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(Un)reasonable doubt……

19 Sep

This feels weird to write but it’s how I feel. My love, this wonderful man who loves me dearly and is going to move 700 miles to date me I am feeling unsure about our future. It might just be due to the turmoil I’m going through. I look forward to the fun we will have, the experiences we will share and the life we can build together with both of us working hard. Something in me is loosing the enthusiasm I once had. It might just be my own lack of confidence. Things have changed, some days I’m not sure if I’m wanting to talk.  Some times I feel pulled away from cleaning and days where I’m with my family and I don’t talk to him I get the feeling he is getting upset because I’m not making time for him.  However that might just be in my head from how I was trained to be with Dick.

He is starting to make little moves in his own life towards leaving his wife, his state and his job.  Cleaning out old things, paying off debt, having talks with his wife.  It is making it all more real.  We talked that we would date.  That I should date other men and he should date women.  His dating he has put into the less important category because he has been single as an adult he has dated and he says he knows what he wants and that is me.  Where I have no real experience, I need to squelch any what if’s and see if there is a better match.  I worry what if there is or worse what if there is a superficial match and I don’t see the douche in them.  Above all what if he changes his whole life to be with me and it doesn’t happen. 

Tom went on a romantic get away with his wife.  It was more of an attempt to see if there was a spark as they both have talked about feeling like good friends not husband and wife.  He said that they did do a bit of kissing at the start but there was virtually nothing else.  She didn’t try to cuddle up to him, hold his hand or initiate anything sexual.  It was her time of the month but there are other ways to be intimate with your husband and he said there was not so much as a hand in his lap.  He called me most of the trip.  Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.  I was cleaning one night with my Dad and was not near my phone and he called maybe three times and by the last call he sounded pretty disappointed that I had not answered.  I am even feeling that he’s needing much more attention than he has ever required even outside of this trip.  That is probably normal and the effects of the risks and changes he is taking. 

I wonder if all this stems from me starting a relationship at the wrong time.  He could really be what I’ve thought for the last year or so…..the best thing that ever happened to me.  I still wonder if my attachment came from having such a horrible situation.  Or maybe that I’m afraid of loneliness and not finding anyone else.  We are very different but a lot of the same.  With that said he is very different from Dick.  There will be no crazy tweekers, no douchey idiots that we hang out with and party, no doing coke together and he probably will not get along with a lot of the acquaintances that I probably need to get rid of anyway.  Those things are kinda scary.

These feelings come and go.  In fact since I started writing this Monday they have gone away again and I’m super excited to see him and eventually date him and possibly live the rest of my life with him.  I hope this is all normal and not just a away that my subconscious is warning me.  Only time will tell.  After I get a new life in order with Dick as a co-parent instead of someone I have to worry about every interaction I think things will start to level off.

What’s going on with my Ex (Dick)…..

4 Sep

Up to this point….hmmm I have a restraining order that includes a move out order in place against Dick.  He refused to commit to leaving so I had to force it.  Plus every conversation seemed to degrade into him calling me names a break and then teary apologies for how he just treated me.  He’s taking muscle relaxers, pain pills, mood stabilizers and anti anxiety drugs.  That is on top of smoking weed and taking heart and diabetes medicine and it’s just a matter of time until he gets shit housed again.  I truly worry that all these things could make him snap under this stress.

He is working for a tweaker tattoo artist wh0 we hung out with a lot before his life went down the shitter and became a tweaker.  He was to be living in a trailer out back of the guys antique shop but things went South quick.  The second night he was gone I got a text that the guy broke Dick’s guitars, amp and pedals or something and locked him out.  Dick does have my car.  He went back to work for him.  Part of the work is putting things on Ebay and the money goes into a joint account Dick and I share.  I get a long text from the tattoo artist that Dick has done him wrong that I should tell him how to find him he could fix my problems and make Dick disappear and by the way he knows where I live.  I talk to Dick and he says that not only is this guy threatening his life but mine and the boys.  This is over bucks!  I tell Dick to fix this now or I will put the kids somewhere and handle it myself.  He says he’s sick and throwing up but he will fix it.  I talk to Tom about it and he says some one threatens my family I would hit them upside the head with a 2×4.  Tom isn’t the type to be mixed up with this type of person however I can belive he would take care of business if forced.  I a moment of weakness I texted Dick: Are you going to step up and hit **** for threatening your family or do you only hit girls?  Of course I got no response.  He paid the guy his money and then went back to work for him the next day. 

