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Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

Will you still love me…..

25 Oct

I may have made a bad choice.  A poor choice of words maybe.  Maybe I’m just a bad communicator all together.  Knowing I need to focus to try to right things in my life I decided to do it.  Tell Tom that I need to talk to him a bit less.  We had not talked for most of the weekend and when talking on Monday I was a bit of a mess.  The bills, the house work, my missing him.  It is all building.  We talked about happy stuff at first.  He’s going out to see a band he likes tonight.  Then I start to tell him how stressed out I am.  How after my fiancé was horrible that it went back to pretty much normal only my fiancé was being super nice.  How I wish I had a partner that would help.  I’m up my eyeballs in debt and house work and how he (Tom) is the perfect escape.  I go on saying after going out to the pumpkin patch this weekend as a family I keep thinking I need to work harder to keep my family together.  He listened he didn’t judge me.  I told him how much I love him.  How I wish I knew what to do. 

Then I said it, would you love me as much if we talked less.  How could he say no.  I told him that I need to work on getting another job, that I should use my lunch breaks to try to get things together in my life.  That the night might be the best time for us to talk.  He seemed to take it real well, oh that and I was crying.  He said he wishes he could give me what I need.  That he could help me.  Just talking with him and my short time being with him helps, the perfect escape.  I thank him for the camping trip, for being someone who is kinda normal that loves me.  I clean myself up and go back to work.

That night after dinner I’m in neurotic cleaning mode moping sweeping, toilets, dishes, counters laundry.  Tom had said “we have plans to go to the show” I think meaning his wife, so I’m not trying to get out to talk to him.  I get a message that he just got to the show.  Later I get these bands suck.  Later on I get ” So is the talking less a way of distancing yourself or giving yourself more time to accomplish tasks?”.  I’m starting to think I should have gone out to walk the muts and talk to him.  My response ” I think both, I’m cleaning right now and I think I love y ou a little more than is OK.  Part reality check part neurotic fix stuff mission.” I’m starting to feel weird and anxious.  I didn’t even think about hurting his feelings.  Even though he loves me I think it’s different that he could go for years with out talking to me and still love me, but he doesn’t need me.  He has a good wife and a good life.  In my mind I’m the one that would benefit from him, I would just be a burden to him other than the sex and stuff.  His reply “….It makes sence to me….but I’ve been drinking….and I mean I’m D runk.”  I tell him I wish I could be there.  How I’d love to get D runk with him (we were pretty drunk the first night we kissed but not D runk!) after a few more cute texts we send our good nights. 

Now our no worries, no strings relationship has gotten complicated.  For the first time I’m worried that I hurt his feelings.  I don’t know how to ask.  Now I wish didn’t draw a line in the sand cutting off our lunch talks.  It might be nothing, I sent him a text  saying I’m worried that I might have hurt his feelings.  Nothing.  I sent later that getting people to take my résumé in person is harder than I thought.  His response could have been an answer to both “Really, I thought you were unshakeable.”  Now nothing.  I’ve done it to myself.  I hope he stays up to talk to me tonight.  This could all be so simple why do I have to complicate things?

Riding Dirty…..

17 Oct

I had mentioned earlier how I feel like I don’t fit in at work conferences. Well of course I fit right in.  I had a great time.  Class went very well.  The food was good.  I closed the bar down every night and was up early and bright eyed for class.  One night 5 of us went out to a sports bar after class and drank.  We had been joking arround about signing karaoke then lo and behold it was karaoke night at the bar.  The other girl kept talking about singing I offered to go with her.  When it was clear she was not in to do it I had to make it happen.  Too much lip service to something that doesn’t get done drives me crazy.  Since they didn’t have any Pantera I chose Black Sabbath “War Pigs”.  I had a great time screaming out the song.  My group gave me a great applause.  Even though I throughly butchered the song I felt good because I made it happen.  We rode dirty back to the hotel.  I say that because the sweet little thing from a midwest branch was bumping some of the nastiest rap I’ve ever heard.  There were four of us in the back (one guy laying across all of our laps) and a big fella and the sweet little thing on his lap in the front.  She played the classic song “Gin and Juice” by Snoop Dog and we all sang along.  It was a great night. 

On the flip side the contact with my fiancé started decline with each conversation.  He was stressed out.  The boys were trying his patience and his body was bothering him.  Saying things to me like have a good time, sarcastically.  Telling my I shouldn’t go out, that I’m a sloppy drunk.  That men and women are held to different standards.  By Wednesday he was calling me names and just being mean.  Strangely perfect timing.  I hung up on him and texted back my own nastiness.  I used his poor demeanor for the reason why I was not in contact other than to tell the boys good night and that I love them.  I know it all seems so horrible but it worked.  Plus if you can count on someone to be mean to you what is really going on anyway?

Pre-class jitters….

9 Oct

I fly out tomorrow.  This trip is sales training.  I’ve been so nervous about the last half of my trip I’ve completely forgotten to worry about the first half.  I’m gathering reports, following trends for opportunities and trying to think of how I can balance my sales approach.  By the way I’m not in sales.

My class list shows I’ll be with some experienced folks and I don’t want to make an ass out of myself.  Most of the people I work with are papered.  They have degrees, tons of experience and well, they dress really nice.  I always feel like I’m trying to sneak in.  Reality is no one knows and no one cares.  I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling this way.

Caught in the middle…….

