Archive | break up RSS feed for this section

(Un)reasonable doubt……

19 Sep

This feels weird to write but it’s how I feel. My love, this wonderful man who loves me dearly and is going to move 700 miles to date me I am feeling unsure about our future. It might just be due to the turmoil I’m going through. I look forward to the fun we will have, the experiences we will share and the life we can build together with both of us working hard. Something in me is loosing the enthusiasm I once had. It might just be my own lack of confidence. Things have changed, some days I’m not sure if I’m wanting to talk.  Some times I feel pulled away from cleaning and days where I’m with my family and I don’t talk to him I get the feeling he is getting upset because I’m not making time for him.  However that might just be in my head from how I was trained to be with Dick.

He is starting to make little moves in his own life towards leaving his wife, his state and his job.  Cleaning out old things, paying off debt, having talks with his wife.  It is making it all more real.  We talked that we would date.  That I should date other men and he should date women.  His dating he has put into the less important category because he has been single as an adult he has dated and he says he knows what he wants and that is me.  Where I have no real experience, I need to squelch any what if’s and see if there is a better match.  I worry what if there is or worse what if there is a superficial match and I don’t see the douche in them.  Above all what if he changes his whole life to be with me and it doesn’t happen. 

Tom went on a romantic get away with his wife.  It was more of an attempt to see if there was a spark as they both have talked about feeling like good friends not husband and wife.  He said that they did do a bit of kissing at the start but there was virtually nothing else.  She didn’t try to cuddle up to him, hold his hand or initiate anything sexual.  It was her time of the month but there are other ways to be intimate with your husband and he said there was not so much as a hand in his lap.  He called me most of the trip.  Telling me how much he loves me and misses me.  I was cleaning one night with my Dad and was not near my phone and he called maybe three times and by the last call he sounded pretty disappointed that I had not answered.  I am even feeling that he’s needing much more attention than he has ever required even outside of this trip.  That is probably normal and the effects of the risks and changes he is taking. 

I wonder if all this stems from me starting a relationship at the wrong time.  He could really be what I’ve thought for the last year or so…..the best thing that ever happened to me.  I still wonder if my attachment came from having such a horrible situation.  Or maybe that I’m afraid of loneliness and not finding anyone else.  We are very different but a lot of the same.  With that said he is very different from Dick.  There will be no crazy tweekers, no douchey idiots that we hang out with and party, no doing coke together and he probably will not get along with a lot of the acquaintances that I probably need to get rid of anyway.  Those things are kinda scary.

These feelings come and go.  In fact since I started writing this Monday they have gone away again and I’m super excited to see him and eventually date him and possibly live the rest of my life with him.  I hope this is all normal and not just a away that my subconscious is warning me.  Only time will tell.  After I get a new life in order with Dick as a co-parent instead of someone I have to worry about every interaction I think things will start to level off.

What’s going on with my Ex (Dick)…..

4 Sep

Up to this point….hmmm I have a restraining order that includes a move out order in place against Dick.  He refused to commit to leaving so I had to force it.  Plus every conversation seemed to degrade into him calling me names a break and then teary apologies for how he just treated me.  He’s taking muscle relaxers, pain pills, mood stabilizers and anti anxiety drugs.  That is on top of smoking weed and taking heart and diabetes medicine and it’s just a matter of time until he gets shit housed again.  I truly worry that all these things could make him snap under this stress.

He is working for a tweaker tattoo artist wh0 we hung out with a lot before his life went down the shitter and became a tweaker.  He was to be living in a trailer out back of the guys antique shop but things went South quick.  The second night he was gone I got a text that the guy broke Dick’s guitars, amp and pedals or something and locked him out.  Dick does have my car.  He went back to work for him.  Part of the work is putting things on Ebay and the money goes into a joint account Dick and I share.  I get a long text from the tattoo artist that Dick has done him wrong that I should tell him how to find him he could fix my problems and make Dick disappear and by the way he knows where I live.  I talk to Dick and he says that not only is this guy threatening his life but mine and the boys.  This is over bucks!  I tell Dick to fix this now or I will put the kids somewhere and handle it myself.  He says he’s sick and throwing up but he will fix it.  I talk to Tom about it and he says some one threatens my family I would hit them upside the head with a 2×4.  Tom isn’t the type to be mixed up with this type of person however I can belive he would take care of business if forced.  I a moment of weakness I texted Dick: Are you going to step up and hit **** for threatening your family or do you only hit girls?  Of course I got no response.  He paid the guy his money and then went back to work for him the next day. 

