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Getting to know each other in a whole new way….

4 Jul

When we got home from camping we went to my Mom’s house for a BBQ and some swimming.  We got home late and I got the kids down rather quickly.  Since our dogs had been cooped up that was the perfect excuse to get out of the house so I could call Tom.

We talked for two hours.  It was a lot.  He sounded so concerned and serious.  At times even nervous and on edge.  With all that I could hear the love in his voice too.  I voiced my concern about the seemly sudden change in him and asked him why.  Tom told me he had felt that way for a long time now.  That he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to influence my situation with my now ex-fiance. 

He let me know that his wife is a very good girl.  He loves her for it, but their love is turning into more of a friendship.  That he wants more in a marriage to be truly happy on all levels.  The thought of hurting her kills him but with me or without me he needs to move on. Spontaneity was one of the things he mentioned enjoying with me that he doesn’t have at home. He told me that since we’d met he and his wife had only made love two times.  I asked him if he’d talked to her about it? Can they work it out?   He was resolute in telling me that it is just her way and he doesn’t want her to change who she is to be what he needs.  My heart sank a little for the both of them but I do understand. 

We talked about getting to know each other.  He didn’t know my middle name and I had forgotten his.  Both of us intend to find the right person to spend the rest of our lives with and we needed to be sure before any big steps were taken.  Now don’t get all excited that we are running away together next week.  We both have a lot on our plates.  His father lives with him and he won’t want to move.  He must finish caring for his Dad before he can consider moving to California.  I will have to get an arrangement set with my ex and honestly need to be a grown up on my own.  To come into my own before we decide to start a life together.  I do want to go on a few dates.  That may seem odd from what you’ve read about my love for Tom, but I feel like if I don’t explore the adult dating world I might have that what if in the back of my head if I didn’t at least see what it’s like.  He also would go on dates too. 

Our next few conversations would go like this.  I would read into his voice a seriousness and a certain amount of apprehension or concern that seemed very different to me.  I was worried and felt very bad that maybe reading all those 180 and posts in less than a week was tweaking his brain.  In those first few talks I almost felt he was sizing up the chances for us to work.  Looking for my definitive answer.  Worried that it could be a no.

  On my part I felt a strange urgency to give myself to him to let him know everything I could about me.  How I am from day to day.  What can I let him know to show my flaws or things that might rub him the wrong way?  How horrible my ex might be and how I’ll probably be financially stretched taking care of the boys with most likely no help from their father.  No amount of words can really let us know what it will be like living with the other person.  Our intention is to try to learn as much as possible until we can spend more time together.  Taking things one step at a time over the next few years to see if this is going to work in real life.

Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

Feeling crazy….

13 Feb

If I were to sum up this weekend in one word I would go with: Fail.

My weekend started off odd.  I had plans to go to a beautiful co-worker’s birthday.  Then I wanted to go see a show in a very small bar/restaurant that consisted of two solo artists and a little band.  My fiancé had not given me the OK to go to my friends birthday party so I didn’t make plans to go thinking he might not let me go and silly me didn’t want to rock the boat.

Friday night I’m cooking and cleaning away.  I hear him talking to his friend sounds like he was making plans to go out.  I sat for a minute and played with my phone and he calls me out about it.  Telling me I need to be busy doing the housework or engaging the kids.  Once I get the kids down for the night I laid down on our bed and ask if he’s going to let me go out the next night he said he is and he’s planning on going out tonight (catch how he didn’t ask me, not that I care it’s just the double standard that makes my blood boil). 

He starts to ride me a bit about not doing enough cleaning and too much fucking with my phone.  I come right back at him.  He starts yelling that I talk over him.  I’m trying to tell him he starts talking before I finish what I have to say.  I try to step back, change my tone and keep this conversation from turning into a fight.  Even after calming down, slowing down trying to keep things on track he starts to berate me.  Yelling, shut the fuck up, stupid cunt and once he calls me the c word it’s over I can’t talk to him.  I’m telling him if it’s that bad fucking leave, he’s telling me it’s our house he doesn’t have to go that he won’t leave.  He storms off. I go online and take the money in our bank account and transfer it into savings.  He will still have access to it but if he runs the card it will get declined. Hopefully it will remind him that when I’m not at home taking care of the kids and cleaning  that I’m fucking working earning the money he loves to spend!

He comes back to apologise.  He brings a joint and I smoke with him reluctantly.  He’s nice now. He says he shouldn’t do that but it’s how I act that triggers it (apparently once it’s triggered there is no turning back) and I can’t look at him.  I don’t want to fight anymore we watch Okie Noodling it’s weird and distracting.  I fall asleep as he waits for his ride.  I woke up at about 3 in the morning worried about transferring that money.  Knowing it will just make him angry again.  What did I do about it.  Read a few blogs posted a few comments. Rubbed a couple or orgasms out and went back to sleep.

