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Doin’ stuff and getting stuff….

19 Sep

I’ve gotten a lot done recently.  I put in a lawn, cleaned my car, straightened up and organized most of my house.  Got my hair cut. Yesterday alone I went to court and got the restraining order against Dick adjusted to make it easy to go to events for the children and allow him to use my home to see them when the rain comes.  It will be in place for three years.  I went to the doctor and with a little fight and two appointments I got an IUD.  I purchased needed clothing for my growing five year old, gassed up the car and got some wine that was on a great sale.  I went to the bank and got money for my fathers space rent and got a secured card to start to rebuild my credit after the bankrupcy.  After all that I made a delicious dinner did some laundry and cleaned the house a bit.  Staying busy is great now if I can incorporate some sociableness into this I will be one happy girl.

Tom has insisted on taking care of me.  He sent me a sprinkler and a timer that has made my life much easier.  When I found out my phone company was not replacing my phone for free he insisted on buying me a new one.  I felt very guilty about this.  However he is very sure he wants to do this for me and he explained that the smart phone kept our contact on a much more fun and convenient level.  He said he was willing to spend up to $600!!!  Yeah freaked me out too.  I was able to convince my phone company to let me upgrade early and give me an upgrade price for my new top of the line phone.  It only cost $200 it’s still more of a gift then I think I’ve ever taken from someone who is not blood and I think it cost more than my engagement ring.

After that last post taking such a kind gift felt really bad at first but he reminded me I picked up the hotel for our first meeting and our meeting in Sac.  When his funds fell short and we could have found ourselves having lunch at Subway I made sure we went someplace we would both really enjoy.  My thinking was that we had so little time together that I wanted to make everything as nice as possible and Subway is usually my last resort.  So I am excited to say I’ll be connected again soon!  Having no internet access at home sucks.

The first night in his domain….

31 Jul

The bands were good.  Someone skated the half pipe and fell a few times but didn’t get hurt.  They had 22s of my favorite beer.  I met a nice girl that works at a clothing consignment and second hand store.  Met some of the friends he has told me about.  Hung out with the preggo gal and her friends.  Tom chatted with some people away from me.  It was a different dynamic than I am used to.  The freedom not to be by my date’s side and not having to worry about how it will effect my night if I’m not shadowing him all the time. 

I smoked that night.  I bummed a cig the first time I smoked.  The next time I asked a fella and one of the girls I’d been talking to said, “You asked the wrong dude.  He’s the biggest bum.”  So being playful I asked him to bum a cig for me.  He did and we all chatted.  He is a funny little guy a drummer from a band and had a tattoo of a drumming panda on his arm.  We went in for a while and enjoyed the band.  They sounded great.  The energy in the room was awesome.  After a while we went back outside.  I talked with my drummer friend and Tom chatted with the girls.  The drummer guy’s buddy a singer for one of the bands they are in together came over. 

This is a punk show.  I’m not very punk. I’m more of a rock-a-billy, metal, Cali girl combo.  They started talking about my outfit.  I’m wearing a black Lucky 13 tank top with a little green loose knitted sweater and a pair of slightly baggy wide leg torn up washed out light blue jeans.  I’m from California so I’m wearing flip flops, simple black.  I’ve got black hair, betty bangs, red lips, cat eyes and little plugs.  They start in about my pants and shoes.  I should be wearing tight black jeans worn in, some chucks and not a brand name tank.  I’m teasing them back that I look good and they look like shit.  They start saying from here up beautiful, hand slicing me at my waist, from here down needs work.  They spin me arround, but you have a nice ass, front side great boobs. Here let me take off that sweater he says, it was hooked with a safety pin behind the button so he bit it off.  He’s clearly drunk but he’s funny and I’m teasing him.  Out of nowhere Tom comes through the guys and grabs me right at the sides of my boobs and guides me through those two and back to his truck.

