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Treading water…..

1 Feb

I’m sad to say I still have not gotten to have a decent talk with my fiancé.  We had started one about a week ago.  We were both in the garage and I told him how stressed out I am handling it all and to my standards doing poorly.  I gave him some examples of how he could help that would be low impact due to his health problems.  He seemed open to it, he told me he loves me and wants to do the right things for me and our family.  I then felt like I had left my little ones alone too long and ran inside and started playing with them and that was it. 

That night I didn’t want to rock the boat I thought about talking but was happy to have the kids in bed and peace in the house and just let the sleeping dog lie, so to speak.  It’s always on my mind and I always find a way to dodge it, always finding a way not to rock the boat or avoid him.  I’m disappointed in myself. 

He is going to his first pain management class tonight.  His doctor has taken his prescription down to weekly instead of filling a whole months worth of pills.  They are monitoring him and want to get him off the narcotics but he still says he’s in a lot of pain.  I don’t know what to think.  I was told recently that long term use of pain killers can cause ghost pains.  The body’s way of asking to be fed more narcotics, maybe that’s what he’s got going on there’s no way for me to tell.  I still lean on the fact that when he’s out of pills he doesn’t seek them like I’ve seen addicts do. 

Maybe I’ll get something done this weekend, I have some good ideas of what to talk about from the audio book.  I’m still searching for a therapist and getting antsy whether I should try couples right away or try to go on my own a few times and then go into couples work.  Still just treading water.

Fight night….

24 Oct

I made it through security before I started crying.  I put on my iPod and just cried quietly to myself waiting for my plane.  I was two and a half hours early.  I knew I was going to come home to a shit storm and I have no idea when I will see Tom again.  I texted my family to let them know I’m starting my trip home.  No response from my fiancé.  I had a fellow come up to me and ask if I wanted to get a drink.  Usualy I would state that I’m not available and take them up on friendly conversation but this time I didn’t have it in me. 

I boarded my plane and tried again to read but I couldn’t.  I texted Tom that I was just about to fly out of his state, that I love him.  I was pretty excited when I booked my trip that my layover was in Vegas.  I thought that I would gamble maybe get a cocktail and there would be lots of interesting people to talk to.  Well there was gambling drinking and people, but I still wasn’t myself enough to enjoy it.  I did gamble a bit.  I put $5 into a machine and pulled out $12.  Big winner!  I texted my family again and tried to plug in my phone.  Charging stations had no power.  My phone is dying now.  My crying is slowing down now.  I now have something to distract me.  My car.  My key gets stuck in the ignition.  When I left my car in long term parking six days ago the key was in the ignition.  I’m so scared the car will be gone. 

When I land at my local airport I can’t wait to see.  I look around frantically trying to find S-11.  Spotted, now wheeling my bag desperately I spot my car.  I yell to her how happy I am to see her. I load up and turn the key and she starts easily.  I hit the road, I love driving.  I’m blasting music thinking about Tom.  Wondering what questions I’ll be asked when I get home.  I stop for a burger and some gas and keep on trucking. 

I get home and I’m strangely calm.  No one greets me.  It’s 10 at night.  My fiancé pops out of the back room and snaps that the boys are already in bed.  I sneak in and my oldest sits up.  He has the biggest grin on his face we kiss and cuddle.  He says Mommy is tomorrow your work day.  I tell him no sweetie we are going to spend all day together tomorrow.  I thought the little one was sleeping but I turn to see him sitting up in his bed just beaming at me.  I hug him and kiss him too.  They both say goodnight and lay back down like the little angels they can be and I shut the door.  I now have to face the the mess I’ve made.

I enter our bedroom and my fiancé is not talking to me.  I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself.  Then it starts.  Yelling, name calling. How he’s so depressed, that I left him with very little money to spend.  How having very little money keeps him from interacting with other parents. That all the pills and the health problems keep him down. He tells me the boys didn’t even miss me, that’s the first thing that gets to me.  I start to fight back.  Excercise and a better diet will help the health problems, cut out fast food and random purchases if he needs money to go out. If he doesn’t want me to go on business trips make me the stay at home spouse.  If I’m that bad then maybe I need to find some child care and you need a place to live.  I’m not being productive.  I’m being mean, just as mean as he is.  It might even be worse because I carry the load and he’s part of it.  Things are going round and round making no progress.  I’m to sad and tired to try to fix this.  I lay down and sleep.  He pops in a few more times to shout about how horrible I am.  Before I know it, it’s all gone and I’m asleep.

Rambeling about myself…..

14 Aug

In a nut shell my situation is this.  I’m with my fiancé who I’ve been together with for 15 years now.  We have been together since high school.  We have two kids under the age of 5, two dogs, a house and two cars.  Kinda like the American dream right?  Well that’s the short version.  I feel the need to give the long version now. 

We are both high school drop-outs.  I some have a great job even though I’m quite the fuck up.  I’ve smoked weed well over half of my time on this earth.  I got my job at before they started drug testing.  I enjoy using a variety of tamer drugs for recreation when the time is right.  Before my kids I used to trip about once a month.  Do E about every so often and do blow well probably 4-5 nights a week.  Don’t even ask about the drinking.  Even with all this I always showed up to work and performed.  I have a grow room all my own.  When it’s working I stay up late caring for my ladies and playing chemist with all the supplements that a hydro system needs.  I listen to metal, psychobilly, reggae and rock.  I’m just starting to get into punk.  I love to go to shows and even though I’m too old for this shit I love to bounce around in a mosh pit.  Now instead of a Slayer pit I stick to the more tame ones.  Even though I have two little kids I still like to have a good time, but I will not let my wants get in the way of caring for them and protecting them.  I have scaled back my partying a ton.  In fact now it’s probably 2 – 3 nights a year that I get crazy and that’s only when the kids are safely staying with a family member.  I’m learning how to live a “normal” life.  My co-workers mostly don’t know about my tendency to party.  They for sure don’t know I’m bi.  I feel like I have to keep so much of my self separate from parts of my life.  My work has social events some times you bring your spouse.  I have trouble bringing my fiancé because of all the stuff he cannot talk about.  Plus with no career or job he kinda doesn’t fit in.  I think sometimes like I’m an undercover freak.

