nervous leaving the house but when I was on the road I calmed down quite a bit. His plane was delayed and delayed again. I felt like they were stealing the time we could have together by not getting him to me on time. I’m pacing at the airport, I wore a skirt and no panties. I’m staring at the board waiting for his flight to land. Our phones are dying so I send a message where to meet me and hope for the best. I finally see him coming my way. I try to hide and sneak up behind him. He sees me. He grabs me and I hug him hard back. We share a long passionate kiss right in the middle of the walkway. We start walking to my car and every chance we stop and kiss. His kisses are better than I remember. I’m so wet for him. I just want to strip his cloths off there and fuck on the people mover. I lose track of my car and we walk arround the garages hand in hand stopping to kiss every few yards. When we find my car we just make out like teenagers before starting the drive to our hotel room. I get myself a little lost on the freeway but we find the place in not too long and before we know it we are in the lobby of our cheap motel by the beach together for the first time in months.