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Post 200 and time for a new name……

3 Sep

This is my 200th post!  I can’t belive I’ve written so much and I love to look back at how this weird wonderful love story has unfolded.  I started out sad and stuck but full of excitement and lust for this man who is unlike anyone I’d ever met.  I was torn, knowing what I was doing was wrong by my standards.  Torn about whether my relationship with Dick was worth saving or it was just too toxic to exist.  I look back and I can see my lust and curiosity with Tom turned into caring and loving.  My desire to have him in my life changed from a rescue me with your solid hard working sweet ways to knowing I don’t have to be saved that he will enhance the life I will build on my own. 

I plan to write more, once I can access my home PC or buy a lap top (Dick password protected the home PC and now I cannot log on).  I’ve been trying to be more focused at work however now I have a bunch of side things to do with courts, bills and child care.  So my writing and reading time is low but I intend to come back and write more because I love being able to look back and see how things have changed.  To read how I’ve felt about Tom and myself and even Dick.   

So now I’m not torn.  I feel sure of my path whether it is with Tom or not I need to build a good life for my kids, my dogs and I without Dick.  I will have some set backs and confusion but I won’t feel torn like I did when I started this blog.  I’m thinking I need a new name.  I was hoping to get a fw comments with suggestions.  I have not yet put any thought into it other than my name no longer fits my situation.

Might as well be tattooed on my face…..

10 Apr

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve felt like I’m just running in circles.  Sad, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad…nothing changing…even worse nothing sexy happening.  It all seemed to redundant to write about.  Honestly whether you comment or not I feel like you all know me. Everyone that has given me their opinion, that I totally appreciate and am humbled that you’ve taken the time to read my life and comment, is seeing that I’d be better off without my fiancé. My distress seems to be oozing out of me.  I mentioned before that my boss told me in my review he’s behind me if I need to take a week or so off to set up child care and he would be flexible going forward if I need to take time off for the boys.  My mom and dad are always asking how I’m doing. 

We spent Easter afternoon at my moms house.  After dinner everyone was lounging arround at different areas of the house.   I wandered into the game room and was setting up a game of pool.  My step-sister came in and asked how I was doing.  I glossed over that I’m filing bankruptcy and that I’m trying to get my shit together.  Some how we started talking about my fiancé, she asked why I stay with him.  She told me that when the family gets together and I’m not there they talk about how to get me away from him.  That they would all help, I could stay in one of the two houses the family has as rentals and everyone would love watching the kids and helping me in anyway I need.  She talked to me like I was such a good normal person, I reminded her I’m not like everyone else.  I’m still a bit of trouble.  I couldn’t find a nice husband like she has now, he’d be scared of me.  She said that he likes me a lot and he also can’t see why I stay with my fiancé. 

She told me about leaving her first husband (they married when I was 18 and my fiancé and I were both at the wedding) she had an infant and only made $15k per year.  She didn’t take state assistance because the idea made her uncomfortable.  Her family helped, my family helped…her son is heathy happy and well adjusted.  Her ex never looked back, no child support, no visits he just disappeared. 

It was really touching to coming from her.  I’ve always been a wild child and she was always a bit more for lack of a better word “preppy”.  We weren’t close, sometimes even at odds.  I wasn’t one of the family that was there for her when she needed support.  I was too busy fucking off.  While we talked there were some tears and lots of hugs.  I was left with the feeling that I can do this, I have to do this and everyone knows it and is ready to help.

Can things change?….

19 Feb

We’ve started to open up a little.  He says we’ve got a bond in blood and he wants to keep our family together.  He says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he loves me with all of his heart.  That I’m sexy, smart and amazing.

He knows I’m not happy and I want him to do more.  He sees that I’m sad, disconnected and stressed.  We discussed again that I need his help and not that I want him to do what he is unable to do but I want him to do what he can.  