Now I’ve got a new secret in my life Tom.  He doesn’t do drugs or smoke.  He has a job.  He was in the military for 10 years.  He does like to go to shows and he loves me.  I think he is the closest to a normal person who loves me ever.  I broke up with my fiancé once and I started dating a chef who was also a large-scale grower close to normal but not so much.  He had 10lbs of weed in his back room and half a pound of psychedelic mushrooms and the underside of his deck was double grow room.  Now I have a guy who is interested in me that would match up with how normal my life has become.  I could take him with me to the normal events and I wouldn’t have to remind him of what not to talk about.  I’ve told him about as much of my life as he would listen too.  I’d feel comfortable telling him anything he wants to know.  He says he’d be OK if I still chose to do drugs for fun.  He’s OK with me liking women ( guess what guy wouldn’t be).  He even said he would be OK letting me fuck another guy if it made me happy.  I love the way I feel when I’m talking to him.  When I’m with him.  He lives 700 miles from me.  He is married, they have a house, two dogs and two cars and a person they take care of.  We’ve only been in the same place a total of 6 days.  3 of those days were only a few hours.  I am so drawn to him.  When we talk about sex I’m so turned on by him.  When we talk about everyday stuff I want to be there.  When we talk about meeting I’m ready to run to him.  Still I don’t know where this will lead.  My heart is getting way to wrapped up in this and I’m starting to lose it.  My life was already complicated but now it’s dizzying. 

Some times I wonder why don’t I just say good-bye to both of them.  One doesn’t help me much and sometimes drags me down.  The other is, well, unavailable.  Then I think who would know me and love me.  I need a decent person to be with me and my kids and what decent person would like me with my crazy ways.  Maybe I’m over thinking this but it keeps coming back arround in my head.  I think I’ll do what I’ve always done.  Look forward, work hard and keep being me.

Biding my time untill the time is right…..

4 Aug

I had come to the point where I could not imagine going day that I don’t talk to Tom.  The idea of not talking for weeks or months was painful.  Now not having talked to him for three whole days I’m seeing things differently.  My anxious feelings are waning.  I still love him and still want to be with him but maybe waiting might be OK.  Yesterday he started to play some words on our scrabble games.  I kept trying to send words back as fast as I could.  Silly as it seems the game makes me feel like I’m in touch with him.  

So, I’m still kinda slacking on my workouts but I have been climbing stairs on my lunch breaks this week.  I can’t afford to go to the gym nor do I have time so on my lunch I go down town and climb 4 parking garages 2x’s.  In total it’s like climbing 38 stories.  I’m going to get back to my morning work out next week.  It’s a 6 day a week work out plan so I feel like starting on Monday is a must here.  I keep reminding myself as I get lazy not only am I doing this for my kids and myself but I’m doing it to be my best for when I can be with Tom again.  Next time we are together I want to not only look better but have better endurance and flexibility.  When I was riding him I wore out too quick.  I want to be able to blow his mind, so as I’m climbing the stairs getting myself out of breath and slowing down I think of the endurance I’m building and how I plan to use it.  We had also talked about going to a nude beach and even having sex in public or semi public (in a sex club).  My heart is in it but when I picture how my body moves when we’re fucking I wonder if  people will think bad things.  So getting sexy is one thing.  Getting my house in order is another.  I’ve picked up some bad housekeeping habits while partying away my 20’s and living with a slacker.  I need to turn that around.  I’d hate to think if we finally do live together that I’m the problem now when it comes to housework.  Plus it’s just something that has to be done period. 

I used to listen to a lot of music, pouring over the lyrics and enjoying finding a new album I think is great.  Life got in the way and I find myself watching more TV than listening to music.  With all the new great bands Tom has turned me on to I am finding myself listening to more music and keeping the idiot box turned off.  It’s refreshing and I feel like I’m getting a bit more in touch with myself.  I think next I need to work on personal relationships.  I need to have time outside of  work and my home without my kids to be a grown-up.  I’ll start on that later this month I think.  So when the time is right I’ll be ready to be a great partner.  Boy, can you imagine how much it would suck to change you’re whole world to be with someone and have that person let you down?  Even if we don’t get to be together all this stuff is good for me and my family.  If we do get to make a life together I want to do everything I can to make it amazing.

Here is the song that inspired the title to my post…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3w8XLZu7nyI

 

Work harder, damn it…..

26 Jul

I’ve made a commitment to myself that I will get shit back on track for me. I’ve been kinda slacking on housework. Letting the excuse that I’ve worked all day, taken care of the kids untill 9:30 and I’m tired and need to relax. Bull shit, I can do it all. So I will. I also need to make time to talk to Tom at night but I know I can fit it all in. Plus right now he is very tied up, he has a major priority taking up a lot of his time. His kid is spending a few weeks with him. When I look around at my disorganized things and dirty windows I think not only do I want to get it in order for myself; but if Tom were miraculously able to come and visit would he think less of me? I can do more, I can’t let the poor me I have very little help be an excuse. So maybe I burn the candle at both ends for a bit but it will be worth it. I still check my phone way too much but I’m getting better at it and I think this might be a great way to take my mind off of how much I wish he was around and the creeping feelings of doubt I’m starting to get (damn female hormones). The better I feel about myself, my home and my life the better my relationship will be both here and home and 700 miles away.