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Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

Feeling crazy….

13 Feb

If I were to sum up this weekend in one word I would go with: Fail.

My weekend started off odd.  I had plans to go to a beautiful co-worker’s birthday.  Then I wanted to go see a show in a very small bar/restaurant that consisted of two solo artists and a little band.  My fiancé had not given me the OK to go to my friends birthday party so I didn’t make plans to go thinking he might not let me go and silly me didn’t want to rock the boat.

Friday night I’m cooking and cleaning away.  I hear him talking to his friend sounds like he was making plans to go out.  I sat for a minute and played with my phone and he calls me out about it.  Telling me I need to be busy doing the housework or engaging the kids.  Once I get the kids down for the night I laid down on our bed and ask if he’s going to let me go out the next night he said he is and he’s planning on going out tonight (catch how he didn’t ask me, not that I care it’s just the double standard that makes my blood boil). 

He starts to ride me a bit about not doing enough cleaning and too much fucking with my phone.  I come right back at him.  He starts yelling that I talk over him.  I’m trying to tell him he starts talking before I finish what I have to say.  I try to step back, change my tone and keep this conversation from turning into a fight.  Even after calming down, slowing down trying to keep things on track he starts to berate me.  Yelling, shut the fuck up, stupid cunt and once he calls me the c word it’s over I can’t talk to him.  I’m telling him if it’s that bad fucking leave, he’s telling me it’s our house he doesn’t have to go that he won’t leave.  He storms off. I go online and take the money in our bank account and transfer it into savings.  He will still have access to it but if he runs the card it will get declined. Hopefully it will remind him that when I’m not at home taking care of the kids and cleaning  that I’m fucking working earning the money he loves to spend!

He comes back to apologise.  He brings a joint and I smoke with him reluctantly.  He’s nice now. He says he shouldn’t do that but it’s how I act that triggers it (apparently once it’s triggered there is no turning back) and I can’t look at him.  I don’t want to fight anymore we watch Okie Noodling it’s weird and distracting.  I fall asleep as he waits for his ride.  I woke up at about 3 in the morning worried about transferring that money.  Knowing it will just make him angry again.  What did I do about it.  Read a few blogs posted a few comments. Rubbed a couple or orgasms out and went back to sleep.

The next day he was a bit pissy at breakfast but nothing to extreme.  I did some housework before taking off with the boys for a hike and a picnic.  When I came back for nap time it was like nothing happened.  I cleaned and organized and played with the kids.  I was excited about going to my friends birthday but now I was feeling apprehensive about it.  After dinner I put the boys down and started to feel very awkward about going out by myself.  Then felt weird about asking anyone to go with me.  He wanted me to smoke with him and watch a show and I did.  I’ve been looking for chances to go out and build a social life and here is a chance for me and I got all freaked out and stayed home.  It felt very strange.

The next night my Dad came over to watch the kids.  There was that show I wanted to go see.  I have sort of a girl crush on the gal who was promoting the show.  Not that I want to sleep with her just that I really would love to be her friend rather than just an acquaintance.  The music well honestly isn’t my normal type.  I found beauty in it but I wasn’t completely a fan, my fiancé didn’t like it very much at all.  The opening act was definitely not my speed.  So as we talked about going I got more and more nervous.  What would I say to the gal I like and how would it be hanging out with my fiancé who I even now feel awkward around and trying to keep him happy.  Let alone that the venue is so small I imagine the artists looking out into the crowd and being able to see everyone’s faces.  If the music is so so and my date is not my favorite company I might offend the artist.  I know it’s crazy (see the title of this post) so we didn’t go to the show. 

We got some dinner and went to a late night tasting and sample night at a organic grocery store.  It all went OK.  We got home very early the kids weren’t even in bed yet.  My Dad looked a bit concerned but he was happy to go home early.  We tried to watch a movie together and I fell asleep.  He kept asking me for sex.  I gave in.  He started kissing me and I couldn’t do it, I turned my head.  He started rubbing my breasts and legs.  My posture changed from relaxed to me curling up.  Hands clamped against my chest clearly an unwilling recipient.  His breathing was so heavy bothering me, grossing me out.  I just rolled over and let it happen.  No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me.  It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.

Pardon my long, whiney, crazy post.  Some times it feels better to get it out.  This time I’m feeling a bit embarased about it.  However I have been trying to keep an honest account of the things that effect my life with my fiance and my lover and this is it.  Maybe I’m going a bit mad.

A new normal…….

16 Jan

At first I was hurt and feeling rejected by the fact Tom was texting me less.  Sometimes even bypassing my questions I’d texted to him.  Usaly nothing of importance just digital small talk but he had a strong hold on my heart and to be ignored sucked.  When we started talking we couldn’t get enough of each other the feelings felt mutual. 