I don’t know where he stays.  I don’t know when he’ll want to see the kids next.  I don’t know when he will get his fucking shit out of my house.  It’s all very weird.  I do know I’ll see him at the court date later on this month.  I wonder how it will go.  I just need him to stay moved out and not to freak out.  He has done very well so far.  I don’t know if it’s because he’s afraid of the courts and police or if he’s just as done as I am.  We will see soon.

Post 200 and time for a new name……

3 Sep

This is my 200th post!  I can’t belive I’ve written so much and I love to look back at how this weird wonderful love story has unfolded.  I started out sad and stuck but full of excitement and lust for this man who is unlike anyone I’d ever met.  I was torn, knowing what I was doing was wrong by my standards.  Torn about whether my relationship with Dick was worth saving or it was just too toxic to exist.  I look back and I can see my lust and curiosity with Tom turned into caring and loving.  My desire to have him in my life changed from a rescue me with your solid hard working sweet ways to knowing I don’t have to be saved that he will enhance the life I will build on my own. 

I plan to write more, once I can access my home PC or buy a lap top (Dick password protected the home PC and now I cannot log on).  I’ve been trying to be more focused at work however now I have a bunch of side things to do with courts, bills and child care.  So my writing and reading time is low but I intend to come back and write more because I love being able to look back and see how things have changed.  To read how I’ve felt about Tom and myself and even Dick.   

So now I’m not torn.  I feel sure of my path whether it is with Tom or not I need to build a good life for my kids, my dogs and I without Dick.  I will have some set backs and confusion but I won’t feel torn like I did when I started this blog.  I’m thinking I need a new name.  I was hoping to get a fw comments with suggestions.  I have not yet put any thought into it other than my name no longer fits my situation.

Getting to know each other in a whole new way….

4 Jul

When we got home from camping we went to my Mom’s house for a BBQ and some swimming.  We got home late and I got the kids down rather quickly.  Since our dogs had been cooped up that was the perfect excuse to get out of the house so I could call Tom.

We talked for two hours.  It was a lot.  He sounded so concerned and serious.  At times even nervous and on edge.  With all that I could hear the love in his voice too.  I voiced my concern about the seemly sudden change in him and asked him why.  Tom told me he had felt that way for a long time now.  That he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to influence my situation with my now ex-fiance. 

He let me know that his wife is a very good girl.  He loves her for it, but their love is turning into more of a friendship.  That he wants more in a marriage to be truly happy on all levels.  The thought of hurting her kills him but with me or without me he needs to move on. Spontaneity was one of the things he mentioned enjoying with me that he doesn’t have at home. He told me that since we’d met he and his wife had only made love two times.  I asked him if he’d talked to her about it? Can they work it out?   He was resolute in telling me that it is just her way and he doesn’t want her to change who she is to be what he needs.  My heart sank a little for the both of them but I do understand. 

We talked about getting to know each other.  He didn’t know my middle name and I had forgotten his.  Both of us intend to find the right person to spend the rest of our lives with and we needed to be sure before any big steps were taken.  Now don’t get all excited that we are running away together next week.  We both have a lot on our plates.  His father lives with him and he won’t want to move.  He must finish caring for his Dad before he can consider moving to California.  I will have to get an arrangement set with my ex and honestly need to be a grown up on my own.  To come into my own before we decide to start a life together.  I do want to go on a few dates.  That may seem odd from what you’ve read about my love for Tom, but I feel like if I don’t explore the adult dating world I might have that what if in the back of my head if I didn’t at least see what it’s like.  He also would go on dates too. 

Our next few conversations would go like this.  I would read into his voice a seriousness and a certain amount of apprehension or concern that seemed very different to me.  I was worried and felt very bad that maybe reading all those 180 and posts in less than a week was tweaking his brain.  In those first few talks I almost felt he was sizing up the chances for us to work.  Looking for my definitive answer.  Worried that it could be a no.

  On my part I felt a strange urgency to give myself to him to let him know everything I could about me.  How I am from day to day.  What can I let him know to show my flaws or things that might rub him the wrong way?  How horrible my ex might be and how I’ll probably be financially stretched taking care of the boys with most likely no help from their father.  No amount of words can really let us know what it will be like living with the other person.  Our intention is to try to learn as much as possible until we can spend more time together.  Taking things one step at a time over the next few years to see if this is going to work in real life.

Hopeless romantic….

