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29 Jan

I just finished listening to a chapter in the audio book Too Good to Leave Too Bad To Stay.  This chapter was called RESPECT.  Like all the chapters I teeter from one side to the other thinking how bad my fiance is and what good he does have.  I take care of the bills, I earn the income, I handle most of the housework, plan anything that is more complicated than a night out and the list goes on.  He doesn’t really give me the respect I deserve for these things.  He will sometimes say that he appreciates what I do when it’s happening but when we are discussing an issue what I do and what he does are equal in his eyes.  At least that is the impression I get. 

The author talked about respect for your partner at the end of the chapter.  I think that is where it really hit home.  She talked about people not living up to the expectations that you had for them.  She asked that we evaluate what we respect about our partners.  For me it was his compassion for others, he is generally a good friend.  I’ve refered to him as my social planner for years as he is the one to make our plans or get people coming over for a party.  He is a very loving and involved parent.  His cooking is amazing.  I started thinking about all this and while it sounds fine and good I’m adding up that he has the fun list.  Anything real world or complicated falls on my shoulders. 

After thinking about all this I thought of how replaceable he is.  The bottom line is I keep him because I haven’t created my own social life and I’m very attached to him and the memories and history we have together.  Without those things would I truly want this person in my life.  It all seems to be pointing to no.  Before you read this and say she’s finally got it let me explain….

I’ve been doing all this separate from him. I’ve said to him that I can’t see a good life with him but I can’t imagine life without him.  I’ve brought up that I feel under valued, that I think he needs to contribute to the finances and housework and I’ve even told him that he doesn’t turn me on.  Even with all this said we haven’t talked about changing things.  I’d like to at least give that a shot.  He is always telling me what he can’t do and we need to talk about what he can do and what he’s willing to do.  Honestly it’s a hard conversation and I’ve felt like we going in the right direction and I’ve bailed on it before.  We’re both miserable, this needs to change and the longer I wait the harder it gets.

Living in limbo….

30 Nov

Sophia had recently commented that working two jobs I’ll be so tired.  So far it has not been bad.  I’ve only added about 25 hours per week of work to my load.  Today and tomorrow will be special.  I’m a little nervous to see how it will work out.  I’m working 8:30am-5pm at my day job and then 10:30pm to 6am at my night job then back to work 8:30am-5pm then back to work 10:30pm-6pm.  I intend to go home at 5pm eat something then sleep and get up and work.  When I get home maybe I’ll take the dogs out for a walk then shower then go back to working….wow it seems like a lot.  I really do think I can pull it off.  

My other half…well I asked him if he checked out the work from home links I forwarded to him.  He said he started to then the computer froze.  I asked if he filed for disability he said he wants to wait for a friends doctors office to handle the paperwork for him.  Did he check with his layer on the injury case, no. He did make dinner and vacuum the house.  I should be thankful, right?  He’s also being needy and whiney.  He wants me to hold him and kiss him.  It feels like a lie.  I know I’m now a first class liar but the faking affection is hard.  Much harder than making something up to cover why I have a glowing smile on my face after I get one of my lovers texts. 

Honestly, right now, I wish he could just disappear, not die, not move, just vanish, maybe reincarnate into a happy puppy or something.  I don’t know if I have the guts to send his sorry ass away only for him to shift from being viciously hateful to utterly pitiful and back again.  The thought of my kids getting shuffled arround is also weighing on me.  My fiancé says he wants to make it work. That he loves me.  The kids and I are the best thing that has ever happened to him but he is in such pain he needs help.  Maybe it’s the pain and the diabetes and the pills, but maybe it’s not.  How long can I wait, what do I do?

I want it to be better it’s just…..

18 Nov

Last night I got some things out.  I never got to be constructive.  My fiancé keeps trying to get intimate.  I am starting to hug and kiss him a little easier.  When he goes to grab my boobs or my ass I draw back and get stiff.  He asked me why and I told him I just don’t feel that way about him right now.  This starts a fight.  He starts being mean and calling me names.  My response is if you would like me to desire you maybe you shouldn’t treat me like shit.

We start to go rounds about the housework.  He does very little and he says it’s because he takes care of the kids.  I tell him I don’t think it’s enough.  I let him know that if it’s the pain in his knee that is one thing but if he is not apologetic that he is not able to do more then how can I feel sympathy.  Frankly he is a dick about it.  He bitches that I don’t do enough.  Admittedly I don’t always do as much as I should either being tired or crapped out makes me want to sit on my butt and just zone out or sleep. 

As all of our arguments go we sat down and watched It’s Always Sunny in the same room.  We laughed together at some of their bits.  I think we started fighting again after the show.  I remember going to bed without saying goodnight again.  Sleeping next to the big wall of blankets and pillows that separates us.