I’m giggling the whole way.  Tom said he was done with the show.  He wanted to get me alone.  We make out in the car for a bit.  Those arousal pills were making me feel even more ready than I thought.  We’re touching and kissing on the drive home.  He grabs some towels and we head for the hot tub.  The night sky is beautiful.  We get in nude and start kissing.  I don’t know if it’s the pills or the night or the excitement to be with him again but it’s AMAZING.  I’m riding him as we’re kissing, half floating away and pulling myself back down hard.  Grinding, getting chills and tingles. 

He takes me upstairs and we’re fucking every which way.  Licking and sucking.  Touching and pushing.  He starts to play with my ass and I return the favor.  I decide to let him try again.  I have him get the lube and we go slow.  I talk him through it.  Oh, my it was hard.  He is very thick and it took more work than I thought to get him inside of me.  It was amazing but still surprising.  Once he felt comfortable he started to thrust harder.  I had to direct him to slow down.  This seems to be something I do when I’m tipsy so I threw caution to the wind and let him go back to fucking my pussy where he could thrust hard.  After a bit more fun he let me know he was cumming and I took him into my mouth.  I worked every last bit out of him as he moaned and his body shuddered against me.  He held me breathlessly and told me how wonderful it felt.  I told him how much I love him and that it was perfect for me too.  I was happy to be his first.  We fell asleep easily in each others arms.

What’s up buttercup?…..

5 Sep

I thought I was on the right track.  I thinking I’ll talk to Tom a little less.  Try not to be touching my phone constantly looking for his next message to me.  I planned to go home and have some wine and be nice to my fiancé.  Maybe even try to be romantic, getting a little tipsy always helps, right?  My night started off well.  I got home from work and my fiancé was BBQ’ing some ribs and potatoes.  I had some wine he had some too.  We were talking in the back yard having a puff or two.  I started in on myself, about how I need to do more.  My backyard is a mess, my garage has a pool table dartboard and video games and is so cluttered we cannot play anything, various areas of my house desperately need some organizing.  As I’m stressing about all I have to do he’s trying to comfort me.  How we have nice things, we own our home and the house is clean just needs some organizing.  After a nice dinner, I start to clean up the kitchen.  The kids and my fiancé are watching a movie.  I have not gotten to spend any time with the kids so I sit down and cuddle up with my oldest.  My youngest then hops on my lap.  We are talking about the movie and I get a text from Tom.  He is letting me know he’s going to bed early and won’t be able to talk.  I send him a quick goodnight.  We are watching the movie all warm and cozy and I doze off.  I know it doesn’t seem like much but it makes my fiancé so mad.  The kids are up about an hour and a half past bedtime.  After the movie, I’m getting them put to bed and I’m groggy.  I say no story tonight because we stayed up extra late to watch the movie.  The kids are OK with this.  Then as we are singing to them (we sing to them every night) my fiancé says they have not brushed their teeth.  I say they can do it tomorrow they are already in bed.  He then digs at me for being lax on my parenting.  I get their teeth brushed.  I help my 2 year old but let my 4 1/2 year old brush without my help.  My fiancé comes in to check on us.  Making sure I’m doing the brushing.  I let him know the oldest is doing a fine job on his own.  He starts makes a few other rude comments that make me not even want to look at him.  Instead of trying to wake myself up and hang out with him, I just crawl into bed.  I’m a heavy sleeper, he is not.  He often complains that if I’m cooking or cleaning in the kitchen I make too much noise for him to sleep.  So as I’m lying down I hear banging and smashing going on in the kitchen.  It is way beyond a by accident situation.  Then stomping along with the banging.  I do what I’m best at.  Ignore it and go to sleep.  I doze off and wake up I’m guessing shortly after because my fiancé has turned on all the lights.  He’s being kinda nice all of a sudden.  We talk about watching a show.  He puts on a show I missed that he had already seen to pass the time until the new show comes on.  I fall asleep again.  He doesn’t wake me this time. 