I learned he had experience cheating. I would tell him how guilty I felt when I thought about how much this could hurt my fiancé.  He didn’t seem to have the same issues at all.  He told me how he could keep things separate and it didn’t bother him.  It seamed so strange to me, I didn’t think I’d ever feel that way. Time has passed and now things are separate for me too. A new normal.

Time is making it easier for me to define a place in my life for Tom.  Before it was a strong pull to be with him to bring him into my everyday life.  I think a few things worked together to get me over this.  He has said somethings that make me think that maybe he’s not the ideal partner I imagined him to be, nothing major just little things.  The lowered contact has also helped lessen the pull, I almost feel like he’s training me to accept this but that just might be in my head.  I’m refocusing on my home life.  It’s putting things back into perspective. 

I still love to talk to him.  I still can’t wait to see him.  I don’t have the heartache and the weepyness anymore.  I even worry that maybe I need to let him know that things are changing for me.  Sometimes I think I know what another person is feeling or thinking but I’ve been wrong more than once.  I wonder if he still thinks that if he asked I’d run to him ( I guess more like clear a spot for him to run to me ).  I don’t know if that would work now.  However I don’t think that is ever going to happen. 

I am moving forward with a new normal.  Tom is a good friend, a wonderful lover (when I get my hands on him).  I don’t wait for his every text checking my phone every few seconds.  I don’t send him a picture every day.  I don’t feel slighted when he doesn’t text me.  When we do talk it’s always wonderful.  When we touch it’s magic.  Sometimes when you get too much of a good thing it looses it’s magic, this might be the perfect way to keep the magic going.

WTF….

29 Sep

My morning started out normal enough I made some oatmeal for the family. As I was making lattes for my fiancé and I he seasoned the oatmeal and served it to the boys. I was bringing sprinkles for the boys to put on the oatmeal as my oldest asked for cinnamon in his. My fiancé said he already added some so I went to the stove to serve myself. It smelled like Indian food, weird right? I put my nose into my bowl of oatmeal and that was it. My fiancé added cumin instead of cinnamon. He took a bite before I could spit out the words. He said he couldn’t get the cumin taste out of his mouth …*giggle*. I made another batch and was now running late.

At work for the most part things are good. I’m the department lead. We are making record profits and when my manager moves on I pretty much have his job in the bag. At the end of the day my manager is having a strange conversation in his office. One of our top clients is bitching about how I delivered a final decision on their account. My manager bends to her request even though his boss had said not to. I had the authority to make the call but it wad an unreasonable request. We got in a long talk about how he learned to deal with these blow hards. He says not to wory about it but how can he expect them to respect my decisions if the can just push him around and get what they want. Needless to say I went home a little frustrated.

I was feeling sick and had a headache at the end of the day. It could have been that I’d had just some cheese and crackers for lunch and I was getting crampy from the time of the month. I get home and say hello to everyone. I ho into the kitchen where my fiancé is cooking dome stir fry and right before I reach him my stomach turns and cramps and I get a horrible look on my face from the discomfort. I say I feel sick. He the yells at me telling me that shouldn’t be the first thing I say to him. I’m instantly pissed. I tell him I said hello daddy as I was came in the house. That I truly feel sick and that’s the first thing he says to me every morning for months now. I’m crying now and go sit with my boys and space out as they watch sesame street. He calls us in for dinner and snaps at me because I only have a tiny bit of food on my plate. I say again I feel sick and he starts in on me again. He calls me a cunt at the dinner table in front of my boys. I politely ask him not to say such words in front of them. At that point he yells at me gor being 15 minutes late and I told him I was talking to my boss about a problem account. He says you lied in your text about just leaving the office. I try to explain and he yells what else do you lie about. What are you doing with your phone all the time. My 4 year old leans over and say do you remember how much fun we had at the fair without Daddy. He gets pissed saying how we’d lile it if he wasn’t around. My oldest said I was just trying to tell mommy a secret. The boys and I are done eating and i’m trying to think of where we can go when my fiancé says he’s leaving. It’s good for me. As he takes off on his beach cruiser I pray for a car to hit him or a freak lightning storm to take him out. When he’s gone the boys and I do puzzles together. I’m trying not to cry but I keep leaking a little. My two year old brings me a beer saying here you go mama have a beer. I have him put it back but thank him. My oldest tells me how he doesn’t like it when we fight. He says he saw my tears and and it makes him sad and gave me a hug. He asks when will you feel like your self again. I finally cheer up and we pick up and do bedtime stories.

My fiancé returns home and I take my muts out for a walk. Tom is already in bed with his wife 700 fucking miles away and I feel defeated I’m broke, I’ve got two great kids with an asshole that I don’t have the guts to stand up to and I need to grow a dick to get ahead at work. What the fuck!!!!

Caught in the middle…….

