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Can things change?….

19 Feb

We’ve started to open up a little.  He says we’ve got a bond in blood and he wants to keep our family together.  He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he loves me with all of his heart.  That I’m sexy, smart and amazing.

He knows I’m not happy and I want him to do more.  He sees that I’m sad, disconnected and stressed.  We discussed again that I need his help and not that I want him to do what he is unable to do but I want him to do what he can.  

 He keeps getting stuck on that I want him to work and don’t care about his injury.  I remind him I just want him to contribute. Whether he can find a job that can suit his physical limitations, get disability, start an E-bay store or find a work at home prospect anything that shows he is trying will help.  I remind him that I’m ticked off more because even before he was injured he wouldn’t look for a night job as his unemployment ran out.

We started talking about how he makes me feel.  That when I leave the house at night that I need to be in frequent contact with him.  He tells me how do I know you’re not whoring arround.  Sticky question for me now, right?  I tell him that all these years I’ve been faithful that shouldn’t that earn me the freedom not to have to talk to him every hour. I don’t ask that from him.  This opened the door for him to bring up my youth.  Telling me that I whored arround with 60 men before I was 17 and that I fucked a guy I knew for a week after we broke up.  Both of which were wrong (I had just wrote a bit about it in this post).  It also made me think of another post I need to write but I’ll save that for another time.

We got past that and went into name calling.  Recently at a dinner where well he was being less than desirable dinner company he complained that he is always the last person eating.  He has said a couple of things about himself in the recent past that he has a small mouth and a large gut, not both in the same sentence but he has said it.  So, my smart ass said he’s the last one to finish his meal it might be because of his small mouth and large gut he was terribly offended. Looking back I understand and feel bad about it (I’m far from perfect).  So we were talking about how he was calling me a cunt and fucking bitch when he was yelling at me the other day and he compared it to when I said the small mouth large gut thing.  It took a good 15 minutes to help him understand the difference between using words that have no other purpose than to hurt some one than using something that is off color but could be taken in stride since it’s something you’ve said about yourself.  Again I apologised and said it was wrong of me to have said what I said.  I think he said he was sorry too, he said he just gets so angry and that is the only way he can express himself.

Then he went into how the young me would be very disappointed in the current me.  To which I had to disagree. I’ve always been ambitious and resourceful.  If you think about the young me, doing drugs, stealing cars and stuff, working in the mall, my plan for the future was to rob a few banks and move to Canada, then yes the old me would be like, “Why are you working for the man and there is way too little sex, drugs and rock and roll going on here.”.  I told him I’m proud of myself and I wish you would be too.  He tells me there is nothing he would change. He is so happy to have the boys.  I ask are you proud of yourself and he goes, “Yes, I’m not a crack head, I’ve never been locked up, I’m not homeless, I don’t beat you or the kids we have our own house and great boys.”  Good lord he has succeeded because he’s not a crack head.  I guess I should have seen this coming but when you’re aspirations are to rob banks and move to Canada (pronounced by us as Can-a-Duh-Duh-Duh) not being homeless or in jail is pretty awesome.

The people from pain management had him see a counselor.  Where he told them that his injury and pain was effecting our relationship.  The big box healthcare provided offered him meds which he declined since he takes maybe 10 or so different kinds of medication a day he didn’t want to risk a bad chemical reaction.  He told me how miserable he is.  How he has thought of killing himself though he would never do it.  That the words I said to him ring in his ears, how I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine a life without him and that he doesn’t do it for me any more. 

I was as encouraging as I could be.  We talked about going to counseling.  He wants to try to do better.  I remind him that I don’t expect it to all happen at once but I need to see that he’s trying.  That he cares about making things better together and he’s nice to me and the boys.  Now I need to find a counselor that I can afford and line up child care for when we go.

The family factor…..

3 Sep

I talked to Tom yesterday on my lunch.  It’s so nice to catch up with him.  We talked about all the fun stuff he has planned for this weekend.  He says he misses me.  I’ve felt a little weird about things with him lately.  After his kid left I thought we would be in touch more.  When the texts didn’t come like they used to especially with me texting him it felt weird.  I started to wonder if things were not as I thought.  On our talk yesterday he told me how much he misses his kid.  He tells me how he gets into a funk when their time together is over.  He said he is sorry for not being as romantic with me.  From what he tells me is a very involved caring father.  He says they talk on the phone 2x’s a week or so.  He says he is calling daily to talk.  It is so sweet.  I found out they stopped living together when the baby was about 12 months old.  He used to drive 8 hours every weekend to be with his kid untill his ex moved farther away and made it harder.  His ex doesn’t seem pleasant either making him more of a hero in my eyes.  Lot’s of fathers live in the same town and don’t make that kind of effort to be with their kids.  His dedication to his child is heartwarming.  I miss his sexy texts but I can wait especially if the reason is so pure and wonderful. 

On the other hand my fiancé is in a bad way.  His family is pretty dysfunctional.  On a scale of 1-10 maybe a 7.  His mother called him in tears.  The two youngest of my fiancé sisters live at home they are 18 and 20.  They both are kind of Goth/Emo kids.  They like these weird pretty emo boys.  Come to find out their boyfriends both like boys.  The older sister has a lot of mental problems and was living with this terrible boy.  Come to find out he was having unprotected sex with men from Craig’s List for fun (they claim not for money).  Now she is worried she has AIDS but has not gotten tested.  The younger sister’s boyfriend just sucks guys off.  She is not worried like the older one but she has been sneeking out to have sex with a guy that is now in prison.  So now my fiancé’s Dad is holed up at the family’s other house (yes they have two houses) and is snorting Oxycontin to stay calm.  I think that’s just an excuse his horrible drug problems is one of the reasons they are high on he dysfunction list.  Now the older sister is saying she will kill herself if she has AIDS.  My fiance’s Mom is freaking out.  She has to go work, she’s worried she will come home and find her little girl dead.  I don’t think she has gotten tested yet.  It’s a mess.  I don’t know how to help if there is any help that can be given.  They live across the country.  My fiance keeps trying to think of a way to go out and kill that guy that put his older sister at risk.  Literaly kill or mame him.  I of course being a sociopath (that’s what my one of my friends calls me anyway) offer I could take a week off of work to watch the kids so you can…um…take care of business.  I’m pretty sure he would never kill anyone but he would hurt him badly for sure.  If he were to end up in jail for a long time that would give me a chance to……OK I know that’s fucked up.  Kind of a win win though right?  I don’t know.  I feel really bad for all of them but their family structure is so bad that it’s not a surprise.  How can you put you foot down and help those girls when they are adults now.  I hope that all is not lost for them, especially the younger one, but wow.