I don’t know where he stays.  I don’t know when he’ll want to see the kids next.  I don’t know when he will get his fucking shit out of my house.  It’s all very weird.  I do know I’ll see him at the court date later on this month.  I wonder how it will go.  I just need him to stay moved out and not to freak out.  He has done very well so far.  I don’t know if it’s because he’s afraid of the courts and police or if he’s just as done as I am.  We will see soon.

Post 200 and time for a new name……

3 Sep

This is my 200th post!  I can’t belive I’ve written so much and I love to look back at how this weird wonderful love story has unfolded.  I started out sad and stuck but full of excitement and lust for this man who is unlike anyone I’d ever met.  I was torn, knowing what I was doing was wrong by my standards.  Torn about whether my relationship with Dick was worth saving or it was just too toxic to exist.  I look back and I can see my lust and curiosity with Tom turned into caring and loving.  My desire to have him in my life changed from a rescue me with your solid hard working sweet ways to knowing I don’t have to be saved that he will enhance the life I will build on my own. 

I plan to write more, once I can access my home PC or buy a lap top (Dick password protected the home PC and now I cannot log on).  I’ve been trying to be more focused at work however now I have a bunch of side things to do with courts, bills and child care.  So my writing and reading time is low but I intend to come back and write more because I love being able to look back and see how things have changed.  To read how I’ve felt about Tom and myself and even Dick.   

So now I’m not torn.  I feel sure of my path whether it is with Tom or not I need to build a good life for my kids, my dogs and I without Dick.  I will have some set backs and confusion but I won’t feel torn like I did when I started this blog.  I’m thinking I need a new name.  I was hoping to get a fw comments with suggestions.  I have not yet put any thought into it other than my name no longer fits my situation.

Getting to know each other in a whole new way….

4 Jul

When we got home from camping we went to my Mom’s house for a BBQ and some swimming.  We got home late and I got the kids down rather quickly.  Since our dogs had been cooped up that was the perfect excuse to get out of the house so I could call Tom.

We talked for two hours.  It was a lot.  He sounded so concerned and serious.  At times even nervous and on edge.  With all that I could hear the love in his voice too.  I voiced my concern about the seemly sudden change in him and asked him why.  Tom told me he had felt that way for a long time now.  That he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to influence my situation with my now ex-fiance. 

He let me know that his wife is a very good girl.  He loves her for it, but their love is turning into more of a friendship.  That he wants more in a marriage to be truly happy on all levels.  The thought of hurting her kills him but with me or without me he needs to move on. Spontaneity was one of the things he mentioned enjoying with me that he doesn’t have at home. He told me that since we’d met he and his wife had only made love two times.  I asked him if he’d talked to her about it? Can they work it out?   He was resolute in telling me that it is just her way and he doesn’t want her to change who she is to be what he needs.  My heart sank a little for the both of them but I do understand. 

We talked about getting to know each other.  He didn’t know my middle name and I had forgotten his.  Both of us intend to find the right person to spend the rest of our lives with and we needed to be sure before any big steps were taken.  Now don’t get all excited that we are running away together next week.  We both have a lot on our plates.  His father lives with him and he won’t want to move.  He must finish caring for his Dad before he can consider moving to California.  I will have to get an arrangement set with my ex and honestly need to be a grown up on my own.  To come into my own before we decide to start a life together.  I do want to go on a few dates.  That may seem odd from what you’ve read about my love for Tom, but I feel like if I don’t explore the adult dating world I might have that what if in the back of my head if I didn’t at least see what it’s like.  He also would go on dates too. 