The next day he was a bit pissy at breakfast but nothing to extreme.  I did some housework before taking off with the boys for a hike and a picnic.  When I came back for nap time it was like nothing happened.  I cleaned and organized and played with the kids.  I was excited about going to my friends birthday but now I was feeling apprehensive about it.  After dinner I put the boys down and started to feel very awkward about going out by myself.  Then felt weird about asking anyone to go with me.  He wanted me to smoke with him and watch a show and I did.  I’ve been looking for chances to go out and build a social life and here is a chance for me and I got all freaked out and stayed home.  It felt very strange.

The next night my Dad came over to watch the kids.  There was that show I wanted to go see.  I have sort of a girl crush on the gal who was promoting the show.  Not that I want to sleep with her just that I really would love to be her friend rather than just an acquaintance.  The music well honestly isn’t my normal type.  I found beauty in it but I wasn’t completely a fan, my fiancé didn’t like it very much at all.  The opening act was definitely not my speed.  So as we talked about going I got more and more nervous.  What would I say to the gal I like and how would it be hanging out with my fiancé who I even now feel awkward around and trying to keep him happy.  Let alone that the venue is so small I imagine the artists looking out into the crowd and being able to see everyone’s faces.  If the music is so so and my date is not my favorite company I might offend the artist.  I know it’s crazy (see the title of this post) so we didn’t go to the show. 

We got some dinner and went to a late night tasting and sample night at a organic grocery store.  It all went OK.  We got home very early the kids weren’t even in bed yet.  My Dad looked a bit concerned but he was happy to go home early.  We tried to watch a movie together and I fell asleep.  He kept asking me for sex.  I gave in.  He started kissing me and I couldn’t do it, I turned my head.  He started rubbing my breasts and legs.  My posture changed from relaxed to me curling up.  Hands clamped against my chest clearly an unwilling recipient.  His breathing was so heavy bothering me, grossing me out.  I just rolled over and let it happen.  No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me.  It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.

Pardon my long, whiney, crazy post.  Some times it feels better to get it out.  This time I’m feeling a bit embarased about it.  However I have been trying to keep an honest account of the things that effect my life with my fiance and my lover and this is it.  Maybe I’m going a bit mad.

If I could just have….

16 Nov

I’ve been thinking about what I’m missing in a partner.  What would my ideal relationship look like?  Mostly it comes back to someone genuinely caring about my happiness.  Sometimes I do feel like my fiance cares about my happiness but it seems to come with an alterior motive. 

 I really want someone who can take initiative.  I don’t want to have to tell someone what to do all the time.  Right now if I put laundry in the washing machine before work it’s still in there when I get home even though I know he’s been in the garage several times to smoke.  Why can’t he just move the wet laundry to the drier. Why!?!?  If I’m voicing concerns about our finances ask questions, try to be part of the solution.  If the house needs repairs or organizing go for it! 

This might be ridiculous but it’s something I think about when we fight.  I want someone who wants to win my favor.  Who wants to see me smile.  Even if they are right and I’m wrong they think I’m worth compromising for.  I think to all the romantic comedies that I’ve seen and I want a piece of that.  You know, the even thought she ran off with another man he is chasing her with roses or poems or what ever because she is the one. 

I think if I had to do over agin I would look for someone with a can do attitude.  Some one that even in the face of adversity presses forward and looks for ways to overcome whatever is the trouble at the time.  I think that is someone I can build a future with.  Right now if feels like I’m just trying to survive untill the next day. 

I’m sure there is a ton of other stuff I can add to this list but since I have to write in secret I don’t have much time to create my posts.

Trying to frind my way….

4 Oct

I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.  On one had I can’t imagine life without my fiancé and on the other I can’t see a good life with him.  I am talking to Tom less and less.  I know I’ll never get to be with him.  It’s just something I got myself carried away with.  I’m still so excited to see him but I think I need to tell him I just can’t do it anymore.  It breaks my heart I really feel like we could make each other happy.  He is happy he doesn’t need me for that.  I’m the sad messed up one.  I started to think if my fiance leaves me because of this trip.  If I get caught there is no turning back.

When I think of being alone I get scared.  I really don’t have many friends.  I feel like the trashy person no one wants at their parties.  I don’t think that’s true but for some reason I get so insecure.  I see a long lonely life with the people who were once friendly acquaintances not wanting to see me because of what happened with me and my fiancé.  I get so self-conscious with new people.  I feel like I’ve been in this bubble for so long I don’t know how to operate without my fiancé.  I remember having this feeling of not belonging anywhere when my fiancé and I broke up 5 or 6 years ago.

I’m so torn.  What can I tell my fiancé?  How can I work on things?  He’s already so fragile.  He says how we’re in a loveless relationship,  how I don’t love him anymore.  I don’t know if I do or if I even can love him like I used to.  The worst part is I came back to him.  Throwing myself at him.  Telling him I was a bad girlfriend not enough sex and not doing enough around the house.  I made him cum every morning for I don’t know how long when we got back together back then.  He makes me feel safe and it feels like home with him.  It’s just everything else that is fucked up.  I don’t know if anyone would accept me like he does. I don’t know what would happen with the kids, the house, the dogs, my pay check and on and on…..