If I could just have….

16 Nov

I’ve been thinking about what I’m missing in a partner.  What would my ideal relationship look like?  Mostly it comes back to someone genuinely caring about my happiness.  Sometimes I do feel like my fiance cares about my happiness but it seems to come with an alterior motive. 

 I really want someone who can take initiative.  I don’t want to have to tell someone what to do all the time.  Right now if I put laundry in the washing machine before work it’s still in there when I get home even though I know he’s been in the garage several times to smoke.  Why can’t he just move the wet laundry to the drier. Why!?!?  If I’m voicing concerns about our finances ask questions, try to be part of the solution.  If the house needs repairs or organizing go for it! 

This might be ridiculous but it’s something I think about when we fight.  I want someone who wants to win my favor.  Who wants to see me smile.  Even if they are right and I’m wrong they think I’m worth compromising for.  I think to all the romantic comedies that I’ve seen and I want a piece of that.  You know, the even thought she ran off with another man he is chasing her with roses or poems or what ever because she is the one. 

I think if I had to do over agin I would look for someone with a can do attitude.  Some one that even in the face of adversity presses forward and looks for ways to overcome whatever is the trouble at the time.  I think that is someone I can build a future with.  Right now if feels like I’m just trying to survive untill the next day. 

I’m sure there is a ton of other stuff I can add to this list but since I have to write in secret I don’t have much time to create my posts.

Funky crockpot fire…..

15 Nov

I’ve been in a funk.  I’m still not been able to have the kind of talk I need to with my fiancé and my contact with my lover is down to almost nothing.  I’ve slacked off on my exercise and eating poorly.  I have started to handle my finances.  I spent 45 minutes on the phone with my cable/internet provider and got them to reduce the past due bills some, yeah!  I adjusted my package down from HD and premium channels to the bare minimum.  He knew I was adjusting things down to save money.  We didn’t talk before he sat down and turned on the TV.  He yelled out what the fuck when he saw we didn’t have HD, complaining the picture was fuzzy.  When he saw our channel selection he threw the remote.  It was a slap in the face due to our current money troubles. 

Later on in the week I spent some time over at my Mom’s house.  I didn’t take my fiancé along.  As we were chit chatting I told them about my new job.  I really like it so far.  The stocking, the playing with a little computer the challenge of getting things done quickly and correctly.  Call me a nerd but I like that stuff.  Also the stockroom is upstairs so I can get some exercise by running up and down, bonus!  As we are talking I’m looking through a crock pot cook book and marking pages.  They ask what I’m doing.  I let them know that I’m working on a meal plan for the week.  My plan is to target my shopping to save money and resolve the late day phone call from my fiancé saying asking what do I want for dinner.  He stops me and says why do you think you have to do it all.  He goes on to tell me that he can just see that once the boys are in school that I won’t put up with this anymore.  I’m thinking has he been reading my blog?  They told me they don’t mean to beat me up but they are worried about me.  We had a great night, I need to spend more time with my loving supportive family. 

I didn’t get to speak to Tom untill today (Monday).  We even were light on texting.  He was out Sunday night and I was too buried in cleaning to go out so I sent him a text.  I asked him send me something that I can think about in my dreams. I fully expected something sexual.  What he sent got me all misty.  He texted: I loved standing beside the fire looking at your eyes shining back at me.  The feeling of us being together felt perfect.  I wished that it could be that way everyday.  I know it’s silly to keep thinking about being with him.  It is just such a nice thought to be with someone like him.  It’s like a vacation for my brain.

A plan to make a plan….

25 Oct

I’m back to a weepy insecure mess.  Last week I did very poorly on my duties around the house.  I let go of the purse strings just to have an easy week.  I keep saying in my head that one night I need to sit my fiancé down and make a plan for the housework, yard work and general up keep.  Being so lazy though I haven’t felt that it was the right time to try to get him to buy in to a plan.  My goal is to have a neater more organised home with him contributing regularly.  I feel like my complaining gets no where it’s when there is a plan that we can measure results and from there I can start to see if we need to call things quits or if there is some teamwork to be salvaged.

Money, oh how I hate to think about you.  Since I got home I have not checked my bank account.  I’m behind on several bills and just don’t want to face the music.  I know I need to also set a budget and a plan, however when I try to write things down I come up short.  I’ve decided that I’m going to pull my head out of my ass and take care of it this week.  I will come up with a plan and get his buy in and then take away his debt card (he acts like a compulsive spender).  I’ve applied for jobs on line and I will start my job search in person.  I’ll also need to talk to my phone, cable and internet providers to work the bills down.  I think I’ll pick a fight with my mortgage company to try to bring that down too. 

Maybe now that I’ve written this stuff down I can make some progress!