Our next few conversations would go like this.  I would read into his voice a seriousness and a certain amount of apprehension or concern that seemed very different to me.  I was worried and felt very bad that maybe reading all those 180 and posts in less than a week was tweaking his brain.  In those first few talks I almost felt he was sizing up the chances for us to work.  Looking for my definitive answer.  Worried that it could be a no.

  On my part I felt a strange urgency to give myself to him to let him know everything I could about me.  How I am from day to day.  What can I let him know to show my flaws or things that might rub him the wrong way?  How horrible my ex might be and how I’ll probably be financially stretched taking care of the boys with most likely no help from their father.  No amount of words can really let us know what it will be like living with the other person.  Our intention is to try to learn as much as possible until we can spend more time together.  Taking things one step at a time over the next few years to see if this is going to work in real life.

Hopeless romantic….

14 Feb

Valentines day six years ago I was in this very office and my fiancé worked in the same business park.  I could see his building from the parking lot of my building.  He and I had broken up the previous fall.  I had a little rebound romance with a fella who ended up taking me to Hawaii with him (very cool but not as luxurious as it sounds) and I had just gotten back from that trip at the end of January.  Before we left I had broken up with rebound romance guy, we had an agreement that the trip would happen no matter what.  

I had brought my fiancé a tribal mask from Hawaii that he smashed when I handed it to him.  For some reason I was drawn back to him anyway.  I wrote him a long card.  Took photo of us as teenagers kissing and made it into art and got him a heart shaped box of his favorite chocolates.  When he got it he was upset and confused and didn’t know what to say.  He, of course, didn’t get me anything and he was mad. 

Maybe it’s my frame of mind but that’s the only Valentine’s day I recall.  Good or bad that’s the only one with him that left an impression on me.  Weird.

 A little Valentine’s tune for you

 

 

What’s my age again….

4 Nov

My long distance lover, oh how I miss him.  We hardly talk now.  It’s my fault, I asked for this.  I start to wonder if he is getting board with me, if he pines for me like I pine for him?  Sometimes I feel like I over text him.  Send him too many photos.  He never says it’s a problem, he never pushes me away.  Just when I think I’m a total fool he sends me a really nice message telling me how much he loves me and I’m just awash with those fluttery feelings that only love can give you. 

I got a weird feeling this morning I started to feel like we would never see each other again.  It seems crazy now.  We’ve talked today he tells me about his life.  Him and his wife are planning a trip to the same city that he and I had our second meeting in.  He said how weird it will be.  I will only be an hour’s drive away.  It’s going to be sad that I can’t come see him. 

I wish we had a good hour to talk.  Part of me wants to ask does he still think that anything could happen that five years from now it could all be different and we could be together.  The rest of me knows that’s stupid and childish.  I want to ask him how will he feel if my fiancé I and I break up and someone wants to date me.  Most of all I want to know when I can see him again. Maybe I’ll find the right time to ask. 

He has asked me to write him something.  He asked for a short story but I am more comfortable with poetry.  I used to write poetry as a teenager and a little bit in my early twenties.  Most of it, well practily all of it was very bad.  Some of it hurt to read.  I’ll keep it anyway but wow, bad stuff.  So I’ve started to write him a poem.  I’m tossing around how I will deliver it to him.  I have most of it done but the last line, it’s killing me.     

I can only go up and then down and then up again from here…

5 Oct

 I’m on a roller coaster this year.  I was so down in the dumps.  My fiancé had surgery.  His sisters came to live with us to help.  One of them had a nervous breakdown and had to leave.  The younger one stayed and was so sweet.  My fiancé constantly complaining about my family.  Then in April a business trip. I felt like I was on top of the world.  Managing a branch, meeting new contacts, enjoying the night life.  My fiancé brining me down at every phone contact until it finally ended up he would just yell at me and call me names.  Then the last night that magical Thursday night where I found comfort in Tom’s arms.  He already had my attention by being so nice.  For more about it check out my post, I wasn’t looking but I got found…http://wp.me/p1IMS5-j

 

When I got back home my fiancé again was mean and made me sad.  I made contact with Tom and we started talking.  We were both still flush with the thrill of our night together.  When there was a chance that his friends band would play in our town we started talking about meeting.  The things he would say gave me such a rush.  I was on top of the world.  Thoughts of him filled my days and nights.  When I found out the tour wouldn’t come to the town 15 minutes away I still had to see him.  We made plans to meet outside of the tour.  The 55 day count down was exciting and all my troubles seemed to vanish as I waited for him to come to me.