A while back I said to myself I just need to put my head down and work on myself.  I think that’s what I should do.  I need; to get into shape, a better routine around the house, a secondary source of income, a better vehicle, a more organized approach to leading my little crew at work, more time with my extended family and a circle of friends.  It’s a big list.  I know I can do it.  I just need to stop making problems for myself.  I just need to put my fiancé on the back burner and have a back bone when it comes to letting him know what I need to help run this household while we’re in it together.

WTF….

29 Sep

My morning started out normal enough I made some oatmeal for the family. As I was making lattes for my fiancé and I he seasoned the oatmeal and served it to the boys. I was bringing sprinkles for the boys to put on the oatmeal as my oldest asked for cinnamon in his. My fiancé said he already added some so I went to the stove to serve myself. It smelled like Indian food, weird right? I put my nose into my bowl of oatmeal and that was it. My fiancé added cumin instead of cinnamon. He took a bite before I could spit out the words. He said he couldn’t get the cumin taste out of his mouth …*giggle*. I made another batch and was now running late.

At work for the most part things are good. I’m the department lead. We are making record profits and when my manager moves on I pretty much have his job in the bag. At the end of the day my manager is having a strange conversation in his office. One of our top clients is bitching about how I delivered a final decision on their account. My manager bends to her request even though his boss had said not to. I had the authority to make the call but it wad an unreasonable request. We got in a long talk about how he learned to deal with these blow hards. He says not to wory about it but how can he expect them to respect my decisions if the can just push him around and get what they want. Needless to say I went home a little frustrated.

I was feeling sick and had a headache at the end of the day. It could have been that I’d had just some cheese and crackers for lunch and I was getting crampy from the time of the month. I get home and say hello to everyone. I ho into the kitchen where my fiancé is cooking dome stir fry and right before I reach him my stomach turns and cramps and I get a horrible look on my face from the discomfort. I say I feel sick. He the yells at me telling me that shouldn’t be the first thing I say to him. I’m instantly pissed. I tell him I said hello daddy as I was came in the house. That I truly feel sick and that’s the first thing he says to me every morning for months now. I’m crying now and go sit with my boys and space out as they watch sesame street. He calls us in for dinner and snaps at me because I only have a tiny bit of food on my plate. I say again I feel sick and he starts in on me again. He calls me a cunt at the dinner table in front of my boys. I politely ask him not to say such words in front of them. At that point he yells at me gor being 15 minutes late and I told him I was talking to my boss about a problem account. He says you lied in your text about just leaving the office. I try to explain and he yells what else do you lie about. What are you doing with your phone all the time. My 4 year old leans over and say do you remember how much fun we had at the fair without Daddy. He gets pissed saying how we’d lile it if he wasn’t around. My oldest said I was just trying to tell mommy a secret. The boys and I are done eating and i’m trying to think of where we can go when my fiancé says he’s leaving. It’s good for me. As he takes off on his beach cruiser I pray for a car to hit him or a freak lightning storm to take him out. When he’s gone the boys and I do puzzles together. I’m trying not to cry but I keep leaking a little. My two year old brings me a beer saying here you go mama have a beer. I have him put it back but thank him. My oldest tells me how he doesn’t like it when we fight. He says he saw my tears and and it makes him sad and gave me a hug. He asks when will you feel like your self again. I finally cheer up and we pick up and do bedtime stories.

My fiancé returns home and I take my muts out for a walk. Tom is already in bed with his wife 700 fucking miles away and I feel defeated I’m broke, I’ve got two great kids with an asshole that I don’t have the guts to stand up to and I need to grow a dick to get ahead at work. What the fuck!!!!

Graceland and weddings….

9 Sep

My co-worker/friend just caught me.  She’s been saying my fiance and I should get married that it might help with our problems.  I was joking around saying I almost got married at Graceland, not the Graceland but a shop by that name in a city I recently visited.  Just for background my fiancé and I have said since we’ve been together so long there will be no white wedding we’ll just go to Vegas and get married by Elvis.  Tom had said we should run away to Graceland and get married (weird huh?  He didnt know about the Vegas/Elvis thing before he said it).  So, after I said I almost got married at Graceland she said with who?  I stuttered and she said I knew it!  She busted me out about my trip to meet Tom.  I had told my co-workers I was going on a trip with my Step-Sister and didnt want my fiancé to know because he would not alow me to go.  She busted me out right at the end of the day.  I so wanted to tell her all about it, but I don’t think she cares to hear.  We’re friends, known each other for over 10 years now.  She’s partied with us and gone to concerts.  She knows my fiancé well.  She knows he’s a burden but she also knows he’s not the worst guy ever.  When I talk about Tom she ask the questions I have not asked pressed him on yet:  Why is he doing this to his wife?  How is their relationship?  Why aren’t they having sex much?  Will he ever want to leave her for me?  If he’s fooling arround with other girls now won’t he do the same to you?  That one is one I couldn’t bring myself to tell her.  She doesn’t know I like girls too.  I feel the need to be as professional as possible at work.  I feel lucky to have this job.  I don’t want to get passed up on promotions because I’m kind of a freak.  So many secrets!