10 Aug

It’s beyond just sex.  He still turns me on so much but I want him in my life every day.  I keep thinking when we are not in touch that I need to cut things off.  I need to say to him let’s not talk as often.  You live your life I’ll live mine, untill it implodes, then I’ll come looking for you.  Maybe then you can come to me.  This weirdness in the middle is too much for me to take.  I’m tearing up now as I write this.  I tear up all day as I think about how much I would like to live a different life.  So I think over and over we can be friends call each other when we miss each other but then I get him on the phone.  Last night we got to talk.  He said how much he missed me, talked about his vacation and what he’s working on around the house.  I caught him up on my work and how things are going for me.  We barely talked about sex.  We talked about meeting up again.  I keep wanting to tell him that maybe this is too much for me.  It would be so much easier if it was just sex.  Don’t get me wrong I got off thinking about him twice this morning.  As we were getting off the phone last night we were talking about how much we enjoyed each other, but I want more.  How can I tell him without freaking him out.  Who needs a possessive lover 700 miles away.  I wish I could find the right words, the right time maybe I could tell him. 

On the home front my fiancé is still as lazy as ever.  He is depressed, he is begging for my attention but is often, short with me, rude and demeaning.  Have you ever been with some one that complains every day when they wake up.  It’s killing me!  He calls me to ask what to do with the kids every other day.  He calls me to ask what to make for dinner every other day.  His job is to stay home and take care of the kids and house.  Why is this so hard?  I wish I could be a home maker.  Don’t get me wrong I like my work, I’ve always liked working but now I just want to show him there is a better way.  I’m so ready to call Tom and say hey just drop everything and come be a student and live with me.  He is close to getting a degree but he works full-time so it’s taking longer than if he could just concentrate on his studys.  I’m dragging along someone who makes more of a mess than progress in my home.  Why not just put the kids in pre-school and then they would have activities and interaction all day.  My house would not get messed up all day long for me to come home and try to clean.  I need to do it myself.  If it is to be it is up to me, right?

I felt like a hearbroken teenager….

1 Aug

I had a rough weekend. First Tom has his kid visting from out-of-town so he is not much contact with me right now. He went on vacation only to come home get ready and leave for another vacation with his family and won’t be back untill next Sunday. So Friday I received a response from a love advice column that had written to. The advise was to dump my fiance and give up hope waiting for Tom. I had written I felt like we were a perfect match and the columnists response was he’s married and 700 miles away how is that a perfect match. Now I’m totally bummed I had hoped maybe the columnist would read some of these posts and see how magic Tom and I are together. That we would be perfect together; romancing women, camping, traveling, hiking, seeing shows, he could teach me how to snowboard (laugh when I fall on my ass for the 100th time), work on cars (maybe even build a hot rod together), boating, swimming, listening to music, we could do housework together and have a great time kissing, making love and I’m sure I left out something but I know you get my point. So I’m weepy thinking of how we can’t be together and how much my heart aches for him. Feeling isolated because the only opinion I have is that I should just give up. I think she even said what makes you think he’ll leave his wife for you. Not that I would want that…right now anyway. Then he sends me a text telling me of a love song, Fish and Bird. I read the lyrics and started to cry.


Fish and Bird


By Tom Waits


They bought a round for the sailor
And they heard his tale
Of a world that was so far away
And a song that we’d never heard
A song of a little bird
That fell in love with a whale


He said, ‘You cannot live in the ocean’
And she said to him
‘You never can live in the sky’
But the ocean is filled with tears
And the sea turns into a mirror
There’s a whale in the moon when it’s clear
And a bird on the tide


Please don’t cry
Let me dry your eyes


So tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I’ll never sail back to the time
But I’ll always pretend you’re mine
Though I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart


Please don’t cry
Let me dry your eyes


And tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I’ll never sail back to the time
But I’ll always pretend that you’re mine
I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart


So, I can’t talk to him, the columnist tells me to give up on him and now this. My mind kept whispering he’s breaking up with you. He’s telling you he’ll always love you but it just cannot be. I usually like to think I’m tough, that I think like a guy but my heart kept breaking. I kept looking for sad songs to further my sulking in a half-broken heart. So I did what any girl should do when they feel broken-hearted. I started cleaning, then drinking then I took the dogs for a run (well a fast jog). Then he called. I was so happy to hear his voice. I wasn’t sure I would tell him how I got sad and insecure but I did. It felt good to tell him. He admitted he teared up too when he listened to the Fish and Bird song thinking of me. I don’t care if he was fibbing it was sweet. We talked about how we have to meet up again. I don’t know when, I think we know where but either way I know we cannot wait to be together again. I still feel like a heartbroken teenager. Listening to sad love songs, thinking about poems, writing a fucking blog about how I feel. Yeah, I love him and I just don’t know what to do. The one thing I do know, I’m not taking that columnists advice.