 

After the trip his child came to stay with him and the contact dwindled.  When she left he was bummed and things didn’t go back to the same.  In the mean time my life had gotten away from me.  I was like a zombie just making it through on auto pilot.  I let things get worse. 

 

Everything I’d do I’d wonder how Tom would fit in.  How my fiancé just doesn’t compare to him.  How stuck I am.  Now as my count down is down to 7 days I’m scared.  I’m excited to see him but sad to know this might change everything forever.  The tears keep coming and I don’t know what to do to make things better.

 

I started this blog because I was so excited about all these new feelings that I had no one to share them with.  Now it’s just my neurotic ramblings.  I feel like I’m trying to keep my life running like I keep my car together.  Duct tape, zip ties and special fluids.  No matter what I feel better writing this stuff down.  I’m starting to wish I had more time to write and read.

Trying to frind my way….

4 Oct

I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.  On one had I can’t imagine life without my fiancé and on the other I can’t see a good life with him.  I am talking to Tom less and less.  I know I’ll never get to be with him.  It’s just something I got myself carried away with.  I’m still so excited to see him but I think I need to tell him I just can’t do it anymore.  It breaks my heart I really feel like we could make each other happy.  He is happy he doesn’t need me for that.  I’m the sad messed up one.  I started to think if my fiance leaves me because of this trip.  If I get caught there is no turning back.

When I think of being alone I get scared.  I really don’t have many friends.  I feel like the trashy person no one wants at their parties.  I don’t think that’s true but for some reason I get so insecure.  I see a long lonely life with the people who were once friendly acquaintances not wanting to see me because of what happened with me and my fiancé.  I get so self-conscious with new people.  I feel like I’ve been in this bubble for so long I don’t know how to operate without my fiancé.  I remember having this feeling of not belonging anywhere when my fiancé and I broke up 5 or 6 years ago.

I’m so torn.  What can I tell my fiancé?  How can I work on things?  He’s already so fragile.  He says how we’re in a loveless relationship,  how I don’t love him anymore.  I don’t know if I do or if I even can love him like I used to.  The worst part is I came back to him.  Throwing myself at him.  Telling him I was a bad girlfriend not enough sex and not doing enough around the house.  I made him cum every morning for I don’t know how long when we got back together back then.  He makes me feel safe and it feels like home with him.  It’s just everything else that is fucked up.  I don’t know if anyone would accept me like he does. I don’t know what would happen with the kids, the house, the dogs, my pay check and on and on…..

A while back I said to myself I just need to put my head down and work on myself.  I think that’s what I should do.  I need; to get into shape, a better routine around the house, a secondary source of income, a better vehicle, a more organized approach to leading my little crew at work, more time with my extended family and a circle of friends.  It’s a big list.  I know I can do it.  I just need to stop making problems for myself.  I just need to put my fiancé on the back burner and have a back bone when it comes to letting him know what I need to help run this household while we’re in it together.

Gambling girl…..

8 Aug

Oh the weekend.  I used to love you.  Now you make me anxious and tired.  This weekend I had fun.  I got shit done.  We went over to my Mom’s and swam till about 11 at night.  The boys had a blast!  I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more, I think I cooked in there too.  We went to the park and ran around.  We went to a festival of Mustaches and Bicycles.  As my fiancé sat around while I was working away or was a poop at the festival that was smaller than we had anticipated I kept thinking would it be more fun with Tom.  My fiancé would try to kiss me or grab my tit or ass and I just couldn’t be receptive.  I wish he would just disappear some times.  While I’m digging in my back yard trying to prep to grow some grass he’s standing around smoking.  He did cut some tree into pieces but cleaned nothing and was bothered to watch the kids while I worked.  We did go on a bike ride together than was nice. 