 He keeps getting stuck on that I want him to work and don’t care about his injury.  I remind him I just want him to contribute. Whether he can find a job that can suit his physical limitations, get disability, start an E-bay store or find a work at home prospect anything that shows he is trying will help.  I remind him that I’m ticked off more because even before he was injured he wouldn’t look for a night job as his unemployment ran out.

We started talking about how he makes me feel.  That when I leave the house at night that I need to be in frequent contact with him.  He tells me how do I know you’re not whoring arround.  Sticky question for me now, right?  I tell him that all these years I’ve been faithful that shouldn’t that earn me the freedom not to have to talk to him every hour. I don’t ask that from him.  This opened the door for him to bring up my youth.  Telling me that I whored arround with 60 men before I was 17 and that I fucked a guy I knew for a week after we broke up.  Both of which were wrong (I had just wrote a bit about it in this post).  It also made me think of another post I need to write but I’ll save that for another time.

We got past that and went into name calling.  Recently at a dinner where well he was being less than desirable dinner company he complained that he is always the last person eating.  He has said a couple of things about himself in the recent past that he has a small mouth and a large gut, not both in the same sentence but he has said it.  So, my smart ass said he’s the last one to finish his meal it might be because of his small mouth and large gut he was terribly offended. Looking back I understand and feel bad about it (I’m far from perfect).  So we were talking about how he was calling me a cunt and fucking bitch when he was yelling at me the other day and he compared it to when I said the small mouth large gut thing.  It took a good 15 minutes to help him understand the difference between using words that have no other purpose than to hurt some one than using something that is off color but could be taken in stride since it’s something you’ve said about yourself.  Again I apologised and said it was wrong of me to have said what I said.  I think he said he was sorry too, he said he just gets so angry and that is the only way he can express himself.

Then he went into how the young me would be very disappointed in the current me.  To which I had to disagree. I’ve always been ambitious and resourceful.  If you think about the young me, doing drugs, stealing cars and stuff, working in the mall, my plan for the future was to rob a few banks and move to Canada, then yes the old me would be like, “Why are you working for the man and there is way too little sex, drugs and rock and roll going on here.”.  I told him I’m proud of myself and I wish you would be too.  He tells me there is nothing he would change. He is so happy to have the boys.  I ask are you proud of yourself and he goes, “Yes, I’m not a crack head, I’ve never been locked up, I’m not homeless, I don’t beat you or the kids we have our own house and great boys.”  Good lord he has succeeded because he’s not a crack head.  I guess I should have seen this coming but when you’re aspirations are to rob banks and move to Canada (pronounced by us as Can-a-Duh-Duh-Duh) not being homeless or in jail is pretty awesome.

The people from pain management had him see a counselor.  Where he told them that his injury and pain was effecting our relationship.  The big box healthcare provided offered him meds which he declined since he takes maybe 10 or so different kinds of medication a day he didn’t want to risk a bad chemical reaction.  He told me how miserable he is.  How he has thought of killing himself though he would never do it.  That the words I said to him ring in his ears, how I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine a life without him and that he doesn’t do it for me any more. 

I was as encouraging as I could be.  We talked about going to counseling.  He wants to try to do better.  I remind him that I don’t expect it to all happen at once but I need to see that he’s trying.  That he cares about making things better together and he’s nice to me and the boys.  Now I need to find a counselor that I can afford and line up child care for when we go.

Therapy attempt….

28 Jan

I went to my therapy session at my Big Box insurance provider.  They scheduled me for a hour for intake and an hour session.  When I was directed to a room with a bunch of other women all filling out the same packet I had in my hand. I knew this wasn’t where I needed to be.  A Doctor came into the room and let us know she would be giving us a 40 minute “infomercial”  (yes that is her exact wording) of the services they offer.  Basicly saying unless you’re in need of meds and constant monitoring you might benefit from a few of the classes they offer.  They also offered a list of non-covered therapists in the area that we might go to but it would not be covered by their insurance. 