14 Feb

Valentines day six years ago I was in this very office and my fiancé worked in the same business park.  I could see his building from the parking lot of my building.  He and I had broken up the previous fall.  I had a little rebound romance with a fella who ended up taking me to Hawaii with him (very cool but not as luxurious as it sounds) and I had just gotten back from that trip at the end of January.  Before we left I had broken up with rebound romance guy, we had an agreement that the trip would happen no matter what.  

I had brought my fiancé a tribal mask from Hawaii that he smashed when I handed it to him.  For some reason I was drawn back to him anyway.  I wrote him a long card.  Took photo of us as teenagers kissing and made it into art and got him a heart shaped box of his favorite chocolates.  When he got it he was upset and confused and didn’t know what to say.  He, of course, didn’t get me anything and he was mad. 

Maybe it’s my frame of mind but that’s the only Valentine’s day I recall.  Good or bad that’s the only one with him that left an impression on me.  Weird.

 A little Valentine’s tune for you

 

 

What’s my age again….

4 Nov

My long distance lover, oh how I miss him.  We hardly talk now.  It’s my fault, I asked for this.  I start to wonder if he is getting board with me, if he pines for me like I pine for him?  Sometimes I feel like I over text him.  Send him too many photos.  He never says it’s a problem, he never pushes me away.  Just when I think I’m a total fool he sends me a really nice message telling me how much he loves me and I’m just awash with those fluttery feelings that only love can give you. 

I got a weird feeling this morning I started to feel like we would never see each other again.  It seems crazy now.  We’ve talked today he tells me about his life.  Him and his wife are planning a trip to the same city that he and I had our second meeting in.  He said how weird it will be.  I will only be an hour’s drive away.  It’s going to be sad that I can’t come see him. 

I wish we had a good hour to talk.  Part of me wants to ask does he still think that anything could happen that five years from now it could all be different and we could be together.  The rest of me knows that’s stupid and childish.  I want to ask him how will he feel if my fiancé I and I break up and someone wants to date me.  Most of all I want to know when I can see him again. Maybe I’ll find the right time to ask. 

He has asked me to write him something.  He asked for a short story but I am more comfortable with poetry.  I used to write poetry as a teenager and a little bit in my early twenties.  Most of it, well practily all of it was very bad.  Some of it hurt to read.  I’ll keep it anyway but wow, bad stuff.  So I’ve started to write him a poem.  I’m tossing around how I will deliver it to him.  I have most of it done but the last line, it’s killing me.     

I can only go up and then down and then up again from here…

5 Oct

 I’m on a roller coaster this year.  I was so down in the dumps.  My fiancé had surgery.  His sisters came to live with us to help.  One of them had a nervous breakdown and had to leave.  The younger one stayed and was so sweet.  My fiancé constantly complaining about my family.  Then in April a business trip. I felt like I was on top of the world.  Managing a branch, meeting new contacts, enjoying the night life.  My fiancé brining me down at every phone contact until it finally ended up he would just yell at me and call me names.  Then the last night that magical Thursday night where I found comfort in Tom’s arms.  He already had my attention by being so nice.  For more about it check out my post, I wasn’t looking but I got found…http://wp.me/p1IMS5-j

 

When I got back home my fiancé again was mean and made me sad.  I made contact with Tom and we started talking.  We were both still flush with the thrill of our night together.  When there was a chance that his friends band would play in our town we started talking about meeting.  The things he would say gave me such a rush.  I was on top of the world.  Thoughts of him filled my days and nights.  When I found out the tour wouldn’t come to the town 15 minutes away I still had to see him.  We made plans to meet outside of the tour.  The 55 day count down was exciting and all my troubles seemed to vanish as I waited for him to come to me.

 

After the trip his child came to stay with him and the contact dwindled.  When she left he was bummed and things didn’t go back to the same.  In the mean time my life had gotten away from me.  I was like a zombie just making it through on auto pilot.  I let things get worse. 

 

Everything I’d do I’d wonder how Tom would fit in.  How my fiancé just doesn’t compare to him.  How stuck I am.  Now as my count down is down to 7 days I’m scared.  I’m excited to see him but sad to know this might change everything forever.  The tears keep coming and I don’t know what to do to make things better.

 

I started this blog because I was so excited about all these new feelings that I had no one to share them with.  Now it’s just my neurotic ramblings.  I feel like I’m trying to keep my life running like I keep my car together.  Duct tape, zip ties and special fluids.  No matter what I feel better writing this stuff down.  I’m starting to wish I had more time to write and read.