This morning I’m thinking maybe if we do it, he’ll be a little nicer.  Plus I wake up thinking of Tom and it makes me horny.  I know fucked up.  Before he can even answer I hear my youngest rustling around in the kitchen.  I get up and help him.  He needs to go potty.  Both the kids are up now and I take them into bed and we cuddle for a bit.  My fiancé doesn’t acknowledge us at all.  We go off to have some breakfast the boys want cereal.  So as they eat I’m cleaning.  All that noise last night was just my fiancé piling things into the skink not actually cleaning.  I then see Tom has played scrabble with me so I send a few words and then think about eating myself.  My fiancé is now up and cooking something.  The boys are asking to go cuddle again.  I tell them I will.  I send off one more scrabble word and go to hook up my phone to the CPU to download all the pictures I have.  I have to install the program to import the pictures.  While I’m fiddling with this stuff the boys run into our bedroom.  My fiancé starts yelling at me that I told them I would cuddle but I’m too busy with my phone.  I start to explain what I’m doing and he just barks that I’m not doing what I said I would do.  Then I say I’m hungry boys I want to eat something.  My fiancé barks at me again that I’m not attending to the boys.  So I ditch my breakfast.  Send a quick message to Tom wishing him a good morning and that I love him and then go cuddle with the boys.  As I pass my fiancé, he starts bitching at me.  Calling me names.  Telling me I’m a bad parent.  I ask how much he really engages the boys or just throws out toys or crayons and goes back to whatever he was watching or fucking with on his phone.  He claims he does engage them but he has given no details.  I shut the door and just enjoy the boys.  After we cuddle for a while, I tell them time to go play.  Send them out to the front where my fiancé is and I start folding laundry and putting it away.  I do another load.  Run the dishwasher and hop in the shower.  I have to be at work in 30 minutes.  On my way to work I’m just beside myself I just picture myself driving all the way to Tom and getting a big hug from him.  It’s so not possible he lives 12 hrs away, but it just sounds so good.  When I get to the office, I’m alone for a minute and there is a ton of work.  As my computer fires up I check my phone and see a message from Tom.  The messages go like this:

Me:  Hope you have a nice morning…..love you.

Tom: You don’t sound like your normal cheerful self.  You OK?

Me: I can’t believe you can tell….I’ll be OK

Tom: What’s up buttercup?

Tom: Couldn’t you tell if I was unhappy?

Me: Yes…It just wasn’t much of a message….I’m surprised you noticed with so little info….Thank you

Tom:  I love you Kelli.  It’s my job to pick up what you’re puttin down.

So that’s where I’m at.  Working my ass off.  Wishing I was someplace else.  Trying not to let my co-workers see me tear up.  Thinking I’m gonna fuck off after work.  It’s a short day being a holiday and all.  My fiancé doesn’t know.  My co-worker that is on with me today is just about my closest friend.  She knows what a dick my Fiancé is and she knows who Tom is but not the extent of our relationship.  Since she has dinner at my house and hangs out with my fiancé so I don’t want to burden her with the secret.  We might go get a drink together.  I hope I can keep my mouth shut and my eyes dry.

When I daydream……

2 Aug

Some times I daydream I think about how it would be to live with Tom.  How nice it would be to snuggle on the couch with him.  Exploring all the different beautiful places to hike and swim all around this area.  How I would have a lawn in my back yard and maybe Pergo floors like I’ve wanted for years.  I could be excited about the future again knowing I had someone who is willing to work as hard if not harder than I to get what they want.  I really think with someone like him around it would bring my “game” up a notch.  He has a boat and likes to be outside.  Our weekends would be full of adventures.  He likes a variety of music I think we would have fun going to different shows together.  He knows how to fix stuff, I think that is so sexy.  I would love to get greasy with him fixing up an old hot rod or motorcycle. 