10 Aug

It’s beyond just sex.  He still turns me on so much but I want him in my life every day.  I keep thinking when we are not in touch that I need to cut things off.  I need to say to him let’s not talk as often.  You live your life I’ll live mine, untill it implodes, then I’ll come looking for you.  Maybe then you can come to me.  This weirdness in the middle is too much for me to take.  I’m tearing up now as I write this.  I tear up all day as I think about how much I would like to live a different life.  So I think over and over we can be friends call each other when we miss each other but then I get him on the phone.  Last night we got to talk.  He said how much he missed me, talked about his vacation and what he’s working on around the house.  I caught him up on my work and how things are going for me.  We barely talked about sex.  We talked about meeting up again.  I keep wanting to tell him that maybe this is too much for me.  It would be so much easier if it was just sex.  Don’t get me wrong I got off thinking about him twice this morning.  As we were getting off the phone last night we were talking about how much we enjoyed each other, but I want more.  How can I tell him without freaking him out.  Who needs a possessive lover 700 miles away.  I wish I could find the right words, the right time maybe I could tell him. 

On the home front my fiancé is still as lazy as ever.  He is depressed, he is begging for my attention but is often, short with me, rude and demeaning.  Have you ever been with some one that complains every day when they wake up.  It’s killing me!  He calls me to ask what to do with the kids every other day.  He calls me to ask what to make for dinner every other day.  His job is to stay home and take care of the kids and house.  Why is this so hard?  I wish I could be a home maker.  Don’t get me wrong I like my work, I’ve always liked working but now I just want to show him there is a better way.  I’m so ready to call Tom and say hey just drop everything and come be a student and live with me.  He is close to getting a degree but he works full-time so it’s taking longer than if he could just concentrate on his studys.  I’m dragging along someone who makes more of a mess than progress in my home.  Why not just put the kids in pre-school and then they would have activities and interaction all day.  My house would not get messed up all day long for me to come home and try to clean.  I need to do it myself.  If it is to be it is up to me, right?

Biding my time untill the time is right…..

4 Aug

I had come to the point where I could not imagine going day that I don’t talk to Tom.  The idea of not talking for weeks or months was painful.  Now not having talked to him for three whole days I’m seeing things differently.  My anxious feelings are waning.  I still love him and still want to be with him but maybe waiting might be OK.  Yesterday he started to play some words on our scrabble games.  I kept trying to send words back as fast as I could.  Silly as it seems the game makes me feel like I’m in touch with him.  

So, I’m still kinda slacking on my workouts but I have been climbing stairs on my lunch breaks this week.  I can’t afford to go to the gym nor do I have time so on my lunch I go down town and climb 4 parking garages 2x’s.  In total it’s like climbing 38 stories.  I’m going to get back to my morning work out next week.  It’s a 6 day a week work out plan so I feel like starting on Monday is a must here.  I keep reminding myself as I get lazy not only am I doing this for my kids and myself but I’m doing it to be my best for when I can be with Tom again.  Next time we are together I want to not only look better but have better endurance and flexibility.  When I was riding him I wore out too quick.  I want to be able to blow his mind, so as I’m climbing the stairs getting myself out of breath and slowing down I think of the endurance I’m building and how I plan to use it.  We had also talked about going to a nude beach and even having sex in public or semi public (in a sex club).  My heart is in it but when I picture how my body moves when we’re fucking I wonder if  people will think bad things.  So getting sexy is one thing.  Getting my house in order is another.  I’ve picked up some bad housekeeping habits while partying away my 20’s and living with a slacker.  I need to turn that around.  I’d hate to think if we finally do live together that I’m the problem now when it comes to housework.  Plus it’s just something that has to be done period. 

I used to listen to a lot of music, pouring over the lyrics and enjoying finding a new album I think is great.  Life got in the way and I find myself watching more TV than listening to music.  With all the new great bands Tom has turned me on to I am finding myself listening to more music and keeping the idiot box turned off.  It’s refreshing and I feel like I’m getting a bit more in touch with myself.  I think next I need to work on personal relationships.  I need to have time outside of  work and my home without my kids to be a grown-up.  I’ll start on that later this month I think.  So when the time is right I’ll be ready to be a great partner.  Boy, can you imagine how much it would suck to change you’re whole world to be with someone and have that person let you down?  Even if we don’t get to be together all this stuff is good for me and my family.  If we do get to make a life together I want to do everything I can to make it amazing.

Here is the song that inspired the title to my post…


Work harder, damn it…..

26 Jul

I’ve made a commitment to myself that I will get shit back on track for me. I’ve been kinda slacking on housework. Letting the excuse that I’ve worked all day, taken care of the kids untill 9:30 and I’m tired and need to relax. Bull shit, I can do it all. So I will. I also need to make time to talk to Tom at night but I know I can fit it all in. Plus right now he is very tied up, he has a major priority taking up a lot of his time. His kid is spending a few weeks with him. When I look around at my disorganized things and dirty windows I think not only do I want to get it in order for myself; but if Tom were miraculously able to come and visit would he think less of me? I can do more, I can’t let the poor me I have very little help be an excuse. So maybe I burn the candle at both ends for a bit but it will be worth it. I still check my phone way too much but I’m getting better at it and I think this might be a great way to take my mind off of how much I wish he was around and the creeping feelings of doubt I’m starting to get (damn female hormones). The better I feel about myself, my home and my life the better my relationship will be both here and home and 700 miles away.