Of course I listened and took some mental notes.  Some of the classes might be beneficial but I really was hoping to talk to someone more than once and one on one.  When I sat down with the therapist I was assigned to she was very nice and said that she could possibly refer me to the drug abuse portion of their program due to my fiance constant pain and pain killer use.  My colorful past and the fact I still smoke, drink and occasionally “party” she didn’t think was a problem for me but did think my life issues may be effected by it.  Such as my tough time forming friendships that didn’t revolve around partying and my…gasp…co-depedancy!  I’m sure this could have been seen coming. 

What is a girl to do?  The book that F#@* Knows hooked me up with is giving me lots of good things to think about but I still feel torn.  Things point to good things point to bad.  One chapter asked what my bottom line is, I couldn’t think of anything other than horrible things that no sane person would tolerate.  I guess since we’ve been so dysfunctional for so long and he’s not a horrible monster it’s hard to draw a line.  Oh well, I’ll keep reading and look into my company’s mental health resources to find something that will apply to my situation.

Looking for answers everywhere…..

23 Jan

I’m all over the place again. My fiancé still is in terrible pain and feels sick often. He feels isolated and unloved. It makes me think of a blog entry I’ve read from MysteryCoach Doctors ~ Medications ~ Surprise Ending. She explains how you’re emotions can make you physically ill and I’m starting to wonder if our situation is effecting his physical health. He has a slew of doctors appointments and is starting in a pain management group as mandated by the pain specialist he is starting to see.

I’ve been listening to the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay (thank you F#@*knows)and it’s got me spinning some more.  So many maybes and questions if I’m expecting too much or passing harsh judgement.  Throw in his physical ailments and there is just so many variables.  The book talks a lot about people getting overwhelmed with the amount of things you have to weigh to make a decision to stay or leave.  I’m glad it’s walking me through but I worry I’ll end the book with the same ambivalence that I started with.  Either way it’s information that is helpful and giving me a new unbiased perspective.

Over the weekend he caught me looking at the responses on my blog.  I clicked out and told a sloppy lie.  After some time I told him I was contacting relationship advice web sites to see what to do about our situation.  It opened the door to talk a little about what we can do.  He doesn’t see why I’m so frustrated and sees me as a equal part of the problem.  He got a little irritated saying there is only one side of the story being put out to these advice people and maybe we should try couples counseling again.  I think we will have to do that.  I will get someone in my family to commit to watching the boys and we will have to try to talk things out together.

Things are coming together to look at this crazy situation from all angles maybe I can get my head on straight and finally commit one way or the other.  Jumping in with both feet and feeling good about trying to make things work or break things off.  I know for sure we both can’t keep living this way.

Big box doesn’t like little problems…..

7 Jan

Health insurance can be so aggravating!  I’m part of a big box health insurer and they don’t seem to have many resources for therapy. I just contacted their triage officer who asked me a few questions and started to get hung up on on the drug portion of my saga. The only drugs my fiancé is taking consistently is pain meds prescribed by the same big box healthcare provider that I’m on the phone with.

They say to me they will find me a therapist but, ” We’re really not a weekly session type place.”. They see people every three or two weeks depending on the patient and therapist. If I want to be seen more often I could join a group session with other people trying to work out their problems. I’m sure this is very helpful for some situations but for mine I’m thinking it’s really not what I need.

Now the triage officer’s got enough info he will direct me to someone one. He says, “Well I’m all booked up it might be up to three weeks untill I can get you someone to talk with unless….”Unless I go into a substance abuse type counseling then they could see me in a few days. 

To be fair they did ask me if I was feeling violent or suicidal.  Since I’m honestly not, I told the truth and got pushed to the not important waiting list.  They also asked if I was at risk of physical harm from my fiance, again I am not so to the back of the list I go.

I guess I’ll try the self help approach untill I can be seen. I follow A Blogger in Turmoil and in the comments the group has discussed a book that might help.  The book is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.  Now I just need to find a way to read it in secret.