Tag Archives: co worker

Feeling crazy….

13 Feb

If I were to sum up this weekend in one word I would go with: Fail.

My weekend started off odd.  I had plans to go to a beautiful co-worker’s birthday.  Then I wanted to go see a show in a very small bar/restaurant that consisted of two solo artists and a little band.  My fiancé had not given me the OK to go to my friends birthday party so I didn’t make plans to go thinking he might not let me go and silly me didn’t want to rock the boat.

Friday night I’m cooking and cleaning away.  I hear him talking to his friend sounds like he was making plans to go out.  I sat for a minute and played with my phone and he calls me out about it.  Telling me I need to be busy doing the housework or engaging the kids.  Once I get the kids down for the night I laid down on our bed and ask if he’s going to let me go out the next night he said he is and he’s planning on going out tonight (catch how he didn’t ask me, not that I care it’s just the double standard that makes my blood boil). 

He starts to ride me a bit about not doing enough cleaning and too much fucking with my phone.  I come right back at him.  He starts yelling that I talk over him.  I’m trying to tell him he starts talking before I finish what I have to say.  I try to step back, change my tone and keep this conversation from turning into a fight.  Even after calming down, slowing down trying to keep things on track he starts to berate me.  Yelling, shut the fuck up, stupid cunt and once he calls me the c word it’s over I can’t talk to him.  I’m telling him if it’s that bad fucking leave, he’s telling me it’s our house he doesn’t have to go that he won’t leave.  He storms off. I go online and take the money in our bank account and transfer it into savings.  He will still have access to it but if he runs the card it will get declined. Hopefully it will remind him that when I’m not at home taking care of the kids and cleaning  that I’m fucking working earning the money he loves to spend!

He comes back to apologise.  He brings a joint and I smoke with him reluctantly.  He’s nice now. He says he shouldn’t do that but it’s how I act that triggers it (apparently once it’s triggered there is no turning back) and I can’t look at him.  I don’t want to fight anymore we watch Okie Noodling it’s weird and distracting.  I fall asleep as he waits for his ride.  I woke up at about 3 in the morning worried about transferring that money.  Knowing it will just make him angry again.  What did I do about it.  Read a few blogs posted a few comments. Rubbed a couple or orgasms out and went back to sleep.

The next day he was a bit pissy at breakfast but nothing to extreme.  I did some housework before taking off with the boys for a hike and a picnic.  When I came back for nap time it was like nothing happened.  I cleaned and organized and played with the kids.  I was excited about going to my friends birthday but now I was feeling apprehensive about it.  After dinner I put the boys down and started to feel very awkward about going out by myself.  Then felt weird about asking anyone to go with me.  He wanted me to smoke with him and watch a show and I did.  I’ve been looking for chances to go out and build a social life and here is a chance for me and I got all freaked out and stayed home.  It felt very strange.

The next night my Dad came over to watch the kids.  There was that show I wanted to go see.  I have sort of a girl crush on the gal who was promoting the show.  Not that I want to sleep with her just that I really would love to be her friend rather than just an acquaintance.  The music well honestly isn’t my normal type.  I found beauty in it but I wasn’t completely a fan, my fiancé didn’t like it very much at all.  The opening act was definitely not my speed.  So as we talked about going I got more and more nervous.  What would I say to the gal I like and how would it be hanging out with my fiancé who I even now feel awkward around and trying to keep him happy.  Let alone that the venue is so small I imagine the artists looking out into the crowd and being able to see everyone’s faces.  If the music is so so and my date is not my favorite company I might offend the artist.  I know it’s crazy (see the title of this post) so we didn’t go to the show. 

We got some dinner and went to a late night tasting and sample night at a organic grocery store.  It all went OK.  We got home very early the kids weren’t even in bed yet.  My Dad looked a bit concerned but he was happy to go home early.  We tried to watch a movie together and I fell asleep.  He kept asking me for sex.  I gave in.  He started kissing me and I couldn’t do it, I turned my head.  He started rubbing my breasts and legs.  My posture changed from relaxed to me curling up.  Hands clamped against my chest clearly an unwilling recipient.  His breathing was so heavy bothering me, grossing me out.  I just rolled over and let it happen.  No amount of fantasizing or remembering has been able to make it work for me.  It makes me think that I’m hanging on to nothing.

Pardon my long, whiney, crazy post.  Some times it feels better to get it out.  This time I’m feeling a bit embarased about it.  However I have been trying to keep an honest account of the things that effect my life with my fiance and my lover and this is it.  Maybe I’m going a bit mad.