Now all these wonderful things would make for a rosy life.  My only problem is I cannot see how my kids will fit in with Tom.  Maybe it’s to early or maybe it’s because it’s just not ment to be.  He has said before that he likes kids and kids like him but who wants to step in and start to live with another persons little kids.  So maybe it’s selfish of me to think about being with Tom.  Could my desires not be fair to my kids?  If it did work, if they clicked he would totally enrich their lives.  All those things I love about him would be great examples for them.  A dedicated hard-working loving husband is not something they see much of.  Don’t get me wrong my fiancé is affectionate sometimes but he doesn’t do much to contribute to the family.  They will not be learning work ethic from their Dad that’s for sure. 

All this makes me think of my Dad.  When I was really little he had jobs working in construction and in lumber yards.  I remember visiting his work and being impressed by the framed out houses and half built structures.  The large stack of wood and the huge forklifts, cranes and the heavy machines to fix the wood.  At home I remember him working on cars and building an elaborate fort for us.  Pouring concrete and fixing things.  Camping and fishing.  He was a man’s man before he lost his drive.  My kids won’t have those memories.  They will remember their Mom doing most of the work.  They hopefully wont remember the dirt patch that is my back yard but they might.  They will remember Dad spending time with them, playing guitar and cooking for them.  I hope they wont remember the names he calls me and how much we fight about me needing him helping out. 

Now with all this thought out maybe it would be better for Tom to be there, but would it be fair to Tom.  Maybe this is my wake up call.  Stop daydreaming, make the life you need your kids to have a reality yourself.  A strong Mom might be all those sweet little kids need to be strong adults.  If I have to tow along my fiancé, a glorified babysitter, then so be it.  I hope that one day Tom can be i my life and in my kids lives but maybe I’m just taking daydreaming too far.

My regular life…..

24 Jul

Now to get the full picture I think you need this information. This is my current view of my regular life. I am the sole provider for my family of four and our two dogs. I am the main housekeeper. He doesn’t do laundry or dishes but he does cook (and cooks very well). He has not worked for going on 4 years now. I bought our house, I may call it our house but I had to take my own money for the down and even borrow some from my Mom. Before I bought a house I told him I cannot do it alone you have to keep income coming in or we cannot make it, he said he would. We have been together since high school, continuation school to be exact. When we met he worked in the mall and so did I. I worked two jobs. He was living at a friend’s house renting a room. I was still at home. We were together all the time. He would get jealous and angry when I would go out with my friends. He did have a hand in making me a better daughter. He had me calling my family instead of just disappearing for days at a time and pushed me to respect my Mom. That really got me, we fell in love. We moved out together within about a year of dating. We drank a lot, smoked a lot, tripped a lot. We went to concerts and house parties. I had the car and the driver’s license. The bills I paid for were paid on time, his got shut off, and I’d have to save us. He had spells of unemployment but I always had a job. When things got bad we moved in with my Dad. We borrowed money from my Mom. He had no drivers license. I was making more money he was staying the same. Even though we stayed in the same town, I lost contact with my friends. My life had meshed with his and I was the stable one. We broke up on two occasions mainly over his spending money on fun stuff while I had to take care of well all the real life stuff. Our last break up was about a year before we had my son. I was doing very well at work, getting into shape, getting a life of my own and playing ball with my family. From the outside it sounded like he had upgraded his life better parties, got his own place, paying his own bills. My life was good but I missed all the partying we used to do together. So we started talking, talking turned into making out and that turned into sleeping over and then we were back together. Partying like we always had until I got pregnant. At first, I didn’t mind his going out but it started to wear on me, then his spending, then lack of cleaning. Then I had the baby and I wanted to go out and it was a problem, he was controlling, he hit me and it was not the first time, he would call me names, have no regard for the bills. Then he lost his job, then he lost his unemployment, then his health got worse. He would bad mouth my family and me. He never wanted to hike, had no commitment to getting healthy, didn’t fix up the house. I just got sad. So here I am, some days can be good and I hope it will get better but in my heart, I should just know better. It probably won’t is the reality I’m stuck with. Now I have two kids stuck in it with me.