I kept thinking could I mountain bike with Tom?  Oh my love, he had been out of touch for so long.  I was writing texts to myself with no response.  What a lonely place to be living with some one that you’re falling out of love with and be out of touch with the one you do love.  Doubt keeps sliding in, wondering if we would really be good together.  If my fiancé left, if we broke up would he want to be the one for me for real?  I try not to think about that.  I try to keep the issues separate.  If I get left by my fiancé for what I’m doing I’m not going to expect Tom to come and jump right into my life.  I want it to be that way. It’s so fucking hard to keep my mind straight.  I wonder what would happen if his wife was to find out.  Would she just forgive him?  Would she leave?  Should I ask him what he thinks?  When we started talking very little was off-limits.  I didn’t care what he thought of me if he stopped talking to me who cares.  He was cool but if he wasn’t cool with me whatever, right?  Now I’m hooked, I can’t stop thinking about him.  If he decided not to talk to me I’d be questioning myself.  I guess there is just so much more at stake now that I love him so.  I wonder if he’s just using me for sexual encounters that are low risk (expensive though).  I don’t think it’s the case but when you can’t see someone when you talk to them do you really know if they are telling the truth?  We’re talking about meeting up again but this time in a gambling city.  Well I guess I’m a gambling girl.  I’m almost all in here and I’m gonna stay on for the ride.  I hope I win big.  It’s gonna hurt like fuck if I bust.

My regular life…..

24 Jul

Now to get the full picture I think you need this information. This is my current view of my regular life. I am the sole provider for my family of four and our two dogs. I am the main housekeeper. He doesn’t do laundry or dishes but he does cook (and cooks very well). He has not worked for going on 4 years now. I bought our house, I may call it our house but I had to take my own money for the down and even borrow some from my Mom. Before I bought a house I told him I cannot do it alone you have to keep income coming in or we cannot make it, he said he would. We have been together since high school, continuation school to be exact. When we met he worked in the mall and so did I. I worked two jobs. He was living at a friend’s house renting a room. I was still at home. We were together all the time. He would get jealous and angry when I would go out with my friends. He did have a hand in making me a better daughter. He had me calling my family instead of just disappearing for days at a time and pushed me to respect my Mom. That really got me, we fell in love. We moved out together within about a year of dating. We drank a lot, smoked a lot, tripped a lot. We went to concerts and house parties. I had the car and the driver’s license. The bills I paid for were paid on time, his got shut off, and I’d have to save us. He had spells of unemployment but I always had a job. When things got bad we moved in with my Dad. We borrowed money from my Mom. He had no drivers license. I was making more money he was staying the same. Even though we stayed in the same town, I lost contact with my friends. My life had meshed with his and I was the stable one. We broke up on two occasions mainly over his spending money on fun stuff while I had to take care of well all the real life stuff. Our last break up was about a year before we had my son. I was doing very well at work, getting into shape, getting a life of my own and playing ball with my family. From the outside it sounded like he had upgraded his life better parties, got his own place, paying his own bills. My life was good but I missed all the partying we used to do together. So we started talking, talking turned into making out and that turned into sleeping over and then we were back together. Partying like we always had until I got pregnant. At first, I didn’t mind his going out but it started to wear on me, then his spending, then lack of cleaning. Then I had the baby and I wanted to go out and it was a problem, he was controlling, he hit me and it was not the first time, he would call me names, have no regard for the bills. Then he lost his job, then he lost his unemployment, then his health got worse. He would bad mouth my family and me. He never wanted to hike, had no commitment to getting healthy, didn’t fix up the house. I just got sad. So here I am, some days can be good and I hope it will get better but in my heart, I should just know better. It probably won’t is the reality I’m stuck with. Now I have two kids stuck in it with me.